Many people believe that zoos have no purpose in today’s world and should be closed. What problems do zoos bring? What are the alternatives to zoos if they are closed?

Many people believe that zoos have no purpose in today's world and should be closed. What problems do zoos bring?
What are the alternatives to zoos if they are closed?

There is an opinion claiming that the existence of zoos in current is meaningless and not suitable zoos should be displaced. Personally, I think that this is a complex statement as it involves ethical, preservation and educational considerations. This essay will discuss about zoo’s problems, impacts and its alternatives.

Admittedly, zoos provide educational information about ecosystem and wild animals. Moreover, visitors could have a realistic experiences by witness wild animals in flesh. Beside zoo's advantages, there are remaining countless considerations about the zoos purposes. In terms of morality, animals have their rights to live their wildlife in their moderate habitats. Therefore, capturing wild animals in spacious environments is violating their freedom, autonomy, which declines their quality of life. Following a chain effect, it would lead to vast educational limitations due to the animal's unpleasant behavior in artificial environments that couldn't satisfy the curiosity of visitors. According to empirical evidence that has been recorded by biologists, lions living in savannas, which are their natural habitats, have a longer longevity than the ones that are captured in cages due to the restrictions in wild behavior and movement.

Regarding to the substitutions of zoos, many existed options have been carried out. Conservation parks should be invested due to their potential opportunities and environment. These areas should be widely established as they contribute to conservation by protecting ecosystems and biodiversity. Furthermore, up-to-date technology could provide knowledges for people. Although virtual reality couldn’t bring the same realistic experience as the zoo does, convenience and comprehensiveness are the significant advantages of technology.

In conclusion, zoos have been a classic option for wildlife exploration. However, alternatives should be carried out so as to innovate how people learn about nature.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "There is an opinion claiming" -> "It is argued that"
   Explanation: "It is argued that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce an opinion or argument in academic writing, enhancing the tone and clarity of the statement.

2. "in current is meaningless" -> "are currently meaningless"
   Explanation: The phrase "in current" is grammatically incorrect. "Are currently meaningless" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning.

3. "not suitable zoos should be displaced" -> "zoos are not suitable and should be abolished"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.

4. "This essay will discuss about zoo’s problems, impacts and its alternatives" -> "This essay will discuss the problems, impacts, and alternatives of zoos"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammatical structure and removes the possessive form "zoo’s" to maintain a formal tone.

5. "Moreover, visitors could have a realistic experiences by witness wild animals in flesh" -> "Moreover, visitors can have a realistic experience by witnessing wild animals in their natural habitats"
   Explanation: "realistic experiences" should be "realistic experience" for grammatical correctness. "Witness wild animals in flesh" is unclear and incorrect; "witnessing wild animals in their natural habitats" is more precise and appropriate.

6. "Beside zoo’s advantages" -> "Beyond the advantages of zoos"
   Explanation: "Beside" is incorrect in this context; "beyond" is the correct preposition to indicate a transition to another point. Also, "zoo’s" should be "zoos" to maintain consistency in plural form.

7. "animals have their rights to live their wildlife in their moderate habitats" -> "animals have the right to live in their natural habitats"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision simplifies and clarifies the statement, using more precise language.

8. "capturing wild animals in spacious environments" -> "capturing wild animals in enclosures"
   Explanation: "spacious environments" is vague and imprecise. "Enclosures" is a more specific and appropriate term in the context of zoos.

9. "Following a chain effect" -> "This has a cascading effect"
   Explanation: "Following a chain effect" is informal and unclear. "This has a cascading effect" is more formal and accurately describes the sequence of consequences.

10. "Regarding to the substitutions of zoos" -> "Regarding the alternatives to zoos"
    Explanation: "Regarding to" is grammatically incorrect. "Regarding the alternatives to zoos" corrects the preposition and clarifies the meaning.

11. "many existed options have been carried out" -> "many existing options have been implemented"
    Explanation: "existed options" is incorrect; "existing options" is the correct form. "Carried out" is less formal; "implemented" is more precise and suitable for academic writing.

12. "up-to-date technology could provide knowledges for people" -> "advanced technology can provide knowledge to the public"
    Explanation: "up-to-date technology" is redundant; "advanced technology" is more precise. "Knowledges" is incorrect; "knowledge" is the correct noun form. "For people" is informal; "to the public" is more formal and appropriate.

