Many people think that zoos are cruel. Others think they are helpful in protecting rare animals. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

Many people think that zoos are cruel. Others think they are helpful in protecting rare animals.
Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

Opinions are divided on whether zoos are cruel places where animals are kept or whether it is a good place to preserve endangered species. While I understand why some individuals support the former view, I am still in favour of the latter.
Those who believe that zoos are merciless may have several arguments. Perhaps one of these is isolating the animal from its natural habitat. Due to the zoo's small space, limits much activity of animals, and gradually lose their natural instincts such as hunting and self-defense. This also causes animals to feel imprisoned and uncomfortable. For example, birds often move around a lot throughout their lives but zoos often do not have enough space for them to freely fly around. Another point is they always face the presence of people which is not common in the natural habitat. This harms animals and makes them afraid and always hide from humans. For instance, besides some animals that are friendly and like to companionship with humans, marsupials, porcupines, and weasels are very afraid of the presence of humans and always try to hide.
Nevertheless, I still side with those who believe that zoos are a good place to protect the brink of extinction animals for several reasons. Chief among these is that safeguard the well-being of wildlife when it is raised in zoos. Climate change has a big negative effect on the habitat of some animals and causes them on the verge. Therefore, providing a good environment for their development is a good way to protect it. Another reason worth mentioning is protecting animals from illegal hunting. This situation in some countries is increasing and alarming putting some animals at risk of extinction. For example, in Africa, Rhinos are being hunted illegally for their horns, making them increasingly rare and at risk of extinction without government intervention.
In conclusion, despite acknowledging the logic behind the view that zoos are cruel, I still belief that this place is a good house for endangered species.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Opinions are divided on whether zoos are cruel places where animals are kept or whether it is a good place to preserve endangered species." -> "There is a divergence of opinions regarding whether zoos constitute inhumane environments for animal captivity or serve as valuable sanctuaries for preserving endangered species."
   Explanation: The revised sentence employs more formal language and clarifies the subject matter, improving its academic tone.

2. "While I understand why some individuals support the former view, I am still in favour of the latter." -> "While I comprehend the rationale behind those who endorse the former perspective, I remain an advocate for the latter."
   Explanation: The suggested alternative replaces casual language with more sophisticated vocabulary and maintains a formal tone.

3. "Those who believe that zoos are merciless may have several arguments." -> "Individuals espousing the belief that zoos are inhumane may present several arguments."
   Explanation: The change substitutes "merciless" with "inhumane" for a more precise and formal term, aligning with academic style.

4. "Due to the zoo’s small space, limits much activity of animals, and gradually lose their natural instincts such as hunting and self-defense." -> "Because of the limited space in zoos, animals face restrictions on their activities and gradually lose their natural instincts, such as hunting and self-defense."
   Explanation: The revised sentence enhances clarity and formality by restructuring the sentence and using more precise language.

5. "This also causes animals to feel imprisoned and uncomfortable." -> "This phenomenon also induces feelings of confinement and discomfort in animals."
   Explanation: The recommended phrasing is more formal and provides a clearer description of the animals’ emotional state.

6. "For example, birds often move around a lot throughout their lives but zoos often do not have enough space for them to freely fly around." -> "For instance, avian species typically engage in extensive movement throughout their lifetimes, yet zoos often lack sufficient space to enable them to exercise their natural flying behaviors."
   Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains a formal tone and specifies the example with more precise language.

7. "Nevertheless, I still side with those who believe that zoos are a good place to protect the brink of extinction animals for several reasons." -> "Nonetheless, I continue to align with the viewpoint that zoos serve as valuable sanctuaries for safeguarding critically endangered species, and this stance is supported by several compelling reasons."
   Explanation: The revised sentence utilizes more formal language and provides a clearer expression of the author’s viewpoint.

8. "Chief among these is that safeguard the well-being of wildlife when it is raised in zoos." -> "Foremost among these reasons is the preservation of wildlife well-being when they are raised in zoological institutions."
   Explanation: The suggested alternative improves clarity and formality by rephrasing the sentence.

9. "This situation in some countries is increasing and alarming putting some animals at risk of extinction." -> "This situation is escalating and alarming in some countries, placing certain species at a heightened risk of extinction."
   Explanation: The revision offers a more formal and clear expression of the idea.

