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Many people use social media every day to get in touch with other people and news events. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?”

Many people use social media every day to get in touch with other people and news events. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?"

Theseday, the numbers of individuals who use social networking sites for keeping in contact with others and keeping up with the current affairs. In spite of being a mean of communication to be utilized, this propensity embraces more drawbacks than benefits, due to the fact that digital platforms will desensitize long screentime to its user and this way of communicating with each others through screens can be a place where frauds rage. However, it will provides plenty of needed information and facilitates contacting others who live further.

On the one hand, there are numerous of benefits to social networkings. Firstly, it is widely considered as a treasure trove of precious information. For instance, Facebook has proven itself to be a news station by sharing current affairs and with its wide range of users, they can be updated with the events which is happening globally. Additionally, video calling is now more prominent than in the past by its effectiveness and ease of transmission with apps are dedicated for video calling to shorten the distance from each other and to maintain contact easily.

On the other hand, plenty of cons are found on digital platforms which are potentially threatening. First and foremost, the social medias, itself shows that it is a place where scammers commence to counterfeit money. For example, they will try to approach the possible victims, interact with them and use tricks that manipulate them to transfer credits and disappear. Furthermore, according to sociologists, social networking sites users are more likely to have prolonged screentime and most of the time is spent on social medias. In fact, generation Z are the ones who devoted nearly 10 hours to scrolling through the digital platforms which is 6 hours longer than needed.

In conclusion, the social medias are a place where frauds work and it normalizes long screentime to users. However, it will also bring loads of merits with careful consideration.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Theseday" -> "Nowadays"
    Explanation: "Theseday" is an informal and incorrect term. Replacing it with "Nowadays" establishes a more formal tone appropriate for academic writing.

  2. "mean of communication" -> "means of communication"
    Explanation: The original phrase contains a grammatical error. "Mean" should be pluralized to "means" to correctly convey the intended idea.

  3. "desensitize long screentime to its user" -> "desensitize users to prolonged screen time"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. Rearranging the words and using "users" instead of "its user" improves readability and maintains a formal tone.

  4. "this way of communicating with each others through screens" -> "communicating with others through screens"
    Explanation: Simplifying the expression by removing unnecessary words makes the sentence more concise and aligns with formal language norms.

  5. "will provides" -> "provides"
    Explanation: The verb "provides" is sufficient on its own, and the extra "will" is grammatically incorrect in this context.

  6. "social networkings" -> "social networking"
    Explanation: "Social networkings" is not the correct form. The term should be singular, as in "social networking," to accurately represent the concept.

  7. "treasure trove" -> "valuable source"
    Explanation: While "treasure trove" is not incorrect, "valuable source" is a more academically suitable alternative that maintains a formal tone.

  8. "its wide range of users, they can be updated with the events which is happening globally" -> "its wide user base, allowing them to stay updated on global events"
    Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted. Simplifying and rephrasing it improves clarity and maintains a formal tone.

  9. "video calling is now more prominent than in the past by its effectiveness and ease of transmission with apps are dedicated for video calling" -> "Video calling has become more prevalent due to its effectiveness and the availability of dedicated apps."
    Explanation: The original sentence is cumbersome and lacks clarity. The suggested revision simplifies the expression while retaining academic formality.

  10. "pros and cons" -> "benefits and drawbacks"
    Explanation: Using "benefits and drawbacks" is a more formal and precise way to convey the idea compared to the colloquial "pros and cons."

  11. "plenty of cons are found on digital platforms which are potentially threatening" -> "numerous drawbacks exist on digital platforms, posing potential threats"
    Explanation: The revised version provides a more precise and formal expression of the idea.

  12. "social medias" -> "social media"
    Explanation: "Social medias" is incorrect; the correct term is "social media," which is a collective singular noun.

  13. "it normalizes long screentime to users" -> "it normalizes prolonged screen time for users"
    Explanation: The revised version improves the grammatical structure and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the advantages and disadvantages of using social media, mentioning benefits like information sharing and easy communication while highlighting drawbacks such as desensitization and the potential for scams.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, consider providing a more balanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages. The disadvantages are briefly mentioned, so expanding on them with more examples and depth would improve the overall response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a somewhat clear position throughout by expressing that the drawbacks of social media outweigh the benefits. However, the clarity could be improved by explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion.
    • How to improve: Start the essay with a clear thesis statement in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This will help readers understand the writer’s stance more explicitly.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with some development, such as the benefits of information sharing and drawbacks like scams. However, the presentation lacks depth, and some ideas are not fully developed or explained.
    • How to improve: Provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point. Elaborate on how social media can desensitize users and elaborate on the types of scams that occur. This will add depth to the essay and better support the ideas presented.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of social media. However, there are instances where the language and expression could be clearer, leading to potential confusion.
    • How to improve: Use clearer language and structure sentences more coherently to avoid any potential misunderstandings. Ensure that each paragraph is directly related to the prompt, contributing to a more focused and organized essay.

