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More and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

More and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to look younger.
Why do people want to look younger?
Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

In recent years, there has been a notable trend of individuals shelling out significant sums of money on their skin to appear younger. This phenomenon raises questions about why people are so intent on looking younger and whether this is a positive or negative progression. In my opinion, while this trend has its advantages, it also carries some detrimental consequences.

On the one hand, the desire to retain a youthful appearance can be attributed to societal pressures. In our modern society, beauty has frequently been equated with youth. This perception is often propagated by the media, which typically portrays young models and celebrities as the epitome of attractiveness. Consequently, many individuals feel compelled to invest heavily in their complexions, striving to emulate these unrealistic beauty standards. From this perspective, the trend is negative as it perpetuates an unhealthy obsession with youth and can lead to low self-esteem.

Moreover, the beauty industry has a significant role in instigating this trend. Companies in this sector capitalize on people's fear of ageing by promoting products and treatments that promise to combat signs of ageing, such as anti-ageing creams and cosmetic procedures like Botox and fillers. While this can boost the economy, it also results in unnecessary expenses and can potentially pose health risks, making it a negative progression.

On the other hand, seeking to look younger can have positive effects on an individual's self-confidence and happiness. Some people believe that maintaining a youthful appearance can enhance their self-esteem, making them more confident in both personal and professional situations. If the pursuit of a younger look genuinely contributes to an individual's self-esteem and overall satisfaction with life, this could be seen as a positive development.

Additionally, the technological advancements in skincare treatments provide more options for individuals to care for their skin. Innovations in laser treatments and dermal fillers have made these procedures safer and more effective, encouraging more people to invest in these treatments to maintain their youth. From this aspect, the trend can be seen as a positive progression as it benefits skin health.

In conclusion, while the increasing expenditure on maintaining a youthful complexion has its drawbacks, primarily in fostering unrealistic beauty standards and unnecessary spending, it also offers some benefits, such as boosting self-esteem and promoting skin health. It is crucial to strike a balance and promote healthy and realistic beauty ideals in society.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "shelling out significant sums of money" -> "investing substantial amounts of capital"
    Explanation: Replacing the colloquial expression "shelling out significant sums of money" with "investing substantial amounts of capital" aligns with a more formal tone, enhancing the academic style of the sentence.

  2. "This phenomenon raises questions" -> "This trend prompts inquiries"
    Explanation: Substituting "raises questions" with "prompts inquiries" introduces a more precise and academic phrasing, contributing to the formality of the statement.

  3. "why people are so intent on looking younger" -> "the motivation behind individuals’ pursuit of a more youthful appearance"
    Explanation: The replacement provides a more comprehensive and formal expression, avoiding the informality of "why people are so intent on looking younger."

  4. "On the one hand" -> "From one perspective"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative, "From one perspective," is a more formal transition, fitting better within an academic context.

  5. "Consequently, many individuals feel compelled" -> "As a result, numerous individuals feel obligated"
    Explanation: The substitution of "Consequently" with "As a result" and "compelled" with "obligated" contributes to a more formal and precise articulation.

  6. "epitome of attractiveness" -> "paragon of attractiveness"
    Explanation: The replacement of "epitome" with "paragon" adds a touch of formality and sophistication to the description of attractiveness.

  7. "striving to emulate these unrealistic beauty standards" -> "endeavoring to replicate these unattainable beauty norms"
    Explanation: The alternative phrase enhances the academic tone by substituting "striving to emulate" with "endeavoring to replicate" and "unrealistic" with "unattainable."

  8. "the trend is negative" -> "this trend has detrimental implications"
    Explanation: Replacing "the trend is negative" with "this trend has detrimental implications" provides a more nuanced and academically appropriate expression.

  9. "instigating this trend" -> "fueling this phenomenon"
    Explanation: The replacement of "instigating this trend" with "fueling this phenomenon" offers a more sophisticated and precise description of the beauty industry’s role.

  10. "capitalizing on people’s fear of ageing" -> "exploiting individuals’ apprehension towards aging"
    Explanation: Substituting "capitalizing on people’s fear of aging" with "exploiting individuals’ apprehension towards aging" maintains formality and precision.

  11. "unnecessary expenses" -> "superfluous expenditures"
    Explanation: The replacement of "unnecessary expenses" with "superfluous expenditures" aligns with a more formal and refined vocabulary.

  12. "positive effects" -> "beneficial impacts"
    Explanation: The phrase "beneficial impacts" is a more formal and precise alternative to "positive effects."

  13. "technological advancements" -> "technological innovations"
    Explanation: Replacing "technological advancements" with "technological innovations" enhances the formality and specificity of the sentence.

  14. "more options for individuals to care for their skin" -> "a broader array of choices for individuals to nurture their skin"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more formal and elaborate expression without sacrificing clarity.

  15. "From this aspect" -> "In this regard"
    Explanation: The replacement of "From this aspect" with "In this regard" contributes to a more formal and sophisticated transition between ideas.

  16. "while the increasing expenditure" -> "although the growing investment"
    Explanation: Substituting "while the increasing expenditure" with "although the growing investment" maintains formality and precision in conveying the idea.

