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More people today are overweight than ever before. What are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic?

More people today are overweight than ever before. What are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic?

It is widely acknowledged that obesity is a severe epidemic that modern societies have to face, and there is a drastic increase in the number of overweight people over recent decades. This problem is attributable to a host of factors, and I believe it should be collectively addressed by both individuals and the government.

There are two main driving factors behind the rise in obesity. First, the sedentary lifestyle is a major culprit. People today are much less physically active than they used to be. For example, most of us now work behind a desk and drive our own personal vehicles to work, which means we have very little time for exercise and are more likely to gain weight. Second, in light of fast-paced modern life, many people now have a poor diet. For instance, teenagers tend to eat a lot of snacks and working adults typically consume fast food on a regular basis due to their busy schedule. This eating habit, coupled with a lack of exercise, has made a great number of people obese.

In order to address the problem of obesity, several viable actions can be taken. On the governmental level, states should try to encourage citizens to pay more attention to fitness and wellness. Building more recreational spaces, especially in cities, could be a way to motivate people to be outdoors more often and get some exercise. However, such initiatives would be futile without each individual actively taking better care of our health. People should make time for exercising and try to eat clean by preparing home-cooked meals. Slowly incorporating these habits into their daily routine would go a long way towards maintaining a healthy weight.

In conclusion, the surge in obesity rates can be ascribed to a decline in physical activity level and an unhealthy diet, and this issue can be dealt with by a joint effort of both the government and the people.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is widely acknowledged that obesity is a severe epidemic that modern societies have to face, and there is a drastic increase in the number of overweight people over recent decades."
    -> "It is widely recognized that obesity constitutes a significant epidemic challenging contemporary societies, with a marked increase in the prevalence of overweight individuals over recent decades."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal and precise language, replacing "acknowledged" with "recognized" and providing a more elaborate description of the obesity epidemic.

  2. "This problem is attributable to a host of factors, and I believe it should be collectively addressed by both individuals and the government."
    -> "This issue stems from a myriad of factors, and I contend that it warrants a collective response from both individuals and the government."
    Explanation: The term "attributable" is replaced with "stems from" for a more formal tone. "Believe" is changed to "contend" for a stronger expression of the author’s position.

  3. "There are two main driving factors behind the rise in obesity."
    -> "Two primary factors drive the escalation of obesity."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more concise and formal language, replacing "main driving" with "primary" for brevity and clarity.

  4. "For example, most of us now work behind a desk and drive our own personal vehicles to work, which means we have very little time for exercise and are more likely to gain weight."
    -> "For instance, a substantial number of individuals currently engage in sedentary work, confined to desks, and commute using personal vehicles, resulting in limited opportunities for exercise and an increased likelihood of weight gain."
    Explanation: The sentence is rephrased for a more formal and detailed expression, avoiding colloquial language and providing a comprehensive explanation of the sedentary lifestyle.

  5. "Second, in light of fast-paced modern life, many people now have a poor diet."
    -> "Secondly, given the fast-paced nature of modern life, a considerable number of individuals maintain an inadequate dietary regimen."
    Explanation: The transition word "in light of" is replaced with "given" for a more formal expression. "Poor diet" is substituted with "inadequate dietary regimen" for precision.

  6. "This eating habit, coupled with a lack of exercise, has made a great number of people obese."
    -> "This dietary pattern, combined with a deficiency in physical activity, has contributed to a significant portion of the population developing obesity."
    Explanation: The sentence is refined for a more formal tone, replacing "eating habit" with "dietary pattern" and "lack of exercise" with "deficiency in physical activity."

  7. "In order to address the problem of obesity, several viable actions can be taken."
    -> "To mitigate the issue of obesity, various effective measures can be implemented."
    Explanation: The phrase is streamlined for formality, replacing "address" with "mitigate" and "viable actions" with "effective measures."

  8. "Building more recreational spaces, especially in cities, could be a way to motivate people to be outdoors more often and get some exercise."
    -> "Constructing additional recreational areas, particularly within urban areas, could serve as a means to incentivize individuals to spend more time outdoors and engage in physical activity."
    Explanation: The sentence is revised for a more formal and precise expression, using "constructing" instead of "building" and providing a more detailed explanation.

