Many young people do not spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor activities like hiking and climbing in natural environments. Why is this the case? How can they be encouraged to go out?

Many young people do not spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor activities like hiking and climbing in natural environments.

Why is this the case?

How can they be encouraged to go out?

Since the beginning of the twenty-first century, many youngsters do not choose to do outdoor activities such as hiking and climbing in natural environments in their holidays and weekends. In this essay, several reasons are used to explain why and solutions are mentioned to avoid this trend.

First and foremost, it is true that holidays and weekends mainly serves as a time for unwinding after a hard-working period, and it is essential to recognize that outdoor activities are no longer the only way to relax due to the development of technology. There is no denying that the appearance of electronic devices such as phones, computers and so on, provides young people with a wide range of recreational choices, and it seems to be more interesting compared to hiking and climbing, for example. Moreover, the common mindset among youngsters is that outdoor activities are accompanied with high energy operations, and that may lead to a downward trend in the number of people choosing to spend their day-offs outside.

However, there are still a number of solutions for this trend. Firstly, it is necessary to have more advertisements about outdoor activities such as hiking and climbing in order to draw more attention to youngsters. Due to the increasing use of social media and internet, advertising is not difficult at all. Secondly, campaigns are required to help youngsters gain a deeper insight into activities that take place outside. Additionally, creating more events and competitions is a good idea to address this trend.

In conclusion, despite the fact that more and more young people choose to spend their holidays and weekends indoor, I firmly believe that this problem can be discontinued by adding more efficient advertising strategies.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "many youngsters do not choose to do" -> "many young people do not opt to engage in"
   Explanation: "Opt to engage in" is more formal and precise than "choose to do," and "young people" is a more formal term than "youngsters."

2. "hiking and climbing in natural environments" -> "hiking and climbing in natural environments"
   Explanation: The phrase "in natural environments" is redundant as "hiking and climbing" already implies an outdoor setting. Removing it enhances clarity and conciseness.

3. "several reasons are used to explain why" -> "several reasons are discussed to explain why"
   Explanation: "Discussed" is more appropriate in academic writing than "used," which is vague and less formal.

4. "solutions are mentioned to avoid this trend" -> "solutions are proposed to mitigate this trend"
   Explanation: "Proposed" is more specific and formal than "mentioned," and "mitigate" is a more precise term than "avoid" in this context.

5. "holidays and weekends mainly serves as" -> "holidays and weekends primarily serve as"
   Explanation: "Primarily" is more formal than "mainly," and "serve" should be plural to match the plural subject "holidays and weekends."

6. "it is essential to recognize that" -> "it is crucial to acknowledge that"
   Explanation: "Crucial" and "acknowledge" are more academically precise than "essential" and "recognize," respectively.

7. "the appearance of electronic devices such as phones, computers and so on" -> "the advent of electronic devices such as smartphones and computers"
   Explanation: "Advent" is more formal than "appearance," and specifying "smartphones" instead of "phones" enhances precision. "And so on" is informal and can be replaced with a more formal ellipsis.

8. "it seems to be more interesting" -> "it appears to be more appealing"
   Explanation: "Appealing" is a more formal synonym for "interesting" in this context.

9. "high energy operations" -> "physically demanding activities"
   Explanation: "Physically demanding activities" is a more specific and formal term than "high energy operations," which is vague and informal.

10. "downward trend" -> "decline"
    Explanation: "Decline" is a more precise and formal term than "downward trend" in this context.

11. "have more advertisements" -> "increase advertising"
    Explanation: "Increase advertising" is a more formal and concise way to express the idea of adding more advertisements.

12. "not difficult at all" -> "feasible"
    Explanation: "Feasible" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "not difficult at all," which is too informal.

13. "campaigns are required to help youngsters gain a deeper insight" -> "campaigns are necessary to educate young people"
    Explanation: "Educate" is more specific and formal than "help gain a deeper insight," and "young people" is preferred over "youngsters" for formality.

14. "creating more events and competitions" -> "organizing additional events and competitions"
    Explanation: "Organizing" is more specific and formal than "creating," which is too vague in this context.

