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More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

It is widespread occurrence that the huge spending of individuals is allocated increasingly on their complexions into being look younger than previous. In my personal stand, I am inclined much more about negative sides than positive sides. This essay will dicuss the advantages and disadvantages in this phenonmenon.
In the one hand, customers decide to consume a lot of money to upgrade their skin to get more implementary in human popential, especially in working. For instance, all most people in entertainment fields and kinds of role model are advanced because of characteristic job. The main reason being more attractive and oppoturnity in their job. Hence, the performance is upgraded and lead to have more income. Finnal, both the quality in their job and living standard also being better in the previous.
In the other hand, the large money is expended for complexions as a result in the unbalance expenditure in daily routine such as living standard, cost of rent house, others fees in daily life. Thus, they get more stress and pressure so it is directly impact into the quality of life. Both performance and expendituring standard are seriouly decreased. Furthermore, the skin is improved which it need knowledge to prevent and take care after the development. If people can not protect their skin, it could be affected by several factors in outside. It leads to the threatening of risk health such as disease relate to complexions.
In conclusion, more and more people spent money to upgrade their skin in order to look younger, it have more drawbacks in outline than benefits and all the arguments are mentioned in this essay.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is widespread occurrence" -> "It is a widespread phenomenon"
    Explanation: Replacing "widespread occurrence" with "widespread phenomenon" improves the formality and accuracy of the expression.

  2. "allocated increasingly on their complexions into being look younger than previous" -> "increasingly allocated to enhancing their complexions to appear younger than before"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative provides a smoother and more precise expression of the idea.

  3. "In my personal stand" -> "In my perspective"
    Explanation: "In my personal stand" is informal; "In my perspective" is a more academically appropriate phrase for introducing one’s viewpoint.

  4. "I am inclined much more about negative sides than positive sides" -> "I am more inclined to consider the drawbacks rather than the benefits"
    Explanation: The revised phrase uses a more formal structure to express the preference for discussing drawbacks over benefits.

  5. "This essay will dicuss" -> "This essay will discuss"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling mistake in "dicuss" to "discuss" ensures proper usage and maintains formality.

  6. "advantages and disadvantages in this phenonmenon" -> "advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon"
    Explanation: Correcting the preposition and replacing "in" with "of" improves the grammatical structure and formality of the sentence.

  7. "In the one hand" -> "On the one hand"
    Explanation: Using "On the one hand" is a more standard and formal way to introduce the first perspective in an essay.

  8. "consume a lot of money" -> "spend a significant amount of money"
    Explanation: Replacing "consume" with "spend" and adding "a significant amount of" enhances the precision and formality of the expression.

  9. "implementary in human popential" -> "instrumental in human potential"
    Explanation: Substituting "implementary" with "instrumental" improves the accuracy and formality of the phrase.

  10. "all most people" -> "almost all people"
    Explanation: Adjusting the word order to "almost all people" is more grammatically correct and maintains formality.

  11. "oppoturnity in their job" -> "opportunity in their job"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling mistake in "oppoturnity" to "opportunity" ensures proper usage and maintains formality.

  12. "Finnal" -> "Finally"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling mistake in "Finnal" to "Finally" ensures proper usage and maintains formality.

  13. "unbalance expenditure" -> "imbalance in expenditure"
    Explanation: Using "imbalance in expenditure" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea.

  14. "living standard, cost of rent house, others fees" -> "living standards, housing costs, and other fees"
    Explanation: Adjusting the phrase to "living standards, housing costs, and other fees" improves the parallel structure and formality.

  15. "expendituring standard" -> "expenditure standards"
    Explanation: Changing "expendituring standard" to "expenditure standards" improves the grammatical structure and formality.

  16. "seriouly decreased" -> "significantly decreased"
    Explanation: Replacing "seriously" with "significantly" enhances the precision and formality of the expression.

  17. "which it need knowledge" -> "which requires knowledge"
    Explanation: Adjusting the phrase to "which requires knowledge" ensures proper grammar and maintains formality.

  18. "in outside" -> "from external factors"
    Explanation: Changing "in outside" to "from external factors" provides a more precise and formal expression of the idea.

  19. "threatening of risk health" -> "posing a risk to health"
    Explanation: Replacing "threatening of risk health" with "posing a risk to health" improves the clarity and formality of the statement.

  20. "disease relate to complexions" -> "diseases related to skin conditions"
    Explanation: Adjusting the phrase to "diseases related to skin conditions" improves precision and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt – why people want to look younger and whether it is a positive or negative development. However, the explanation lacks depth and fails to thoroughly analyze the reasons and consequences.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay should provide more detailed insights into the motivations behind wanting to look younger and delve deeper into the positive and negative implications. Include specific examples and evidence to support the points made.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by expressing a preference for the negative aspects of spending money on looking younger. However, the clarity is somewhat hindered by language issues and lack of coherence.
    • How to improve: Work on improving sentence structure and coherence to enhance clarity. Additionally, restate the position more explicitly in the introduction and conclusion to strengthen the overall stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks development and support. There are instances where concepts are mentioned briefly without sufficient elaboration or examples.
    • How to improve: Extend each idea with more details and provide specific examples to bolster the arguments. This will not only enhance the overall quality of the essay but also provide a more convincing case.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address the topic of spending money on looking younger. However, there are instances where the focus deviates, particularly in the second paragraph, where the discussion shifts to stress and skin care.
    • How to improve: Maintain a sharper focus on the main topic throughout the essay. Avoid introducing new elements that are not directly related to the prompt. Ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the discussion of spending money on looking younger.

