Many people say that the only way to guarantee a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work.
How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?
In the Knowledge-based society today, some people consider the only condition to get a wealthy career path is to get involved in university education or even tertiary education. However, other ideas argue that highschool students after graduating also can achieve a practical education by joining the world of diversified works and gaining skillful experiences. In my viewpoint, I partly agree with these two opinions.
On the one hand, it can be said that university and higher educational levels are a perfect environment for students to get a better future. higher learning actually provides students with a more profound knowledge and techniques that can be transferred from the older school tutors. testimonial examinations test the capability of youngsters in order to maintain good scores and ensure the ability of youngsters through acknowledged certificates. Moreover, students after these university educational levels can achieve wider opportunities such as working overseas or in multinational enterprises.
In another aspect, participating in the practical work world is also a rational option for youngsters. After graduation, there are a huge number of directions for pupils to chase their career path as they realize the importance of skills and experiences from experienced people in real-life working environments. In addition, instead of getting university knowledge for years, these people tend to get involved in specific industries to learn directly. until a certain time, they can confidently open their own business and be their own boss.
All in all, both views of getting an excellent university education or participating in hands-on working experience are good to consider, and depending on the particular situation, youngsters can achieve their career path freely and creatively.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"In the Knowledge-based society today" -> "In today’s knowledge-based society"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "In today’s knowledge-based society" provides a more formal and concise introduction to the essay.
"wealthy career path" -> "successful career trajectory"
Explanation: Replacing "wealthy career path" with "successful career trajectory" introduces a more nuanced and formal term, emphasizing achievement beyond just financial success.
"get involved" -> "engage in"
Explanation: Substituting "get involved" with "engage in" enhances the formality of the language while maintaining the idea of active participation.
"tertiary education" -> "higher education"
Explanation: "Tertiary education" is replaced with "higher education" for clarity and simplicity, aligning with academic conventions.
"ideas argue" -> "arguments posit"
Explanation: Changing "ideas argue" to "arguments posit" elevates the language and conveys the notion of well-developed viewpoints.
"viewpoint" -> "perspective"
Explanation: Replacing "viewpoint" with "perspective" adds sophistication to the language, commonly used in academic discourse.
"On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: Substituting "On the one hand" with "Firstly" maintains the essay’s structure while using a more formal transition phrase.
"higher learning" -> "higher education"
Explanation: To maintain consistency, "higher learning" is replaced with "higher education" as a more commonly accepted term.
"testimonial examinations" -> "formal assessments"
Explanation: Replacing "testimonial examinations" with "formal assessments" enhances the formality and clarity of the expression.
"capability of youngsters" -> "aptitude of young individuals"
Explanation: "Capability of youngsters" is replaced with "aptitude of young individuals" for a more formal and precise description.
"ensure the ability of youngsters" -> "validate the competence of young individuals"
Explanation: Substituting "ensure the ability of youngsters" with "validate the competence of young individuals" adds precision and formality.
"achieve wider opportunities" -> "access broader opportunities"
Explanation: Replacing "achieve wider opportunities" with "access broader opportunities" maintains the meaning while using more formal language.
"practical work world" -> "professional work environment"
Explanation: Changing "practical work world" to "professional work environment" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.
"directions for pupils to chase" -> "avenues for individuals to pursue"
Explanation: Substituting "directions for pupils to chase" with "avenues for individuals to pursue" enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence.
"get involved in specific industries to learn directly" -> "immerse themselves in specific industries for firsthand learning"
Explanation: Replacing "get involved in specific industries to learn directly" with "immerse themselves in specific industries for firsthand learning" offers a more detailed and formal expression.
"confidently open their own business" -> "successfully establish their own business"
Explanation: Changing "confidently open their own business" to "successfully establish their own business" adds a level of certainty and formality.
"All in all" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: Substituting "All in all" with "In conclusion" maintains the formal tone while serving as a more standard concluding phrase.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both perspectives presented in the prompt, acknowledging the importance of university education while also recognizing the value of gaining practical experience after high school. Relevant sections, such as the mention of university providing profound knowledge and the alternative path of practical work, support this evaluation.
- How to improve: While the essay does cover both sides, the explanation could be more detailed. For example, providing specific examples of the benefits of university education and practical work would enhance the response. Additionally, a clearer structure that explicitly addresses each part of the question would improve coherence.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a partially agree stance, expressing the benefits of both university education and practical work. However, the expression is not consistently clear, especially towards the conclusion where it states, "both views…are good to consider." This might lead to a slight ambiguity in the position presented.
- How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of the position by avoiding ambiguous statements. Clearly state the extent of agreement or disagreement, and ensure that the thesis is maintained throughout the essay. For instance, explicitly stating whether one side is more favorable or if both have equal merit would enhance the clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both university education and practical work, offering explanations for each. However, the development of ideas lacks depth. For instance, the mention of "testimonial examinations" could be expanded with specific examples or details. Additionally, the point about practical work leading to entrepreneurship is not sufficiently elaborated.
