More and more media attention paid for famous people who success in sports, cinema. Why do you think this thing? Do you think this is a good thing?

There has been an ongoing discourse surrounding the idea that the fame one might achieve rises in tandem with his or her success, especially regarding the perspectives of sportsmen and cinema actors. Many questions have been raised about the rationale behind such phenomenon and whether this is a positive trend or not. From my perspective, this stands as a curate's egg for both its upsides and downsides.

On the one hand, the increasing media attention on celebrities within these fields might be attributed to several factors, which are the public's celebrity culture as well as media economics. Firstly, society tends to idolize public figures, especially those who succeed in highly competitive and visible industries namely soccer or entertainment, constantly putting them in the limelight. Consequently, many undergoes the judgement of the public's eyes and bears the probability of being chosen as their role models or symbols of admiration, thus, drawing even more attention towards their very actions both on and off the field or screen. Secondly, the media thrives on content that should rake in money. What this interprets is that these headlines are more likely to attract substantial amount of attention and thus generate income for the journalists that fabricated the paper.

However, whether this is a positive trend or not is open for debate. The proponent party claim that the public figures that gained media attention would do good to the community as they should stand as influencers and inspirators towards young audiences. Thus, the younger generation is deemed to imitate the very actions displayed on screen and be instilled the morals that those actors and sportsmen have. On the other side of the spectrum, opponents of this phenomenon might argue that this would in turns create falsely unrealistic standards about personal images for others.

In summation, the reasons behind this phenomenon are the youngster's idolization and financial drive of publication firms. Moreover, I believe that the advantages equalize the disadvantages of this movement regarding its overall value.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There has been an ongoing discourse" -> "There has been an ongoing discussion"
Explanation: "Discussion" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts than "discourse," which can imply a more abstract or theoretical conversation.
"the fame one might achieve rises" -> "the level of fame one might attain increases"
Explanation: "Attain" is more formal and precise than "achieve," and "increases" is a more natural verb choice than "rises" in this context.
"curate’s egg" -> "mixed bag"
Explanation: "Mixed bag" is a more commonly understood idiom in academic writing, whereas "curate’s egg" is less familiar and might be confusing.
"Many questions have been raised" -> "Several questions have been raised"
Explanation: "Several" is more precise and formal than "many," which can be vague and informal.
"the rationale behind such phenomenon" -> "the rationale for this phenomenon"
Explanation: "For" is more grammatically correct than "behind" in this context, as it directly links the rationale to the phenomenon.
"stands as a curate’s egg" -> "presents a mixed picture"
Explanation: "Presents a mixed picture" is a clearer and more formal way to describe the complexity of an issue.
"public’s celebrity culture" -> "public’s fascination with celebrity culture"
Explanation: Adding "with" clarifies the relationship between the public and celebrity culture, making the phrase more precise.
"many undergoes the judgement" -> "many are subject to judgment"
Explanation: "Are subject to judgment" is grammatically correct and more formal than "undergoes the judgement."
"bears the probability of being chosen" -> "faces the possibility of being chosen"
Explanation: "Faces the possibility" is a more natural and formal expression than "bears the probability."
"substantial amount of attention" -> "substantial attention"
Explanation: "Substantial attention" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea.
"journalists that fabricated the paper" -> "journalists who fabricate the news"
Explanation: "Who fabricate the news" is grammatically correct and more specific than "that fabricated the paper," which is awkward and unclear.
"The proponent party" -> "The proponents"
Explanation: "The proponents" is grammatically correct and more formal than "The proponent party," which is awkward and unclear.
"influencers and inspirators" -> "influencers and role models"
Explanation: "Role models" is a more precise and commonly used term in academic discourse than "inspirators."
"in turns create" -> "in turn create"
Explanation: "In turn" is the correct phrase for indicating a sequence of events, whereas "in turns" is incorrect.
"youngster’s idolization" -> "young people’s idolization"
Explanation: "Young people’s" is more inclusive and formal than "youngster’s," which is informal and less precise.
"financial drive of publication firms" -> "financial motivations of publishing companies"
Explanation: "Financial motivations of publishing companies" is more specific and formal than "financial drive of publication firms."
"advantages equalize the disadvantages" -> "advantages outweigh the disadvantages"
Explanation: "Outweigh" is the correct term for comparing the relative importance of advantages and disadvantages, whereas "equalize" is incorrect in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: it discusses the reasons for increased media attention on famous individuals in sports and cinema and presents a viewpoint on whether this is a positive trend. The first paragraph effectively outlines the factors contributing to this phenomenon, such as celebrity culture and media economics. However, the response could benefit from a more explicit connection between these factors and the question’s implications. The second part of the essay touches on both sides of the argument but lacks depth in evaluating the positive and negative consequences.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that each part of the question is explicitly linked to the arguments presented. For instance, after discussing the reasons, explicitly state how these reasons lead to the conclusion about the trend’s positivity or negativity. Additionally, providing more concrete examples or statistics could strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both sides of the argument but does so in a somewhat ambiguous manner. Phrases like "this stands as a curate’s egg" and "I believe that the advantages equalize the disadvantages" suggest a nuanced view, but the lack of a definitive stance may confuse readers. The position could be clearer if the writer explicitly stated their opinion earlier in the essay and consistently reinforced it throughout.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, state your viewpoint more definitively in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Use clear language to express whether you ultimately believe the trend is beneficial or detrimental, and ensure that all arguments support this stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the public’s idolization of celebrities and the financial motivations of media outlets. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For example, the discussion on how celebrities can positively influence youth is introduced but not sufficiently supported with examples or elaboration. The mention of "falsely unrealistic standards" is also vague and could be more thoroughly explained.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, provide specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate your points. For instance, mention a specific celebrity known for positive influence or discuss a particular incident that exemplifies the unrealistic standards created by media portrayals. This would add depth and clarity to your arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on media attention towards celebrities and the implications of this trend. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the phrase "the proponent party claim" is somewhat unclear and could lead readers to question who the proponents are. Additionally, the term "this would in turns create falsely unrealistic standards" could be more directly tied back to the topic of media attention.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all statements directly relate back to the prompt. Avoid vague references and clarify who or what you are discussing. Using clear transitions between points can also help maintain a coherent flow that stays on topic.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents relevant arguments, enhancing clarity, depth, and focus will help achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s perspective. The body paragraphs are logically organized, with the first paragraph discussing the reasons for increased media attention and the second addressing the implications of this trend. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing media economics to the societal impact lacks a clear linking sentence, which can disrupt the reader’s understanding.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after discussing media economics, a sentence like "In addition to these economic motivations, societal factors also play a significant role" would help guide the reader more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, while the body paragraphs delve into specific reasons and counterarguments. However, the conclusion could be more developed, as it merely summarizes without reinforcing the main arguments or providing a strong closing thought.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing key points and reiterating the writer’s stance more emphatically. For example, instead of simply stating that advantages equalize disadvantages, the conclusion could reflect on the broader implications of media attention on society and suggest a balanced perspective on celebrity culture.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other side of the spectrum," which help in contrasting viewpoints. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "what this interprets is that" feels awkward and could be replaced with a more straightforward connector.
- How to improve: To diversify and enhance the effectiveness of cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "furthermore," "in contrast," and "consequently" to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, refining the logical flow, enhancing paragraph development, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the overall quality and clarity of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "discourse," "curate’s egg," "idolize," and "proponent party." These choices reflect an understanding of more sophisticated language. However, some phrases are somewhat repetitive or lack variety, such as "media attention" and "public figures," which appear multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "media attention," alternatives like "media spotlight" or "public scrutiny" could be employed. Additionally, varying sentence structures can help showcase a broader vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the judgement of the public’s eyes" is awkward and could be clearer. The term "curate’s egg" is also somewhat obscure and may not be universally understood, which could confuse readers.
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and precision by choosing more straightforward expressions. For example, instead of "the judgement of the public’s eyes," consider "public scrutiny" or "public judgment." Ensure that idiomatic expressions are well-known to avoid alienating readers.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, but there are a few errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, "undergoes" should be "undergo," and "amount" should be "amounts." Additionally, "the proponent party" could be better phrased as "proponents" for clarity and correctness.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully or using spell-check tools. Practicing commonly misspelled words and reviewing the essay for grammatical consistency can also help. Reading the essay aloud may assist in catching errors that might be overlooked during silent reading.