13. "Although virtual reality couldn’t bring the same realistic experience as the zoo does" -> "Although virtual reality cannot provide the same realistic experience as zoos do"
    Explanation: "Couldn’t" is a contraction; "cannot" is more formal. "As the zoo does" is awkward; "as zoos do" corrects the subject-verb agreement and maintains formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the problems associated with zoos and suggesting alternatives. The author mentions ethical concerns regarding animal rights and the limitations of zoos in providing a natural environment for animals. The discussion on alternatives includes conservation parks and the use of technology, which are relevant and well-articulated. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the problems identified and the proposed alternatives.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each problem identified is directly linked to a specific alternative. For example, after discussing the ethical issues of captivity, the essay could explicitly state how conservation parks address these issues. Additionally, elaborating on how technology can complement or replace zoos would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer presents a personal opinion that the statement about zoos being meaningless is complex, which indicates a nuanced understanding. However, the position could be clearer throughout the essay. Phrases like "this is a complex statement" may confuse readers about the writer’s stance. While the essay does express concerns about zoos, it could be more assertive in stating whether the writer believes zoos should ultimately be closed.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Using clear language to affirm whether they support or oppose the closure of zoos will help solidify their stance. Additionally, consistent use of phrases that reinforce their position throughout the essay will enhance clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the ethical implications of zoos and the potential of conservation parks. However, some points, like the discussion on technology, lack depth. The mention of empirical evidence regarding lions is a strong supporting point, but the essay could benefit from more examples or data to substantiate claims about the educational limitations of zoos and the benefits of alternatives.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should include more specific examples, statistics, or studies that illustrate the points being made. For instance, discussing successful conservation parks or providing data on the effectiveness of virtual reality in education would add credibility. Additionally, expanding on how these alternatives can effectively replace zoos would provide a more comprehensive argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the problems of zoos and their alternatives. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the phrase "classic option for wildlife exploration" in the conclusion may stray from the main argument about the necessity of alternatives to zoos.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to addressing the prompt. Avoiding vague phrases and reiterating the main points in the conclusion will help reinforce the essay’s relevance to the topic. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can guide the reader and keep the discussion aligned with the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s perspective. The body paragraphs are organized to first discuss the problems associated with zoos and then to explore alternatives. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the ethical issues of zoos to the alternatives is somewhat abrupt. The essay lacks clear topic sentences that would help guide the reader through each paragraph’s main idea.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. Additionally, use transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs, such as "In addition to ethical concerns, there are also viable alternatives to zoos that merit discussion."

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth. For example, the first body paragraph discussing the problems of zoos is longer and more detailed than the second paragraph on alternatives, which feels somewhat rushed.
  • How to improve: Aim for a more balanced approach by expanding on the alternatives to zoos with more examples and details. This could involve discussing specific conservation parks or technologies in greater depth. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they cover multiple points, which can help maintain clarity and focus.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "Admittedly," and "Furthermore," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some transitions are not used effectively. For example, the phrase "Following a chain effect" is unclear and could confuse the reader regarding its intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "On the other hand," "In contrast," and "Consequently." Additionally, clarify phrases that may confuse readers; for instance, instead of "Following a chain effect," consider using "As a result" to indicate causation more clearly. This will enhance the overall flow and readability of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "educational information," "ethical," "preservation," and "biodiversity." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "zoos purposes" and "wild animals," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. Additionally, some phrases, such as "the existence of zoos in current is meaningless," could be expressed more fluently.
  • How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "zoos," they could use "animal sanctuaries," "wildlife parks," or "conservation facilities." Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more sophisticated vocabulary can elevate the overall quality of the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "capturing wild animals in spacious environments" is misleading, as it suggests that the animals are kept in large spaces, which may not accurately reflect the conditions in many zoos. Furthermore, the phrase "the animal’s unpleasant behavior" lacks clarity; it would be more precise to specify what behaviors are being referred to.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. For example, instead of "spacious environments," the writer could specify "enclosed habitats" or "artificial settings." Additionally, using more specific adjectives and verbs can clarify the message, such as replacing "unpleasant behavior" with "stress-related behaviors."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "displaced" instead of "displaced," "knowledge" instead of "knowledges," and "regarding to" instead of "regarding." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and creating a personal list of challenging terms can help reinforce correct spelling. Reading extensively can also aid in familiarizing oneself with proper spelling in context.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By actively expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex structures is evident in sentences like, "Therefore, capturing wild animals in spacious environments is violating their freedom, autonomy, which declines their quality of life." However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear constructions, such as "the existence of zoos in current is meaningless," which detracts from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using more varied sentence openings and transitions. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Moreover" or "In conclusion," consider using phrases like "Additionally," "Furthermore," or "Ultimately." Incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If zoos were to close, what would happen to the animals?") could also add depth and variety to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "the existence of zoos in current is meaningless" should be corrected to "the existence of zoos in the current context is meaningless," which clarifies the intended meaning. Additionally, phrases like "Regarding to the substitutions of zoos" should be revised to "Regarding the alternatives to zoos." Punctuation errors, such as the misuse of commas, can also be found, for example in "autonomy, which declines their quality of life," where the comma usage could be reconsidered for better flow.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can help. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and reading it aloud can assist in identifying awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes. Utilizing grammar-checking tools may also provide immediate feedback on potential issues.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, addressing the noted grammatical and structural weaknesses will enhance clarity and effectiveness, potentially raising the band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is an opinion claiming that the existence of zoos today is meaningless and that they should be closed. Personally, I think that this is a complex statement as it involves ethical, preservation, and educational considerations. This essay will discuss the problems, impacts, and alternatives of zoos.

Admittedly, zoos provide educational information about ecosystems and wild animals. Moreover, visitors can have a realistic experience by witnessing wild animals in the flesh. Besides the advantages of zoos, there are numerous considerations about their purposes. In terms of morality, animals have the right to live in their natural habitats. Therefore, capturing wild animals in enclosures violates their freedom and autonomy, which declines their quality of life. This has a cascading effect, leading to vast educational limitations due to the animals’ unpleasant behavior in artificial environments that cannot satisfy the curiosity of visitors. According to empirical evidence recorded by biologists, lions living in savannas, which are their natural habitats, have a longer lifespan than those captured in cages due to restrictions on their natural behavior and movement.

Regarding the alternatives to zoos, many existing options have been implemented. Conservation parks should be invested in due to their potential opportunities for wildlife and the environment. These areas should be widely established as they contribute to conservation by protecting ecosystems and biodiversity. Furthermore, advanced technology can provide knowledge to the public. Although virtual reality cannot provide the same realistic experience as zoos do, convenience and comprehensiveness are significant advantages of technology.

In conclusion, zoos have been a traditional option for wildlife exploration. However, alternatives should be pursued to innovate how people learn about nature.