Many people say that we now live in ‘consumer societies’ where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many people say that we now live in 'consumer societies' where money and
possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture
has played a vital role in improving our lives.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many people think that humans consider money and possessions to be very important, while others advocate that consumerism has played a vital role in enhancing our lives. From my point of view, materials should not be prioritized as there are numerous things to pay attention to.

On the one hand, there are several reasons for the increasing trend of paying attention to materials. To begin with, due to the development of technology and media networks, myriad celebrities and influencers have used that to search for fame and reputation by showing off many costly clothes, transportation, and other extravagant properties. This can create norms about wealth that everyone must own lots of expensive things. For example, Kylie Jenner, an influencer and billionaire, is considered to be a model for the wealthy by possessing various luxury items. In addition, consumers are easily appealed by the advertisements of the brands, the companies invest money in launching campaigns on every network or billboard with many sales and benefits for the buyers.

Some opponents might argue that consumerism is an indispensable part of our lives that can create a better standard of living, and quality of life and promote creativity and innovation. However, they may have to take into consideration that consumer culture can pose numerous serious threats to our environment as many creatures were hunted to produce items. To illustrate, a large number of crocodiles were killed to make handbags and shoes. Furthermore, it can create a psychology for everyone that they can judge the people by their appearance and substances and overlook their personalities.

To sum up, despite the advantages of a consumer society, I firmly believe that there are other things and characteristics that individuals should focus on to create a better lifestyle.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Many people think" -> "Many individuals believe"
   Explanation: Replacing "think" with "believe" provides a more formal tone suitable for academic writing, enhancing the precision and formality of the statement.

2. "consider money and possessions to be very important" -> "regard money and possessions as highly significant"
   Explanation: The phrase "regard as highly significant" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better than "consider very important," which is somewhat colloquial.

3. "advocate that consumerism has played a vital role" -> "assert that consumerism has played a crucial role"
   Explanation: "Assert" is more formal than "advocate," and "crucial" is a more precise term than "vital" in this context, enhancing the academic tone.

4. "materials should not be prioritized" -> "material possessions should not be prioritized"
   Explanation: Adding "material" clarifies that the focus is on physical possessions, not abstract concepts, which is more specific and appropriate for an academic discussion.

5. "myriad celebrities and influencers" -> "numerous celebrities and influencers"
   Explanation: "Numerous" is a more formal synonym for "myriad," which can sound overly dramatic and less precise in academic writing.

6. "used that to search for fame and reputation" -> "utilize these platforms to seek fame and reputation"
   Explanation: "Utilize these platforms" is more precise and formal than "used that," which is vague and informal. It also clarifies that the platforms are being referred to.

7. "showing off many costly clothes, transportation, and other extravagant properties" -> "displaying numerous expensive clothing, vehicles, and other luxurious possessions"
   Explanation: "Displaying numerous expensive clothing, vehicles, and other luxurious possessions" is more specific and formal, replacing the casual "showing off" and "costly clothes, transportation, and other extravagant properties."

8. "create norms about wealth that everyone must own lots of expensive things" -> "establish norms that everyone should acquire numerous expensive items"
   Explanation: "Establish norms that everyone should acquire numerous expensive items" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "create norms about wealth" and "own lots of expensive things."

9. "appealed by the advertisements" -> "attracted by the advertisements"
   Explanation: "Attracted" is a more formal synonym for "appealed," fitting the academic style better than the more casual "appealed."

10. "the companies invest money in launching campaigns" -> "companies invest in launching campaigns"
    Explanation: Removing "money" clarifies that the investment is in the campaigns themselves, not just the money spent on them, which is more precise and formal.

11. "a better standard of living, and quality of life" -> "a higher standard of living and improved quality of life"
    Explanation: "Higher standard of living and improved quality of life" is more specific and formal, enhancing the academic tone by using more precise adjectives.

12. "pose numerous serious threats" -> "pose significant threats"
    Explanation: "Significant" is a more formal and precise term than "numerous serious," which is redundant and less formal.