In summary, while the essay effectively utilizes a range of vocabulary and demonstrates a solid understanding of lexical resource, there are areas for improvement in precision, variety, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "the fame one might achieve rises in tandem with his or her success" and "the increasing media attention on celebrities within these fields might be attributed to several factors" showcase the use of subordinate clauses effectively. However, there are instances of less varied sentence beginnings and some repetitive structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "the" or "this."
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using different introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting sentences with "the," you could begin with adverbial phrases like "In addition," or "Moreover," to create a smoother flow. Additionally, incorporating more varied punctuation, such as colons or semicolons, can help to combine related ideas and demonstrate a higher level of grammatical sophistication.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "many undergoes the judgement of the public’s eyes" contains a subject-verb agreement error; "undergoes" should be "undergo." Additionally, the phrase "what this interprets is that these headlines are more likely to attract substantial amount of attention" lacks an article before "amount" and should read "a substantial amount." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "especially" in the first sentence.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for subject-verb agreement and article usage. A good strategy is to read the essay aloud, which can help catch errors that may be overlooked when reading silently. Additionally, practicing specific grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage, through exercises can reinforce these concepts. For punctuation, familiarize yourself with common rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, to enhance clarity and flow.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

There has been an ongoing discussion surrounding the idea that the level of fame one might attain increases in tandem with their success, particularly in the realms of sports and cinema. Several questions have been raised about the rationale for this phenomenon and whether it is a positive trend. From my perspective, this presents a mixed picture, with both advantages and disadvantages.

On the one hand, the increasing media attention on celebrities in these fields can be attributed to several factors, including the public’s fascination with celebrity culture and media economics. Firstly, society tends to idolize public figures, especially those who excel in highly competitive and visible industries, such as soccer or entertainment, constantly placing them in the limelight. Consequently, many are subject to judgment from the public and face the possibility of being chosen as role models or symbols of admiration, which in turn creates even more attention towards their actions both on and off the field or screen. Secondly, the media thrives on content that generates revenue. This means that headlines featuring celebrities are more likely to attract substantial attention and, therefore, generate income for journalists who fabricate the news.

However, whether this trend is beneficial or not is open for debate. Proponents argue that public figures who gain media attention can positively influence the community, serving as influencers and role models for young audiences. Thus, the younger generation may imitate the actions displayed on screen and adopt the morals that these actors and sportsmen embody. On the other hand, opponents of this phenomenon contend that it can create falsely unrealistic standards regarding personal images for others.

In summation, the reasons behind this phenomenon include young people’s idolization and the financial motivations of publishing companies. Moreover, I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of this movement in terms of its overall value.