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More and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

More and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

More and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?
The recent decades have witnessed an unprecedented growth of surgery and supplementary medicines intended for against human’s aging process, creating a concern about the rooted causes of this phenomenon and whether it is beneficial for the entire community or if it may exacerbate individuals’ qualities. This essay will elaborate on the potential contributors of this trend, which primarily derived from people’s occupational demands, together with the reasons why it is unlikely to be a step forward in human society.
Firstly, it is primarily due to individual’s job prospects that they desire a younger look. It is justifiable that the modern world has seen the proliferation of service sectors of all kinds, including hospitality and other civil service. Notably, these positions are known to recruit almost only charismatic and attractive employees, traced that customers potentially form trust and attraction to these good-looking staff, thereby helping businesses to develop customer retention. The perfect illustration can also be witnessed in the film industry, where actors are strictly compelled to maintain a charming appearance, otherwise it would be insurmountable for them to be broadcast on a large scale. Since if they let their ages negatively affect their appearance, this probably become a deterrent for the audience to engage in watching movies played by them, which eventually sabotage the overall appeal or belittle the profit of movies.
Admittedly, a youthful look may bring fulfillment to individuals’ lives in terms of occupation opportunities and personal contentment. However, considering the current public’s over attention to the physical appearance rather than the personal virtues, it is my conviction that this phenomenon may foster the community’s indifference to humankind’s qualities, contributing to overwhelming social problems associated with the severe insufficiency of individuals’ valuable characteristics. Specifically, this can encourage younger generations to prioritise allocating money to their physical looks to embarking on real-time experience or apprenticeship to facilitate personal growth, such as developing interpersonal skills, resilience and adaptability. Furthermore, when overshadow significance is put on physical appearance, it is the smoothly-run society that is not ensured. For example, a country governing system is full with appealing staff but lack of exceptional foresight and innovation to uplift the living standards of their residents may threaten the sustainable development of that nation.
In conclusion, it is certain jobs’ strict requirements related to physical look that incentivise people to invest more on their appearance. Even though it does wonders to individuals’ lives, the escalating over sensitive of the public to a youthful appearance may undermine the valuable qualities of human beings, putting burden on the sustainability and long-term development of the entire society if left unchecked.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "unprecedented growth of surgery and supplementary medicines intended for against human’s aging process" -> "unprecedented growth in cosmetic surgery and supplementary treatments aimed at combating the aging process"
    Explanation: Replacing the phrase "surgery and supplementary medicines intended for against" with "cosmetic surgery and supplementary treatments aimed at combating" provides a clearer and more precise description of the topic in a formal manner.

  2. "creating a concern about the rooted causes of this phenomenon" -> "raising concerns about the underlying causes of this phenomenon"
    Explanation: The suggested replacement enhances the formality of the sentence by using "raising concerns" instead of "creating a concern" and by choosing a more refined expression like "underlying causes."

  3. "or if it may exacerbate individuals’ qualities" -> "or if it may compromise individuals’ intrinsic qualities"
    Explanation: Substituting "exacerbate" with "compromise" and using "intrinsic qualities" instead of simply "qualities" contributes to a more sophisticated and academically appropriate expression.

  4. "which primarily derived from people’s occupational demands" -> "which primarily stems from individuals’ occupational demands"
    Explanation: The replacement improves the sentence’s formality by using "stems from" instead of "derived from" and by referring to "individuals’ occupational demands" instead of "people’s occupational demands."

  5. "It is justifiable that the modern world has seen the proliferation of service sectors of all kinds" -> "It is understandable that the modern world has witnessed the proliferation of various service sectors"
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by replacing "justifiable" with "understandable" and by choosing a more formal expression, "witnessed the proliferation," instead of "seen the proliferation."

  6. "since if they let their ages negatively affect their appearance, this probably become a deterrent" -> "since allowing their age to negatively impact their appearance could potentially act as a deterrent"
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves formality by using more precise language, such as "allowing" instead of "let" and "act as a deterrent" instead of "probably become a deterrent."

  7. "belittle the profit of movies" -> "diminish the profitability of movies"
    Explanation: Substituting "belittle" with "diminish" and rephrasing to "profitability of movies" enhances the formality and precision of the expression.

  8. "Admittedly, a youthful look may bring fulfillment to individuals’ lives" -> "Granted, a youthful appearance may bring fulfillment to individuals"
    Explanation: The replacement uses a more formal transition ("Granted") and simplifies the sentence for clarity without losing the original meaning.

  9. "over attention to the physical appearance" -> "excessive focus on physical appearance"
    Explanation: The suggested change replaces the informal term "over attention" with the more formal "excessive focus" to maintain academic tone.

  10. "may foster the community’s indifference to humankind’s qualities" -> "may foster societal indifference to human qualities"
    Explanation: The replacement improves formality by using "societal" instead of "community’s" and streamlines the expression of indifference to human qualities.

