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More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

In contemporary times, many people have large expenditures on complexions. The reason for this is when one looks younger, they will feel more confident as they will be more good-looking. I am convinced that this is a negative trend as this encourages chemicals and surgeries which are detrimental to one’s natural skin.

People often relate being young as good-looking. Therefore, looking younger will grant you more confidence. This is beneficial to those that are still working as they can now make deep impressions with others, which facilitates advancement in working. Another benefit of looking younger is you can easily find a romantic partner. As mentioned, looking younger translates to being more good-looking. This in turn makes you have a greater chance of having a romantic relationship.
I find this trend to be negative. As the aforementioned paragraph says, looking young yields several benefits. However, to achieve such appearance, surgeries and heavy use of chemicals are expected. This constitutes a risk because if something went wrong, the face or skin of the user can be destroyed permanently. The process of being younger in terms of appearance can cost a large amount of money. As seen in the market, a skin product and surgery can easily cost more than a thousand dollars. Furthermore, since the majority of people do not have much experience with beauty applications, companies can publicize off-brand skin products that yield no benefits for the user.
In conclusion, people want to look younger because they want to look more appealing, therefore leading to confidence and a greater chance of finding a romantic relationship. This is a negative trend as this encourages large expenditure on complexions to reach such beauty, which creates a flaw that companies can exploit.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "large expenditures on complexions" -> "significant investments in skincare"
    Explanation: Replacing "large expenditures on complexions" with "significant investments in skincare" conveys the idea more formally and precisely, using the term "skincare" instead of the colloquial "complexions."

  2. "they will feel more confident as they will be more good-looking" -> "they will gain confidence by enhancing their appearance"
    Explanation: Substituting "they will feel more confident as they will be more good-looking" with "they will gain confidence by enhancing their appearance" maintains the meaning while employing a more refined and academically appropriate expression.

  3. "make deep impressions with others" -> "create a lasting impact on others"
    Explanation: Replacing "make deep impressions with others" with "create a lasting impact on others" introduces a more formal and nuanced phrase, enhancing the academic tone.

  4. "facilitates advancement in working" -> "supports career advancement"
    Explanation: Changing "facilitates advancement in working" to "supports career advancement" provides a more precise and formal term, aligning better with academic style.

  5. "more good-looking" -> "more aesthetically pleasing"
    Explanation: Substituting "more good-looking" with "more aesthetically pleasing" introduces a more sophisticated and precise term suitable for academic writing.

  6. "you can easily find a romantic partner" -> "you are more likely to attract a romantic partner"
    Explanation: Replacing "you can easily find a romantic partner" with "you are more likely to attract a romantic partner" maintains clarity while using a more formal expression.

  7. "I find this trend to be negative" -> "I perceive this trend as detrimental"
    Explanation: Changing "I find this trend to be negative" to "I perceive this trend as detrimental" employs a more formal and precise term, enhancing the academic tone.

  8. "yields several benefits" -> "offers various advantages"
    Explanation: Substituting "yields several benefits" with "offers various advantages" introduces a more formal and varied expression, contributing to the academic tone.

  9. "if something went wrong" -> "in case of complications"
    Explanation: Replacing "if something went wrong" with "in case of complications" offers a more formal and specific phrase, enhancing the clarity of the sentence.

  10. "publicize off-brand skin products" -> "promote counterfeit skincare products"
    Explanation: Changing "publicize off-brand skin products" to "promote counterfeit skincare products" uses a more precise term, emphasizing the potential harm of such products in an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing why people want to look younger and presenting a clear stance on whether it is a positive or negative progression. Relevant sections, such as the benefits of looking younger and the associated risks, are cited.
    • How to improve: While the essay adequately covers the prompt, a more nuanced exploration of the positive aspects of looking younger and a deeper analysis of the negative consequences could enhance the overall response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, asserting that the trend of spending on complexions to look younger is a negative one. Examples like the risks of surgeries and chemical use support this stance.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider anticipating and addressing potential counterarguments to demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the benefits of looking younger, such as increased confidence and better chances in the workplace or relationships. However, the development could be more detailed, providing deeper insights and perhaps contrasting perspectives.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on the presented ideas by providing specific examples or anecdotes. Additionally, consider presenting alternative viewpoints to showcase a balanced analysis.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing why people desire to look younger and evaluating the positive and negative aspects. However, there are instances where the connection between looking younger and its consequences is not clearly established.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each point made directly ties back to the main topic of why people want to look younger and whether this trend is positive or negative. Avoid any tangential discussions that do not contribute to the central theme.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates the writer’s perspective. To improve, focus on providing more nuanced arguments, developing ideas with additional details, and ensuring a clear and direct connection to the main topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction introduces the topic, the body paragraphs present supporting points in a clear sequence, and the conclusion summarizes the main ideas. However, some sentences lack clarity, affecting the overall coherence. For instance, the transition from the first to the second paragraph could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, work on improving the transition between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph flows naturally from the preceding one, creating a seamless connection between ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to structure its ideas, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, making it challenging for the reader to follow. For instance, the second paragraph covers both the benefits of looking younger in the workplace and in relationships.
    • How to improve: Focus on maintaining a single, clear idea per paragraph. Break down complex points into separate paragraphs to improve readability and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transitional phrases (e.g., "Therefore," "Furthermore," "In conclusion"). However, some sentences lack smooth connections, affecting the overall flow. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of looking young to the drawbacks could be more seamless.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to sentence-level coherence. Use a range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, transition words, and parallel structures, to create smoother connections between sentences and ideas.

