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Many scientists believe that now we can study the behavior of a three-year-old child to see whether they will grow up to be criminals. To what extent do you think crime is determined by human nature? Is it possible to stop children from growing up to be criminals?

Many scientists believe that now we can study the behavior of a three-year-old child to see whether they will grow up to be criminals. To what extent do you think crime is determined by human nature? Is it possible to stop children from growing up to be criminals?

Concerns about the increasing crime rate in recent years has led to research about how to mitigate the inclination of people towards crimes. While people claim that it is an innate characteristic, I reckon that there are more factors that decide a person’s tendency to violation, and it is plausible to prevent adolescence from offending crimes when they grow up.

Although genetics is believed to be able to foretell a person’s criminality, there are more important elements that can shape a human. The root of people’s attitude could lie in their family background which plays a pivotal part in molding their personality traits at an early stage. Through many serial murderer cases, it is clear to see that most of cold-hearted killers come from dysfunctional families where there are no emotional support and care from their family members. Many juvenile offenders are reported to come from family breakdowns where there is no one to instruct them how to behave appropriately and protect them from physical and emotional abuse. Another factor that contributes to this tendency is the influence of violent scenes from video games, movies or social media. A case in point is the 2003 incident in Tennessee, where two teenagers fired indiscriminately at traffic, emulating actions from a video game, demonstrating minimal reluctance or remorse.

Understanding more about the root of crimes, including poor upbringing and the detrimental effects of video games or movies, can make it easier to deter individuals from engaging in unlawful activities. The first solution would require the cooperation among parents, schools and social workers in creating a better environment for children. Parents should spend more time connecting with their children, being by their sides and offering constructive advice when they encounter a problem. At the same time, schools can provide more counseling programs or healthy activities to help adolescence uplift their mood, whereas social workers should carefully supervise whether children’s rights are guaranteed in each household. In terms of the damaging impact of violent video games or films on children, it necessitates the intervention from the governments. Before a new game is introduced to the public, it should be put under a close scrutiny, censored and labelled in age groups, preventing children from watching unsuitable contents.

In conclusion, the debate on whether nature or nurture plays more important role in criminal tendency is still ongoing. However, from my perspective, the major causes come from the living environments and violent games. If these problems are resolved, it can stop people from committing crimes.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Concerns about the increasing crime rate in recent years has led to research" -> "Concerns about the rising crime rate in recent years have led to research"
    Explanation: The original sentence contains a subject-verb agreement error. "Concerns" is plural, so the verb "has" should be corrected to the plural form "have" to match.

  2. "I reckon that there are more factors that decide a person’s tendency to violation" -> "I argue that there are more factors that influence a person’s inclination toward criminal behavior"
    Explanation: The term "reckon" is informal, and "tendency to violation" can be replaced with "inclination toward criminal behavior" for a more precise and formal expression.

  3. "it is plausible to prevent adolescence from offending crimes" -> "it is plausible to prevent adolescents from engaging in criminal activities"
    Explanation: "Offending crimes" is redundant; using "engaging in criminal activities" is more formal and eliminates the redundancy.

  4. "Although genetics is believed to be able to foretell a person’s criminality" -> "Although genetics is believed to predispose individuals to criminal behavior"
    Explanation: "Foretell a person’s criminality" is imprecise. The term "predispose individuals to criminal behavior" is more specific and academic.

  5. "The root of people’s attitude could lie in their family background" -> "The foundation of individuals’ attitudes could be rooted in their family background"
    Explanation: Using "foundation" and "rooted" provides a more formal and precise expression compared to "root" and "people’s attitude."

  6. "Through many serial murderer cases" -> "In many cases of serial murderers"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity, and the suggested change provides a more concise and academically appropriate expression.

  7. "cold-hearted killers" -> "individuals with a propensity for extreme violence"
    Explanation: "Cold-hearted killers" is somewhat colloquial; using "individuals with a propensity for extreme violence" maintains formality.

  8. "Many juvenile offenders are reported to come from family breakdowns" -> "Many juvenile offenders are reported to originate from family breakdowns"
    Explanation: "Originate from" is a more formal alternative to "come from" in this context.

  9. "instruct them how to behave appropriately" -> "instruct them on appropriate behavior"
    Explanation: The preposition "on" is more appropriate in this context, providing a clearer and more formal expression.

  10. "A case in point is the 2003 incident in Tennessee" -> "An illustrative example is the 2003 incident in Tennessee"
    Explanation: "Case in point" is replaced with "illustrative example" for a more formal tone.

