Many people believe that the career-oriented subject should be included in the school curriculum so that high school students are better prepared for their future. To what extent do you agree with this? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Many people believe that the career-oriented subject should be included in the school curriculum so that high school students are better prepared for their future.
To what extent do you agree with this? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
The belief of adding career-oriented subject to high school curriculum to support students in finding appropriate ways for their future has gained increasing popularity in recent years. While some individuals argue that this shift may distribute teenage attention to core subjects, I firmly believe it would assist youngsters significantly to reach achievements.
First and foremost, the sole of career-oriented subject is giving students right orientation for their future field of employment. It is acknowledged that there are main subjects like Maths or Physics to get high scores rather than having students putting excessive emphasis on studying numerous obvious career’s literature. Consequently, this leads to the presence some adolescents possessing high academic performance but hang earn less money than those with normal scores at school apparent orientation.
In addition, learning career-oriented subject could be considered as a way for students to entertain after cultivating knowledge from subjects requiring logic thinking. Indeed, the lessons of career oriented subjects seems to transform knowledge through recreational activities such as games or group works. Thanks to it, students could develop personal skills like communication skill, critical thinking skill and teamwork skill, which all serve them to achieve success in beyond.
Nevertheless, thanks to technological advances, students nowadays acquire large amounts of information over the internet. In other words, they could opt for fitting job’s instruction on social platforms rather than wasting time to engage in traditional class. Furthermore, adding lessons to high school curriculum may put extreme pressure on students’ performance due to lack of time for core subjects. They could suffer from depression owing to various lessons at school but no time for entertaining activities.
All in all, despite some inevitable downsides, adding career-oriented subject to curriculum appears to benefit about significant upsides such as providing students with accurate orientation and as enhancing essential skills. It is advisable for teenagers to strive for bettering academic results as well as secure suitable paths for themselves to attain career’s success.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"The belief of adding" -> "The notion of incorporating"
Explanation: "Notion" is a more formal term than "belief," and "incorporating" is more precise than "adding" in the context of introducing new subjects into a curriculum. -
"support students in finding appropriate ways for their future" -> "aid students in identifying suitable pathways for their future"
Explanation: "Aid" is more formal than "support," and "identifying suitable pathways" is a more precise and formal way to describe the process of determining future directions. -
"distribute teenage attention" -> "divert teenage attention"
Explanation: "Divert" is more specific and academically appropriate than "distribute" in this context, as it implies redirecting attention away from one thing to another. -
"assist youngsters significantly to reach achievements" -> "significantly assist young people in achieving their goals"
Explanation: "Significantly assist" is grammatically correct and clearer than "assist youngsters significantly," and "achieving their goals" is more specific than "reach achievements." -
"the sole of career-oriented subject" -> "the primary purpose of career-oriented subjects"
Explanation: "The primary purpose" is a more accurate and formal expression than "the sole," which is incorrect in this context. -
"giving students right orientation" -> "providing students with the right orientation"
Explanation: Adding "with the" clarifies the prepositional phrase and enhances the formal tone. -
"obvious career’s literature" -> "obvious career-related literature"
Explanation: "Career-related" is the correct adjectival form, replacing the awkward and incorrect "career’s." -
"hang earn less money" -> "earn less money"
Explanation: "Hang earn" is grammatically incorrect; "earn" should be used as a verb in this context. -
"apparent orientation" -> "clear orientation"
Explanation: "Clear" is more precise and appropriate in this context than "apparent," which can imply a lack of clarity. -
"learning career-oriented subject" -> "studying career-oriented subjects"
Explanation: "Studying" is more specific and academically appropriate than "learning" for formal educational contexts. -
"the lessons of career oriented subjects seems" -> "the lessons of career-oriented subjects seem"
Explanation: Corrects the verb agreement error and maintains the formal tone. -
"Thanks to it" -> "As a result"
Explanation: "As a result" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than the casual "Thanks to it." -
"opt for fitting job’s instruction" -> "choose suitable job instructions"
Explanation: "Choose" is more formal than "opt for," and "suitable job instructions" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"wasting time to engage in traditional class" -> "wasting time attending traditional classes"
Explanation: "Attending" is more specific and formal than "engaging in," and "classes" is the correct plural form. -
"adding lessons to high school curriculum" -> "introducing new subjects to the high school curriculum"
Explanation: "Introducing new subjects" is more specific and formal than "adding lessons," which is vague and less precise. -
"put extreme pressure on students’ performance" -> "place significant pressure on students’ performance"
Explanation: "Place" is more formal than "put," and "significant" is more precise than "extreme." -
"due to lack of time for core subjects" -> "due to insufficient time for core subjects"
Explanation: "Insufficient" is more precise and formal than "lack of time." -
"strive for bettering academic results" -> "strive to improve academic results"
