More people today are overweight than ever before. What are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic

More people today are overweight than ever before.
What are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this
epidemic

In this day and age, the number of individuals who are obese has been rising more than the past. There are many different things that have caused this trend, and in this essay I will explain about it and give some solutions for this pandemic.

In my opinion, there are two reasons why a lot of people become overweight. The first reason can be seen that more and more citizens have been lazier, they tend to stay at home rather than go out and do some exercises. For example, with the ratio of office workers and the number of people driving to work increasing much more than in the past, they rarely have time to go to the gym. Moreover, an unhealthy diet is also a cause of weight gain. It can be seen that teenagers like to eat sugary food, while working adults usually choose to eat fast food because of their busy schedules.

To solve this problem, both the government and the citizens must change to reduce the proportion of overweight people. Firstly, the government can use measures such as increasing tax prices on foods that contain high fat content and reducing taxes on food that are high in nutrients, which might make the individuals feel less likely to buy food that is harmful to their health. Secondly, the citizens must also change their diet so they would not get diseases related to being overweight. For example, instead of eating cakes or sweets for dessert after dinner everyday, people can change to fruits or juices.

In conclusion, there are a lot of different reasons that lead to the increase of overweight people. Therefore, the government and people should be more aware of minimizing the above risks.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In this day and age" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "In this day and age" is a somewhat colloquial expression. "Currently" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

2. "the number of individuals who are obese has been rising more than the past" -> "the prevalence of obesity has increased significantly over the past"
   Explanation: "The number of individuals who are obese has been rising more than the past" is awkwardly phrased and vague. "The prevalence of obesity has increased significantly over the past" is more precise and academically appropriate.

3. "explain about it" -> "discuss this issue"
   Explanation: "Explain about it" is informal and imprecise. "Discuss this issue" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

4. "give some solutions for this pandemic" -> "propose some solutions to this issue"
   Explanation: "Give some solutions for this pandemic" uses informal language and an imprecise term ("pandemic" is typically used for infectious diseases). "Propose some solutions to this issue" is more formal and accurate.

5. "a lot of people become overweight" -> "many individuals become obese"
   Explanation: "A lot of people" is informal and vague. "Many individuals" is more precise and formal.

6. "can be seen that more and more citizens have been lazier" -> "it is evident that an increasing number of citizens have become less active"
   Explanation: "Can be seen that more and more citizens have been lazier" is awkward and informal. "It is evident that an increasing number of citizens have become less active" is clearer and more formal.

7. "they tend to stay at home rather than go out and do some exercises" -> "they tend to remain at home rather than engaging in physical activity"
   Explanation: "Do some exercises" is informal and vague. "Engaging in physical activity" is more precise and formal.

8. "with the ratio of office workers and the number of people driving to work increasing much more than in the past" -> "as the proportion of office workers and the number of commuters has increased significantly compared to the past"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and informal. The revised version is clearer and more formal.

9. "they rarely have time to go to the gym" -> "they often lack the time to visit the gym"
   Explanation: "Rarely have time" is a negative and informal way to express lack of time. "Often lack the time to visit the gym" is more neutral and formal.

10. "an unhealthy diet is also a cause of weight gain" -> "an unhealthy diet is another contributing factor to weight gain"
    Explanation: "A cause of weight gain" is somewhat simplistic and informal. "Another contributing factor to weight gain" is more precise and formal.

11. "they would not get diseases related to being overweight" -> "they would avoid diseases associated with obesity"
    Explanation: "Get diseases related to being overweight" is informal and imprecise. "Avoid diseases associated with obesity" is more formal and accurate.

12. "eating cakes or sweets for dessert after dinner everyday" -> "consuming cakes or sweets as a dessert after dinner daily"
    Explanation: "Eating cakes or sweets for dessert after dinner everyday" is informal and slightly awkward. "Consuming cakes or sweets as a dessert after dinner daily" is more formal and precise.

13. "there are a lot of different reasons" -> "there are numerous reasons"
    Explanation: "A lot of different reasons" is informal and vague. "Numerous reasons" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying primary causes of obesity (laziness and unhealthy diets) and suggesting measures to combat this issue (government intervention and personal dietary changes). However, the explanation of causes could be more nuanced. For instance, while the essay mentions laziness, it does not explore underlying factors such as technological advancements or societal changes that contribute to this behavior. Additionally, the solutions proposed are somewhat generic and could benefit from more specific examples or a wider range of strategies.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should delve deeper into the causes of obesity, perhaps discussing societal influences, marketing of unhealthy foods, or economic factors. For the solutions, including specific initiatives or programs that have been effective in other contexts could enhance the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position regarding the causes and solutions to obesity. The writer’s opinion is stated early on, and the argument is maintained throughout. However, the use of phrases like "in my opinion" can be seen as somewhat informal and may detract from the authoritative tone expected in an academic essay. The conclusion reiterates the importance of awareness but lacks a strong, decisive statement that encapsulates the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a more formal tone and a clearer position, the writer should avoid personal opinions and instead assert statements confidently. Strengthening the conclusion with a more definitive summary of the argument would also enhance clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, with a logical flow from causes to solutions. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, the mention of office workers and their busy schedules is a good start, but it could be backed up with statistics or studies to strengthen the argument. Similarly, while the solutions are relevant, they lack depth and could be expanded with examples of successful implementations.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should incorporate data, examples, or references to studies that illustrate the points made. This would not only provide credibility but also engage the reader more effectively.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes and solutions to obesity. However, phrases like "this pandemic" may confuse readers, as the term "pandemic" typically refers to infectious diseases rather than lifestyle issues. Such terminology could lead to a misinterpretation of the essay’s focus.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should choose terminology carefully and ensure that all language used aligns with the topic. Avoiding colloquial or ambiguous terms will help keep the essay on track and clear for the reader.

