Many young people aged 15 to 24 years are not exercising enough these days, and this is having a negative effect on their health. what are the causes of this lack of exercise? what do you think is the most effective solution to this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.
Many young people aged 15 to 24 years are not exercising enough these days, and this is having a negative effect on their health.
what are the causes of this lack of exercise?
what do you think is the most effective solution to this problem?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.
These days, most of teenagers all over the world do not chance to do physical activities. Therefore, this problem are becoming quite serious for their physical health. In this essay, I will discuss some causes of this issue and to tackle the problem.
One of the major issues leading many young people from 15 to 24 years old not enough doing exercise is not spending time to do physical activities. It is easy to see when they spend mostly time to study or even looking for part time job. In Vietnam, for example, most young Vietnamese people are finding a extra course after school or many poor students have to work part time to save their school fee. Another reason is not arranged the time. It is obvious that many teenagers do not know how to manage their time to do something.Like many provinces in Vietnam, for instance, most young people prefer to play games or access the social media than do exercise.
On the other hand, There are some ways to tackle these issue.Firstly, the government should be encourage them to take care their health. By the way, it can be reduced many disease. Secondly, they should be know how to protect by own their health. It is easy to see when most young people in Europe countries, they have many plans to do exercise per day.
To conclude, these problems about teenagers do not exercise are pretty popular. However, With various solution will help them changed it day by day in the future.
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Errors and Improvements:
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"These days, most of teenagers all over the world do not chance to do physical activities." -> "Currently, a significant number of teenagers worldwide do not have the opportunity to engage in physical activities."
Explanation: "These days" is too informal for an academic essay. "Most of teenagers" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "most teenagers." "Chance" should be replaced with "opportunity" for clarity and formality. -
"Therefore, this problem are becoming quite serious for their physical health." -> "Consequently, this issue is becoming increasingly serious for their physical health."
Explanation: "Therefore" is suitable, but "this problem are becoming" should be "this issue is becoming" for subject-verb agreement. "Quite serious" can be replaced with "increasingly serious" for a more formal tone. -
"In this essay, I will discuss some causes of this issue and to tackle the problem." -> "This essay will examine several causes of this issue and propose solutions to tackle the problem."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and precision. "In this essay, I will discuss" is overly verbose. "Some causes" can be replaced with "several causes" for specificity. "And to tackle the problem" should be "and propose solutions to tackle the problem" for grammatical correctness. -
"One of the major issues leading many young people from 15 to 24 years old not enough doing exercise is not spending time to do physical activities." -> "A significant contributing factor to the insufficient exercise among many young people aged 15 to 24 is the lack of time allocated for physical activities."
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. "Not enough doing exercise" should be rephrased as "insufficient exercise." "Not spending time to do physical activities" is awkward and should be restructured for clarity. -
"It is easy to see when they spend mostly time to study or even looking for part time job." -> "This is evident when they predominantly allocate their time to studying or even seeking part-time employment."
Explanation: "It is easy to see" is replaced with "This is evident" for conciseness. "Mostly time" should be "predominantly allocate their time." "Looking for part time job" should be "seeking part-time employment" for clarity and formality. -
"Another reason is not arranged the time." -> "Another reason is poor time management."
Explanation: "Not arranged the time" is grammatically incorrect. "Poor time management" provides a clearer and more concise description of the issue. -
"It is obvious that many teenagers do not know how to manage their time to do something." -> "It is evident that many teenagers lack time management skills."
Explanation: "Obvious" is replaced with "evident" for a more formal tone. "Manage their time to do something" is vague and can be replaced with "time management skills." -
"Like many provinces in Vietnam, for instance, most young people prefer to play games or access the social media than do exercise." -> "In many provinces in Vietnam, for example, most young people prefer playing games or accessing social media over exercising."
Explanation: "Like" is replaced with "In" for clarity. "Than do exercise" is awkward and should be replaced with "over exercising." -
"On the other hand, There are some ways to tackle these issue." -> "However, there are several ways to address these issues."
Explanation: "On the other hand" is not the appropriate transition here; "However" is more suitable. "There are some ways" is replaced with "there are several ways" for specificity. "To tackle these issue" should be "to address these issues" for grammatical correctness. -
"Firstly, the government should be encourage them to take care their health." -> "Firstly, the government should encourage them to prioritize their health."
