Many people use social media to keep in touch with other people and news events. Do you think the advantages of this technology outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, social media platforms are widely used to contact others and get information about new occurences. Despite their disadvantages, I believe that this development would be beneficial for mankind.

On the one hand, it is noticeable that social media may have potential drawbacks on people. One significant concern that needs to be mentioned is the impact on mental well-being. It is reported that extensive use of social platforms are related to rising levels of anxiety, depression and feelings of social isolation. Furthermore, paying too much attention to those medias could extend the gap between members in a family, leading to frigid interaction between them.

On the other hand, I am convinced that people should consider the benefits of this technological advancement. Firstly, people can keep in touch with others over a long distance. To be specific, various apps, including Facebook or Instagram can provide people opportunities to chat and call with their friends and family members. Secondly, people can get information around the world more quickly than in the past. For example, many platforms now allow users to post about almost anything, which contains a lot of data from different events from various countries. This can also help students to gather knowledge for their studies.

To sum up, while social media has some clear disadvantages on people, I believe that they are outweighed by the beneficial effects. However, we need to balance the time we spend on those platforms to have a healthy life and avoid other consequences they may bring.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."
"contact others and get information about new occurences" -> "communicate with others and access information about recent events"
Explanation: "Communicate" and "access" are more precise and formal terms than "contact" and "get," and "recent events" is a clearer and more specific phrase than "new occurences."
"this development would be beneficial for mankind" -> "this development would be advantageous for society"
Explanation: "Advantageous" is a more precise adjective than "beneficial," and "society" is a more appropriate term than "mankind" in modern academic writing, which tends to avoid gendered language.
"it is noticeable that social media may have potential drawbacks on people" -> "it is evident that social media may have adverse effects on individuals"
Explanation: "Evident" is more formal than "noticeable," and "adverse effects" is a more precise term than "potential drawbacks." "Individuals" is also more formal than "people."
"extensive use of social platforms are related to rising levels of anxiety, depression and feelings of social isolation" -> "extensive use of social platforms is associated with increased levels of anxiety, depression, and feelings of social isolation"
Explanation: "Is associated with" is a more formal and precise phrase than "are related to," and the use of commas after "depression" improves readability and formality.
"those medias" -> "these media"
Explanation: "These media" is grammatically correct and more formal than "those medias."
"paying too much attention to those medias could extend the gap between members in a family" -> "excessive attention to these media may exacerbate the gap between family members"
Explanation: "Excessive attention" is more precise than "paying too much attention," and "exacerbate" is a more formal verb than "extend," and "family members" is grammatically correct.
"I am convinced that people should consider the benefits of this technological advancement" -> "it is evident that individuals should consider the benefits of this technological advancement"
Explanation: Removing "I am convinced" shifts the sentence to a more objective and formal tone, suitable for academic writing.
"people can keep in touch with others over a long distance" -> "individuals can maintain contact with others over long distances"
Explanation: "Maintain contact" is a more formal expression than "keep in touch," and "long distances" is grammatically correct.
"various apps, including Facebook or Instagram" -> "various applications, such as Facebook and Instagram"
Explanation: "Applications" is more formal than "apps," and "such as" is more appropriate than "including" in this context.
"people can get information around the world more quickly than in the past" -> "individuals can access global information more rapidly than previously"
Explanation: "Access global information" is more precise and formal than "get information around the world," and "more rapidly than previously" is a more formal temporal comparison.
"This can also help students to gather knowledge for their studies" -> "This can also facilitate students’ acquisition of knowledge for their studies"
Explanation: "Facilitate" is a more formal verb than "help," and "acquisition of knowledge" is a more precise and academic phrase than "gather knowledge."
"social media has some clear disadvantages on people" -> "social media has clear disadvantages for individuals"
Explanation: "For individuals" is more grammatically correct and formal than "on people."
"they are outweighed by the beneficial effects" -> "they are outweighed by the beneficial impacts"
Explanation: "Impacts" is a more formal term than "effects" in this context, aligning better with academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of social media, which is essential for responding to the prompt. The writer acknowledges the negative impacts on mental well-being and family interactions while also highlighting the benefits of maintaining long-distance relationships and accessing information quickly. However, the discussion of disadvantages is somewhat less developed than the advantages, which could lead to a perception of imbalance in the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to provide a more detailed exploration of the disadvantages. This could involve including specific examples or statistics to substantiate claims about mental health issues and family dynamics. Additionally, a more balanced approach in terms of the depth of discussion for both sides would strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer clearly states their position in the introduction and maintains it throughout the essay, asserting that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages. This position is reiterated in the conclusion, reinforcing the writer’s stance. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer could use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument more effectively. For example, phrases like "Despite these drawbacks," or "Conversely," could help signal shifts in focus and clarify the relationship between the points being made.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the advantages of social media, such as maintaining relationships and accessing information. However, the support for these ideas could be more robust. For instance, while the writer mentions specific platforms like Facebook and Instagram, they do not elaborate on how these platforms specifically facilitate communication or information sharing.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. This could include discussing how social media has changed the way people communicate or providing specific instances of how it has been beneficial in real-life scenarios. Additionally, incorporating counterarguments or addressing potential criticisms of the advantages could provide a more nuanced discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic of social media’s advantages and disadvantages. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For instance, the mention of "balancing the time we spend on those platforms" in the conclusion introduces a new idea that could distract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the advantages and disadvantages of social media as outlined in the prompt. It may be beneficial to avoid introducing new concepts in the conclusion and instead summarize the key points made in the body of the essay. This will help reinforce the main argument and keep the discussion cohesive.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs (one discussing disadvantages and the other advantages), and a conclusion. The ideas are logically sequenced, with the introduction setting the stage for the discussion. However, the transition between the two body paragraphs could be smoother; the shift from discussing disadvantages to advantages feels somewhat abrupt. For example, the phrase "On the other hand" is used, but a more explicit connection could enhance the logical flow.
