More and more prisons are bein bult to house the world’s criminals and many people believe long-term imprisonment is the answer to solving the crime problem. However, others feel that medical and psychological assistance is what is required. Do the advantage of this development outweigh the disadvantage.

More and more prisons are bein bult to house the world’s criminals and many people believe long-term imprisonment is the answer to solving the crime problem. However, others feel that medical and psychological assistance is what is required. Do the advantage of this development outweigh the disadvantage.

In this day and age, the rate of crime has the tendency to increase in numerous countries. Hence, many citizens hold the view that long-period imprisonment is an effective way to handle criminals, while others believe that medical and mental assistance are more neccessary. From my perspective, this motion offers both merits and demerits, and needs further discussion.
On the one hand, there are some reasons why long-term incarceration has benefits. Firstly, it will limit the capability of people committing a crime. When they are put in prison and undercontrolled by prison warders, they are unable to come up with hazardous plans. Moreover, mental treatments still have some mistakes in managing, In medical treatmen, doctors connot know whether criminals have mentle-related problems or not. Hence, many criminals are likely to take advantage of weak spots to commit a crime. As a result, doctors would undirectly be criminal’spartner incrime.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In this day and age" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression. "Currently" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

2. "the rate of crime has the tendency to increase" -> "crime rates tend to increase"
   Explanation: "The rate of crime has the tendency to increase" is awkward and verbose. "Crime rates tend to increase" is more concise and direct.

3. "many citizens hold the view" -> "many individuals believe"
   Explanation: "Hold the view" is somewhat informal and vague. "Believe" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

4. "long-period imprisonment" -> "long-term imprisonment"
   Explanation: "Long-period" is not a standard term. "Long-term" is the correct term for describing imprisonment.

5. "more neccessary" -> "more necessary"
   Explanation: "Neccessary" is a typographical error. "Necessary" is the correct spelling.

6. "this motion offers both merits and demerits" -> "this approach presents both advantages and disadvantages"
   Explanation: "This motion" is unclear and informal; "this approach" is more precise and formal. "Advantages and disadvantages" are more commonly used in academic contexts than "merits and demerits."

7. "undercontrolled by prison warders" -> "under the control of prison warders"
   Explanation: "Undercontrolled" is not a standard term. "Under the control of" is the correct phrase.

8. "they are unable to come up with hazardous plans" -> "they are unable to devise dangerous plans"
   Explanation: "Come up with" is informal and vague. "Devise" is more precise and formal.

9. "mental treatments still have some mistakes in managing" -> "mental treatments still have limitations in management"
   Explanation: "Mistakes in managing" is unclear and informal. "Limitations in management" is more precise and formal.

10. "In medical treatmen, doctors connot know" -> "In medical treatment, doctors cannot know"
    Explanation: "Treatmen" is a typographical error. "Cannot" is the correct form of "can not."

11. "mentle-related problems" -> "mental health issues"
    Explanation: "Mentle-related problems" is a typographical error and unclear. "Mental health issues" is the correct term.

12. "would undirectly be criminal’spartner incrime" -> "would inadvertently become accomplices in crime"
    Explanation: "Undirectly" is not a standard term. "Inadvertently become accomplices in crime" is clearer and more appropriate for formal writing.