  9. "However, such initiatives would be futile without each individual actively taking better care of our health."
    -> "Nevertheless, these endeavors would prove ineffectual unless each individual actively prioritizes the maintenance of personal health."
    Explanation: The term "futile" is replaced with "ineffectual" for a more formal tone. The possessive pronoun "our" is changed to "personal" for clarity and formality.

  10. "People should make time for exercising and try to eat clean by preparing home-cooked meals."
    -> "Individuals should allocate time for regular exercise and strive for a nutritious diet by preparing home-cooked meals."
    Explanation: The sentence is refined for formality, replacing "make time for exercising" with "allocate time for regular exercise" and "eat clean" with "strive for a nutritious diet."

  11. "Slowly incorporating these habits into their daily routine would go a long way towards maintaining a healthy weight."
    -> "Gradually integrating these habits into one’s daily routine would significantly contribute to maintaining a healthy weight."
    Explanation: The sentence is modified for a more formal tone, using "integrating" instead of "incorporating" and providing a more sophisticated expression.

  12. "In conclusion, the surge in obesity rates can be ascribed to a decline in physical activity level and an unhealthy diet, and this issue can be dealt with by a joint effort of both the government and the people."
    -> "In conclusion, the upsurge in obesity rates can be attributed to a decrease in physical activity levels and an unhealthy dietary pattern, and addressing this issue requires a collaborative effort from both the government and the public."
    Explanation: The sentence is revised for formality, replacing "ascribed" with "attributed," "decline in physical activity level" with "decrease in physical activity levels," and "dealt with" with "addressing." The term "joint effort" is substituted with "collaborative effort" for precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying primary causes of obesity (sedentary lifestyle and poor diet) and suggesting measures to overcome it (governmental initiatives and individual actions).
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider offering more specific examples or statistics supporting the causes of obesity and delve deeper into the measures, outlining potential challenges and how to overcome them.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, advocating for joint efforts from both individuals and the government to combat obesity.
    • How to improve: Strengthen clarity by explicitly stating the stance in the introduction and reinforcing it in the conclusion. This can further solidify the position throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents two distinct causes of obesity (sedentary lifestyle and poor diet) and offers corresponding measures. It briefly extends these ideas but lacks in-depth development.
    • How to improve: Elaborate more on each cause and its ramifications. Support ideas with relevant statistics, studies, or real-life examples to bolster the argument and create a more persuasive narrative.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic, discussing the causes of obesity and measures to overcome it. However, there are instances where the focus could be sharper, such as the brief mention of teenagers’ eating habits.
    • How to improve: Ensure each supporting point directly ties back to the main discussion. Avoid tangential details that don’t directly contribute to the primary argument.

Overall Comments:

This essay effectively addresses the prompt by identifying primary causes of obesity and suggesting measures to tackle this issue. To enhance the response, consider incorporating more specific examples or data to support the causes of obesity. Additionally, deeper development of ideas and more explicit reinforcement of the essay’s stance throughout would strengthen the argument. Ensure all supporting points directly contribute to the main discussion, avoiding tangential details that might distract from the central focus.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction that outlines the problem of obesity and the need for collective action. The body paragraphs follow a structured approach, addressing the two main causes of obesity and suggesting solutions. The use of examples, such as the sedentary lifestyle and poor dietary habits, enhances the clarity of the argument.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider explicitly signaling transitions between ideas. For instance, use cohesive devices like "Furthermore" or "In addition" to connect supporting points in the body paragraphs. This will create a smoother flow and help readers follow the progression of your argument more easily.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is appropriately divided into paragraphs, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are distinct, and the body paragraphs effectively address the causes of obesity and potential solutions. However, there are opportunities to refine paragraph transitions for a more seamless connection between ideas.
    • How to improve: Work on transitioning between paragraphs more smoothly. Consider using transitional sentences at the end of each paragraph that provide a bridge to the next topic. This will contribute to a more cohesive and connected overall structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as linking words (e.g., "First," "Second," "However") and phrases that signal cause and effect relationships (e.g., "which means," "For instance"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay and help guide the reader through the argument.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are used, there is room for greater variety. Introduce a wider range of linking words and transitional phrases to diversify your writing. For example, consider using concessive phrases (e.g., "Nevertheless," "On the contrary") to provide a more nuanced connection between contrasting ideas. This will elevate the sophistication of your writing and enhance cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion. With focused attention on smoother transitions and the introduction of a broader range of cohesive devices, the essay has the potential to reach an even higher level of organizational clarity and effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly varied vocabulary, employing terms like "sedentary lifestyle," "culprit," "fast-paced modern life," "recreational spaces," and "incorporating these habits." However, there is room for enhancement by incorporating more nuanced or advanced vocabulary to strengthen the depth and complexity of expression.
    • How to improve: To enrich the lexical resource, consider integrating synonyms or more specific terms. For instance, instead of "poor diet," explore words like "unbalanced nutrition" or "suboptimal dietary choices." Additionally, explore idiomatic phrases or collocations related to the topic, such as "sedentary habits" or "health-conscious practices," to enhance precision and sophistication.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately but occasionally employs broad or common phrases that could benefit from more precision. For example, terms like "poor diet" and "fast-paced modern life" could be refined to offer a clearer, more exact description.
    • How to improve: Aim for specificity in language use. Instead of "poor diet," consider specifying the nature of unhealthy eating habits, like "excessive consumption of processed foods" or "reliance on high-calorie snacks." Similarly, instead of "fast-paced modern life," consider phrases like "hectic societal pace" or "accelerated lifestyle," which convey a deeper insight into the issue.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally strong throughout the essay, with no noticeable errors detracting from the overall clarity of the content.
    • How to improve: To maintain this level of spelling accuracy, continue practicing proofreading techniques. Consider using spelling and grammar check tools to further enhance accuracy and mitigate any potential oversights.

