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More and more people today are spending large amount of money on their COMPLEXIONS in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

More and more people today are spending large amount of money on their COMPLEXIONS in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

Today’ world has witnessed a growing trend of people investing a significant amount of money in enhancing their appearances to appear youthful. The desire to look younger is fueled by abundant opportunities and high paying offers to those considered beautiful. This is a negative development considering its equality and economic implications.
In the past, individuals with attractive features usually enjoyed more difficult advantages. Accordingly, beautiful women received more support than others, leading to fewer chances of experiencing poverty and a higher likelihood of marrying well. In contemporary society, possessing an appealing facial structure make it easier to have opportunities in the competitive jobs market. Consequently, comparing two individuals with similar educational and working backgrounds, the one with an appearance tends to high-paid jobs. This growing preference for physical attractiveness is a concerning trend, especially for those whose characteristics do not align the modern standards
This shift towards valuing appearance has negative consequences both economically and health. In terms of economy, cosmetic procedures have significant and often unnecessary expenses. Patients not only incur costs for the procedures but also medications and post-operative recovery. This financial burden leads to an unpredictable financial strain, pushing some individuals to financial difficulties. From an unequal standpoint, the increase in the number of people has a lesser likelihood of changing their appearance. The reason is that they live under the poverty line, thereby they face challenges in accessing basic necessities or undergoing procedures. Consequently, when applying for new jobs, they face more problems compared with appealing physical appearance. The evidence can be seen in different circumstances, such as the unequal treatments in certain companies in Vietnam.
In summary, the obsession with physical appearance is driven by future opportunities. It is crucial to address these issues and promote a fair society where individuals are not judged solely in physical characteristics.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Today’ world" -> "The contemporary world"
    Explanation: "Today’ world" is informal; replacing it with "The contemporary world" maintains a formal tone suitable for academic writing.

  2. "a growing trend of people investing a significant amount of money" -> "an increasing tendency for individuals to invest substantial amounts of money"
    Explanation: "Growing trend of people investing" is too informal. "Increasing tendency for individuals to invest substantial amounts of money" provides a more formal and precise expression.

  3. "to appear youthful" -> "in pursuit of a youthful appearance"
    Explanation: "To appear youthful" is less formal; "in pursuit of a youthful appearance" enhances formality and clarity.

  4. "This is a negative development considering its equality and economic implications." -> "This trend has negative implications for both equality and the economy."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks precision and formality. The suggested revision clarifies the negative aspects and improves the sentence’s structure.

  5. "more difficult advantages" -> "distinct advantages"
    Explanation: "More difficult advantages" is unclear; replacing it with "distinct advantages" provides a more precise and academically appropriate term.

  6. "beautiful women received more support than others" -> "women deemed attractive received greater societal support"
    Explanation: "Beautiful women received more support than others" is less formal. The suggested alternative is more specific and elevated.

  7. "leading to fewer chances of experiencing poverty" -> "resulting in a decreased likelihood of experiencing poverty"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative enhances formality and provides a more detailed expression.

  8. "make it easier to have opportunities" -> "facilitate access to opportunities"
    Explanation: "Make it easier to have opportunities" is less formal; "facilitate access to opportunities" is a more sophisticated expression.

  9. "comparing two individuals with similar educational and working backgrounds" -> "when comparing individuals with comparable educational and professional backgrounds"
    Explanation: The suggested revision maintains the meaning while using more formal and precise language.

  10. "the one with an appearance tends to high-paid jobs" -> "the one with an attractive appearance tends to secure high-paying positions"
    Explanation: "The one with an appearance tends to high-paid jobs" is awkward and informal; the suggested alternative provides a more formal and precise expression.

  11. "This growing preference for physical attractiveness is a concerning trend" -> "The increasing preference for physical attractiveness raises concerns"
    Explanation: The revised sentence is more concise and maintains a formal tone.