  11. "emulating actions from a video game" -> "emulating actions depicted in a video game"
    Explanation: Adding "depicted in" clarifies the source of the actions and maintains formality.

  12. "Understanding more about the root of crimes" -> "Gaining a deeper understanding of the causes of criminal behavior"
    Explanation: "Understanding more about" is less formal than "gaining a deeper understanding of," and "the root of crimes" is replaced with "the causes of criminal behavior" for precision.

  13. "can make it easier to deter individuals from engaging in unlawful activities" -> "can facilitate the deterrence of individuals from participating in unlawful activities"
    Explanation: "Make it easier to deter" is refined to "facilitate the deterrence," providing a more formal expression.

  14. "Parents should spend more time connecting with their children" -> "Parents should invest more time fostering connections with their children"
    Explanation: "Connecting with" is replaced with "fostering connections with" for a more formal and precise description.

  15. "it necessitates the intervention from the governments" -> "it necessitates government intervention"
    Explanation: "The intervention from the governments" is simplified to "government intervention" for conciseness and formality.

  16. "Before a new game is introduced to the public" -> "Prior to introducing a new game to the public"
    Explanation: "Before a new game is introduced" is refined to "prior to introducing," offering a more formal expression.

  17. "it should be put under a close scrutiny" -> "it should undergo close scrutiny"
    Explanation: "Be put under" is replaced with "undergo" for a more direct and formal expression.

  18. "censored and labelled in age groups" -> "censored and categorized by age groups"
    Explanation: "Labelled in age groups" is replaced with "categorized by age groups" for clarity and formality.

  19. "If these problems are resolved, it can stop people from committing crimes" -> "Addressing these issues can prevent individuals from engaging in criminal activities"
    Explanation: "Resolved" is replaced with "addressing," and "it can stop people" is refined to "can prevent individuals," offering a more formal and precise statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the debate about crime being determined by human nature, presents the view that other factors play a significant role, and concludes with a perspective on preventing crimes in children.
    • How to improve: While the coverage is comprehensive, emphasizing the relevance of nature vs. nurture in criminal tendency can add depth. Providing examples related explicitly to the question’s focus on studying the behavior of three-year-olds would strengthen the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that crime is influenced by factors beyond innate characteristics, such as family background and exposure to violent media. The stance is consistent throughout.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensure that each paragraph is explicitly tied to the main thesis. Additionally, consider a more explicit statement of the position in the introduction and conclusion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas are generally well-presented, with examples linking family background and exposure to violent media to criminal tendencies. The mention of counseling programs and government intervention extends the ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance development, consider providing more specific examples or case studies to illustrate the impact of family background or violent media. Strengthen the connection between presented ideas and their relevance to the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the determinants of criminal behavior and proposing solutions. There is minimal deviation.
    • How to improve: Be cautious not to introduce new ideas in the conclusion that are not fully developed in the body of the essay. Ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the central theme.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintaining a consistent position on the influence of factors beyond human nature in criminal tendencies. To improve, consider providing more specific examples related to the prompt and strengthening the connection between ideas and their relevance to the argument. Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic and meets the criteria for an 8-band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It begins with an introduction that introduces the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a logical sequence, discussing genetic factors, family background, and the influence of media on criminal behavior. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, there is room for improvement in the overall flow, as some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing genetic factors to family background could be made more seamless.
    • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, ensure that each paragraph connects smoothly to the next. Use transition words and phrases to guide the reader through the essay. For instance, consider using words like "Furthermore," or "Moreover" to indicate the progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which is effective in aiding readability. However, there are instances where paragraphing could be improved. The second paragraph is quite lengthy and covers multiple ideas, including family background and the influence of violent scenes. Breaking it into two or more paragraphs could enhance clarity and focus. Additionally, each paragraph should ideally center around a single main idea.
    • How to improve: Review the organization of each paragraph and ensure that it revolves around a central theme. Break down lengthy paragraphs into smaller ones, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument. This will make the essay more digestible for the reader.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices reasonably well. Transition words such as "Although," "Another factor," and "In conclusion" guide the reader through different parts of the essay. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying cohesive devices. More varied transition words and phrases could be used to establish stronger connections between sentences and ideas.
    • How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of transitional expressions. For example, use synonyms for commonly used words like "Furthermore," such as "Moreover," "Additionally," or "Furthermore." This will add nuance to the essay’s structure and improve overall coherence.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices, there is room for improvement in the seamless flow of ideas, paragraph structure, and the diversification of cohesive devices. Implementing these suggestions will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a satisfactory range of vocabulary. The candidate employs a variety of words and expressions, but there is room for improvement. For instance, the repeated use of the term "criminal tendency" could be diversified to enhance lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To elevate the range of vocabulary, the writer should explore synonyms and alternative phrases to avoid repetition. For example, using terms like "propensity for crime" or "criminal inclination" can contribute to a more diverse lexical resource.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage is generally precise; however, there are instances where word choices could be more accurate. For instance, the term "adolescence" is used when referring to young individuals, but it might be more appropriate to use "adolescents" for better precision.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should pay attention to the specific meanings of words and choose the most fitting term. In this case, using "adolescents" instead of "adolescence" when discussing young individuals will ensure more precise vocabulary usage.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is mostly maintained throughout the essay. However, there are a few errors, such as "research about" should be "research into," and "whereas" should be preceded by a comma. These errors do not significantly detract from the overall spelling accuracy but should be addressed for a polished essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to common grammatical structures and ensuring proper usage. Utilizing spelling and grammar check tools can also be beneficial.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a commendable use of vocabulary, refining precision and addressing minor spelling errors will contribute to an even more polished and effective piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. It effectively employs simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the author uses complex sentences when discussing the impact of family background on personality traits. However, there is room for improvement in the use of complex sentences. The essay tends to rely on simpler structures, and incorporating more complex sentence structures could enhance the overall sophistication of the writing.