In conclusion, while the essay exhibits a generally logical organization and employs cohesive devices, there is room for improvement in terms of transitions between paragraphs and sentences. Strengthening these aspects will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, albeit with some repetition and limitations. There’s an attempt to use varied words and phrases, but the language remains somewhat basic and lacks sophistication. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "looking younger" and "more good-looking" limits the diversity of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim to incorporate a broader array of synonyms and advanced vocabulary. Instead of repetitive phrases, explore synonyms such as "youthful appearance," "enhanced aesthetic," or "attractive visage." Utilize a thesaurus to discover alternative words and expressions that elevate the language without sacrificing clarity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage tends towards basic and general terms, lacking precision in conveying ideas. Phrases like "make deep impressions," "benefits," and "negative trend" are somewhat vague and lack specificity.
    • How to improve: Focus on precision by using more specific and descriptive vocabulary. For instance, replace general terms like "benefits" with precise descriptors like "advantages," "perks," or "beneficial outcomes." Additionally, instead of the broad term "negative trend," consider employing words like "detrimental pattern," "adverse development," or "regressive inclination" to add depth and precision to your arguments.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no glaring spelling errors observed.
    • How to improve: To maintain this level of accuracy, continue practicing spelling through regular writing exercises and reading diverse materials. Utilize spell-check tools and proofreading techniques to ensure meticulousness in written work.

General Recommendations for Improvement:

  1. Structural Enhancements: Work on structuring the essay more coherently. Develop a clear introduction, body paragraphs with distinct points supported by examples or reasoning, and a conclusive summary.

  2. Sentence Structure and Complexity: Introduce varied sentence structures to enhance the overall quality of writing. Experiment with compound or complex sentences to add depth and sophistication to the essay.

  3. Support with Evidence: Incorporate factual evidence, statistics, or examples to bolster your arguments. This lends credibility and depth to your viewpoints.

  4. Clarity and Precision: Aim for clarity and precision in expressing ideas. Avoid ambiguity by using precise vocabulary and ensuring each point is explicitly articulated.

By incorporating these suggestions, your essay can achieve a higher lexical resource band score by demonstrating a more nuanced and precise use of vocabulary while maintaining accuracy and clarity in communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a mix of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further. For instance, the repeated use of simple sentences may limit the essay’s sophistication.
    • How to improve: Introduce more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences, to enhance the overall fluency and coherence. Varying sentence lengths and structures will contribute to a more engaging and polished essay.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates sound grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors, such as "I am convinced that this is a negative trend as this encourages chemicals and surgeries which are detrimental to one’s natural skin." The phrase "as this encourages" creates a redundancy, and the relative pronoun "which" may lead to ambiguity.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to sentence structure and avoid unnecessary repetition. Consider rephrasing sentences to enhance clarity. Additionally, when using relative pronouns, ensure that the antecedent is clear to avoid ambiguity.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are a few instances that need attention. For example, "looking younger translates to being more good-looking" could benefit from a semicolon or period instead of a comma. Additionally, the phrase "a skin product and surgery" should be separated by a conjunction or a semicolon for clearer punctuation.
    • How to improve: Refine punctuation skills by paying attention to sentence boundaries and the appropriate use of punctuation marks. Review rules for semicolons and commas in compound sentences to ensure accurate placement.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, contributing to a band score of 7. To enhance the score, focus on diversifying sentence structures, eliminating redundancies, and refining punctuation use for greater precision and clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present era, a growing number of individuals are investing heavily in their skin’s appearance. This inclination is rooted in the belief that a youthful appearance fosters enhanced confidence and attractiveness. However, I perceive this trend as unfavorable due to its reliance on chemicals and surgeries that can harm natural skin.

The desire to appear young is often associated with being attractive. Feeling youthful is linked to increased self-assurance, particularly in professional settings where making a strong impression can support career progression. Additionally, a youthful appearance is often perceived as more aesthetically pleasing, potentially increasing one’s chances of finding a romantic partner.

Despite these perceived advantages, I consider this trend detrimental. Achieving a youthful appearance often involves procedures and the extensive use of chemicals, posing risks to one’s natural skin. Complications arising from these methods could result in permanent damage. Moreover, pursuing a younger appearance demands significant financial investments, with skincare products and surgeries often exceeding a thousand dollars. Furthermore, the lack of expertise among consumers makes them susceptible to counterfeit skincare products, amplifying the risks associated with this pursuit.

In summary, the desire to look younger stems from the aspiration for enhanced attractiveness, confidence, and potential romantic opportunities. However, this trend’s reliance on costly procedures and products poses risks that companies may exploit, making it a negative progression.

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