- How to improve: Develop ideas with more specificity and depth. Provide concrete examples, statistics, or anecdotes to support arguments. Elaborate on the process of gaining skills in practical work and how this can lead to entrepreneurship. This will strengthen the overall argumentation and add substance to the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the benefits of both university education and practical work in relation to obtaining a good job. However, there are instances where the language is slightly vague, such as "directions for pupils to chase their career path." Clarity in expression would enhance focus.
- How to improve: Use precise language to avoid vagueness and maintain a clear focus on the topic. Ensure that each point directly relates to the question prompt. Revise sentences that may introduce ambiguity, making the overall argument more cohesive.
In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt and presents a thoughtful analysis of the topic. However, improvements in clarity, specificity, and organization would elevate the essay’s overall effectiveness.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It begins with an introduction that outlines the two contrasting views on education and employment. The body paragraphs are dedicated to each viewpoint, providing a clear structure. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the benefits of university education to practical work could be more seamless.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transition words and phrases to guide the reader through different points. For instance, use words like "however," "on the other hand," or "in addition" to signal shifts in focus. This will create a more cohesive and fluid narrative.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with distinct sections dedicated to the introduction, each viewpoint, and the conclusion. Each paragraph contains a central idea, but some paragraphs could be more developed. For instance, the paragraph discussing the benefits of university education could provide more specific examples or elaborate on certain points.
- How to improve: To strengthen paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details. Elaborate on key points with specific examples or evidence to provide a more comprehensive discussion. This will contribute to a more nuanced and well-developed argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as "On the one hand" and "In another aspect." However, there is room for improvement in the variety of cohesive devices used. The essay could benefit from a more diverse range of linking words and phrases to create a smoother flow.
- How to improve: Broaden the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of transitions such as "furthermore," "conversely," or "in conclusion." This will not only enhance coherence but also contribute to a more sophisticated writing style. Ensure that the chosen cohesive devices fit naturally within the context of the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a generally logical organization with effective paragraphing and cohesive devices, there are opportunities for improvement in transitions between ideas, the development of certain paragraphs, and the use of a more diverse range of cohesive devices. Implementing these suggestions will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement. While some varied words and phrases are used, there is a noticeable repetition of certain terms, such as "university education" and "career path," which could be diversified for a richer lexical resource.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring alternative expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "career path," you might use terms like "professional trajectory" or "vocational journey." This will add depth and nuance to your language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is generally sound, with adequate articulation of ideas. However, there are instances where the meaning could be more refined. For example, the phrase "perfect environment" could be specified further to convey a more precise meaning.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of generic terms like "perfect environment," specify what aspects of the university setting contribute to a conducive learning environment. This will add clarity and depth to your arguments.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a fair level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words, such as "testimonial" instead of "testament" and "real-life" instead of "real-life." These errors, while not pervasive, impact the overall impression of language proficiency.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your essay carefully. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools, and take the time to review and correct any identified errors. Additionally, pay attention to word choices to avoid unintentional misspellings.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in the range of vocabulary and precision of word choices. By diversifying your vocabulary and refining your use of language, you can elevate the overall quality of your essay. Additionally, careful proofreading and attention to spelling will contribute to a more polished and professional presentation.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. There is an attempt to vary the structure, but some sentences are repetitive in their construction. For instance, the repeated use of "On the one hand" and "In another aspect" limits the variety. However, the essay employs a mix of compound and complex sentences to convey ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using more transitional phrases and varying the ways ideas are presented. Instead of relying on specific phrases, explore different ways to introduce contrasting or supporting ideas, such as using adverbs, adjectives, or different sentence structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as "In the Knowledge-based society today," where the definite article is unnecessary. Additionally, there are problems with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "testimonial examinations test the capability."
- How to improve: Pay close attention to articles and subject-verb agreement. Review sentence structures for clarity and coherence. In particular, revise sentences that may be unclear or awkward. Consider using complex sentences more deliberately to avoid potential confusion. Proofread carefully to catch grammatical errors and ensure the fluency of your ideas.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably good command of grammar and a variety of structures, there is room for improvement. To enhance the overall quality, focus on refining sentence structures for better clarity and variety, paying attention to grammar, and proofreading thoroughly to eliminate errors and awkward phrasing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s knowledge-based society, there is an ongoing debate regarding the most effective path to ensure a successful career trajectory. Some argue that the key lies in pursuing higher education, while others contend that gaining practical experience in the workforce after school is a better approach. In my perspective, I partially agree with both viewpoints.
On one hand, it is asserted that university and higher education create an ideal environment for students to secure a brighter future. Higher learning institutions offer students in-depth knowledge and skills passed down by experienced educators. Formal assessments validate the aptitude of young individuals, providing them with recognized certificates. Furthermore, post-education, these individuals gain access to broader opportunities, including the possibility of working overseas or in multinational enterprises.
On the other hand, engaging in the practical world of work is a reasonable option for young individuals. Following graduation, there are numerous avenues for individuals to pursue their career paths, recognizing the significance of acquiring skills and experiences in real-life work environments. Instead of spending years acquiring theoretical knowledge in university, these individuals tend to immerse themselves in specific industries for firsthand learning. Over time, they can confidently establish their own business ventures and become their own bosses.
In conclusion, both the pursuit of excellent university education and active participation in hands-on working experiences offer viable options. Depending on the specific situation, young individuals can chart their career paths freely and creatively.