13. "many creatures were hunted to produce items" -> "numerous species are hunted to produce products"
    Explanation: "Numerous species are hunted to produce products" is more formal and avoids the past tense, which is more appropriate for a general statement about ongoing practices.

14. "create a psychology for everyone" -> "influence the mindset of individuals"
    Explanation: "Influence the mindset of individuals" is more precise and formal than "create a psychology for everyone," which is vague and informal.

15. "they can judge the people by their appearance and substances and overlook their personalities" -> "they may judge individuals based on their appearance and material possessions, overlooking their personalities"
    Explanation: "Judge individuals based on their appearance and material possessions, overlooking their personalities" is more formal and precise, replacing the casual "substances" with "material possessions" and clarifying the judgment process.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding consumer societies. The first paragraph outlines the perspective that money and possessions are overly prioritized, while the second paragraph presents the opposing view that consumer culture enhances lives. However, the discussion of the second viewpoint is somewhat limited and could benefit from more depth. For instance, while it mentions the positive aspects of consumerism, such as improved standards of living and innovation, these points are not sufficiently developed or supported with specific examples.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should include more detailed examples and explanations for both sides. For instance, when discussing the benefits of consumerism, the writer could elaborate on how consumer culture drives economic growth or supports local businesses. Additionally, integrating more statistics or studies could strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer presents a clear position against prioritizing material possessions, stating that there are more important aspects of life to consider. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding paragraph. However, the transition between discussing the two views and the writer’s opinion could be clearer. The phrase "from my point of view" is a good start, but the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the discussion of both views and the final opinion.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should clearly delineate their opinion earlier in the essay, perhaps by stating their position in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. Additionally, using transitional phrases to connect the discussion of both viewpoints to the final opinion can help maintain a clear narrative thread.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to both consumerism and its drawbacks. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat uneven. For example, the discussion of how celebrities influence consumer behavior is a strong point, but the counterargument regarding the benefits of consumerism lacks depth and specific examples. The mention of environmental impacts is a valid point but could be expanded to include more examples of how consumerism affects the environment.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to extend and support their ideas more thoroughly. This could involve providing additional examples, such as discussing how consumerism can lead to job creation or technological advancements. Additionally, incorporating counterarguments and addressing them could enhance the depth of the analysis.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing consumer societies and the importance of money and possessions. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper. For instance, the mention of "creatures being hunted" to produce items, while relevant to the environmental impact of consumerism, could be more closely tied to the overall argument about the negative aspects of consumer culture.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central theme of consumerism and its implications. This can be achieved by explicitly linking examples back to the main argument and avoiding tangential points that do not contribute directly to the discussion.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear opinion, it would benefit from deeper exploration of both viewpoints, clearer transitions, and more robust support for its ideas. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of the essay and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. The ideas are generally well-organized, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the discussion. For example, the first body paragraph effectively outlines the reasons for the importance placed on material possessions, while the second body paragraph addresses the opposing viewpoint regarding the benefits of consumerism. However, the transition between the two views could be smoother to enhance logical flow.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" at the beginning of the second body paragraph would help signal the shift in perspective more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph dedicated to a distinct point. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, while the body paragraphs are divided into the two opposing views. However, the conclusion could be more developed to summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs and reinforce the writer’s opinion.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph not only presents a single idea but also connects back to the thesis statement. In the conclusion, briefly restate the main arguments from each body paragraph before presenting the final opinion. This will create a more cohesive structure and reinforce the overall argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "for example," "in addition," and "however." These devices help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more varied expressions to enhance coherence.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking phrases and words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "in addition," consider alternatives like "furthermore," "moreover," or "besides." Additionally, use phrases that indicate contrast or concession, such as "despite this," or "nevertheless," to create a more nuanced discussion of the opposing views.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement in the organization of ideas, paragraph development, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity and coherence, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "consumerism," "extravagant," and "indispensable" showing some level of sophistication. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "important" and "materials" could be replaced with synonyms such as "significant," "essential," or "commodities" to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should actively seek synonyms and practice using them in context. Engaging with vocabulary-building exercises or reading diverse materials can help expand the range of vocabulary. For instance, instead of saying "many people think," the writer could use "a significant number of individuals believe" to add variety.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "paying attention to materials" could be more accurately expressed as "prioritizing material possessions." Additionally, the term "psychology" in "it can create a psychology for everyone" is vague and could be replaced with "mindset" or "perception" for clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on context and the specific meanings of words. Practicing paraphrasing sentences and using vocabulary in different contexts can help. For example, instead of saying "numerous serious threats to our environment," the writer could specify "significant environmental threats posed by consumerism."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors. However, there are minor issues, such as "creatures were hunted" which could be better expressed as "species were endangered" to convey a more precise meaning. The phrase "the companies invest money" could be more effectively stated as "companies invest significant resources."
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, perhaps reading it aloud to catch any mistakes. Additionally, using spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can be beneficial. Regular practice in writing can also help solidify correct spelling over time.

