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Many people use social media every day to get in touch with other people and news events. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?

Many people use social media every day to get in touch with other people and news events. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?

There are a number of people who use digital platform every day as a way to interact with other individuals and news events. There are clearly benefits and drawbacks in this phenomenon, this essay will examine both of the point views.
First and foremost, the main advantage of using social media is that they help us keep in touch with our relationships, in particular our family and friends. Communication used to be more difficult in the past but it is now more convenient , for example, everyone in every part of the world can effortlessly connect to others just by sitting in front of the screen. Secondly, social networking contributes to getting the global news come to everybody without any delays. For instance, publishing plays a vital role in giving daily updates of whatever is happening today’s world. Thus, social media have made life easier.
On the contrary, social networking has many drawbacks which is considered carefully. Firstly, they are quite clearly to be addicted, especially young people, directly influence on their physical health. Excessive use of media can lead to many illnesses, such as short-sighted, obesity,… In fact, these kinds of disease make life more uncomfortable and waste of money cursing them. Similarly, using too much social media can make suffer from mental health disorders. Digital platforms present itself as a dangerous place, because of anonymous identity people can do whatever they want without thinking the consequences. As a result, a large number of people are using mobile applications suffer from cyberbullying, bad comments, fake news,… has led to serious mental illnesses such as autism, stress,… Thus, it is clear that the disadvantages of social media are numerous and deniable.
In conclusion, although the benefits of using social networking sites it also brings a lot of drawbacks that can be easily to be seen.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "There are a number of people who use digital platform every day" -> "A considerable number of individuals utilize digital platforms on a daily basis"
    Explanation: Replacing "There are a number of people who use digital platform every day" with "A considerable number of individuals utilize digital platforms on a daily basis" enhances formality and precision, avoiding the informal phrase "every day."

  2. "both of the point views" -> "both points of view"
    Explanation: Correcting "both of the point views" to "both points of view" simplifies the expression and adheres to standard academic language.

  3. "First and foremost" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: Substituting "First and foremost" with "Firstly" maintains a formal tone while providing a more concise transition to the next point.

  4. "Communication used to be more difficult in the past but it is now more convenient" -> "Communication was more challenging in the past; however, it has become more convenient."
    Explanation: Restructuring "Communication used to be more difficult in the past but it is now more convenient" to "Communication was more challenging in the past; however, it has become more convenient" improves clarity and aligns with academic style by avoiding the informal phrase "used to be."

  5. "everyone in every part of the world can effortlessly connect to others just by sitting in front of the screen" -> "individuals worldwide can easily connect with others by simply sitting in front of a screen"
    Explanation: Replacing "everyone in every part of the world can effortlessly connect to others just by sitting in front of the screen" with "individuals worldwide can easily connect with others by simply sitting in front of a screen" maintains clarity while using more formal and precise language.

  6. "getting the global news come to everybody without any delays" -> "disseminating global news to everyone without delays"
    Explanation: Changing "getting the global news come to everybody without any delays" to "disseminating global news to everyone without delays" results in a more formal and concise expression.

  7. "quite clearly to be addicted" -> "prone to addiction"
    Explanation: Substituting "quite clearly to be addicted" with "prone to addiction" provides a more formal and accurate description of the issue.

  8. "directly influence on their physical health" -> "directly influencing their physical health"
    Explanation: Correcting "directly influence on their physical health" to "directly influencing their physical health" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal tone.

  9. "Excessive use of media can lead to many illnesses, such as short-sighted, obesity,…" -> "Excessive media use can contribute to various health issues, such as myopia and obesity."
    Explanation: Changing "Excessive use of media can lead to many illnesses, such as short-sighted, obesity,…" to "Excessive media use can contribute to various health issues, such as myopia and obesity" improves precision and replaces colloquial language.

  10. "make life more uncomfortable and waste of money cursing them" -> "make life more uncomfortable and incur unnecessary expenses in addressing them"
    Explanation: Replacing "make life more uncomfortable and waste of money cursing them" with "make life more uncomfortable and incur unnecessary expenses in addressing them" enhances formality and clarity.

