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More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think that the government should increase the price of fattening foods to address this issue. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think that the government should increase the price of fattening foods to address this issue. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

In light of the increasing obesity rate, there have been calls for levying higher prices on fattening foods. In this essay, however, I will challenge this proposal.

Granted, proponents of raising fattening food prices might argue that it could discourage regular consumption of food of this kind, while simultaneously incentivizing the shift towards healthier alternatives like wholesome food. The implication of this would be a reduced number of individuals having overweight problems. However, this perspective overlooks the busy nature of the modern world that makes such fattening foods as fast food an unavoidable option, especially for those with hectic schedules. This means even if this kind of food were made more expensive, many people would still choose it for its convenience. That being the case, the problem of obesity would remain unsolved.

The argument against increasing the cost of fattening foods is further fortified by the social problems it could cause. In fact, such foods as fast food are cheaper compared to healthy ones and thus more suitable for middle- and low-income earners. Therefore, raising the prices of fattening foods alone could give rise to more financial burdens on this group of people, and might further exacerbate the problem of social inequalities on a grander scale.

Rather than interfering with fattening food prices, the government should turn to other measures to tackle the problem of obesity. One such approach would be raising public awareness of the dire health repercussions attached to excessively consuming fattening foods. People, once fully cognizant of these consequences, would be more cautious about their food choices, thereby becoming less vulnerable to obesity. Such a measure should be executed in tandem with providing more subsidies for healthy foods to make them more financially accessible for the general public. This could encourage people to have healthy diets, without having to worry about the price tag of healthy foods.

In conclusion, for the reasons elaborated above, I would doubt the efficacy of adjusting fattening food prices upward in countering the problem of overweight in the general population. Instead of hiking up fattening food prices, the government should ramp up its efforts to educate the public and promote the inclusivity of healthy foods. By doing so, the number of those having overweight problems could be curbed.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In light of the increasing obesity rate, there have been calls for levying higher prices on fattening foods." -> "Given the rising obesity rate, there have been proposals to impose higher taxes on high-calorie foods."
    Explanation: Replacing "In light of" with "Given" enhances formality, and substituting "levying" with "impose higher taxes on" provides a more precise and academically appropriate expression.

  2. "Granted, proponents of raising fattening food prices might argue that it could discourage regular consumption of food of this kind, while simultaneously incentivizing the shift towards healthier alternatives like wholesome food." -> "Admittedly, advocates for increased prices on high-calorie foods might contend that this measure could deter frequent consumption of such items, simultaneously encouraging a transition to healthier alternatives, such as nutritious food."
    Explanation: The term "Granted" is replaced with "Admittedly" for a more formal tone, and "incentivizing" is replaced with "encouraging" for a clearer and more precise expression.

  3. "The implication of this would be a reduced number of individuals having overweight problems." -> "The implication of this would be a decrease in the number of individuals experiencing issues related to overweight."
    Explanation: Replacing "having overweight problems" with "experiencing issues related to overweight" is more formal and conveys the idea with greater precision.

  4. "However, this perspective overlooks the busy nature of the modern world that makes such fattening foods as fast food an unavoidable option, especially for those with hectic schedules." -> "However, this perspective overlooks the demanding nature of the modern world, where high-calorie options like fast food become an inevitable choice, particularly for individuals with busy schedules."
    Explanation: Replacing "busy" with "demanding," and "an unavoidable option" with "an inevitable choice," contributes to a more formal and accurate expression of the idea.

  5. "That being the case, the problem of obesity would remain unsolved." -> "In light of these considerations, the issue of obesity would persist."
    Explanation: "That being the case" is replaced with "In light of these considerations" for a more formal transition, enhancing the coherence of the paragraph.

  6. "The argument against increasing the cost of fattening foods is further fortified by the social problems it could cause." -> "The case against raising the cost of high-calorie foods is additionally bolstered by the potential social issues it might engender."
    Explanation: "Fortified" is replaced with "bolstered" for a more formal synonym, and "it could cause" is replaced with "it might engender" for precision.