Explanation: "Should be encourage" is incorrect; it should be "should encourage." "Take care their health" should be "prioritize their health" for clarity and formality. -
"By the way, it can be reduced many disease." -> "This can help reduce the incidence of many diseases."
Explanation: "By the way" is an informal expression; it should be omitted. "It can be reduced many disease" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. -
"Secondly, they should be know how to protect by own their health." -> "Secondly, they should know how to take responsibility for their own health."
Explanation: "Should be know" is incorrect; it should be "should know." "To protect by own their health" is awkward; "take responsibility for their own health" is clearer and more formal. -
"It is easy to see when most young people in Europe countries, they have many plans to do exercise per day." -> "This is evident in European countries where many young people have established daily exercise routines."
Explanation: "It is easy to see when" is unclear and should be replaced with "This is evident in." "Europe countries" should be "European countries" for grammatical correctness. "They have many plans to do exercise per day" is awkward and can be simplified to "have established daily exercise routines." -
"To conclude, these problems about teenagers do not exercise are pretty popular." -> "In conclusion, the issue of teenagers not exercising is widespread."
Explanation: "To conclude" is replaced with "In conclusion" for formal closure. "These problems about teenagers do not exercise are pretty popular" is unclear and informal; it should be rephrased for clarity and formality. -
"However, With various solution will help them changed it day by day in the future." -> "However, implementing various solutions will facilitate gradual change in the future."
Explanation: "With various solution" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "implementing various solutions." "Will help them changed it day by day in the future" is awkward; it should be "will facilitate gradual change in the future" for clarity and formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both parts of the question, discussing the causes of the lack of exercise among young people and proposing a solution. However, the discussion lacks depth and specificity, and some parts are unclear.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more specific and detailed causes of the lack of exercise, such as the influence of technology, lack of access to sports facilities, or societal attitudes towards physical activity. Additionally, the proposed solution should be more elaborated and supported with concrete examples.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s position on the issue is somewhat clear, advocating for more exercise among young people and suggesting government encouragement and personal responsibility as solutions. However, the expression of this position is not consistently clear throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should explicitly state the author’s position in the introduction and consistently reinforce it throughout the body paragraphs. Clear topic sentences and transitions can help maintain coherence and clarity of the argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas related to the causes of the lack of exercise and a solution, but they are underdeveloped and lack support from relevant examples or evidence. The ideas are often stated briefly without elaboration.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more detailed explanations of the causes and effects of the lack of exercise, supported by relevant examples or statistics. Additionally, the proposed solution should be more thoroughly explained and justified with evidence or real-world examples.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to address the topic of the lack of exercise among young people, it occasionally deviates with unclear or irrelevant points, such as mentioning extra courses or part-time jobs in Vietnam. These tangents distract from the main focus of the essay.
- How to improve: To stay on topic, the essay should focus on discussing factors directly related to the lack of exercise among young people and avoid tangential or irrelevant information. Keeping the discussion concise and focused will enhance coherence and relevance.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a logical organization to some extent. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. For example, the introduction provides a general overview of the issue but lacks clarity in stating the main points that will be discussed. The body paragraphs address causes and solutions separately, which aids clarity but could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas. The conclusion restates the problem and briefly mentions solutions without a strong summary of the main points discussed.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, it’s crucial to clearly outline the main points in the introduction, ensuring they are directly relevant to the essay prompt. Additionally, employing transition phrases between paragraphs can help maintain coherence and guide the reader through the essay’s structure. In the conclusion, summarize the main causes and proposed solutions to reinforce the argument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but the structure and coherence within each paragraph are inconsistent. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear delineation, leading to confusion. For instance, the second paragraph discusses both causes of the problem without a clear separation. Moreover, the third paragraph combines two separate solutions without proper transition.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea or point. Begin each paragraph with a topic sentence that introduces the central theme, followed by supporting details or examples. Ensure there is a logical progression of ideas within each paragraph. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance readability and clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a variety of cohesive devices, resulting in limited coherence. While some transition words and phrases are used (e.g., "on the other hand," "firstly," "secondly"), they are employed inconsistently and do not effectively connect ideas. Additionally, there is a lack of pronoun reference and lexical cohesion.
