More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger.
Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, people are concerned about their age and appearance so they want to look younger. Some people advocate this trend due to societal pressures such as receiving a good job when they look attractive. While I accept that there are many benefits of this trend, I believe that these positive effects are totally outweighed by the negative ones.
On the one hand, I understand why some people desire how to combat the effects of the aging process. Firstly, it is true that most people tend to look less attractive as they age. Skin, gray hair and other signs of aging can be seen as undesirable and it might negatively impact one’s self-esteem. In fact, a few kinds of jobs such as flight attendant, artist, receptionist, who could influence their income due to the onset of aging signs means their appearance is deteriorating. Moreover, they are increasingly developed in the beauty industry because they have been exploiting people’s concern to provide these services like skincare or interventions like surgery. They seem to exaggerate the effectiveness of cosmetic products or procedures because of the huge benefit from their services or products.
On the other hand, I understand that investing in one’s appearance or complexion could be positive activities, likely reflecting self-care and self-love or their profession. However, I am of the belief that this trend should be done in moderation because this trend toward excessive spending on appearance can bring many problems. Firstly, many cosmetic products and procedures are expensive but they are ineffective and can lead to disappointment and frustration. In addition, there are several side effects to these treatments and people who undergo these procedures often suffer from various skin allergies that could lead to cancer. Therefore, it does not seem worth it to put one’s life at risk to look physically attractive.

In conclusion, although some people devote both money and time into beauty services to maintain a youthful appearance, it boosts confidence. Although I agree that this trend brings more benefits, I am of the belief that this trend has to face many challenges, likely health damages and disappointment when they spend on services or products that are different from their expectation.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Nowadays" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."

2. "people are concerned about their age and appearance so they want to look younger" -> "individuals are concerned about their age and appearance, leading them to seek to appear younger"
   Explanation: The revised phrase clarifies the causal relationship between concern and action, using "leading them to seek to appear younger" instead of the more casual "so they want to look younger."

3. "Some people advocate this trend" -> "Some individuals support this trend"
   Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "support" is a more precise verb than "advocate" in this context, which typically implies advocacy in a more formal or public sense.

4. "totally outweighed" -> "completely outweighed"
   Explanation: "Completely" is a more formal synonym for "totally," enhancing the academic tone of the essay.

5. "desire how to combat" -> "seek ways to combat"
   Explanation: "Seek ways to combat" is a more natural and precise expression than "desire how to combat," which is awkward and unclear.

6. "most people tend to look less attractive" -> "many individuals tend to appear less attractive"
   Explanation: "Many individuals" is more specific and formal than "most people," and "appear" is a more appropriate verb than "look" in this context, which is more commonly used to describe visual perception.

7. "a few kinds of jobs" -> "certain occupations"
   Explanation: "Certain occupations" is more formal and precise than "a few kinds of jobs," which is vague and informal.

8. "who could influence their income due to the onset of aging signs means their appearance is deteriorating" -> "whose income may be influenced by the onset of aging signs, as their appearance deteriorates"
   Explanation: This revision clarifies the relationship between aging signs and income, and uses "may be influenced" for a more tentative and formal tone.

9. "they are increasingly developed in the beauty industry" -> "the beauty industry has become increasingly prominent"
   Explanation: "The beauty industry has become increasingly prominent" is a more formal and precise way to describe the growth of the industry.

10. "they have been exploiting people’s concern" -> "they capitalize on people’s concerns"
    Explanation: "Capitalize on" is a more precise and formal term than "exploiting," which can carry negative connotations.

11. "they seem to exaggerate" -> "they often exaggerate"
    Explanation: "Often" is more specific and less subjective than "seem to," which implies a personal opinion rather than a factual observation.

12. "this trend should be done in moderation" -> "this trend should be pursued in moderation"
    Explanation: "Pursued" is a more formal and precise verb than "done" in this context, indicating the active engagement with the trend.

13. "boosts confidence" -> "enhances confidence"
    Explanation: "Enhances" is a more formal synonym for "boosts," fitting better in an academic context.

