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More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

The trend of individuals spending significant amounts on complexion treatments to appear younger is on the rise. This can be explained by the impacts that a youthful look can have on people’s personal and professional life. However, I consider it as a completely negative development given the consequences on their health and finances.

To begin with, people are willing to pay generously to look younger because of two main reasons. Foremost among these is the fact many equate a younger appearance with increased attractiveness, which possibly allows them to stand a higher chance of starting a romantic relationship or remain physically attractive to their partners. In addition, some individuals who use makeup have reported a boost in confidence at the workplace. These employees not only can become more energetic but also have other crucial qualities such as courage, thereby fostering their work productivity.

In my estimation, this trend is totally disadvantageous. My primary concern is safety as there have been articles reporting on cases where users of cosmetic products experienced various undesirable effects. Some suffered from a multitude of rashes, while others even had their skin tissue damaged, leading to hospitalization. The other justification relates to people’s financial condition. Provided that individuals continue to allocate a substantial amount of money on these cosmetic products, they might fall into debt or lack resources to make important investments for their future.

In conclusion, modern people’s pursuit of an enhancement in physical appearance and confidence can explain their desire for a younger appearance. Personally, I believe this tendency is negative as it is fundamentally detrimental to the physical and financial health of skincare product buyers. That fact is why governments should run nationwide campaigns to educate the public about this alarming issue.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "significant amounts" -> "substantial sums"
    Explanation: Replacing "significant amounts" with "substantial sums" adds a more formal and precise tone, aligning with academic language standards.

  2. "Foremost among these is the fact" -> "Chief among these factors is"
    Explanation: Substituting "Foremost among these is the fact" with "Chief among these factors is" maintains formality and introduces a more sophisticated expression.

  3. "boost in confidence" -> "enhancement of confidence"
    Explanation: Changing "boost in confidence" to "enhancement of confidence" elevates the language to a more academic level while conveying the same meaning.

  4. "work productivity" -> "professional efficacy"
    Explanation: Replacing "work productivity" with "professional efficacy" enhances precision and formality, ensuring a more academic tone.

  5. "In my estimation" -> "In my assessment"
    Explanation: Swapping "In my estimation" with "In my assessment" maintains the author’s point of view while using a more formal term.

  6. "totally disadvantageous" -> "detrimental"
    Explanation: Replacing "totally disadvantageous" with "detrimental" provides a more formal term without sacrificing clarity, enhancing the academic tone.

  7. "multitude of rashes" -> "various dermatological reactions"
    Explanation: Substituting "multitude of rashes" with "various dermatological reactions" conveys a more precise and academic description of the adverse effects.

  8. "continue to allocate" -> "persist in allocating"
    Explanation: Changing "continue to allocate" to "persist in allocating" adds a formal touch and emphasizes the ongoing nature of the allocation.

  9. "fall into debt" -> "incur financial liabilities"
    Explanation: Replacing "fall into debt" with "incur financial liabilities" offers a more precise and formal expression, aligning with academic language standards.

  10. "skincare product buyers" -> "consumers of skincare products"
    Explanation: Substituting "skincare product buyers" with "consumers of skincare products" maintains clarity while using a more formal term in academic writing.

  11. "That fact is why" -> "This circumstance underscores the need for"
    Explanation: Changing "That fact is why" to "This circumstance underscores the need for" provides a more sophisticated and formal transition in the concluding statement.