- How to improve: To improve the logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that not only indicate a shift in perspective but also summarize the previous point. For instance, you could say, "While the drawbacks of social media are significant, it is essential to also recognize the substantial benefits it offers." This would create a more cohesive transition and reinforce the relationship between the two sides of the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of the paragraph. The current topic sentence ("On the other hand, I am convinced that people should consider the benefits of this technological advancement.") is somewhat vague and could be more direct.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that clearly indicates what the paragraph will discuss. For example, instead of the current sentence, you might start with, "Despite the concerns surrounding social media, its advantages in fostering communication and information access are undeniable." This approach provides clarity and sets the reader’s expectations for the content that follows.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "To sum up," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "Furthermore" is used effectively, but other linking words could enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, you could use "In addition," "Moreover," or "Conversely" to introduce new ideas or counterarguments. Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help maintain cohesion. For example, instead of repeating "social media," you could use "these platforms" in subsequent mentions to create smoother connections.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing its overall effectiveness in communicating the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "contact," "information," "technological advancement," and "anxiety." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with the use of "social media" and "people." Phrases like "keep in touch" and "get information" are common and could be enhanced with more varied expressions. For instance, instead of "keep in touch," alternatives like "maintain connections" or "stay connected" could be employed.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more sophisticated phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "social media," they could refer to "digital communication platforms" or "online social networks." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building resources could help diversify word choice.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "new occurrences" is vague and could be more specific, such as "current events" or "recent developments." Additionally, the term "those medias" is incorrect; the correct plural form is "media," as "media" is already a plural noun. The phrase "frigid interaction" is also somewhat awkward and could be better expressed as "distant interactions" or "cold interactions."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing context-specific vocabulary and ensuring that terms are used correctly. Practicing with exercises that emphasize word choice in context can also aid in developing this skill.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "occurences" (should be "occurrences") and "those medias" (should be "those media"). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and indicate a need for more careful proofreading.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy that includes reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Regular reading can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will enhance the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score in the Lexical Resource category.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "Despite their disadvantages, I believe that this development would be beneficial for mankind." This shows the ability to combine ideas effectively. Additionally, the essay employs a mix of simple and compound sentences, such as "On the one hand, it is noticeable that social media may have potential drawbacks on people." However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "To be specific, various apps, including Facebook or Instagram can provide people opportunities to chat and call with their friends and family members" could benefit from restructuring for clarity and flow.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of starting sentences with "Firstly" or "Secondly," try using participial phrases or adverbial clauses. Additionally, incorporating more complex structures, such as conditional sentences ("If people use social media wisely, they can reap its benefits"), can enhance the overall sophistication of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good command of grammar and punctuation, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, in the sentence "it is reported that extensive use of social platforms are related to rising levels of anxiety," the verb "are" should be "is" to agree with the singular subject "use." Furthermore, the phrase "which contains a lot of data from different events from various countries" could be improved for clarity; "which contains" should be "which contain" to match the plural noun "platforms." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are a few areas where commas could enhance readability, such as after introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for subject-verb agreement and ensure that all verbs correctly correspond to their subjects. Practicing sentence diagramming could help identify and correct these issues. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly for complex sentences and clauses, will help improve clarity. Consider reading the essay aloud to catch any awkward phrasing or grammatical errors that may be overlooked during silent reading.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, social media platforms are widely used to communicate with others and access information about recent occurrences. Despite their disadvantages, I believe that this development would be advantageous for mankind.

On the one hand, it is evident that social media may have potential drawbacks for people. One significant concern that needs to be mentioned is the impact on mental well-being. It is reported that extensive use of social platforms is associated with rising levels of anxiety, depression, and feelings of social isolation. Furthermore, excessive attention to these media could exacerbate the gap between family members, leading to frigid interactions among them.

On the other hand, I am convinced that individuals should consider the benefits of this technological advancement. Firstly, people can maintain contact with others over long distances. To be specific, various applications, such as Facebook and Instagram, can provide people with opportunities to chat and call their friends and family members. Secondly, individuals can access global information more rapidly than previously. For example, many platforms now allow users to post about almost anything, which contains a lot of data from different events in various countries. This can also facilitate students’ acquisition of knowledge for their studies.

To sum up, while social media has clear disadvantages for individuals, I believe that they are outweighed by the beneficial impacts. However, we need to balance the time we spend on these platforms to have a healthy life and avoid other consequences they may bring.