15. "more and more young people choose to spend their holidays and weekends indoor" -> "an increasing number of young people opt to spend their holidays and weekends indoors"
    Explanation: "An increasing number of" is more formal and precise than "more and more," and "opt to spend" is more formal than "choose to spend." Also, "indoor" should be "indoors" for grammatical correctness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt: it discusses reasons why young people do not engage in outdoor activities and suggests solutions to encourage them to do so. The first paragraph outlines the reasons, such as the allure of technology and the perception of outdoor activities as physically demanding. The second paragraph provides solutions, including advertising and campaigns. However, while the reasons are presented, they could be more explicitly linked to the question, and the solutions could be more varied and detailed.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each reason is clearly connected to the question of why young people avoid outdoor activities. Additionally, expanding on the solutions with specific examples or strategies could provide a more comprehensive answer. For instance, discussing specific types of events or campaigns that could be effective would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the trend of young people avoiding outdoor activities is problematic and that solutions exist. The writer’s stance is evident in the conclusion, where they express a belief in the effectiveness of advertising strategies. However, the position could be reinforced throughout the essay with more explicit statements about the importance of outdoor activities and the potential benefits of engaging in them.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should reiterate their position in the body paragraphs, perhaps by linking back to the main argument after discussing each reason or solution. Phrases like "This highlights the need for…" or "Therefore, it is crucial that…" can help to reinforce the overall stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a few ideas regarding the reasons for the trend and potential solutions, but they are somewhat underdeveloped. For example, the mention of technology as a distraction is relevant, but it could be expanded with examples of specific activities that compete for young people’s attention. Similarly, the solutions could benefit from more elaboration on how advertising or events could be structured to effectively engage young people.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. For instance, discussing how social media campaigns could be tailored to appeal to young audiences or providing examples of successful outdoor events could make the arguments more compelling.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the reasons and solutions related to young people’s engagement with outdoor activities. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper, particularly in the transition between discussing reasons and solutions. The phrase "this problem can be discontinued" in the conclusion could also be more directly tied back to the specific reasons discussed earlier.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the prompt. Using topic sentences that reflect the main idea of each paragraph and summarizing how each point relates to the overall question can help keep the essay on track. Additionally, avoiding vague language in the conclusion and tying it back to specific points made in the essay will strengthen the overall coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons and solutions, and a conclusion. The flow of ideas is generally logical, moving from the identification of the problem to potential solutions. For instance, the transition from discussing reasons for the decline in outdoor activities to proposing solutions is smooth, which helps maintain the reader’s understanding. However, the connection between the reasons and the solutions could be more explicitly stated to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate to the essay prompt. For example, in the second paragraph, explicitly state how the reasons lead to the need for solutions. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "As a result," or "Consequently," can help clarify the relationship between ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, with the first discussing reasons and the second outlining solutions. However, the paragraphs could be more developed; for instance, the second paragraph could benefit from more detailed examples or explanations of the proposed solutions to strengthen the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraph effectiveness, ensure each paragraph contains a clear main idea supported by specific examples or evidence. In the solutions paragraph, for example, elaborating on how advertising can be implemented or what types of events could be organized would provide depth and clarity. Additionally, consider using a concluding sentence in each paragraph to summarize the main point and reinforce the connection to the overall argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "however," and "additionally," which help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some transitions could be more varied to avoid repetition and enhance the flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "firstly" and "secondly," consider alternatives like "in addition," "furthermore," or "on the other hand." Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help create cohesion without redundancy. For example, instead of repeating "youngsters," you could use "they" or "these individuals" in subsequent references.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "unwinding," "recreational choices," and "advertisements." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and depth. For instance, phrases like "high energy operations" could be replaced with more varied expressions such as "physically demanding activities" or "strenuous outdoor pursuits." Additionally, the use of "youngsters" is repetitive; synonyms like "youth" or "adolescents" could enhance lexical variety.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and expressions. Engaging with vocabulary lists related to outdoor activities and leisure could help diversify language use. Practicing paraphrasing sentences and using varied descriptors will also contribute to a richer vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the common mindset among youngsters is that outdoor activities are accompanied with high energy operations" could be clearer. The term "accompanied with" is not the most appropriate; "require" or "demand" would be more precise. Additionally, "day-offs" is a less common expression; "days off" is the correct term.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on understanding the nuances of word meanings and their appropriate contexts. Utilizing a thesaurus can help find more accurate terms, but the writer should ensure they understand the connotations and typical usages of these words. Regular practice in writing and receiving feedback can also sharpen vocabulary precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of spelling, with few errors. However, the phrase "day-offs" is incorrectly spelled; the correct form is "days off." This minor error can detract from the overall impression of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, perhaps through exercises or apps designed for vocabulary building. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch any spelling mistakes. Reading more widely can also enhance spelling through exposure to correctly spelled words in context.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of lexical resource with a band score of 6, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "it is essential to recognize that outdoor activities are no longer the only way to relax due to the development of technology" showcases the writer’s ability to convey intricate ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way sentences are initiated. For example, the frequent use of "it is" and "there is" can make the writing feel somewhat monotonous.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use participial phrases or relative clauses. For instance, instead of starting with "it is essential to recognize," the writer could say, "Recognizing the shift in relaxation methods is essential." Additionally, employing more conditional sentences or rhetorical questions could add depth and engagement to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "holidays and weekends mainly serves" should be corrected to "holidays and weekends mainly serve" to match the plural subject. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are some areas where commas could enhance clarity, such as before the conjunction in compound sentences. For instance, in the sentence "Moreover, the common mindset among youngsters is that outdoor activities are accompanied with high energy operations, and that may lead to a downward trend," a comma before "and" could clarify the separation of ideas.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that plural subjects are matched with plural verbs. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in compound sentences and lists, will enhance clarity. Regular practice with grammar exercises and proofreading for common errors can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and tightening grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Since the beginning of the twenty-first century, many young people do not choose to engage in outdoor activities such as hiking and climbing in natural environments during their holidays and weekends. In this essay, several reasons are discussed to explain why this is the case, and solutions are proposed to mitigate this trend.

First and foremost, it is true that holidays and weekends primarily serve as a time for unwinding after a hard-working period, and it is crucial to acknowledge that outdoor activities are no longer the only way to relax due to the development of technology. There is no denying that the advent of electronic devices such as smartphones and computers provides young people with a wide range of recreational choices, and it appears to be more appealing compared to hiking and climbing, for example. Moreover, the common mindset among young people is that outdoor activities are accompanied by physically demanding activities, and that may lead to a decline in the number of people choosing to spend their days off outside.

However, there are still a number of solutions for this trend. Firstly, it is necessary to increase advertising about outdoor activities such as hiking and climbing in order to draw more attention to young people. Due to the increasing use of social media and the internet, advertising is quite feasible. Secondly, campaigns are necessary to educate young people about activities that take place outside. Additionally, organizing more events and competitions is a good idea to address this trend.

In conclusion, despite the fact that an increasing number of young people opt to spend their holidays and weekends indoors, I firmly believe that this problem can be resolved by implementing more effective advertising strategies.