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Many scientists believe that now we can study the behavior of a three-year-old child to see whether they will grow up to be criminals. To what extent do you think crime is determined by human nature? Is it possible to stop children from growing up to be criminals?

Many scientists believe that now we can study the behavior of a three-year-old child to see whether they will grow up to be criminals. To what extent do you think crime is determined by human nature? Is it possible to stop children from growing up to be criminals?

Concerns about the increasing crime rate in recent years has led to research about how to mitigate the inclination of people towards crimes. While people claim that it is an innate characteristic, I reckon that there are more factors that decide a person’s tendency to violation, and it is plausible to prevent adolescence from offending crimes when they grow up.

Although genetics is believed to be able to foretell a person’s criminality, there are more important elements that can shape a human. The root of people’s attitude could lie in their family background which plays a pivotal part in molding their personality traits at an early stage. Through many serial murderer cases, it is clear to see that most of cold-hearted killers come from dysfunctional families where there are no emotional support and care from their family members. Many juvenile offenders are reported to come from family breakdowns where there is no one to instruct them how to behave appropriately and protect them from physical and emotional abuse. Another factor that contributes to this tendency is the influence of violent scenes from video games, movies or social media. A case in point is the 2003 incident in Tennessee, where two teenagers fired indiscriminately at traffic, emulating actions from a video game, demonstrating minimal reluctance or remorse.

Understanding more about the root of crimes, including poor upbringing and the detrimental effects of video games or movies, can make it easier to deter individuals from engaging in unlawful activities. The first solution would require the cooperation among parents, schools and social workers in creating a better environment for children. Parents should spend more time connecting with their children, being by their sides and offering constructive advice when they encounter a problem. At the same time, schools can provide more counseling programs or healthy activities to help adolescence uplift their mood, whereas social workers should carefully supervise whether children’s rights are guaranteed in each household. In terms of the damaging impact of violent video games or films on children, it necessitates the intervention from the governments. Before a new game is introduced to the public, it should be put under a close scrutiny, censored and labelled in age groups, preventing children from watching unsuitable contents.

In conclusion, the debate on whether nature or nurture plays more important role in criminal tendency is still ongoing. However, from my perspective, the major causes come from the living environments and violent games. If these problems are resolved, it can stop people from committing crimes.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Concerns about the increasing crime rate in recent years has led to research about how to mitigate the inclination of people towards crimes." -> "Concerns about the rising crime rate in recent years have prompted research into mitigating individuals’ inclination toward criminal behavior."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone by replacing "has led to" with "have prompted" and by using more precise language, such as "rising crime rate" and "individuals’ inclination toward criminal behavior."

  2. "I reckon that there are more factors that decide a person’s tendency to violation, and it is plausible to prevent adolescence from offending crimes when they grow up." -> "I believe that various factors contribute to a person’s inclination toward criminal behavior, and it is conceivable to prevent adolescents from engaging in criminal activities as they mature."
    Explanation: "I reckon" is replaced with "I believe" for a more formal tone, and "tendency to violation" is replaced with "inclination toward criminal behavior" for clarity and precision.

  3. "Although genetics is believed to be able to foretell a person’s criminality, there are more important elements that can shape a human." -> "While genetics is thought to predict an individual’s propensity for criminality, other crucial factors play a more significant role in shaping human behavior."
    Explanation: The use of "is believed to be able to" is simplified to "is thought to," and "shape a human" is refined to "shape human behavior" for clarity and conciseness.

  4. "Through many serial murderer cases, it is clear to see that most of cold-hearted killers come from dysfunctional families where there are no emotional support and care from their family members." -> "Examining numerous cases of serial murderers reveals a pattern where many cold-hearted killers originate from dysfunctional families lacking emotional support and care."
    Explanation: "It is clear to see" is replaced with "Examining," and the sentence is rephrased for a more formal and concise presentation of the information.

  5. "Many juvenile offenders are reported to come from family breakdowns where there is no one to instruct them how to behave appropriately and protect them from physical and emotional abuse." -> "Reports indicate that many juvenile offenders originate from family breakdowns, where there is a lack of guidance on appropriate behavior and protection from physical and emotional abuse."
    Explanation: "Are reported to come from" is replaced with "Reports indicate that," and the sentence is refined for clarity and formality.