10. "In conclusion, despite acknowledging the logic behind the view that zoos are cruel, I still belief that this place is a good house for endangered species." -> "In conclusion, while I acknowledge the validity of arguments against zoos, I maintain the belief that they serve as vital sanctuaries for endangered species."
    Explanation: The revised conclusion maintains a formal tone and clarifies the author’s standpoint.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both sides of the argument (whether zoos are cruel or helpful in protecting rare animals) and presents the author’s own opinion.
  • How to improve: There is no need for improvement in this aspect. The essay adequately addresses all aspects of the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The author states their support for the idea that zoos are a good place to protect endangered animals and maintains this stance throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: There is no need for improvement in this aspect. The author effectively presents and maintains their position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas adequately. It provides reasons for both sides of the argument, such as the negative effects of zoos on animals’ natural instincts and the benefits of zoos in protecting animals from habitat loss and illegal hunting. Specific examples, like the mention of birds’ limited space and the illegal hunting of rhinos in Africa, are included to support the arguments.
  • How to improve: While the essay does a good job of presenting and supporting ideas, it could benefit from providing more in-depth analysis and elaboration on some points. For instance, elaborating further on how zoos provide a good environment for development and how they contribute to protecting endangered species could strengthen the essay.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic throughout. It consistently addresses the question of whether zoos are cruel or helpful in protecting rare animals and does not deviate from this focus.
  • How to improve: There is no need for improvement in this aspect. The essay maintains focus and relevance to the topic.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position, discussing both sides of the argument, and providing support for the author’s opinion. To improve further, the author could consider providing more detailed analysis and examples to strengthen their arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is logically organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. It begins by presenting the two opposing viewpoints, follows with arguments against zoos, and then presents arguments in favor of zoos before concluding with the writer’s opinion.
  • How to improve: The logical organization is effective. However, to further enhance coherence, consider using transition phrases between paragraphs to guide the reader through the essay more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different points. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
  • How to improve: The paragraph structure is sound. To improve further, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence at the beginning and follows a logical flow of ideas.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay makes use of cohesive devices, such as "While," "Nevertheless," and "In conclusion," to connect ideas and paragraphs. These devices help maintain the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating more transitional words and phrases within sentences. For instance, you could use words like "Furthermore," "On the other hand," or "Moreover" to provide additional cohesion within paragraphs.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong level of coherence and cohesion. It effectively organizes information, uses paragraphs appropriately, and employs a range of cohesive devices to connect ideas. To improve further, focus on enhancing the use of transitional phrases and ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. This will help the essay flow even more smoothly while maintaining its logical structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. It includes words and phrases such as "merciless," "brink of extinction," "illegal hunting," and "government intervention" to convey the author’s points. However, there is room for improvement as some concepts and ideas could be expressed with a broader vocabulary.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific terms and synonyms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "animals," you could use alternatives like "wildlife," "fauna," or "creatures." Additionally, explore synonyms for common words to add nuance and variety to your writing.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary with precision, such as in the phrase "protecting animals from illegal hunting." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, when discussing the negative effects of climate change, specifying which animals are affected and how would make the argument more precise.
  • How to improve: To use vocabulary more precisely, focus on providing specific details and examples. Instead of general statements, offer concrete information that clarifies your points. For instance, specify which animals are impacted by climate change, how their habitats are affected, and the exact risks they face.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, which affect the overall clarity and readability of the text. For instance, "belief" is misspelled as "belief," "companionship" as "companionship," and "limits" as "limits." These errors can distract the reader from the content.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work carefully before submission. You can also use spell-check tools and dictionary resources to verify the correctness of your spelling. Additionally, practice writing and pay attention to common spelling mistakes to avoid repeating them in the future.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an adequate level of lexical resource, it can benefit from a more extensive and precise vocabulary. Additionally, addressing spelling errors will contribute to a higher level of clarity and professionalism in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While it includes some complex sentences, such as "Climate change has a big negative effect on the habitat of some animals and causes them on the verge," there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound and complex sentences. For example, you can use subordinating conjunctions like "although," "while," and "because" to create complex sentences that provide a deeper level of detail and complexity to your arguments.

• Use Grammar Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some grammatical inaccuracies. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "causes them on the verge," which should be "causes them to be on the verge." Additionally, there are occasional errors in article usage and preposition placement.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, proofread your essay carefully for subject-verb agreement, article usage, and prepositions. You might also consider seeking feedback from a proficient English speaker or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct these errors.

• Use Correct Punctuation:

  • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage in the essay is generally correct, with proper placement of commas, periods, and question marks. However, there are instances where clarity could be improved by using punctuation more effectively. For instance, the sentence "Climate change has a big negative effect on the habitat of some animals and causes them on the verge" would benefit from a comma before "and" to separate the two clauses.
  • How to improve: Continue to use punctuation correctly, but pay attention to how it affects the flow and clarity of your sentences. In complex sentences, use commas to separate clauses or phrases for better readability. Review punctuation rules for specific situations, such as using semicolons or colons, to further refine your punctuation skills.

Overall, your essay exhibits strong language proficiency, but there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy. These enhancements can help you achieve an even higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Opinions vary regarding whether zoos are cruel environments for animals or serve as valuable sanctuaries for preserving endangered species. While I comprehend the rationale behind those who endorse the former perspective, I remain an advocate for the latter.

Individuals espousing the belief that zoos are inhumane may present several arguments. One of these concerns isolating animals from their natural habitats. Due to the limited space in zoos, animals face restrictions on their activities and gradually lose their natural instincts, such as hunting and self-defense. This phenomenon also induces feelings of confinement and discomfort in animals. For instance, avian species typically engage in extensive movement throughout their lifetimes, yet zoos often lack sufficient space to enable them to exercise their natural flying behaviors. Another point is the constant presence of people, which is uncommon in their natural habitats. This can harm animals, making them afraid and always seeking refuge from humans. For example, besides some animals that are friendly and enjoy companionship with humans, marsupials, porcupines, and weasels are very afraid of human presence and consistently try to hide.

Nonetheless, I continue to align with the viewpoint that zoos serve as valuable sanctuaries for safeguarding critically endangered species, and this stance is supported by several compelling reasons. Foremost among these reasons is the preservation of wildlife well-being when they are raised in zoological institutions. Climate change has a significant negative impact on the habitats of some animals, pushing them to the brink of extinction. Therefore, providing a suitable environment for their development is a commendable way to protect them. Another reason worth mentioning is protecting animals from illegal hunting. This situation is escalating and alarming in some countries, placing certain species at a heightened risk of extinction. For example, in Africa, rhinos are being hunted illegally for their horns, making them increasingly rare and at risk of extinction without government intervention.

In conclusion, while I acknowledge the validity of arguments against zoos, I maintain the belief that they serve as vital sanctuaries for endangered species.