  12. "those whose characteristics do not align the modern standards" -> "individuals whose characteristics do not conform to modern standards"
    Explanation: "Those whose characteristics do not align the modern standards" is grammatically incorrect; the suggested revision corrects the structure and maintains formality.

  13. "This shift towards valuing appearance has negative consequences both economically and health." -> "This shift towards valuing appearance has negative consequences both economically and in terms of health."
    Explanation: The original sentence contains a grammatical error; adding "in terms of" improves clarity and formality.

  14. "cosmetic procedures have significant and often unnecessary expenses." -> "cosmetic procedures entail substantial and often unnecessary expenses."
    Explanation: "Cosmetic procedures have significant and often unnecessary expenses" lacks precision; the suggested revision provides a more formal and precise expression.

  15. "Patients not only incur costs for the procedures but also medications and post-operative recovery." -> "Patients incur costs not only for the procedures but also for medications and post-operative recovery."
    Explanation: The suggested revision corrects the sentence structure for better clarity and formality.

  16. "This financial burden leads to an unpredictable financial strain" -> "This financial burden results in an unpredictable strain on finances."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative improves the sentence’s structure and formality.

  17. "the increase in the number of people has a lesser likelihood of changing their appearance." -> "individuals experiencing an increase in the number have a lower likelihood of altering their appearance."
    Explanation: The original sentence is unclear; the suggested revision provides a more precise expression.

  18. "The reason is that they live under the poverty line, thereby they face challenges in accessing basic necessities or undergoing procedures." -> "This is due to their living below the poverty line, consequently facing challenges in accessing basic necessities or undergoing procedures."
    Explanation: The suggested revision improves clarity and formality by rephrasing the sentence.

  19. "they face more problems compared with appealing physical appearance." -> "they encounter more difficulties compared to individuals with an appealing physical appearance."
    Explanation: The original sentence is awkward; the suggested alternative provides a clearer and more formal expression.

  20. "The evidence can be seen in different circumstances, such as the unequal treatments in certain companies in Vietnam." -> "This is evident in various situations, including unequal treatments observed in certain companies in Vietnam."
    Explanation: The suggested revision enhances clarity and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

  1. Quoted text: "Today’ world has witnessed a growing trend of people investing a significant amount of money in enhancing their appearances to appear youthful."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity regarding your position on the topic. It is crucial to clearly state whether you believe the trend of investing in appearances for a youthful look is positive or negative. Adding a sentence expressing your viewpoint would provide a clear roadmap for your essay.
    • Improved example: "In today’s world, there is a growing trend of people investing significantly in enhancing their appearances to appear youthful. In my opinion, this trend is a negative development due to its implications for equality and the economy."
  2. Quoted text: "This shift towards valuing appearance has negative consequences both economically and health."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you have identified the negative consequences, the explanation lacks depth and specificity. Provide more concrete examples or reasons to support your argument. For instance, you can elaborate on how the economic burden of cosmetic procedures affects individuals or delve into specific health concerns associated with these procedures.
    • Improved example: "This shift towards valuing appearance has negative consequences both economically and health-wise. The significant financial burden of cosmetic procedures, including expenses for surgeries, medications, and post-operative recovery, can lead to financial strain, especially for those living under the poverty line. Additionally, these procedures may pose health risks, such as infections or allergic reactions, further exacerbating the drawbacks."
  3. Quoted text: "The evidence can be seen in different circumstances, such as the unequal treatments in certain companies in Vietnam."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you reference a specific example, the connection to the broader argument is somewhat unclear. Provide a more explicit link between the unequal treatments in companies and the overall negative impact of valuing appearance. This will strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
    • Improved example: "The evidence can be seen in different circumstances, such as the unequal treatments in certain companies in Vietnam. This disparity in opportunities based on appearance underscores the societal challenges individuals face, particularly in job markets, contributing to the negative consequences of the growing emphasis on physical attractiveness."