Overall, while the essay achieves a solid Band 7 for Task Response, there is room for improvement in depth, specificity, and clarity. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction outlines the main points, and the body paragraphs are organized around two primary causes of obesity, followed by suggested solutions. However, the logical progression between ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to solutions feels abrupt, and the connection between the two could be more explicitly stated.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the causes to the solutions. For example, after discussing the causes, a sentence like "Given these challenges, it is essential to explore effective measures that can be implemented to combat this issue" would create a smoother transition.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The first body paragraph addresses the causes of obesity, while the second discusses potential solutions. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph more effectively. The conclusion, while present, could also be more robust in summarizing the key points discussed.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences of each body paragraph to clearly indicate what each paragraph will discuss. For instance, starting the first body paragraph with "One significant cause of the rising obesity rates is the increasingly sedentary lifestyle of many individuals" would provide clarity. Additionally, the conclusion could be improved by reiterating the main causes and solutions succinctly, reinforcing the essay’s overall argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "firstly," "moreover," and "for example," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "it can be seen that" is used repetitively, which can detract from the overall cohesiveness of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "consequently," or "as a result." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Additionally, varying sentence structures can improve cohesion; for instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "it can be seen that," rephrase to integrate these observations more fluidly into the narrative.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay can be significantly enhanced, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication. For instance, terms like "obese," "overweight," and "diet" are repeated without much variation. Phrases such as "more and more citizens have been lazier" could be improved by using synonyms or more complex expressions, such as "increasingly sedentary lifestyles." The phrase "a lot of people" is quite informal and could be replaced with "a significant number of individuals" for a more academic tone.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "overweight," consider terms like "obesity," "excess weight," or "weight-related issues." Additionally, using phrases like "sedentary lifestyle" or "unhealthy eating habits" can elevate the language.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. The term "pandemic" is inaccurately applied in the context of discussing obesity; "epidemic" would be more suitable. The phrase "the ratio of office workers" is vague and could be clarified to specify what is being compared. The expression "tax prices" is also awkward; "tax rates" would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary, the writer should ensure that terms are used in their correct context. For instance, replacing "pandemic" with "epidemic" would enhance clarity. Additionally, the writer should focus on using specific language that accurately conveys their ideas, such as specifying "the increasing number of office workers" instead of "the ratio of office workers."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "individuals" being spelled correctly, but "citizens" and "diseases" are used without error. However, the phrase "tax prices" is awkward and could be misinterpreted, though it is not a spelling error per se. Overall, spelling is generally accurate, but the use of less common words or phrases could lead to mistakes.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools that provide feedback. Additionally, proofreading the essay for common spelling errors or awkward phrases can help catch mistakes before submission. Keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary appropriate for the topic, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, using terms more precisely, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "In my opinion" and "the first reason can be seen that" introduces a personal perspective and a logical structure to the argument. However, the essay relies heavily on a few basic structures, such as "There are" and "can be seen," which limits the overall complexity. The phrase "both the government and the citizens must change" is effective in showing a compound structure but could be enhanced with more varied introductory phrases or clauses.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses, such as "Although many people are aware of the health risks, they continue to indulge in unhealthy diets." Additionally, varying the use of transitional phrases can help create a more dynamic flow. For example, instead of repeating "the first reason," the writer could use alternatives like "One significant factor contributing to this issue is…"

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "has been rising more than the past" should be revised to "has been rising more than in the past" for grammatical correctness. The sentence "the first reason can be seen that more and more citizens have been lazier" contains awkward phrasing; it would be clearer as "the first reason is that more and more citizens have become lazier." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "which might make the individuals feel less likely to buy food that is harmful to their health."
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring that phrases are clearly articulated. Practicing the use of conjunctions and relative clauses can help in constructing more complex sentences. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will improve clarity. For instance, breaking down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones can also aid in conveying ideas more effectively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, the number of individuals who are obese has been rising more than in the past. There are many different things that have caused this trend, and in this essay, I will explain this issue and propose some solutions to it.

In my opinion, there are two primary reasons why many individuals become obese. The first reason is that more and more citizens have become lazier; they tend to stay at home rather than go out and engage in physical activity. For example, as the proportion of office workers and the number of people driving to work have increased significantly compared to the past, they rarely have time to go to the gym. Moreover, an unhealthy diet is another contributing factor to weight gain. It is evident that teenagers like to eat sugary foods, while working adults usually choose to eat fast food because of their busy schedules.

To solve this problem, both the government and citizens must change to reduce the proportion of overweight individuals. Firstly, the government can implement measures such as increasing tax prices on foods that contain high fat content and reducing taxes on foods that are high in nutrients, which might make individuals less likely to buy food that is harmful to their health. Secondly, citizens must also change their diets so they can avoid diseases associated with obesity. For example, instead of consuming cakes or sweets as a dessert after dinner daily, people can switch to fruits or juices.

In conclusion, there are numerous reasons that lead to the increase in the number of overweight people. Therefore, the government and individuals should be more aware of minimizing the above risks.