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Many people say that universities should only offer places to young students with the highest marks, while others say they should accept people of all ages, even if they did not do well at school. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Many people say that universities should only offer places to young students with the highest marks, while others say they should accept people of all ages, even if they did not do well at school. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

"There are two competing schools of thought in the ongoing debate over college admissions. There is a belief that only students with the finest academic records ought to be admitted to universities. On the other hand, a counterargument advocates for a more inclusive approach that embraces individuals of all ages, irrespective of their academic achievements. This essay will objectively analyze the benefits and drawbacks of each perspective.

Conversely, advocates for inclusivity argue that age and previous academic performance should not be the sole criteria for university admission. They posit that individuals who may not have excelled in school could bring diverse experiences, perspectives, and skills to the university community.

In my opinion, a balanced approach is necessary. While it is crucial to maintain academic standards, universities should also consider factors beyond grades, such as life experiences, motivation, and potential for growth. For instance, a mature student with work experience may contribute valuable insights to a class discussion, enriching the learning environment. Adhering to strict meritocracy might exclude such individuals and overlook the broader benefits they could bring to the academic community.

In conclusion, the debate over university admissions revolves around the tension between academic merit and inclusivity. Striking a balance is essential to create a diverse and intellectually stimulating environment. Universities should aim to recognize and appreciate the multifaceted nature of merit, incorporating a holistic approach to admissions that considers both academic achievements and the potential for growth and contribution to the academic community."


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "ought to be admitted" -> "should be admitted"
    Explanation: While "ought to be admitted" is grammatically correct, replacing it with "should be admitted" maintains formality and clarity without sacrificing meaning. "Should" is a commonly used term in academic writing.

  2. "Conversely" -> "On the other hand"
    Explanation: "Conversely" is slightly less formal, and "On the other hand" provides a seamless transition between contrasting ideas, enhancing the essay’s academic style.

  3. "They posit" -> "They argue"
    Explanation: "They posit" may sound a bit less formal, and "They argue" is a more straightforward and commonly used phrase in academic writing.

  4. "In my opinion" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: While "In my opinion" is acceptable, using "From my perspective" adds a touch of formality and academic tone to the expression of personal viewpoint.

  5. "such as" -> "including"
    Explanation: "Including" is a slightly more formal alternative to "such as," maintaining the academic tone and improving the overall flow of the sentence.

  6. "Adhering to strict meritocracy" -> "Strict adherence to meritocracy"
    Explanation: Restructuring the phrase to "Strict adherence to meritocracy" enhances formality and aligns with academic style, offering a more polished expression of the idea.

  7. "revolves around the tension between" -> "centers on the tension between"
    Explanation: "Centers on" is a more concise and formal alternative to "revolves around," contributing to a more refined expression of the central theme.

  8. "Striking a balance is essential" -> "Achieving a balance is essential"
    Explanation: "Achieving a balance" is a slightly more formal and precise phrase, contributing to the overall academic style of the conclusion.

  9. "recognize and appreciate" -> "acknowledge and appreciate"
    Explanation: "Acknowledge" is a more formal synonym for "recognize," and the change contributes to a more elevated and academic tone in the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0 – UNDER WORD

  1. Quoted text: "Conversely, advocates for inclusivity argue that age and previous academic performance should not be the sole criteria for university admission. They posit that individuals who may not have excelled in school could bring diverse experiences, perspectives, and skills to the university community."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you present the counterargument regarding inclusivity, your essay lacks depth in discussing the drawbacks or challenges associated with admitting individuals without strong academic records. To strengthen this section, consider providing specific examples or scenarios that illustrate potential issues universities might face when admitting students solely based on factors other than academic achievements. This will add nuance to your analysis and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
    • Improved example: "Conversely, advocates for inclusivity argue that age and previous academic performance should not be the sole criteria for university admission. They posit that individuals who may not have excelled in school could bring diverse experiences, perspectives, and skills to the university community. However, it’s essential to recognize that a lack of academic preparedness may hinder these individuals from fully engaging with the academic curriculum, potentially leading to challenges in their educational journey. For instance, a student with weak foundational knowledge in a specific subject may struggle to keep up with the course requirements, impacting their overall learning experience."
  2. Quoted text: "In my opinion, a balanced approach is necessary. While it is crucial to maintain academic standards, universities should also consider factors beyond grades, such as life experiences, motivation, and potential for growth."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your stance is clear, but the explanation lacks specificity in terms of how universities can practically assess factors beyond grades. To enhance this section, provide concrete examples or criteria that universities might use to evaluate life experiences, motivation, or potential for growth. This will add depth to your argument and make it more persuasive.
    • Improved example: "In my opinion, a balanced approach is necessary. While it is crucial to maintain academic standards, universities should also consider factors beyond grades, such as life experiences, motivation, and potential for growth. For instance, they could implement interviews or portfolio assessments to gauge an applicant’s motivation and showcase their unique life experiences. This would enable a more holistic evaluation that goes beyond a numerical representation of academic performance."