    • How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with varied subordination and coordination. Introduce clauses, such as dependent and relative clauses, to add depth and complexity to your sentences. This can contribute to a more nuanced and sophisticated expression of ideas.

  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where grammatical accuracy could be improved. For example, in the sentence "Understanding more about the root of crimes, including poor upbringing and the detrimental effects of video games or movies, can make it easier to deter individuals from engaging in unlawful activities," there is a slight awkwardness in sentence structure. It could be revised for clarity.

    Additionally, there are a few instances of minor grammatical errors, such as in the phrase "the inclination of people towards crimes," where the more accurate phrase would be "the inclination of people toward crimes."

    Punctuation is generally accurate, but attention to detail is required. For instance, there is a missing comma in the sentence "Through many serial murderer cases, it is clear to see that most of cold-hearted killers come from dysfunctional families…"

    • How to improve: Review sentence structures to ensure clarity and coherence. Pay attention to prepositions and their correct usage. Additionally, conduct a thorough proofread to catch minor punctuation errors and ensure consistent and accurate usage throughout the essay. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-check tools to refine your grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Concerns about the rising crime rate in recent years have prompted research on mitigating people’s inclination toward criminal activities. While some argue that criminal behavior is innate, I contend that there are additional factors influencing a person’s propensity for violation, and it is plausible to prevent adolescents from engaging in crimes as they grow up.

Although genetics is believed to predispose individuals to criminal behavior, other crucial elements shape a person. The foundation of individuals’ attitudes could be rooted in their family background, playing a pivotal role in molding personality traits early on. In many cases of serial murderers, individuals with a propensity for extreme violence often come from dysfunctional families lacking emotional support and care. Many juvenile offenders originate from family breakdowns, where there is no one to instruct them on appropriate behavior and protect them from abuse. Another contributing factor is the influence of violent scenes from video games, movies, or social media. An illustrative example is the 2003 incident in Tennessee, where two teenagers fired indiscriminately at traffic, emulating actions depicted in a video game, showing minimal reluctance or remorse.

Gaining a deeper understanding of the causes of criminal behavior can facilitate the deterrence of individuals from participating in unlawful activities. The first solution involves cooperation among parents, schools, and social workers to create a better environment for children. Parents should invest more time fostering connections with their children, offering constructive advice when they encounter problems. Schools can provide counseling programs or healthy activities to uplift adolescents’ moods, while social workers should carefully supervise children’s rights in each household. Addressing the damaging impact of violent video games or films on children necessitates government intervention. Prior to introducing a new game to the public, it should undergo close scrutiny, be censored, and categorized by age groups, preventing children from accessing unsuitable content.

In conclusion, the ongoing debate about whether nature or nurture plays a more important role in criminal tendency is complex. However, from my perspective, major causes stem from living environments and exposure to violent games. Resolving these issues can effectively deter individuals from committing crimes.

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