In conclusion, while the essay provides a generally satisfactory response to the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of balance, clarity, depth of ideas, and coherence. By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a more nuanced and well-supported discussion, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a general organizational structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are issues with coherence as the flow of ideas is occasionally disrupted. For instance, the introduction could be clearer in presenting the main points, and transitions between paragraphs are abrupt, impacting the overall logical progression of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider rephrasing the introduction to clearly outline the main advantages and disadvantages. Additionally, work on smoother transitions between paragraphs to ensure a more cohesive flow of ideas. Each paragraph should logically lead to the next, contributing to a cohesive argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but there is inconsistency in structure. Some paragraphs lack a clear topic sentence, making it challenging for the reader to discern the main idea. This inconsistency affects the overall effectiveness of the essay’s structure.
    • How to improve: Focus on structuring each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph has a coherent flow of supporting details, contributing to the development of the overall argument. This will create a more organized and reader-friendly essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, their effectiveness is limited. Some transitions are abrupt, and there is a lack of variety in connecting ideas, affecting the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Introduce a variety of linking words and phrases to establish logical connections between ideas. This will improve the overall cohesion of the essay, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.

Overall, to enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, focus on refining the introduction, improving paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. These adjustments will contribute to a more logically organized and cohesive response to the given essay prompt.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It successfully introduces words and phrases related to the topic, such as "desensitize," "treasure trove," and "counterfeit money." However, there is room for improvement as some vocabulary choices appear repetitive, like the frequent use of "social medias." Additionally, sentence structures could benefit from more varied vocabulary to enhance overall lexical resource.
    • How to improve: To widen the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative expressions for frequently used terms. Vary sentence structures by using different words that convey similar meanings. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "social medias," consider using terms like "digital platforms" or "online networks."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some precision in vocabulary usage, such as the accurate use of "counterfeit money" and "proven itself to be a news station." However, there are instances where imprecise language is employed, as seen in phrases like "long screentime" and "it will also bring loads of merits." Precision can be enhanced by avoiding vague expressions and choosing more specific terms.
    • How to improve: Focus on using precise language by avoiding broad terms like "loads of merits." Instead, specify the advantages or benefits explicitly. For instance, mention specific merits such as improved communication, enhanced information access, or strengthened social connections.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, including "Theseday" (These days), "networkings" (networks), and "screentime" (screen time). These errors, while not overly pervasive, impact the overall impression of the writing and should be addressed for improved accuracy.
    • How to improve: Prioritize proofreading to catch spelling errors before submitting the essay. Consider using writing tools with spell-check features or seeking feedback from others to identify and correct spelling mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing and revising written work will contribute to enhanced spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are prevalent, with limited use of complex structures. For example, the sentence, "Theseday, the numbers of individuals who use social networking sites for keeping in contact with others and keeping up with the current affairs," could benefit from a more varied structure for better readability and sophistication. Additionally, the repetition of certain structures throughout the essay affects its overall coherence.

    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Varying sentence lengths and structures will add fluidity to your writing. For instance, introduce subordinate clauses and employ diverse sentence openings. Be cautious of repetitive patterns, ensuring a smoother flow and increased structural complexity.

  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors that impact clarity. For example, "Theseday" should be "These days," and "screentime" should be two words, "screen time." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "the numbers" not agreeing with the singular verb "is."

    • How to improve: Review grammar rules, paying attention to subject-verb agreement and common errors. Additionally, proofread your work to catch and correct punctuation mistakes. In particular, watch for capitalization errors at the beginning of sentences and proper nouns. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-check tools to identify and rectify specific issues.

This essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and effective communication of ideas. Improving grammatical range and accuracy will elevate the overall quality of your writing, enhancing its impact on the reader. Keep practicing and refining your language skills to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, a growing number of individuals rely on social networking sites to stay connected with others and stay informed about current affairs. Despite being a means of communication, this trend has more drawbacks than benefits. Digital platforms can desensitize users to prolonged screen time, and communicating through screens may expose individuals to potential fraud. However, it provides valuable information and facilitates contact with people living at a distance.

On the positive side, social networking offers numerous benefits. Firstly, it serves as a valuable source of information. For example, platforms like Facebook function as news stations, sharing current events with a wide user base. This allows users to stay updated on global events. Additionally, video calling has become more prevalent due to its effectiveness and the availability of dedicated apps. These tools shorten the distance between individuals, making it easy to maintain contact.

On the flip side, there are significant drawbacks to digital platforms that pose potential threats. Primarily, social media platforms can be havens for scammers attempting to counterfeit money. They approach potential victims, engage with them, and use manipulative tricks to convince them to transfer credits before disappearing. Moreover, sociological studies indicate that users of social networking sites are prone to prolonged screen time, with a significant portion of their day spent on these platforms. Generation Z, for instance, devotes nearly 10 hours to scrolling through digital platforms, exceeding the recommended time by 6 hours.

In conclusion, while social media platforms can expose users to fraud and normalize prolonged screen time, they also offer valuable benefits with careful consideration.

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