Note: While some changes may seem subtle, they collectively contribute to a more formal and academically appropriate tone in the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question, discussing reasons why people want to look younger and expressing a clear stance on whether this is a positive or negative trend. However, the coverage is uneven, with more emphasis on the reasons for wanting to look younger rather than a balanced exploration of both aspects.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, strive for a more balanced discussion of both aspects of the question. Allocate sufficient space and attention to examining the positive and negative aspects of the trend.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that considers the trend of spending on complexion treatments to look younger as a negative development. This position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
    • How to improve: While the position is clear, consider providing more nuanced reasoning or additional layers of analysis to strengthen the overall argument. Expanding on the negative consequences would enhance the depth of the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas relevant to the prompt, such as the impact of a youthful look on personal and professional life. However, the ideas are not fully extended, and the support is somewhat limited. For instance, the negative consequences are briefly mentioned without detailed exploration or examples.
    • How to improve: To elevate the score, extend your ideas further by providing more examples, details, or evidence to support your arguments. Elaborate on the negative consequences, linking them back to the main thesis for a more comprehensive discussion.
  • Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic, discussing why people want to look younger and expressing a negative view of this trend. There are no significant deviations from the prompt.
    • How to improve: While the essay stays on topic, consider tightening the focus on each aspect to ensure a more in-depth exploration of the reasons behind the desire to look younger and the negative consequences associated with it.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of task response, addressing the main elements of the prompt. To improve the score, focus on achieving a more balanced coverage of both aspects, providing additional depth to the analysis, and extending ideas with more thorough examples and evidence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization with a clear progression of ideas throughout. The introduction effectively introduces the topic and the author’s stance, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that explore reasons for the trend and the author’s counterargument. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reiterates the author’s viewpoint.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical flow, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph smoothly connects to the preceding and succeeding ones, creating a seamless progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, demonstrating mostly logical sequencing of ideas. Each paragraph is dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are a few instances where the transition between paragraphs could be more seamless.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining the transitions between paragraphs to ensure a smoother flow of ideas. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one point to the next, fostering a more cohesive structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a flexible range of cohesive devices, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. There is evident use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there are occasional inaccuracies or instances where the amount of cohesive devices may be deemed inappropriate.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the accuracy and appropriateness of cohesive devices. Ensure that each cohesive device enhances the overall coherence without introducing confusion. Consider diversifying the types of cohesive devices used to add variety and sophistication to the essay’s structure.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, aligning with the characteristics of Band 7. To further improve, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs for a more seamless flow and carefully assess the accuracy and appropriateness of cohesive devices. This will contribute to an even stronger organizational structure and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good range of vocabulary with varied expressions and terminology used throughout. Phrases like "significant amounts," "equated a younger appearance," "boost in confidence," and "allocate a substantial amount" demonstrate an attempt to vary vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance this further, try incorporating more nuanced vocabulary specific to the topic. For instance, instead of "boost in confidence," consider phrases like "heightened self-assurance" or "augmented self-esteem." Expanding the vocabulary repertoire on the impact of skincare on mental and emotional well-being can elevate the lexical range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear meaning throughout, but there are instances where more precise vocabulary could improve the depth of expression. For instance, phrases like "boost in confidence" and "enhancement in physical appearance" could benefit from more specific terms to elaborate on the emotional and physical aspects in greater detail.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words that distinctly convey the intended meaning. Instead of "boost in confidence," consider "bolstered self-assurance," and rather than "enhancement in physical appearance," opt for "refined external presentation." This would lend a sharper, more exact tone to the discussion.
  • Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates strong spelling accuracy with only occasional errors that minimally impact communication. Minor spelling mistakes, if any, do not detract from the overall coherence and readability.
    • How to improve: Continue maintaining this level of spelling accuracy by proofreading meticulously, focusing particularly on commonly misspelled words or those specific to the essay topic.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a commendable vocabulary range and generally precise language usage, enhancing precision by employing more specific vocabulary tailored to the topic’s nuances could further elevate the lexical resource score. Additionally, the strong spelling accuracy should be sustained through consistent proofreading practices.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, contributing to the fluidity of expression and coherence. There is a good mix of simple and complex sentences, enhancing the overall quality of the writing. For instance, the use of introductory phrases such as "To begin with" and "In addition" adds sophistication to the essay’s structure.
    • How to improve: To further elevate the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences. Experiment with different sentence lengths to create a more dynamic and engaging rhythm.
  • Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with mostly error-free sentences. The occasional minor errors do not significantly impede the reader’s understanding. For instance, the phrase "that fact is why governments" could be revised for better clarity, possibly as "This is why governments."
    • How to improve: Maintain vigilance in proofreading to catch and rectify minor errors. Additionally, consider incorporating a wider range of complex grammatical structures, such as varied clause types, to further showcase grammatical proficiency.
  • Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs well-controlled punctuation. Commas, periods, and other punctuation marks are appropriately used to guide the reader through the text. However, there are instances where sentence structures could benefit from more varied punctuation, such as the incorporation of semicolons or dashes for added emphasis.
    • How to improve: Experiment with different punctuation marks to enhance sentence variety and convey nuanced meanings. Ensure consistency in punctuation usage, especially when dealing with complex sentences, to maintain clarity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and accuracy, with minor areas for improvement. Focus on refining punctuation skills and introducing a more diverse range of sentence structures to elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The inclination of individuals to spend considerable sums on treatments for a more youthful complexion is on the upswing. This surge can be attributed to the significant impact a youthful appearance can have on one’s personal and professional life. However, I perceive this trend as entirely negative, given its repercussions on both health and finances.

Chief among these factors is the prevailing belief that a younger look correlates with heightened attractiveness. This, in turn, may increase one’s chances of initiating romantic relationships or sustaining physical appeal for existing partners. Additionally, individuals who use makeup have reported an enhancement of confidence in the workplace. Such individuals not only exhibit increased energy but also display essential qualities like courage, ultimately fostering productivity.

In my assessment, this trend is distinctly detrimental. My primary concern is safety, considering reported cases where users of cosmetic products faced various dermatological reactions. Some experienced numerous rashes, while others endured skin tissue damage, leading to hospitalization. Another facet of concern relates to financial matters. Persisting in allocating substantial sums for these cosmetic products could result in individuals incurring financial liabilities, hindering their ability to make crucial investments for their future.

In conclusion, the contemporary pursuit of an improved physical appearance and confidence elucidates the desire for a younger look. Nevertheless, I assert that this tendency is negative, fundamentally impacting the physical and financial well-being of consumers of skincare products. This circumstance underscores the need for government-led nationwide campaigns to educate the public about this pressing issue.

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