Overall, your essay offers a balanced view on the topic, but to improve, consider providing more specific examples and scenarios to support your points and enhance the overall depth of your analysis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, providing a clear progression throughout. Cohesive devices are used appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence. The essay maintains a central topic within each paragraph, supporting a structured flow of ideas. While there are instances of effective cohesion, some areas exhibit a slight underuse or overuse of cohesive devices. The use of paragraphing is generally sufficient and appropriate, contributing to the overall coherence and cohesion.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider consistently applying cohesive devices throughout the essay. Ensure that the use of these devices is balanced and does not lead to under- or overuse. Additionally, pay attention to the logical relationship between sentences, ensuring that cohesion within and between sentences remains strong. Further refining paragraphing logic can contribute to a more seamless flow of ideas. Overall, maintaining a consistent level of cohesion throughout the essay will contribute to a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a commendable command of vocabulary, utilizing a wide range of words with fluency and flexibility. The writer skillfully incorporates uncommon lexical items, contributing to the precision of the conveyed meanings. The essay maintains a sophisticated control of lexical features, with only rare minor errors that can be considered as ‘slips.’ The vocabulary used is natural, contributing to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

How to improve:
To further enhance the lexical resource, the writer can focus on incorporating a few more advanced and nuanced vocabulary choices throughout the essay. Additionally, careful attention to word choice and collocation can help minimize occasional inaccuracies, ensuring an even higher level of lexical sophistication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammatical structures, showcasing a wide range of sentence forms. The majority of sentences are error-free, with only very occasional errors or inappropriacies. The language use is sophisticated, contributing to the overall coherence and clarity of the essay. Complex structures are effectively employed, enhancing the essay’s overall quality.

How to improve:
While the essay is strong in terms of grammatical range and accuracy, some sentences could be refined for even greater clarity and precision. Consider revisiting specific areas where language could be further polished to minimize any potential errors or awkward phrasing. Additionally, ensure consistent application of complex structures throughout the essay to maintain a high level of linguistic sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

The ongoing discourse on college admissions is marked by two contrasting perspectives. One camp asserts that university spots should be reserved exclusively for students boasting exceptional academic records. Conversely, an opposing viewpoint advocates for a more inclusive stance, welcoming individuals of all ages, regardless of their academic performance. This essay aims to impartially examine the merits and drawbacks of each standpoint.

Proponents of inclusivity argue that age and prior academic accomplishments should not be the sole criteria for university admission. They contend that individuals who may not have excelled in school could bring diverse experiences, perspectives, and skills to the university community.

In my view, a balanced approach is imperative. While maintaining academic standards is crucial, universities should also consider factors beyond grades, such as life experiences, motivation, and the potential for personal and academic development. For example, a mature student with work experience may offer valuable insights during class discussions, thereby enhancing the overall learning environment. Strict adherence to meritocracy might exclude such individuals, overlooking the broader benefits they could bring to the academic community.

To conclude, the debate surrounding university admissions centers on the delicate balance between academic merit and inclusivity. Striking this balance is essential for fostering a diverse and intellectually stimulating environment. Universities should strive to acknowledge and value the multifaceted nature of merit, embracing a holistic approach to admissions that takes into account both academic achievements and the potential for growth and contribution to the academic community.

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