Overall, while the essay meets the criteria for a Band 6 in Lexical Resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By actively expanding vocabulary, focusing on precise word choice, and practicing spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource for future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound sentences. For instance, the use of "To begin with, due to the development of technology and media networks, myriad celebrities and influencers have used that to search for fame and reputation…" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys a multifaceted idea. However, there are instances of simpler sentence constructions that could be enhanced for greater impact, such as "Many people think that humans consider money and possessions to be very important." This could be rephrased to incorporate more sophisticated structures.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, conditional clauses, and participial phrases. For example, instead of starting with "Many people think," the writer could use "It is widely believed that…" or "There is a prevailing notion that…". Additionally, integrating more relative clauses could enhance the complexity of sentences, such as "Many people, who prioritize material wealth, overlook the intrinsic value of personal relationships."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are a few errors that detract from its overall quality. For example, the phrase "the companies invest money in launching campaigns on every network or billboard with many sales and benefits for the buyers" could be clearer if rephrased to avoid ambiguity. The use of commas is sometimes inconsistent, such as in the sentence "However, they may have to take into consideration that consumer culture can pose numerous serious threats to our environment as many creatures were hunted to produce items," where a comma before "as" could enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in punctuation and sentence clarity. Practicing the correct use of commas, especially in complex sentences, is essential. Furthermore, the writer could benefit from reviewing subject-verb agreement and ensuring that verb tenses are consistent throughout the essay. For instance, in the phrase "creatures were hunted to produce items," it would be clearer to specify "many species of animals have been hunted" to indicate ongoing relevance.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By implementing the suggested strategies, the writer can enhance the effectiveness and clarity of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many people think that humans consider money and possessions to be very important, while others advocate that consumerism has played a vital role in enhancing our lives. From my point of view, material possessions should not be prioritized, as there are numerous things to pay attention to.

On the one hand, there are several reasons for the increasing trend of paying attention to material possessions. To begin with, due to the development of technology and media networks, numerous celebrities and influencers have utilized these platforms to seek fame and reputation by showing off many costly clothes, vehicles, and other extravagant possessions. This can create norms about wealth that everyone must own lots of expensive items. For example, Kylie Jenner, an influencer and billionaire, is considered to be a model for the wealthy by possessing various luxury items. In addition, consumers are easily attracted by the advertisements of brands, as companies invest money in launching campaigns on every network or billboard with many sales and benefits for buyers.

Some opponents might argue that consumerism is an indispensable part of our lives that can create a higher standard of living and improved quality of life, as well as promote creativity and innovation. However, they may have to take into consideration that consumer culture can pose significant threats to our environment, as numerous species are hunted to produce products. To illustrate, a large number of crocodiles were killed to make handbags and shoes. Furthermore, it can influence the mindset of individuals, leading them to judge others based on their appearance and material possessions, overlooking their personalities.

To sum up, despite the advantages of a consumer society, I firmly believe that there are other things and characteristics that individuals should focus on to create a better lifestyle.