  17. "primarily in fostering" -> "chiefly in fostering"
    Explanation: The replacement of "primarily" with "chiefly" adds a level of formality and precision to the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "In my opinion, while this trend has its advantages, it also carries some detrimental consequences."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction successfully presents your viewpoint on the topic, but it lacks a clear roadmap outlining the main points you will discuss in the essay. Consider briefly summarizing the positive and negative aspects you intend to explore, providing readers with a preview of your argument’s structure.
    • Improved example: "In my opinion, while this trend has its advantages, such as boosting self-esteem, it also carries some detrimental consequences, such as perpetuating unrealistic beauty standards. In this essay, I will delve into both the positive and negative aspects of the increasing expenditure on maintaining a youthful complexion."
  2. Quoted text: "From this perspective, the trend is negative as it perpetuates an unhealthy obsession with youth and can lead to low self-esteem."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about societal pressures and the negative impact on self-esteem is valid, but it lacks specific examples or personal experiences to illustrate the concept. Consider providing a real-life example or a personal anecdote to strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
    • Improved example: "From this perspective, the trend is negative as it perpetuates an unhealthy obsession with youth. For instance, a study conducted by [Author] revealed that individuals exposed to constant images of youthful beauty in the media tend to develop lower self-esteem, succumbing to societal pressures."
  3. Quoted text: "Companies in this sector capitalize on people’s fear of ageing by promoting products and treatments that promise to combat signs of ageing, such as anti-ageing creams and cosmetic procedures like Botox and fillers."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you touch upon the role of the beauty industry, the argument lacks depth and examples. To strengthen this point, provide specific instances of misleading advertisements or unethical practices by beauty companies to emphasize the negative impact on consumers.
    • Improved example: "Companies in this sector capitalize on people’s fear of aging by employing deceptive advertising practices. For instance, some beauty brands exaggerate the effectiveness of their anti-aging products, leading consumers to invest in expensive treatments that often fall short of the promised results."
  4. Quoted text: "If the pursuit of a younger look genuinely contributes to an individual’s self-esteem and overall satisfaction with life, this could be seen as a positive development."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you acknowledge the positive impact on self-esteem, the argument lacks specific examples or scenarios where the pursuit of a younger look has genuinely improved an individual’s life. Incorporate a personal experience or a hypothetical scenario to make your argument more compelling.
    • Improved example: "If the pursuit of a younger look genuinely contributes to an individual’s self-esteem and overall satisfaction with life, as seen in the case of my friend who gained confidence after addressing skin concerns, this could be seen as a positive development."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic, but enhancing the depth of your arguments with specific examples and personal experiences would strengthen your response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout. The introduction effectively introduces the topic and the writer’s opinion. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. The use of cohesive devices, such as transitions and pronoun references, is generally appropriate, contributing to the overall flow of the essay. The essay also maintains a clear central topic within each paragraph, supporting the logical organization of ideas.

However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices could be improved. Some transitions between ideas may be smoother, and a more varied range of cohesive devices could enhance coherence further. Additionally, the conclusion, while summarizing the main points, could be strengthened by reinforcing the overall argument and leaving a lasting impression on the reader.

How to improve:

  1. Strengthen the use of cohesive devices: Ensure a more seamless connection between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.
  2. Diversify cohesive devices: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices to add variety and sophistication to the writing.
  3. Enhance the conclusion: Summarize the main points concisely and reinforce the overall argument for a more impactful conclusion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expressing ideas. The writer effectively uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. Occasional errors in word choice and collocation are present, but they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing a balanced discussion of both positive and negative aspects of the trend.
How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more varied and nuanced vocabulary throughout the essay. Pay attention to word choice and ensure precise collocation to minimize occasional errors. Proofreading can help eliminate minor inaccuracies in spelling and word formation, contributing to a more polished piece.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammatical structures. There is a good variety of sentence structures, including complex ones, which aligns with the Band 7 descriptor. The majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to effective communication. However, some minor errors and imprecisions are present, although they do not significantly impede understanding. Punctuation and grammar are generally well-controlled, but occasional errors slightly hinder the overall fluency.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, pay closer attention to the use of articles and prepositions. Additionally, strive for more precise word choices to avoid any ambiguity. A thorough proofreading can help eliminate the remaining minor errors and ensure the essay meets the Band 8 criteria for full flexibility and accuracy with only very occasional errors or inappropriacies.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, a noticeable trend has emerged where individuals are spending considerable amounts of money on their skin with the aim of appearing younger. This raises questions about why people are so keen on looking younger and whether this trend is positive or negative. In my view, while this trend has its advantages, it also comes with some disadvantages.

On one hand, the desire to maintain a youthful appearance can be attributed to societal pressures. In our modern society, beauty is often linked to youth. This perception is frequently reinforced by the media, which tends to portray young models and celebrities as the epitome of attractiveness. Consequently, many individuals feel compelled to invest heavily in their complexions, aiming to mirror these unrealistic beauty standards. From this perspective, the trend is negative as it perpetuates an unhealthy obsession with youth and can lead to low self-esteem.

Furthermore, the beauty industry plays a significant role in driving this trend. Companies in this sector capitalize on people’s fear of aging by promoting products and treatments that claim to combat signs of aging, such as anti-aging creams and cosmetic procedures like Botox and fillers. While this can stimulate economic growth, it also results in unnecessary expenses and can potentially pose health risks, making it a negative progression.

On the other hand, the pursuit of a younger look can positively impact an individual’s self-confidence and happiness. Some people believe that maintaining a youthful appearance can enhance their self-esteem, making them more confident in both personal and professional situations. If the quest for a younger look genuinely contributes to an individual’s self-esteem and overall satisfaction with life, this could be seen as a positive development.

Additionally, technological advancements in skincare treatments provide more options for individuals to care for their skin. Innovations in laser treatments and dermal fillers have made these procedures safer and more effective, encouraging more people to invest in these treatments to maintain their youth. From this aspect, the trend can be seen as a positive progression as it benefits skin health.

In conclusion, while the increasing expenditure on maintaining a youthful complexion has its drawbacks, primarily in fostering unrealistic beauty standards and unnecessary spending, it also offers some benefits, such as boosting self-esteem and promoting skin health. It is crucial to strike a balance and promote healthy and realistic beauty ideals in society.

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