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More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that increasing the price of fattening foods will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say
that increasing the price of fattening foods will solve this problem. To what extent
do you agree or disagree?

Certainly, tackling the rising rates of obesity requires multifaceted solutions, and increasing the price of fattening foods can be a significant step, but it might not solve the problem entirely.
On one hand, raising the price of unhealthy foods could discourage consumption, especially among those on a tight budget. This strategy may prompt individuals to reconsider their dietary choices and opt for healthier alternatives, thereby reducing the intake of foods contributing to weight gain. Moreover, the additional revenue generated from increased prices could be allocated toward educational campaigns or subsidies for healthier food options, creating a more conducive environment for healthier choices.
However, solely relying on price hikes for fatty foods might not address the root causes of obesity. Factors contributing to weight gain are multifaceted and complex, including lifestyle, accessibility to healthier options, education, and cultural influences. Furthermore, for some individuals, unhealthy eating habits might be deeply ingrained or linked to socio-economic factors, making it challenging to change behavior solely based on price adjustments.
To truly combat obesity, a comprehensive approach is essential. This encompasses education on nutrition, promoting physical activity, improving access to affordable healthy foods, and regulating food advertising, in addition to price interventions. Combining these strategies could create a more holistic approach to tackling the issue.
In conclusion, while increasing the price of fattening foods may have some positive impacts on reducing obesity rates by influencing consumer behavior, it's crucial to recognize that it's only one part of a broader strategy. Addressing this complex issue requires a multifaceted approach that considers various factors contributing to unhealthy dietary habits.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Certainly, tackling the rising rates of obesity requires multifaceted solutions, and increasing the price of fattening foods can be a significant step, but it might not solve the problem entirely."
    -> "Certainly, addressing the escalating rates of obesity demands multifaceted solutions, and elevating the cost of high-calorie foods can constitute a significant measure, though it may not offer a comprehensive solution."
    Explanation: Replacing "tackling" with "addressing" and "solving" with "offering a comprehensive solution" enhances the formality of the sentence, aligning it with academic style. Additionally, using "escalating" instead of "rising" adds specificity to the context.

  2. "On one hand, raising the price of unhealthy foods could discourage consumption, especially among those on a tight budget."
    -> "On one hand, escalating the prices of unhealthy foods could deter consumption, particularly among individuals with limited financial resources."
    Explanation: Substituting "raising" with "escalating" and "discourage" with "deter" contributes to a more formal tone. "Tight budget" is replaced with "limited financial resources" for increased precision and formality.

  3. "This strategy may prompt individuals to reconsider their dietary choices and opt for healthier alternatives, thereby reducing the intake of foods contributing to weight gain."
    -> "This approach might induce individuals to reassess their dietary choices and choose healthier alternatives, consequently diminishing the consumption of foods contributing to weight gain."
    Explanation: Replacing "prompt" with "induce," "reconsider" with "reassess," and "opt for" with "choose" elevates the level of formality and precision. The substitution of "thereby reducing" with "consequently diminishing" maintains a formal and academic style.

  4. "Moreover, the additional revenue generated from increased prices could be allocated toward educational campaigns or subsidies for healthier food options, creating a more conducive environment for healthier choices."
    -> "Furthermore, the supplementary revenue generated from heightened prices could be allocated to educational campaigns or subsidies for healthier food options, fostering an environment more conducive to making healthier choices."
    Explanation: Substituting "Moreover" with "Furthermore" enhances the coherence of the text in a formal context. Replacing "creating" with "fostering" and "more conducive" with "more conducive to making" adds precision and maintains formality.

  5. "However, solely relying on price hikes for fatty foods might not address the root causes of obesity."
    -> "Nevertheless, depending solely on price increases for high-calorie foods may not effectively target the root causes of obesity."
    Explanation: Replacing "However" with "Nevertheless" contributes to a more formal transition. Substituting "relying on" with "depending on" and "address" with "effectively target" enhances precision and academic tone.

  6. "Factors contributing to weight gain are multifaceted and complex, including lifestyle, accessibility to healthier options, education, and cultural influences."
    -> "Factors contributing to weight gain are diverse and intricate, encompassing lifestyle, access to healthier options, education, and cultural influences."
    Explanation: Substituting "multifaceted and complex" with "diverse and intricate" maintains the meaning while introducing a more formal and precise expression.

  7. "Furthermore, for some individuals, unhealthy eating habits might be deeply ingrained or linked to socio-economic factors, making it challenging to change behavior solely based on price adjustments."
    -> "Moreover, for certain individuals, unhealthy eating habits might be deeply ingrained or correlated with socio-economic factors, rendering it challenging to modify behavior solely through price adjustments."
    Explanation: Substituting "Furthermore" with "Moreover" enhances coherence. Replacing "linked to" with "correlated with" and "making it challenging to change" with "rendering it challenging to modify" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.

  8. "To truly combat obesity, a comprehensive approach is essential. This encompasses education on nutrition, promoting physical activity, improving access to affordable healthy foods, and regulating food advertising, in addition to price interventions."
    -> "To effectively combat obesity, a comprehensive approach is indispensable. This includes providing education on nutrition, promoting physical activity, enhancing access to affordable healthy foods, and regulating food advertising, alongside implementing price interventions."
    Explanation: Substituting "truly" with "effectively" and "essential" with "indispensable" enhances formality. Changing "encompasses" to "includes" maintains clarity while contributing to a more formal tone.

