Most artists earn low salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue their work. To what extent do you agree?
Most artists earn low salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue their work. To what extent do you agree?
There is an opinion that most artists cannot make a high-pay job. As a result, they need governmental funding in order to continuously pursue their passion. Personally, even though I acknowledge that the average income of people working in the art industry in certain nations is insignificant, not all artists have unsustainable financial conditions for the following reasons:
On the one hand, it is undeniable that a number of artists need to gain support in terms of finance to continue their work. First of all, in some third-world countries, the art field is not really respected. This is because these nations tend to focus on developing military, economy and education. This lead to the fact that people working in the art industry of that regions are often unemployed or underpaid, which require financial assistance. Furthermore, the government should pay attention to some artists who work for the community instead of profiting for themselves. For example, some paintings are auctioned to support children in mountainous areas or to raise money for the national front. Therefore, the support of the government for the artists can be considered as a way to encourage them to dedicate further.
On the other hand, artists can generate a sustainable income through many ways. Firstly, they can earn money from their own expertise. For instance, by selling paintings or drawing for hire, they will receive an amount of money corresponding to their ability and the value of their artworks. Secondly, they can take advantages of their own reputation to generate revenue. To be more specific some famous artists can be invited to do advertisements for a brand thanks to their global influence. As a result, artists not only get paid for their artworks but also earn money from other fields.
In conclusion, while the governmental funding to certain segments is crucial, it's not really urgent for most artists due to the arguments that I have presented in this essay.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"There is an opinion" -> "It is often argued"
Explanation: "It is often argued" is a more formal and precise way to introduce an opinion or a viewpoint in academic writing, enhancing the tone and clarity of the statement. -
"most artists cannot make a high-pay job" -> "many artists are unable to secure high-paying employment"
Explanation: "Secure high-paying employment" is a more formal and precise term than "make a high-pay job," which is colloquial and vague. -
"need governmental funding" -> "require government support"
Explanation: "Require government support" is a more formal and precise term that better fits the academic style, avoiding the colloquial tone of "need governmental funding." -
"even though" -> "although"
Explanation: "Although" is a more formal conjunction suitable for academic writing compared to "even though," which can sound slightly informal. -
"the average income of people working in the art industry" -> "the average salaries of professionals in the art industry"
Explanation: "Professionals" is a more specific term than "people working," and "salaries" is more precise than "income," which is broader and less specific. -
"in certain nations" -> "in some countries"
Explanation: "In some countries" is a more common and precise phrase in academic writing than "in certain nations," which can sound slightly vague and less formal. -
"not really respected" -> "not widely recognized"
Explanation: "Not widely recognized" is a more formal and precise way to express lack of respect or appreciation, avoiding the colloquial "not really respected." -
"This lead to the fact that" -> "This leads to the fact that"
Explanation: "Leads" should be used instead of "lead" for grammatical correctness in this context, as it is the singular subject "This" that is leading to the fact. -
"people working in the art industry of that regions" -> "those working in the art industry in those regions"
Explanation: "Those working in the art industry in those regions" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the reference, making it more formal and precise. -
"are often unemployed or underpaid" -> "are frequently unemployed or underpaid"
Explanation: "Frequently" is a more formal adverb than "often," which is slightly less formal and more conversational. -
"can take advantages of their own reputation" -> "can capitalize on their own reputation"
Explanation: "Capitalize on" is a more precise and formal expression than "take advantages of," which is grammatically incorrect and informal. -
"thanks to their global influence" -> "owing to their global influence"
Explanation: "Owing to" is a more formal preposition than "thanks to," which is more conversational and less suitable for academic writing. -
"it’s not really urgent" -> "it is not a pressing concern"
Explanation: "It is not a pressing concern" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to express the idea that something is not urgent, avoiding the contraction "it’s" and the colloquial "really."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the need for government funding for artists and the argument against it. The writer acknowledges that many artists struggle financially, particularly in developing countries, and presents examples to support this view. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The phrase "I acknowledge that the average income of people working in the art industry in certain nations is insignificant" suggests a partial agreement, but the conclusion lacks a definitive stance on the extent of agreement.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly articulate their position in the introduction and conclusion, explicitly stating whether they agree or disagree with the need for government funding and to what extent. Including a brief summary of the main points that support this position in the conclusion would also strengthen the response.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, indicating that while some artists may need funding, not all do. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The phrase "not all artists have unsustainable financial conditions" introduces ambiguity, as it suggests a need for further clarification on which artists are being referred to and under what circumstances.