- How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices such as transition words (e.g., "however," "therefore," "for example") to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure pronouns clearly refer back to their antecedents to avoid ambiguity. Enhance lexical cohesion by using synonyms or related terms to maintain consistency and coherence throughout the essay. Additionally, consider using cohesive devices like conjunctions and linking words to strengthen the relationships between ideas and improve overall coherence.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in organizing ideas, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Implementing these suggestions will help enhance the clarity and coherence of the essay, ultimately improving its effectiveness in addressing the given prompt.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some variety in word choice but limited depth in lexical resource. For instance, synonyms like "teenagers," "young people," and "youth" are used interchangeably, but there is a lack of sophistication and precision in vocabulary selection. Additionally, phrases like "tackle the problem" and "take care their health" are repetitively employed without much diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim for greater diversity and precision in word choice. Instead of relying on generic terms like "teenagers" or "young people," consider using more specific descriptors or synonyms. Introduce advanced vocabulary related to health, exercise, and lifestyle choices to enrich the essay’s language. For instance, instead of "tackle the problem," use phrases like "address the issue," "confront the challenge," or "mitigate the concern" to vary expression.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays imprecise vocabulary usage at times, affecting clarity and precision. For instance, phrases like "do physical activities" and "do exercise" are repeated throughout the essay without much variation. Furthermore, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "it is easy to see when," which detracts from the coherence of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, the writer should strive for clarity and coherence in expression. Instead of generic phrases like "do physical activities," specify the type of activities, such as "engage in sports," "participate in fitness routines," or "pursue outdoor recreational activities." Additionally, revise awkward phrasing to enhance readability and coherence. Consider restructuring sentences for smoother flow and clarity of expression.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors, such as "chance" instead of "chance," "are becoming" instead of "is becoming," "a extra" instead of "an extra," "arranged" instead of "arranging," "their issue" instead of "these issues," "encourage them to take care their health" instead of "encourage them to take care of their health," "by own their health" instead of "by their own health," and "changed it" instead of "change it." These errors impact the overall coherence and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should prioritize proofreading and editing to correct errors. Utilize spell-check tools and review the essay meticulously for spelling mistakes before submission. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify and address spelling errors effectively. Developing a habit of double-checking spelling during the writing process can also contribute to improved accuracy in the future.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. There are attempts at complex structures, such as "One of the major issues leading many young people from 15 to 24 years old not enough doing exercise is not spending time to do physical activities," although these sentences are often awkwardly phrased and lack clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and clarity, the writer should aim for more varied sentence structures, including complex and compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by using subordinate clauses, introductory phrases, and transitions effectively to connect ideas and improve coherence.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical errors and inconsistencies, such as subject-verb agreement ("these days, most of teenagers"), incorrect verb forms ("do not chance to do physical activities"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, misuse of capitalization).
- How to improve: Improving grammatical accuracy involves careful proofreading and revision. Focus on subject-verb agreement, verb forms, tense consistency, and punctuation rules. For instance, revise "do not chance" to "do not have a chance," and ensure correct capitalization and punctuation throughout the essay.
Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents some ideas, there is room for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. Practicing varied sentence structures and paying attention to grammatical details will significantly enhance the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
These days, a significant number of teenagers worldwide do not have the opportunity to engage in physical activities, leading to serious implications for their physical health. In this essay, I will discuss some causes of this issue and propose solutions to tackle the problem.
One major factor contributing to the insufficient exercise among many young people aged 15 to 24 is the lack of time allocated for physical activities. This is evident when they predominantly spend their time studying or seeking part-time employment. In Vietnam, for example, many young Vietnamese students enroll in extra courses after school, while others work part-time to cover their school fees. Another reason is poor time management. It is clear that many teenagers struggle to manage their time effectively, opting to play games or access social media instead of engaging in exercise.
However, there are several ways to address these issues. Firstly, governments should encourage young people to prioritize their health. This can help reduce the incidence of many diseases. Secondly, individuals should take responsibility for their own health. This is exemplified in European countries where many young people have established daily exercise routines.
In conclusion, the issue of teenagers not exercising is widespread. Nevertheless, implementing various solutions will facilitate gradual change in the future. By addressing the lack of time allocated for physical activities and promoting better time management skills, we can encourage more young people to prioritize their health and engage in regular exercise routines.
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