Overall, the essay has addressed some parts of the task but lacks depth and specificity in supporting ideas. Providing more detailed examples and ensuring a clear stance in the introduction would enhance the overall Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an overall coherence in presenting ideas, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The writer attempts to logically organize information and ideas, maintaining a clear overall progression. However, there are instances where the cohesion within and between sentences appears somewhat mechanical or faulty. The use of cohesive devices is effective, but there are moments of under-/over-use. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically, as some transitions between paragraphs could be smoother.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesion: Ensure a smoother flow between sentences by carefully choosing cohesive devices. Avoid overusing certain connectors, and strive for a more natural progression of ideas.
  2. Paragraphing: Pay closer attention to the logical organization of paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a specific idea, and transitions between paragraphs should be seamless.
  3. Referencing: Be mindful of referencing and substitution to avoid repetitiveness. Use a variety of cohesive devices to enhance clarity and coherence.
  4. Introduction and Conclusion: While the introduction is clear, consider reinforcing the essay’s coherence by providing a stronger concluding statement that summarizes key points.

Overall, the essay exhibits a satisfactory level of coherence and cohesion but could benefit from refining the use of cohesive devices and paragraph organization to elevate the overall structure and flow of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with an attempt to use less common lexical items. There is a generally accurate word choice and collocation, contributing to the fluency and flexibility of the language. The essay effectively conveys precise meanings and exhibits some awareness of style and collocation. There are, however, occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation that slightly impact the overall lexical resource. For instance, there are minor issues such as "Today’" (should be "Today’s") and "make it easier to have opportunities" (awkward phrasing, could be improved). Despite these, the essay maintains coherence and clarity throughout.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource and move towards a higher band score, the writer should focus on refining word choices and ensuring accurate usage of less common vocabulary. Additionally, attention to minor errors in spelling and word formation is crucial. Consider proofreading more meticulously to eliminate these issues and refine phrasing for smoother expressions.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, with a variety of complex structures used throughout. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing control over grammar. However, there are some instances of minor errors and awkward phrasing, such as "Today’ world" (should be "Today’s world"). These errors are occasional and do not significantly hinder communication. The essay effectively employs a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, contributing to a varied and engaging writing style.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, pay attention to minor errors like typos and ensure proper punctuation. Additionally, strive for more precision in expression to avoid awkward phrases. Continue to use a mix of sentence structures but be cautious of sentence fragments or incomplete thoughts. Overall, maintain the current level of complexity while refining language for greater clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

The contemporary world has observed a rising trend where individuals are investing considerable amounts of money to enhance their appearances, aspiring to achieve a more youthful look. The motivation behind this desire is rooted in the plethora of opportunities and lucrative offers available to those perceived as beautiful. However, this inclination towards a more youthful appearance is, in my view, a negative development, primarily due to its implications for equality and the economy.

Historically, individuals endowed with attractive features have often enjoyed certain advantages. Consequently, beautiful women, for example, received more societal support, resulting in reduced chances of experiencing poverty and an increased likelihood of securing a prosperous marriage. In the modern job market, possessing an appealing facial structure can provide a competitive edge, making it easier to secure high-paying jobs. This growing preference for physical attractiveness is a cause for concern, especially for those whose features do not align with contemporary standards.

This shift towards valuing appearance has adverse effects both on the economy and individuals’ well-being. Economically, cosmetic procedures entail significant and often unnecessary expenses. Patients not only bear the costs of the procedures but also the expenditures on medications and post-operative recovery. This financial burden imposes an unpredictable strain, pushing some individuals into financial difficulties. From an equality standpoint, those living below the poverty line have a reduced likelihood of altering their appearance, facing challenges in accessing basic necessities or undergoing cosmetic procedures. Consequently, when seeking employment, they encounter more obstacles compared to those with appealing physical attributes, as evidenced by unequal treatment in certain companies, as observed in Vietnam.

In conclusion, the increasing fixation on physical appearance is driven by aspirations for future opportunities. It is imperative to address these issues and advocate for a fair society where individuals are not solely judged based on their physical characteristics.

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