Overall, the essay presents a well-structured response with a satisfactory range of vocabulary. To elevate the lexical resource score further, focus on integrating more nuanced vocabulary and refining the precision of language use to convey ideas with greater depth and clarity. Keep practicing spelling accuracy while honing a diverse repertoire of vocabulary to enhance the overall richness of expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used effectively to convey ideas. For example, the author employs complex sentences to explain the causes of obesity and uses simple sentences for clarity and impact in the conclusion.
    • How to improve: While the essay displays a good range of structures, further enhancement could be achieved by incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences. This would elevate the overall sophistication of the writing.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the grammar is strong, with well-constructed sentences. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency could be refined. For instance, in the sentence "People today are much less physically active than they used to be," the past tense "used" could be replaced with "use" for better consistency.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Review each sentence to ensure these elements are maintained throughout the essay. Consider seeking feedback or proofreading to catch any inconsistencies.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly throughout the essay. Commas, periods, and other punctuation marks are appropriately placed. However, there are a few instances where the use of semicolons or colons could enhance clarity and cohesion.
    • How to improve: To refine punctuation skills, consider incorporating semicolons or colons where appropriate to create a more sophisticated and varied sentence structure. Additionally, review the use of commas in complex sentences to ensure clarity and precision.

In summary, the essay displays a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, with a variety of sentence structures contributing to overall effectiveness. To further improve, focus on refining grammatical details such as subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency, and consider experimenting with more advanced punctuation for enhanced clarity and sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely recognized that obesity constitutes a significant epidemic challenging contemporary societies, with a marked increase in the prevalence of overweight individuals over recent decades. This issue stems from a myriad of factors, and I contend that it warrants a collective response from both individuals and the government.

Two primary factors drive the escalation of obesity. For instance, a substantial number of individuals currently engage in sedentary work, confined to desks, and commute using personal vehicles, resulting in limited opportunities for exercise and an increased likelihood of weight gain. Secondly, given the fast-paced nature of modern life, a considerable number of individuals maintain an inadequate dietary regimen. This dietary pattern, combined with a deficiency in physical activity, has contributed to a significant portion of the population developing obesity.

To mitigate the issue of obesity, various effective measures can be implemented. Constructing additional recreational areas, particularly within urban areas, could serve as a means to incentivize individuals to spend more time outdoors and engage in physical activity. Nevertheless, these endeavors would prove ineffectual unless each individual actively prioritizes the maintenance of personal health. Individuals should allocate time for regular exercise and strive for a nutritious diet by preparing home-cooked meals. Gradually integrating these habits into one’s daily routine would significantly contribute to maintaining a healthy weight.

In conclusion, the upsurge in obesity rates can be attributed to a decrease in physical activity levels and an unhealthy dietary pattern, and addressing this issue requires a collaborative effort from both the government and the public.

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