  7. "Therefore, raising the prices of fattening foods alone could give rise to more financial burdens on this group of people, and might further exacerbate the problem of social inequalities on a grander scale." -> "Consequently, solely increasing the prices of high-calorie foods could impose additional financial burdens on this demographic, potentially exacerbating broader issues of social inequality."
    Explanation: "Therefore" is replaced with "Consequently" for formality, and "give rise to" is replaced with "impose" for a more direct expression.

  8. "Rather than interfering with fattening food prices, the government should turn to other measures to tackle the problem of obesity." -> "Instead of intervening with high-calorie food prices, the government should explore alternative measures to address the issue of obesity."
    Explanation: Replacing "turn to" with "explore" and "tackle" with "address" enhances formality and precision.

  9. "One such approach would be raising public awareness of the dire health repercussions attached to excessively consuming fattening foods." -> "A viable approach entails increasing public awareness of the severe health repercussions associated with the excessive consumption of high-calorie foods."
    Explanation: "One such approach would be" is condensed to "A viable approach entails," and "raising" is replaced with "increasing" for conciseness and formality.

  10. "By doing so, the number of those having overweight problems could be curbed." -> "By taking these steps, the prevalence of individuals experiencing issues related to overweight could be mitigated."
    Explanation: "By doing so" is replaced with "By taking these steps" for formality, and "could be curbed" is replaced with "could be mitigated" for a more precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "Granted, proponents of raising fattening food prices might argue that it could discourage regular consumption of food of this kind, while simultaneously incentivizing the shift towards healthier alternatives like wholesome food. The implication of this would be a reduced number of individuals having overweight problems. However, this perspective overlooks the busy nature of the modern world that makes such fattening foods as fast food an unavoidable option, especially for those with hectic schedules. This means even if this kind of food were made more expensive, many people would still choose it for its convenience. That being the case, the problem of obesity would remain unsolved."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you present a clear counterargument, the development of ideas lacks depth. To strengthen this section, provide specific examples or scenarios that illustrate the challenges faced by individuals with hectic schedules. This could involve drawing from personal experiences or common situations to bolster your point. For instance, you might discuss the prevalence of fast-food chains near workplaces or the time constraints faced by working parents.
    • Improved example: "Granted, proponents of raising fattening food prices argue that it could discourage consumption of such foods, promoting a shift to healthier alternatives. However, this perspective overlooks the busy nature of the modern world. For instance, individuals with demanding schedules often find fast food to be a convenient option due to its accessibility near workplaces. Even if prices rise, the convenience factor may still drive people to choose these options, thereby limiting the impact of increased prices on curbing obesity."
  2. Quoted text: "The argument against increasing the cost of fattening foods is further fortified by the social problems it could cause. In fact, such foods as fast food are cheaper compared to healthy ones and thus more suitable for middle- and low-income earners. Therefore, raising the prices of fattening foods alone could give rise to more financial burdens on this group of people, and might further exacerbate the problem of social inequalities on a grander scale."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you touch upon the social impact, your reasoning could be more nuanced. Consider expanding on the potential consequences of increased prices on different socioeconomic groups. Provide specific examples or scenarios to illustrate how this measure might disproportionately affect middle- and low-income earners. Additionally, suggest alternative approaches the government could take to address social inequalities in the context of obesity.
    • Improved example: "The argument against increasing the cost of fattening foods gains strength when considering its potential social impact. Fast food, being cheaper than healthier options, is often the more viable choice for middle- and low-income earners. Therefore, a price hike on fattening foods might burden these groups further, exacerbating social inequalities. For instance, families on tight budgets may find it challenging to afford healthier alternatives. To address this, the government could explore targeted subsidies on nutritious foods or implement educational programs to empower individuals with budget-friendly yet healthy meal options."
  3. Quoted text: "Rather than interfering with fattening food prices, the government should turn to other measures to tackle the problem of obesity. One such approach would be raising public awareness of the dire health repercussions attached to excessively consuming fattening foods. People, once fully cognizant of these consequences, would be more cautious about their food choices, thereby becoming less vulnerable to obesity. Such a measure should be executed in tandem with providing more subsidies for healthy foods to make them more financially accessible for the general public. This could encourage people to have healthy diets, without having to worry about the price tag of healthy foods."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While your alternative approach is sound, the development of ideas could be more comprehensive. Provide specific examples or strategies for raising public awareness, and elaborate on how subsidies can be effectively implemented to ensure accessibility. Consider incorporating personal anecdotes or hypothetical situations to illustrate the potential impact of these measures on individuals’ behavior.
    • Improved example: "Instead of focusing on adjusting fattening food prices, the government can employ a multifaceted approach to combat obesity. Raising public awareness about the dire health consequences of excessive consumption can be achieved through targeted campaigns, such as incorporating nutritional education in school curricula. Simultaneously, providing subsidies for healthy foods should be strategic, ensuring affordability for all. For instance, implementing a voucher system for low-income families or collaborating with local farmers to make fresh produce more accessible can promote healthier dietary choices. This combined effort would empower individuals with both knowledge and practical means to adopt and maintain a healthier lifestyle, addressing the root causes of obesity."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay displays a clear organizational structure. It progresses logically from introducing the argument against raising prices on fattening foods to providing counterarguments and a concluding perspective. The essay maintains coherence through the use of cohesive devices, linking ideas between paragraphs effectively.