  11. "contributing to overwhelming social problems associated with the severe insufficiency of individuals’ valuable characteristics" -> "contributing to significant societal issues linked to a notable lack of valuable individual characteristics"
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by using more precise language and avoiding redundancies.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "The recent decades have witnessed an unprecedented growth of surgery and supplementary medicines intended for against human’s aging process, creating a concern about the rooted causes of this phenomenon and whether it is beneficial for the entire community or if it may exacerbate individuals’ qualities."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting the writer’s position on whether the trend of spending on one’s complexion is positive or negative. It’s essential to explicitly state the standpoint in the introduction for better coherence. Additionally, the sentence structure is complex and could be simplified for better readability.
    • Improved example: "In recent decades, there has been a significant rise in the use of surgeries and supplementary treatments aimed at combating the aging process. This trend raises concerns about its impact on the community and whether it enhances or diminishes individuals’ qualities. In this essay, I will explore the reasons behind this phenomenon and discuss its implications."
  2. Quoted text: "Since if they let their ages negatively affect their appearance, this probably become a deterrent for the audience to engage in watching movies played by them, which eventually sabotage the overall appeal or belittle the profit of movies."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The sentence structure is convoluted, affecting the clarity of the argument. To enhance coherence, break down complex sentences into simpler ones. Additionally, provide more concrete examples or evidence to support the claim about the negative impact on the appeal and profitability of movies.
    • Improved example: "If actors allow their age to negatively impact their appearance, it could deter audiences from watching their movies, ultimately undermining the overall appeal and diminishing the profits. For instance, audiences may be less likely to connect with characters portrayed by visibly aging actors."
  3. Quoted text: "Admittedly, a youthful look may bring fulfillment to individuals’ lives in terms of occupation opportunities and personal contentment. However, considering the current public’s over attention to the physical appearance rather than the personal virtues, it is my conviction that this phenomenon may foster the community’s indifference to humankind’s qualities, contributing to overwhelming social problems associated with the severe insufficiency of individuals’ valuable characteristics."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The argument is well-developed, but the connection between a youthful look and the community’s indifference to human qualities needs more explicit elaboration. Provide specific examples or scenarios to illustrate how the focus on physical appearance may lead to social problems. This will strengthen the persuasiveness of the argument.
    • Improved example: "While a youthful look can enhance job prospects and personal satisfaction, the disproportionate emphasis on physical appearance over virtues may lead to societal indifference towards essential human qualities. For instance, if individuals prioritize appearance over developing interpersonal skills, society may face challenges related to a lack of empathy and effective communication."

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the task but could benefit from clearer positioning in the introduction, simplifying sentence structures for better readability, and providing more specific examples to support key arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay displays a clear structure with logical progression. It begins by addressing the reasons behind the desire for a younger appearance due to job prospects and societal demands. Each paragraph maintains a central focus and presents related arguments coherently. There’s a solid attempt to use cohesive devices to link ideas, contributing to the overall flow of the essay.

How to improve:
To elevate the coherence and cohesion further, focus on smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Ensuring a more consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay will strengthen the connections between ideas. Additionally, refining paragraphing by structuring ideas more precisely can enhance the overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
This essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. It uses a mix of vocabulary items, showcasing an attempt at less common vocabulary, although there are instances of inaccuracy and some imprecise word choices. The essay occasionally employs varied expressions and phrases but lacks consistency in sophisticated lexical features. Spelling and word formation errors are present, yet they do not significantly impede the overall communication.

The essay’s language proficiency allows for conveying the intended message effectively but lacks the refinement and precision expected in higher bands. There’s an attempt to present diverse vocabulary, but errors and inaccuracies are noticeable, affecting the fluency and sophistication of expression.

How to Improve:

  1. Vocabulary Precision: Work on incorporating a wider variety of precise and contextually fitting vocabulary, aiming for more sophisticated expressions without sacrificing accuracy.
  2. Error Correction: Pay close attention to spelling and word formation, striving for greater accuracy to enhance the overall quality of expression.
  3. Consistency in Usage: Ensure consistent use of less common vocabulary items, maintaining accuracy and relevance throughout the essay to elevate lexical resource.

Enhancing vocabulary precision and refining accuracy in word choice and formation will elevate the lexical resource, enabling a more sophisticated and refined expression, potentially aiming for a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures, using a variety of complex sentences. There are frequent error-free sentences, showcasing a solid control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some errors present, including minor grammatical issues and awkward phrasing. These errors, while noticeable, do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively conveys ideas and maintains coherence.

How to improve: To elevate the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures for smoother flow and precision. Paying careful attention to word choices and avoiding minor errors will enhance the overall grammatical quality of the essay. Additionally, proofreading for coherence and clarity can further improve the grammatical range and accuracy in the next writing task.

Bài sửa mẫu

The trend of people investing heavily in procedures and products to appear younger has become more prevalent in recent times. What drives this desire to look younger, and is this inclination a positive or negative development?

There has been a significant surge in cosmetic surgeries and related treatments aimed at combatting the aging process. This has led to concerns about the reasons behind this surge and whether it benefits society or compromises individuals’ intrinsic qualities. This essay will explore the factors contributing to this trend, largely stemming from occupational demands, and why it might not necessarily be a positive evolution for humanity.

Primarily, the urge for a younger appearance is closely linked to one’s career prospects. In today’s world, various service sectors, including hospitality and civil services, heavily favor charismatic and attractive individuals. Studies suggest that customers tend to trust and connect more with visually appealing staff, leading to enhanced customer retention. Similarly, the entertainment industry demands actors to maintain a certain youthful look, as audiences might be deterred if they perceive aging as negatively impacting an actor’s appearance, potentially affecting movie profits.

While a youthful appearance can offer personal fulfillment and better job opportunities, the excessive focus on physical attractiveness rather than personal virtues is concerning. This emphasis might lead to societal indifference towards essential human qualities, exacerbating social issues stemming from the lack of valuable individual characteristics. This could influence younger generations to prioritize investing in their physical appearance over gaining real-life experiences or skills crucial for personal growth, such as interpersonal skills and adaptability. Furthermore, an overemphasis on physical appearance might hinder societal progress. For instance, a government staffed with attractive individuals but lacking vision and innovation may impede a nation’s sustainable development.

In summary, the strict demands of certain jobs propel individuals to invest more in their appearance. While this pursuit might improve individual lives, the growing societal fixation on a youthful appearance risks undermining the invaluable qualities inherent in human beings. This, if not addressed, could pose challenges to the sustainability and long-term development of society as a whole.

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