14. "it boosts confidence" -> "it enhances confidence"
    Explanation: Consistency in verb choice maintains formality and clarity throughout the essay.

15. "it has to face many challenges" -> "it faces numerous challenges"
    Explanation: "Faces numerous challenges" is a more direct and formal expression than "has to face many challenges," which is somewhat awkward and informal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing why people want to look younger and evaluating whether this trend is positive or negative. The first part is covered through the discussion of societal pressures and the impact of aging on self-esteem. The second part is approached by presenting the author’s belief that the negative aspects outweigh the positives. However, the exploration of the reasons behind the desire to look younger could be more comprehensive, as it primarily focuses on societal pressures without delving into personal motivations or cultural factors.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include a broader range of reasons for the desire to look younger, such as cultural influences, psychological factors, or the role of social media in shaping beauty standards. This would provide a more rounded answer to the first part of the question.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the negative aspects of the trend outweigh the positives. This is evident in the structure, where the author acknowledges the benefits but ultimately argues against excessive spending on beauty. However, the phrasing in some parts, such as "I accept that there are many benefits," could create ambiguity regarding the author’s stance.
  • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, the author could use more definitive language when stating their position. Phrases like "I firmly believe" or "It is my strong opinion" would reinforce the author’s viewpoint. Additionally, summarizing the position more explicitly in the conclusion could help reinforce the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the reasons for wanting to look younger and the potential drawbacks of this trend. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat uneven. For instance, while the discussion of societal pressures is relevant, the explanation of the negative consequences could be more detailed, particularly regarding the potential health risks associated with cosmetic procedures.
  • How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the author should provide more specific examples or statistics to back up claims, such as data on the effectiveness of cosmetic procedures or anecdotal evidence of individuals who have faced negative outcomes. This would lend greater credibility to the arguments presented.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons people want to look younger and the implications of this trend. However, there are moments where the discussion veers slightly off course, such as the mention of specific job roles without a clear connection to the overall argument about the trend’s implications.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the main argument. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that all content is relevant and contributes to the overall thesis. Additionally, avoiding overly specific examples that do not tie back to the central argument could help maintain clarity and relevance.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the author can enhance the clarity, depth, and relevance of their response, potentially raising their score in the Task Response category.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and presents a thesis statement that indicates the writer’s stance. The first body paragraph discusses the reasons why people desire to look younger, while the second body paragraph addresses the potential negative consequences of this trend. However, the logical flow between ideas could be improved. For example, the transition from discussing societal pressures to the beauty industry feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer connection.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas. For instance, after discussing societal pressures, you might say, "This societal pressure is further compounded by the beauty industry, which capitalizes on these insecurities." Additionally, ensuring that each point in the body paragraphs builds on the previous one can create a more cohesive argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, and the writer attempts to develop these ideas with supporting details. However, the second body paragraph could be more focused. It begins with a general statement about self-care but shifts quickly to the negative aspects without a smooth transition.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that reflects the main idea. For example, the second body paragraph could start with a sentence that directly contrasts the benefits of self-care with the potential downsides of excessive spending. This would help maintain focus and clarity throughout the paragraph.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," to present contrasting views. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are moments where the connections between sentences and ideas feel weak. For instance, phrases like "in addition" and "moreover" are used, but their effectiveness is diminished due to the lack of variety and sometimes unclear antecedents.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "consequently," or "in contrast." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device clearly connects to the preceding idea. For example, when introducing a new point, explicitly reference the previous point to clarify how they relate to each other.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, there are areas for improvement in logical organization, paragraph focus, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By implementing these suggestions, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of beauty and aging. Phrases such as "societal pressures," "self-esteem," "cosmetic products," and "self-care" indicate a solid grasp of topic-specific vocabulary. However, there are instances where vocabulary choices are somewhat repetitive or lack variation, such as the repeated use of "trend" and "appearance."
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "trend," alternatives like "phenomenon," "movement," or "tendency" could be used. Additionally, exploring more nuanced terms related to beauty and aging, such as "aesthetic," "youthfulness," or "dermatological," would enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, but there are also instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "I understand why some people desire how to combat the effects of the aging process" is awkward and unclear. The use of "desire how to combat" could lead to confusion about the intended meaning. Additionally, the phrase "who could influence their income due to the onset of aging signs means their appearance is deteriorating" is convoluted and lacks clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. Rephrasing the problematic sentences for better clarity would be beneficial. For instance, "I understand why some people want to combat the effects of aging" is clearer. Furthermore, ensuring that phrases are structured logically will enhance overall comprehension.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling accuracy, with no major spelling errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "who could influence their income due to the onset of aging signs means their appearance is deteriorating," which could be clearer if rephrased. The phrase "increasingly developed in the beauty industry" could also be misinterpreted, suggesting a need for better word choice rather than spelling errors.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling and overall clarity, the writer should engage in regular practice of writing and proofreading. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar checking software can help catch minor errors. Additionally, reading widely can expose the writer to correct spelling and usage in context, reinforcing their understanding of proper vocabulary application.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of lexical resource with a score of 7, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy through careful proofreading, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively introduces contrasting ideas, which adds clarity to the argument. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For instance, the sentence "Skin, gray hair and other signs of aging can be seen as undesirable and it might negatively impact one’s self-esteem" could be restructured for better flow and complexity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "Some people advocate this trend due to societal pressures," you could say "Some people advocate this trend because they believe that societal pressures, such as the expectation to look attractive for job opportunities, significantly influence their self-worth." Additionally, varying the use of passive and active voice can also contribute to a more dynamic writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several areas where errors occur. For instance, the phrase "who could influence their income due to the onset of aging signs means their appearance is deteriorating" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent; for example, "Firstly, many cosmetic products and procedures are expensive but they are ineffective" could benefit from a comma before "but" to separate the two independent clauses.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for sentence clarity and structure. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that clauses are properly connected. For punctuation, practice using commas to separate independent clauses and to clarify lists. A thorough review of common grammatical rules, such as the correct use of conjunctions and the placement of modifiers, will also be beneficial. Consider revising sentences for clarity, such as changing "I understand that investing in one’s appearance or complexion could be positive activities" to "I understand that investing in one’s appearance or complexion can be a positive activity."