  6. "Another factor that contributes to this tendency is the influence of violent scenes from video games, movies or social media." -> "Another contributing factor to this tendency is the influence of violent content in video games, movies, or social media."
    Explanation: The phrase is restructured for better flow and precision, and "scenes" is replaced with "content" for a more general term.

  7. "A case in point is the 2003 incident in Tennessee, where two teenagers fired indiscriminately at traffic, emulating actions from a video game, demonstrating minimal reluctance or remorse." -> "An illustrative example is the 2003 incident in Tennessee, where two teenagers fired indiscriminately at traffic, mimicking actions from a video game and exhibiting minimal reluctance or remorse."
    Explanation: "Case in point" is replaced with "An illustrative example," and the sentence is rephrased for better formality and coherence.

  8. "Understanding more about the root of crimes, including poor upbringing and the detrimental effects of video games or movies, can make it easier to deter individuals from engaging in unlawful activities." -> "Enhancing our understanding of the root causes of crimes, encompassing poor upbringing and the adverse effects of video games or movies, can facilitate efforts to deter individuals from engaging in unlawful activities."
    Explanation: The sentence is refined for a more formal tone, and "make it easier" is replaced with "facilitate efforts."

  9. "The first solution would require the cooperation among parents, schools and social workers in creating a better environment for children." -> "The primary solution necessitates collaboration among parents, schools, and social workers to create a conducive environment for children."
    Explanation: "Would require" is replaced with "necessitates" for a more assertive tone, and the sentence is refined for clarity.

  10. "Parents should spend more time connecting with their children, being by their sides and offering constructive advice when they encounter a problem." -> "Parents should dedicate more time to fostering connections with their children, being present, and providing constructive advice during challenging situations."
    Explanation: The sentence is refined for formality, and "connecting" is replaced with "fostering connections" for precision.

  11. "In conclusion, the debate on whether nature or nurture plays more important role in criminal tendency is still ongoing." -> "In conclusion, the ongoing debate revolves around the relative significance of nature and nurture in shaping criminal tendencies."
    Explanation: The sentence is rephrased for better clarity and formality.

  12. "However, from my perspective, the major causes come from the living environments and violent games." -> "Nevertheless, in my view, the primary causes stem from living environments and exposure to violent games."
    Explanation: "However" is replaced with "Nevertheless" for a smoother transition, and the sentence is refined for clarity and conciseness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the question, discussing the factors influencing criminal behavior (nature vs. nurture) and proposing solutions to prevent children from becoming criminals.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both parts, it could provide more depth by delving into specific aspects of nature and nurture, offering a more nuanced analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that criminal behavior is influenced more by environmental factors, such as family background and exposure to violent media, rather than innate characteristics.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently and supports them with examples, such as the impact of family background and the case of teenagers emulating video game violence.
    • How to improve: To enhance development, consider providing additional examples or counterarguments for a more comprehensive discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing factors influencing criminal behavior and proposing solutions.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph directly relates to the prompt, avoiding tangential discussions to maintain focus.

Additional Comments:

  • The essay effectively argues that crime is influenced more by environmental factors than innate characteristics.
  • It provides concrete examples to support its points, such as dysfunctional families and the 2003 incident in Tennessee.
  • The suggested solutions are practical, involving collaboration among parents, schools, social workers, and government intervention in regulating media content.

Overall Feedback:

The essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively supports the argument with relevant examples. To enhance the response, consider providing more nuanced analysis, explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion, offering additional examples or counterarguments for thorough development, and ensuring every paragraph directly relates to the prompt. The proposed solutions are practical and well-reasoned. Overall, a well-structured and coherent essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization. It begins with an introduction that sets the stage for the discussion, followed by body paragraphs that present arguments and solutions. However, there are moments where the flow could be smoother. For instance, the transition between the introduction and the second paragraph is a bit abrupt. A smoother transition would enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases at key points to guide the reader through the essay. For example, in the transition from the introduction to the second paragraph, you could use a phrase like "Building on this idea" to better connect the thoughts.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the argument or solution, contributing to overall coherence. However, the third paragraph is quite lengthy and discusses multiple aspects, making it slightly challenging for the reader to follow. Breaking it into smaller, more focused paragraphs would improve readability.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking the third paragraph into smaller paragraphs, each addressing a specific point related to the impact of family background on criminal behavior. This will make the essay more digestible and easier to follow.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "Although," "Another factor," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the use of pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas. Ensuring a seamless connection between sentences and paragraphs would further strengthen cohesion.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to pronoun usage to ensure clarity and coherence. For instance, in the sentence "Through many serial murderer cases, it is clear to see that most of cold-hearted killers come from dysfunctional families," replacing "it" with a specific noun or phrase would enhance clarity. Additionally, use pronouns consistently to refer back to previously mentioned concepts for smoother transitions.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, with a few areas that, if refined, could elevate the overall organization and flow. Consider implementing the suggested improvements to enhance the clarity and effectiveness of your argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, encompassing words and phrases such as "innate characteristic," "foretell," "dysfunctional families," "emulating actions," and "unsuitable contents." These choices contribute to a nuanced expression of ideas and a sophisticated discussion of the topic.

    • How to improve: To enhance the richness of vocabulary, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and idiomatic expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "criminal tendency," try alternative phrases such as "propensity for unlawful behavior" or "inclination toward criminal activities" where appropriate.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where the usage could be refined. For example, the phrase "mitigate the inclination" could be more precisely stated as "alleviate the propensity."

    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the specificity of words chosen. Review each sentence to ensure that the vocabulary accurately conveys the intended meaning. In particular, be cautious with abstract terms and consider providing concrete examples to clarify your points further.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally high, with only a few minor errors, such as "adolescence" instead of "adolescents." These instances do not significantly impact understanding but should be addressed for a more polished presentation.

    • How to improve: Proofread carefully to catch minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar tools to assist in identifying and correcting any overlooked mistakes. Developing a systematic proofreading routine can contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, contributing to coherence and fluency. For instance, the use of complex sentences in the introduction adds sophistication to the writing ("Concerns about the increasing crime rate…"), and throughout the essay, different structures are employed effectively to convey ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of structures, consider incorporating more compound and compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by connecting related ideas and clauses. Additionally, varying sentence lengths can contribute to a more engaging and dynamic writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are some instances where minor errors are present. For example, in the sentence "it is plausible to prevent adolescence from offending crimes," the correct form should be "adolescents from committing crimes." Additionally, there are a few instances of comma splices (e.g., "Through many serial murderer cases, it is clear to see that most of cold-hearted killers come from dysfunctional families…").
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, review sentence structures for potential errors, paying attention to subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. In terms of punctuation, ensure proper comma usage, especially when connecting independent clauses. Proofreading the essay carefully will help identify and rectify these minor issues.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and sentence structures. To improve further, focus on refining grammatical accuracy by addressing minor errors and continue to experiment with a broader range of sentence structures for enhanced expressiveness.

Bài sửa mẫu

Concerns about the increasing crime rate in recent years have prompted research into mitigating individuals’ inclination toward criminal behavior. I believe that various factors contribute to a person’s inclination toward criminal behavior, and it is conceivable to prevent adolescents from engaging in criminal activities as they mature.

While genetics is thought to predict an individual’s propensity for criminality, other crucial factors play a more significant role in shaping human behavior. Examining numerous cases of serial murderers reveals a pattern where many cold-hearted killers originate from dysfunctional families lacking emotional support and care. Reports indicate that many juvenile offenders come from family breakdowns, where there is a lack of guidance on appropriate behavior and protection from physical and emotional abuse.

Another contributing factor to this tendency is the influence of violent content in video games, movies, or social media. An illustrative example is the 2003 incident in Tennessee, where two teenagers fired indiscriminately at traffic, mimicking actions from a video game and exhibiting minimal reluctance or remorse.

Enhancing our understanding of the root causes of crimes, encompassing poor upbringing and the adverse effects of video games or movies, can facilitate efforts to deter individuals from engaging in unlawful activities. The primary solution necessitates collaboration among parents, schools, and social workers to create a conducive environment for children.

Parents should dedicate more time to fostering connections with their children, being present, and providing constructive advice during challenging situations. In conclusion, the ongoing debate revolves around the relative significance of nature and nurture in shaping criminal tendencies. Nevertheless, in my view, the primary causes stem from living environments and exposure to violent games.

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