  9. "Combining these strategies could create a more holistic approach to tackling the issue."
    -> "Integrating these strategies could establish a more holistic approach to addressing the issue."
    Explanation: Substituting "Combining" with "Integrating" adds formality. Replacing "create" with "establish" maintains a formal tone while conveying the idea more precisely.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "Certainly, tackling the rising rates of obesity requires multifaceted solutions, and increasing the price of fattening foods can be a significant step, but it might not solve the problem entirely."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction effectively acknowledges the complexity of addressing obesity and presents the idea that raising the price of unhealthy foods is a step in the right direction. However, it lacks a clear indication of your stance on the issue. Consider explicitly stating whether you agree or disagree with the statement in the essay prompt to provide a roadmap for your readers.
    • Improved example: "Certainly, tackling the rising rates of obesity requires multifaceted solutions, and while increasing the price of fattening foods can be a significant step, I am inclined to believe that it might not solve the problem entirely."
  2. Quoted text: "Furthermore, for some individuals, unhealthy eating habits might be deeply ingrained or linked to socio-economic factors, making it challenging to change behavior solely based on price adjustments."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This point is valid, highlighting the complexity of the issue. However, it lacks specific examples or illustrations to strengthen your argument. Provide real-life scenarios or personal experiences to substantiate this claim and enhance the depth of your argument.
    • Improved example: "Furthermore, for individuals in lower socio-economic groups, unhealthy eating habits might be deeply ingrained due to limited access to affordable healthy foods. This makes it challenging for them to change their dietary behavior solely based on price adjustments."
  3. Quoted text: "To truly combat obesity, a comprehensive approach is essential. This encompasses education on nutrition, promoting physical activity, improving access to affordable healthy foods, and regulating food advertising, in addition to price interventions."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your conclusion aptly emphasizes the need for a comprehensive approach to combat obesity, but it lacks specific details on how each element contributes. Break down the components of the comprehensive approach, providing brief examples or explanations for each, making your conclusion more impactful.
    • Improved example: "To truly combat obesity, a comprehensive approach is essential. This includes targeted education programs on nutrition, initiatives promoting regular physical activity, measures to improve access to affordable healthy foods, and stricter regulations on food advertising. These, in conjunction with price interventions, form a robust strategy to address the multifaceted issue of obesity."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the complexity of the issue and presents well-reasoned arguments. Strengthening your introduction and incorporating specific examples in your points would elevate your essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of information and ideas, providing a clear progression throughout. The use of cohesive devices is skillfully managed, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. Paragraphing is employed sufficiently and appropriately, with a clear central topic within each paragraph. The essay effectively combines cohesive strategies, such as transitions and pronoun referencing, without drawing undue attention to them.

How to improve:
While the essay is well-organized and cohesive, a minor improvement could involve enhancing the variety of cohesive devices to add even more sophistication. Additionally, ensuring that all references and pronouns are consistently clear could further elevate the coherence. Overall, maintaining the current level of cohesion and logical progression while incorporating a wider range of cohesive elements would enhance the essay further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable command of vocabulary, utilizing a wide range of words fluently and flexibly. The writer skillfully incorporates uncommon lexical items, contributing to the sophistication of language use. There are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, but they are minor and do not impede overall communication. The essay effectively conveys precise meanings and ideas, showcasing a sophisticated control of lexical features. The vocabulary choices enhance the clarity and depth of the argument, reflecting a strong understanding of the topic.

How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, the writer can focus on minimizing occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. Careful proofreading can help identify and rectify these minor errors. Additionally, considering a wider array of rare vocabulary and refining the use of less common lexical items could elevate the overall lexical richness. Striving for absolute precision in word choice will contribute to achieving a consistent band score of 9.0.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay displays a variety of complex structures, utilizing different sentence forms effectively. There is frequent production of error-free sentences, showcasing good control over grammar and punctuation. The essay effectively discusses multiple facets of the argument using a mix of simple and complex sentences, demonstrating a good range of language structures.

How to improve: While the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and structure, further enhancing the complexity of sentence structures could push it closer to a Band 8. Exploring more sophisticated syntactic structures and ensuring consistency in maintaining error-free sentences could elevate the score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Certainly, addressing the escalating issue of obesity demands diverse solutions, and elevating the cost of fattening foods can be a pivotal measure, albeit not a definitive solution.
Raising the price of unhealthy foods may discourage their consumption, particularly among individuals with limited financial resources. This approach could prompt people to rethink their dietary preferences, favoring healthier options and consequently lowering the intake of foods linked to weight gain. Furthermore, the extra revenue generated from increased prices could fund educational campaigns or subsidies for healthier food choices, fostering an environment conducive to making better dietary decisions.
Nevertheless, relying solely on price increments for fatty foods might not fully tackle the underlying causes of obesity. The factors contributing to weight gain are multifaceted and intricate, involving lifestyle, access to healthier alternatives, education, and cultural influences. Additionally, for certain individuals, unhealthy eating patterns may be deeply ingrained or associated with socio-economic factors, rendering behavioral change challenging through price adjustments alone.
To effectively combat obesity, a comprehensive approach is indispensable. This approach should encompass nutritional education, the promotion of physical activity, improved access to reasonably priced healthy foods, and regulation of food advertising, alongside price interventions. Integrating these strategies could yield a more holistic approach in addressing this issue.
In conclusion, while augmenting the price of fattening foods may yield positive results in curbing obesity by influencing consumer behavior, it’s imperative to acknowledge that it constitutes just one facet of a broader strategy. Effectively addressing this complex issue necessitates a multifaceted approach that takes into account diverse factors contributing to unhealthy eating habits.

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