Explanation: "To improve" is grammatically correct and more formal than "to better," which is not typically used in academic writing. -
"secure suitable paths for themselves to attain career’s success" -> "secure suitable paths to achieve career success"
Explanation: Removing "for themselves" simplifies the sentence and maintains a formal tone, and "achieve" is more commonly used in academic contexts than "attain."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the inclusion of career-oriented subjects in the high school curriculum and presents arguments both in favor and against this idea. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position, which is in favor of adding these subjects. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent of agreement, as the prompt asks "to what extent" the writer agrees. The essay does mention potential downsides but does not quantify or elaborate on the extent of agreement.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state the degree of agreement in the introduction and reiterate this throughout the essay. For example, they could use phrases like "I strongly agree" or "I partially agree" and clarify how much weight they give to the counterarguments presented.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position favoring the inclusion of career-oriented subjects. However, the counterarguments presented in the third paragraph could create some ambiguity regarding the writer’s stance. While the writer acknowledges the potential downsides, the overall tone suggests a strong belief in the benefits, which could be more clearly articulated.
- How to improve: The writer should reinforce their position by summarizing their main argument at the end of each paragraph. Additionally, they could use transitional phrases to clearly signal shifts between supporting and opposing views, ensuring that the reader understands which side they ultimately support.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the benefits of career-oriented subjects, such as providing orientation for future employment and developing personal skills. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, the mention of "recreational activities such as games or group works" could be expanded with concrete examples of how these activities enhance learning.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide specific examples or scenarios that illustrate their points. For instance, they could describe a particular career-oriented program that has successfully helped students or cite statistics showing improved outcomes for students who have taken such courses.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally remains on topic, focusing on the inclusion of career-oriented subjects in the curriculum. However, the discussion of technological advances and alternative learning methods in the third paragraph, while relevant, diverts slightly from the main argument about curriculum changes. This could confuse readers about the primary focus of the essay.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central argument. They could either integrate the discussion of technology more seamlessly into their argument about career-oriented subjects or remove it altogether to maintain a tighter focus on the prompt.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, but it could benefit from more explicit connections to the prompt, deeper development of ideas, and a more consistent focus throughout.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas, starting with an introduction that presents the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are structured to discuss the benefits of including career-oriented subjects and counterarguments, followed by a conclusion that summarizes the main points. However, there are instances where the logical flow could be improved. For example, the transition between discussing the benefits of career-oriented subjects and the potential downsides could be smoother. Additionally, some sentences within paragraphs could be better connected to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve logical flow, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that logically build on that idea. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument, especially when shifting from one point to another. For instance, when moving from the benefits to the downsides, a phrase like "On the other hand" could help signal the shift in focus.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different points. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which helps in maintaining clarity. However, some paragraphs could be more concise and focused. For example, the second paragraph combines several ideas about the benefits of career-oriented subjects, which could be better organized into distinct points.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph addresses a single main idea. Break down complex paragraphs into smaller, more focused sections. For example, the second paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the orientation benefits of career-oriented subjects and another on their role in developing personal skills. This would make the essay easier to follow and more coherent.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, such as "First and foremost," "In addition," and "Nevertheless," to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat inconsistent, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "Consequently, this leads to the presence some adolescents…" is somewhat unclear and could be better connected to the preceding idea.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, vary the types of connectors used and ensure they are appropriately placed. For instance, use phrases like "Moreover," "Furthermore," and "In contrast" to clearly indicate the relationship between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device accurately reflects the logical relationship it is intended to convey. For example, "Consequently" should be used to indicate a direct result of the preceding statement, so ensure that the cause-and-effect relationship is clear.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a more coherent and cohesive structure, enhancing its overall effectiveness and readability.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "career-oriented," "academic performance," and "technological advances." However, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks sophistication. For instance, phrases like "career-oriented subject" and "core subjects" are used multiple times without variation, which detracts from the overall lexical richness.