- How to improve: The writer should strive for greater clarity by consistently framing their argument around a clear thesis statement. Each paragraph should link back to this thesis, reinforcing the writer’s position. Using transitional phrases that indicate agreement or disagreement can also help maintain clarity throughout the essay.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the financial challenges faced by artists and the potential for income generation through various means. The examples provided, such as artists selling their work or leveraging their reputation for advertising, are relevant and illustrate the points made. However, some ideas could be further developed. For instance, the mention of artists auctioning paintings to support charitable causes could be expanded with more detail about how this impacts their financial stability.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more in-depth analysis and examples. Each point made should be supported by specific details, statistics, or anecdotes that illustrate the argument. Additionally, linking the examples back to the main argument will help to create a more cohesive essay.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the financial challenges faced by artists and the role of government funding. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly in the second paragraph when discussing how artists can generate income. While this is relevant, the connection to the need for government funding could be made clearer.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. When introducing examples of how artists can sustain themselves, it would be beneficial to explicitly connect these points back to the question of government funding, perhaps by discussing how self-sufficiency might reduce the need for such funding.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, clearer articulation of the position, deeper development of ideas, and a tighter focus on the prompt would enhance the overall quality and coherence of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. Each body paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, with the first paragraph discussing the need for government funding and the second paragraph highlighting alternative income sources for artists. This logical progression allows the reader to follow the argument easily. However, there are moments where the transitions between ideas could be smoother, particularly between the examples and the main points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit transitional phrases between points and examples. For instance, after introducing the need for funding in the first paragraph, a transition such as "Moreover, this need is particularly evident in…" could help connect the general statement to specific examples more effectively.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into clear paragraphs, each serving a distinct purpose. The first paragraph focuses on the argument for government funding, while the second presents counterarguments regarding artists’ income generation. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph more explicitly.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For example, the first paragraph could start with, "Many artists, particularly in developing countries, face significant financial challenges that necessitate government support." This would provide immediate clarity on the paragraph’s focus.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "on the one hand," and "as a result," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive, particularly in the way points are introduced and contrasted. The essay could benefit from a broader range of cohesive devices to enhance the sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating synonyms and alternative phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "first of all," consider varying it with "to begin with" or "initially." Additionally, when contrasting points, phrases like "in contrast" or "alternatively" can provide more variety and enhance the overall flow of the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing ideas and using cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and sophistication of their argument.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "governmental funding," "sustainable income," and "community" being appropriately used. However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice. For example, the phrase "financial assistance" appears in a similar context as "support" and "funding," which could have been diversified to enhance the lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "support," alternatives like "aid," "backing," or "subsidy" could be used. Additionally, exploring more specific vocabulary related to the arts and economics could enrich the essay.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, there are moments of imprecision that could lead to misunderstanding. For example, the phrase "high-pay job" is somewhat awkward and could be more accurately expressed as "high-paying job." Additionally, the term "third-world countries" is considered outdated and can be replaced with "developing countries" for clarity and sensitivity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using established phrases and idiomatic expressions. A review of common collocations in English, particularly those related to economics and the arts, would be beneficial. For example, instead of "to gain support in terms of finance," a more precise phrase could be "to secure financial support."
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "lead" instead of "led" in the phrase "This lead to the fact that," which detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing. Additionally, "take advantages" should be corrected to "take advantage." These errors indicate a need for more careful proofreading.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a systematic proofreading process. This could include reading the essay aloud, using spell-check tools, and reviewing commonly misspelled words. Additionally, practicing spelling through exercises or apps focused on vocabulary could help solidify correct spelling habits.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as "This is because these nations tend to focus on developing military, economy and education" effectively conveys a cause-and-effect relationship. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand"). This can make the writing feel somewhat formulaic.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and transition words. For instance, instead of consistently using "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," alternatives like "Conversely," or "In contrast," could be employed. Additionally, integrating more complex structures, such as relative clauses or participial phrases, can add sophistication to the writing.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "This lead to the fact that people working in the art industry of that regions are often unemployed or underpaid" contains a subject-verb agreement error ("lead" should be "leads") and a pluralization error ("that regions" should be "those regions"). Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "and education" in the first paragraph.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and pluralization rules. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing with exercises can help solidify these concepts. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that commas are used to separate items in a list or to clarify complex sentences will enhance the overall clarity of the writing. For example, revising the sentence to "This leads to the fact that people working in the art industry in those regions are often unemployed or underpaid" would correct the errors and improve clarity.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the noted weaknesses will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is an opinion that most artists are unable to secure high-paying employment. As a result, they require government support in order to continue pursuing their passion. Personally, although I acknowledge that the average salaries of professionals in the art industry in certain countries are quite low, not all artists face unsustainable financial conditions for the following reasons:
On the one hand, it is undeniable that many artists need financial support to continue their work. First of all, in some developing countries, the art field is not widely recognized. This is because these nations tend to focus on developing their military, economy, and education. This leads to the fact that those working in the art industry in those regions are frequently unemployed or underpaid, which necessitates financial assistance. Furthermore, the government should pay attention to artists who contribute to the community rather than solely seeking personal profit. For example, some paintings are auctioned to support children in mountainous areas or to raise funds for national causes. Therefore, government support for artists can be viewed as a means to encourage their continued dedication.
On the other hand, artists can generate a sustainable income through various avenues. Firstly, they can earn money from their own expertise. For instance, by selling paintings or accepting commissions, they can receive compensation that reflects their skills and the value of their artworks. Secondly, they can capitalize on their own reputation to generate revenue. To be more specific, some famous artists can be invited to participate in advertisements for brands owing to their global influence. As a result, artists not only earn money from their artworks but also generate income from other fields.
In conclusion, while government funding for certain segments of the art community is crucial, it is not a pressing concern for most artists due to the arguments I have presented in this essay.