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, individuals are concerned about their age and appearance, leading them to seek to appear younger. Some individuals support this trend due to societal pressures, such as receiving a good job when they look attractive. While I accept that there are many benefits to this trend, I believe that these positive effects are completely outweighed by the negative ones.

On the one hand, I understand why some people seek ways to combat the effects of the aging process. Firstly, it is true that most individuals tend to appear less attractive as they age. Skin changes, gray hair, and other signs of aging can be seen as undesirable, and they might negatively impact one’s self-esteem. In fact, certain occupations, such as flight attendants, artists, and receptionists, whose income may be influenced by the onset of aging signs, can find their appearance deteriorating. Moreover, the beauty industry has become increasingly prominent because they capitalize on people’s concerns to provide services like skincare or interventions like surgery. They often exaggerate the effectiveness of cosmetic products or procedures due to the huge benefits they gain from their services or products.

On the other hand, I understand that investing in one’s appearance or complexion could be positive activities, likely reflecting self-care and self-love or their profession. However, I believe that this trend should be pursued in moderation because excessive spending on appearance can bring many problems. Firstly, many cosmetic products and procedures are expensive but ineffective, leading to disappointment and frustration. In addition, there are several side effects to these treatments, and individuals who undergo these procedures often suffer from various skin allergies that could lead to serious health issues. Therefore, it does not seem worth it to put one’s life at risk to look physically attractive.

In conclusion, although some people devote both money and time to beauty services to maintain a youthful appearance, it enhances confidence. While I agree that this trend brings more benefits, I believe that it faces numerous challenges, likely health damages and disappointment when they spend on services or products that differ from their expectations.