  11. "using too much social media can make suffer from mental health disorders" -> "excessive use of social media can lead to mental health disorders"
    Explanation: Adjusting "using too much social media can make suffer from mental health disorders" to "excessive use of social media can lead to mental health disorders" maintains a formal tone and improves grammatical structure.

  12. "Digital platforms present itself as a dangerous place" -> "Digital platforms present themselves as dangerous places"
    Explanation: Correcting "Digital platforms present itself as a dangerous place" to "Digital platforms present themselves as dangerous places" ensures subject-verb agreement and maintains formal language.

  13. "because of anonymous identity people can do whatever they want without thinking the consequences" -> "due to the anonymity, individuals can act without considering the consequences"
    Explanation: Changing "because of anonymous identity people can do whatever they want without thinking the consequences" to "due to the anonymity, individuals can act without considering the consequences" improves clarity and formality.

  14. "a large number of people are using mobile applications suffer from cyberbullying, bad comments, fake news" -> "a significant number of users of mobile applications experience issues such as cyberbullying, negative comments, and misinformation"
    Explanation: Replacing "a large number of people are using mobile applications suffer from cyberbullying, bad comments, fake news" with "a significant number of users of mobile applications experience issues such as cyberbullying, negative comments, and misinformation" enhances precision and formality.

  15. "has led to serious mental illnesses such as autism, stress,…" -> "resulting in serious mental health conditions, including autism and stress"
    Explanation: Changing "has led to serious mental illnesses such as autism, stress,…" to "resulting in serious mental health conditions, including autism and stress" improves the accuracy of the statement and maintains a formal tone.

  16. "it also brings a lot of drawbacks that can be easily to be seen" -> "it also has numerous drawbacks that are readily apparent"
    Explanation: Correcting "it also brings a lot of drawbacks that can be easily to be seen" to "it also has numerous drawbacks that are readily apparent" improves formality and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address both the advantages and disadvantages of using social media. The advantages are discussed in terms of facilitating communication and accessing global news. However, the analysis of disadvantages is more thorough, covering aspects like addiction, physical health issues, and mental health concerns.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, consider providing a more balanced analysis of advantages and disadvantages. Devote equal attention to both sides of the argument to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does present a clear position throughout. It acknowledges both the advantages and disadvantages, and the conclusion suggests a balanced view.
    • How to improve: While maintaining a balanced perspective, try to strengthen the thesis statement in the introduction to clearly express your overall stance on the topic. This will help guide the reader through the essay more effectively.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately but lacks depth in supporting them. For instance, when discussing the advantages, providing specific examples or elaborating on the convenience of global communication would enhance the essay. Similarly, the disadvantages section could benefit from more concrete examples and elaboration.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the essay by incorporating more specific examples and expanding on ideas. This will provide a more thorough exploration of the topic and demonstrate a deeper understanding.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but could improve in maintaining focus. Some ideas, especially in the disadvantages section, are briefly mentioned without sufficient development.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each point made is fully explored and directly related to the prompt. Avoid introducing new ideas that are not extensively discussed, as this can distract from the main topic.

Overall Feedback and Suggestions for Improvement:

The essay effectively addresses the advantages and disadvantages of using social media, but there is room for improvement in providing a more balanced analysis. Strengthen the thesis statement to better convey your stance, and ensure equal attention to both sides of the argument. Additionally, enhance the depth of analysis by incorporating specific examples and elaborating on ideas. Stay focused on the main topic, avoiding brief mentions of points that are not thoroughly developed. With these improvements, the essay has the potential to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It opens with a clear introduction, stating the intention to explore both advantages and disadvantages. However, within paragraphs, the organization is somewhat erratic. For instance, the transition from discussing the advantages to the disadvantages could be smoother. Additionally, the conclusion is concise but could provide a more comprehensive summary of the main points.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider creating a clearer structure. Group similar ideas within paragraphs and use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the different points. Ensure a smooth transition between the discussion of advantages and disadvantages. In the conclusion, summarize key points from both perspectives for a more cohesive ending.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but their structure is uneven. While there is an introduction and a conclusion, the body paragraphs lack consistent topic sentences and clear divisions of ideas. Some sentences are overly long, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph has a central theme, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Break long sentences into shorter, more digestible ones to improve readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices. While some basic connectors (e.g., "first and foremost," "on the contrary") are used, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of cohesive devices. This affects the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. Incorporate a variety of transition words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," and "however," to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will improve the overall coherence and help the reader follow the essay’s argument more easily.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and expressions, but the vocabulary could be more diverse and sophisticated. For example, the repetition of phrases like "social media" and "daily updates" could be replaced with more nuanced alternatives to enhance lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and more precise terms. Instead of frequently using "social media," explore alternatives such as "digital platforms," "online networks," or "cyberspace." Also, introduce more specialized vocabulary related to the advantages and disadvantages discussed in the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage varies. There are instances where words are used accurately, such as "short-sighted" and "cyberbullying." However, there are imprecise uses, like "life more uncomfortable and waste of money cursing them." This phrase is unclear and could be rephrased for better precision.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining the clarity of expression. Instead of vague phrases, provide specific examples or elaborate on ideas to enhance precision. For instance, specify how excessive social media use leads to health issues and financial waste. Clarify the relationship between discomfort, illness, and the financial burden incurred.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a mix of correct and incorrect spelling. Instances of misspelled words, such as "quite clearly" (quite clearly), "cursing" (causing), and "cyberbullying" (cyber bullying), affect the overall spelling accuracy. These errors are not pervasive but are noticeable.
    • How to improve: Pay closer attention to spelling, especially when using complex terms. Utilize spell-check tools and proofread thoroughly to identify and correct spelling errors. Additionally, focus on common problematic areas, such as homophones and frequently misspelled words, to enhance overall spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences. For example, the essay uses simple sentences like "There are clearly benefits and drawbacks in this phenomenon," and also employs a more complex sentence like "Similarly, using too much social media can make suffer from mental health disorders." However, there is room for improvement in sentence variety to enhance overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To further improve the range of structures, consider incorporating compound and compound-complex sentences. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, combine related ideas to create more complex structures. This can contribute to a smoother flow and add sophistication to your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of accurate and inaccurate grammar. There are instances of subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., "There are a number of people who use digital platform every day"), and punctuation errors (e.g., missing commas after introductory phrases). Additionally, there are problems with word usage, such as "quite clearly" and "it also brings," which impact overall clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to subject-verb agreement, ensure proper punctuation after introductory phrases, and refine word choice for clarity. For example, replace "quite clearly" with "clearly" for conciseness. Proofread carefully to catch these errors, and consider seeking feedback from others to identify areas of improvement.

Overall, while the essay exhibits competence in grammatical range and accuracy, refinement in sentence structure variety and attention to grammar and punctuation details can contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a considerable number of individuals who utilize digital platforms on a daily basis as a means of interacting with others and staying updated on news events. This phenomenon has both advantages and disadvantages, and this essay will explore both perspectives.

Firstly, one of the main advantages of using social media is its role in facilitating communication with our relationships, particularly family and friends. In the past, communication was more challenging, but now it has become more convenient. For example, individuals worldwide can easily connect with others by simply sitting in front of a screen. Additionally, social media plays a crucial role in disseminating global news to everyone without delays, providing daily updates on events happening around the world. Consequently, social media has made life more convenient.

On the contrary, social networking has its share of drawbacks that should be carefully considered. Firstly, individuals, especially young people, are prone to addiction, directly influencing their physical health. Excessive use of media can contribute to various health issues, such as myopia and obesity. In fact, these illnesses can make life more uncomfortable and incur unnecessary expenses in addressing them. Similarly, the excessive use of social media can lead to mental health disorders. Digital platforms present themselves as dangerous places due to the anonymity they provide, allowing individuals to act without considering the consequences. A significant number of users of mobile applications experience issues such as cyberbullying, negative comments, and misinformation, resulting in serious mental health conditions, including autism and stress. Thus, it is evident that the disadvantages of social media are numerous and undeniable.

In conclusion, while the benefits of using social networking sites are evident, it is crucial to acknowledge the numerous drawbacks associated with excessive use. Striking a balance and being mindful of the potential pitfalls is essential for a healthy engagement with digital platforms.

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