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "career-oriented subject," alternatives like "vocational courses" or "professional subjects" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "academic disciplines" instead of "core subjects" would diversify the vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the sole of career-oriented subject" is incorrect; it should be "the goal of career-oriented subjects." Similarly, "hang earn less money" is awkward and unclear. The phrase "apparent orientation" also lacks clarity and does not convey a clear meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Revising phrases for clarity is essential. For instance, instead of "hang earn less money," a clearer expression could be "may earn less money." Additionally, the writer should consider the context of their vocabulary choices to ensure they align with the intended message.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "cultivating knowledge from subjects requiring logic thinking" (should be "logical thinking") and "entertaining activities" (should be "entertainment activities"). These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can detract from the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement proofreading strategies, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and terms relevant to the topic can help reduce errors in future essays. Keeping a personal list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly could also be beneficial.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on these areas will enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("It is acknowledged that there are main subjects like Maths or Physics") and complex sentences ("While some individuals argue that this shift may distribute teenage attention to core subjects, I firmly believe it would assist youngsters significantly to reach achievements"). However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear constructions, such as "the sole of career-oriented subject" and "the presence some adolescents possessing high academic performance but hang earn less money." These errors detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences more effectively. Incorporating more varied conjunctions and transitions can help create smoother connections between ideas. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "In addition," the writer could use phrases like "Moreover" or "Furthermore" to enhance flow. Additionally, revising awkward phrases for clarity and coherence would strengthen the overall structure.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, phrases like "the presence some adolescents possessing" are missing prepositions and articles, leading to confusion. The use of commas is inconsistent, such as in "Thanks to it, students could develop personal skills like communication skill, critical thinking skill and teamwork skill," where a comma is needed before the final "and." Additionally, the phrase "to get high scores rather than having students putting excessive emphasis on studying numerous obvious career’s literature" is convoluted and grammatically incorrect, as "career’s literature" should be "career literature."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, article usage, and proper prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can help identify and correct persistent errors. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in lists and complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading well-structured essays can also provide insights into correct grammatical usage and punctuation.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there are significant areas for improvement. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical accuracy and punctuation, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their arguments, potentially raising their band score in future assessments.
Bài sửa mẫu
The belief in incorporating career-oriented subjects into the high school curriculum to aid students in identifying suitable pathways for their future has gained increasing popularity in recent years. While some individuals argue that this shift may divert teenage attention from core subjects, I firmly believe it would significantly assist young people in achieving their goals.
First and foremost, the primary purpose of career-oriented subjects is to provide students with the right orientation for their future fields of employment. It is acknowledged that there are main subjects like Maths or Physics, which help students achieve high scores, rather than having them put excessive emphasis on studying numerous obvious career-related literature. Consequently, this leads to the presence of some adolescents who possess high academic performance but earn less money than those with normal scores at school due to a lack of clear orientation.
In addition, studying career-oriented subjects could be considered a way for students to entertain themselves after cultivating knowledge from subjects requiring logical thinking. Indeed, the lessons of career-oriented subjects seem to transform knowledge through recreational activities such as games or group work. Thanks to this, students could develop personal skills like communication skills, critical thinking skills, and teamwork skills, which all serve to help them achieve success beyond school.
Nevertheless, due to technological advances, students nowadays acquire large amounts of information over the internet. In other words, they could opt for suitable job instructions on social platforms rather than wasting time attending traditional classes. Furthermore, introducing new subjects to the high school curriculum may place significant pressure on students’ performance due to insufficient time for core subjects. They could suffer from depression owing to various lessons at school but no time for entertaining activities.
All in all, despite some inevitable downsides, adding career-oriented subjects to the curriculum appears to provide significant benefits, such as giving students accurate orientation and enhancing essential skills. It is advisable for teenagers to strive to improve academic results as well as secure suitable paths for themselves to achieve career success.