In summary, while the essay addresses the key elements of the prompt, it could significantly benefit from a more in-depth analysis, clearer language, and a tighter focus on the central theme. Incorporating specific examples and elaborating on ideas will contribute to a more comprehensive and well-rounded response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 3

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear and logical organization. Ideas are presented in a somewhat haphazard manner, making it challenging for the reader to follow the flow of the argument. There is a need for a more structured approach to presenting information, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
    • How to improve: To enhance the logical organization, start with a strong introduction that introduces the topic and clearly states the stance on the issue. Follow this with well-structured body paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. Finally, provide a concise conclusion that summarizes the main points and restates the stance.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing. There is only one paragraph for the introduction, one for the first main point, one for the second main point, and a brief concluding paragraph. This structure results in a lack of coherence and makes it difficult for the reader to distinguish between different ideas.
    • How to improve: Break the essay into well-organized paragraphs. Start with a clear introduction paragraph, followed by body paragraphs, each focusing on a specific argument. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. This will improve the overall readability and coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks diversity in the use of cohesive devices. While some linking words and phrases are present, their usage is limited, and they do not effectively connect ideas within and between sentences. This impacts the overall flow and cohesion of the essay.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (e.g., furthermore, moreover, however), transitional phrases (e.g., on the other hand, in conclusion), and pronouns to establish clear connections between ideas. Ensure that these devices are used appropriately to enhance the coherence and flow of the essay. Additionally, pay attention to maintaining consistency in the use of tenses and pronouns for smoother transitions.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempt at using varied words. However, there is room for improvement as several words are repetitively used, and certain phrases lack diversity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, strive for more varied synonyms and explore alternative expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "upgrade their skin," consider alternatives like "enhance their complexion" or "improve their skin quality." Additionally, introducing more sophisticated vocabulary related to the topic, such as "cosmetic enhancements" or "dermatological procedures," can elevate the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is inconsistent. While some terms are used accurately, there are instances where word choice could be more precise or contextually fitting. For instance, the phrase "implementary in human popential" lacks clarity.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In the mentioned phrase, consider revising it to "contribute to human potential" for better clarity. Review each sentence for precision, ensuring that words are chosen with precision and align with the context. Utilize specific terms relevant to the discussion of skin care and its impact.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mixture of correct and incorrect spelling. Instances of misspelled words, such as "phenonmenon," "oppoturnity," "Finnal," and "expendituring," contribute to the overall spelling inaccuracies.
    • How to improve: Prioritize proofreading to identify and correct spelling errors. Utilize spell-check tools and take the time to carefully review the essay before submission. Develop a habit of double-checking for common spelling mistakes, and consider seeking feedback from peers to enhance accuracy. Consistent attention to spelling will significantly improve the overall quality of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in terms of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. Emphasizing a more varied and precise choice of words, coupled with meticulous proofreading, will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a limited range of sentence structures. Simple sentence structures dominate, with occasional attempts at compound and complex sentences. There is a lack of sentence variety, hindering the essay’s flow and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences with subordinate clauses and varied sentence lengths. Use a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to create a more engaging and cohesive essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the huge spending," "customers decide"), article use ("the threatening of risk health"), and word choice ("implementary," "oppoturnity"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas and inconsistent capitalization.
    • How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by reviewing and practicing basic grammar rules, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, articles, and word choice. Proofread the essay for punctuation errors, ensuring consistent use of commas and proper capitalization. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct specific issues.

Overall, while the essay communicates its main ideas, the lack of sentence variety and numerous grammatical errors contribute to a score of 4 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy. To improve, the writer should prioritize developing a wider range of sentence structures and refining grammatical skills through practice and careful proofreading.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is a widespread phenomenon that individuals are increasingly allocating a significant portion of their expenditure to enhancing their complexions in order to appear younger than before. In my perspective, I am more inclined to consider the drawbacks rather than the benefits. This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon.

On the one hand, some people choose to spend a significant amount of money on improving their skin to enhance their appearance and increase their opportunities in their jobs. For example, almost all individuals in the entertainment industry and various role models focus on refining their skin due to the demands of their profession. The primary motivation is to become more attractive and seize opportunities in their careers. Consequently, their performance is elevated, leading to increased income. Finally, both their job quality and living standards see improvement.

On the other hand, the large amount of money expended on complexions results in an imbalance in expenditure in daily routines, affecting living standards, housing costs, and other fees. This imbalance introduces stress and pressure, directly impacting the overall quality of life. Both professional performance and expenditure standards are seriously decreased. Additionally, the process of skin enhancement requires knowledge to prevent and care for issues that may arise. Failure to protect the skin poses a risk to health, especially concerning diseases related to skin conditions.

In conclusion, the increasing trend of people spending money to upgrade their skin for a younger appearance has more drawbacks than benefits. This essay has outlined the various arguments supporting this perspective, emphasizing the potential negative impacts on both personal finances and overall well-being.

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