These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both long-term imprisonment and the need for medical and psychological assistance. However, it fails to fully explore the advantages and disadvantages of these approaches. For instance, while it mentions the benefits of incarceration in limiting criminal activity, it does not adequately discuss the potential drawbacks of long-term imprisonment, such as its impact on rehabilitation or recidivism rates. Additionally, the mention of medical treatment lacks depth and does not clearly articulate the advantages of psychological assistance.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should clearly outline the advantages and disadvantages of both long-term imprisonment and medical assistance. This could involve providing specific examples or statistics that illustrate the effectiveness of psychological treatments versus incarceration, as well as discussing potential negative outcomes of each approach.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat ambiguous position. The phrase "this motion offers both merits and demerits" suggests a balanced view, but it lacks a definitive stance on whether the advantages of long-term imprisonment outweigh the disadvantages. The introduction hints at a discussion but does not culminate in a clear conclusion or position.
  • How to improve: The writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. A strong thesis statement that indicates which side they lean towards would help guide the reader. Additionally, concluding the essay with a clear summary of their stance would enhance clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas but does not extend or support them effectively. For example, the claim that long-term imprisonment limits criminal activity is made, but it is not supported with evidence or examples. Similarly, the assertion that medical treatments have "some mistakes" is vague and lacks elaboration on what those mistakes are or how they impact the effectiveness of treatment.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples, data, or case studies that illustrate their points. Each claim should be backed by evidence to strengthen the argument. Additionally, expanding on each idea with further explanation would help to develop a more comprehensive discussion.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing crime and the methods of addressing it. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the discussion of medical treatment, which is not sufficiently connected to the overall argument about crime solutions. The mention of "weak spots" and "criminal’s partner in crime" is somewhat unclear and detracts from the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. Clarifying ambiguous statements and ensuring that all arguments contribute to the overall discussion of the advantages and disadvantages of imprisonment versus medical assistance would help keep the essay on track.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim for a more structured approach that clearly addresses all parts of the prompt, maintains a consistent position, supports ideas with evidence, and stays focused on the topic throughout. Additionally, expanding the essay to meet the word count requirement is crucial, as being under the word limit can significantly impact the overall score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a basic structure with an introduction and a body paragraph. However, the logical organization is somewhat lacking. The introduction states the two opposing views but does not clearly outline the main points that will be discussed. The body paragraph presents arguments for long-term imprisonment but does not effectively transition to the counterargument regarding medical and psychological assistance. For instance, the shift from discussing imprisonment to the flaws in medical treatment feels abrupt and lacks a clear connection.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer should include a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader through the argument. For example, the writer could start the second paragraph with a sentence that clearly states it will discuss the counterargument regarding medical and psychological assistance.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but the structure is not fully effective. There is only one body paragraph, which limits the development of ideas. The paragraph itself is not well-structured, as it mixes several ideas without clear separation or development. For example, the discussion about the limitations of medical treatment is not clearly linked back to the main argument about long-term imprisonment.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to create at least two body paragraphs: one for the advantages of long-term imprisonment and another for the advantages of medical and psychological assistance. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, supported by examples and explanations. This will not only improve clarity but also allow for a more balanced discussion of both sides of the argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "moreover," but the range is limited. The transitions between ideas are often abrupt, which affects the overall flow of the essay. For instance, the phrase "As a result" is used to connect the idea of mental treatments to the conclusion that doctors could inadvertently assist criminals, but the connection is not clearly established.
  • How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "in contrast," "however," and "furthermore." Additionally, ensuring that each sentence logically follows from the previous one will help create a smoother flow. For example, after discussing the limitations of medical treatment, the writer could use a phrase like "In contrast, proponents of medical assistance argue that…" to introduce the counterargument more effectively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "incarceration," "hazardous plans," and "mental treatments." However, the range is somewhat limited, and some phrases are repetitive or lack sophistication. For instance, the phrase "long-term imprisonment" is used correctly, but alternatives like "long-term incarceration" or "extended confinement" could enhance variety. Additionally, terms like "neccessary" and "undirectly" indicate a reliance on basic vocabulary without exploring synonyms that could elevate the language.
  • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should practice using synonyms and more complex phrases. Engaging with a wider array of reading materials, such as academic articles or high-level essays, can expose the writer to varied vocabulary. Keeping a vocabulary journal to note down new words and their contexts can also be beneficial.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "undercontrolled," which is not a standard term in English. The phrase "doctors connot know" also reflects a lack of precision, as "cannot" is misspelled and the context could be clearer. Furthermore, "weak spots" is vague and could be replaced with a more specific term, such as "vulnerabilities" or "psychological weaknesses."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on understanding the nuances of words and their appropriate contexts. Utilizing a thesaurus can help find more fitting words, but it is crucial to ensure that the chosen words accurately convey the intended meaning. Additionally, proofreading for clarity and correctness before finalizing the essay can help catch imprecise language.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "bult" instead of "built," "neccessary" instead of "necessary," "treatmen" instead of "treatment," "connot" instead of "cannot," and "mentle" instead of "mental." These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and can confuse readers.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, perhaps by using online tools or apps designed for this purpose. Reading more extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure. Additionally, implementing a final proofreading step focused solely on spelling before submission can help catch and correct these errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in vocabulary usage, it also exhibits notable weaknesses in range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and improving spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with few complex sentences. For example, the sentence "When they are put in prison and undercontrolled by prison warders, they are unable to come up with hazardous plans" is a compound structure but lacks complexity. Additionally, the use of phrases such as "this motion offers both merits and demerits" indicates an attempt at variety but does not fully utilize more sophisticated structures that could enhance clarity and engagement.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "it will limit the capability of people committing a crime," the writer could say, "By limiting the capability of individuals who commit crimes, long-term imprisonment serves as a deterrent, particularly when combined with effective rehabilitation programs." Engaging with resources that focus on complex sentence formation, such as grammar workbooks or online exercises, can also be beneficial.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, "long-period imprisonment" should be "long-term imprisonment," and "neccessary" is a misspelling of "necessary." Additionally, the phrase "mental treatments still have some mistakes in managing" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in the sentence "Moreover, mental treatments still have some mistakes in managing, In medical treatmen," where a period should replace the comma, and "treatmen" is misspelled.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch spelling errors and awkward phrasing. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can help identify mistakes before submission. Additionally, studying common grammatical structures and their correct usage can aid in improving overall accuracy. Practicing writing short paragraphs and receiving feedback from peers or instructors can also help the writer develop a stronger command of grammar and punctuation.

In summary, while the essay presents a relevant argument, it requires significant improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical correctness, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, the rate of crime tends to increase in numerous countries. Hence, many citizens hold the view that long-term imprisonment is an effective way to handle criminals, while others believe that medical and psychological assistance is more necessary. From my perspective, this motion presents both advantages and disadvantages and needs further discussion.

On the one hand, there are some reasons why long-term incarceration has benefits. Firstly, it limits the capability of people to commit crimes. When they are put in prison and under the control of prison warders, they are unable to devise dangerous plans. Moreover, mental treatments still have limitations in management. In medical treatment, doctors cannot know whether criminals have mental health issues or not. Hence, many criminals are likely to take advantage of weak spots to commit crimes. As a result, doctors would inadvertently become accomplices in crime.