How to improve: To enhance cohesion further, consider reinforcing the connection between ideas within paragraphs by utilizing transitional phrases or words. Additionally, ensuring a more explicit link between counterarguments and the main thesis could strengthen the overall coherence. Focus on refining paragraphing to create a more seamless flow between different points of view.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. While there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and/or word formation, they do not significantly impede communication. The vocabulary is generally varied, and the writer effectively conveys ideas using a mix of common and less common words.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource and move towards a higher band score, the writer should focus on refining word choice and avoiding occasional inaccuracies. This can be achieved through careful proofreading and a more thorough consideration of the suitability of each word in the given context. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of uncommon lexical items and refining their usage could enhance the essay’s overall lexical sophistication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures and a generally accurate use of language. A variety of sentence structures is employed, including complex sentences, contributing to a sense of fluency and flexibility. Most sentences are error-free, showcasing a commendable level of control over grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances of minor errors and awkward constructions, such as in the sentence "Granted, proponents of raising fattening food prices might argue that it could discourage regular consumption of food of this kind…" where the use of "it" is somewhat ambiguous. Additionally, there is a need for better parallelism in the phrase "the government should turn to other measures to tackle the problem of obesity," where the verbs should ideally be consistent (e.g., "the government should turn to other measures to tackle the issue of obesity"). Despite these minor imperfections, the essay maintains overall clarity and coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Pay attention to pronoun clarity. Ensure that pronouns have clear antecedents to avoid ambiguity.
  2. Enhance parallelism in sentence structures for improved readability.
  3. Proofread carefully to catch and rectify minor errors and awkward constructions that may impact overall coherence.

Note: The essay could potentially reach a higher band score with further refinement in grammatical accuracy and precision in language use.

Bài sửa mẫu

Amidst the rising obesity rates, there’s a suggestion to increase the prices of fattening foods. In this essay, I will question this proposal.

Advocates for higher prices on fattening foods argue that it might discourage their regular consumption, promoting a shift towards healthier alternatives. The implication is a reduced number of individuals facing weight issues. However, this perspective overlooks the fast-paced nature of the modern world, where options like fast food are often unavoidable, especially for those with busy schedules. Even if such foods become more expensive, many would still choose them for convenience. In this scenario, the problem of obesity would persist.

The argument against raising the cost of fattening foods gains strength considering the potential social problems it could cause. Fast food, for instance, is cheaper than healthier options, making it more suitable for middle- and low-income earners. Increasing prices could burden this group financially, worsening social inequalities.

Instead of tinkering with fattening food prices, the government should explore other measures to tackle obesity. Raising public awareness about the health consequences of excessive consumption of fattening foods could be one effective approach. People, when fully aware of these consequences, would be more cautious about their food choices, reducing vulnerability to obesity. This measure should go hand-in-hand with providing subsidies for healthy foods, making them more financially accessible. This could encourage people to adopt healthier diets without worrying about the price tag.

In conclusion, considering the reasons outlined above, I doubt the effectiveness of raising fattening food prices to combat the issue of overweight in the general population. Instead of increasing prices, the government should intensify efforts to educate the public and make healthy foods more inclusive. This way, the number of people facing weight problems could be controlled.

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