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Music plays an important role in society, others think it is simply a form of entertainment for individuals. Discuss both and give your opinions.

Music plays an important role in society, others think it is simply a form of entertainment for individuals. Discuss both and give your opinions.

There are differing views on whether music is pivotal to society or not, with some considering music plays an indispensable role in social aspects while others argue it is solely a means of entertainment. This essay will discuss both viewpoints before concluding that the former is more favorable.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that music is crucial for entertainment. Initially, people might often listen to musical melodies when they have leisure time. This means listening to their favorite songs might be an effective method to uplift their mood after hustle and bustle life. Furthermore, there are various kinds of music that bring joys to listeners. Take pop music, which is one of the most prominent genres on a global scale, as an illustration. This type of music can bring positive vibes to the listeners, thus making people feel joyful and entertained.
On the other hand, I believe that music also plays a significant role in other social aspects. First and foremost, it could allow people to make a handsome profit by creating and performing their musical works. To illustrate, Taylor Swift, who is a multi-talented artist in the music industry, can earn over billions of dollars each year by composing, producing, and singing her songs on her own. Moreover, various genres such as old-school hiphop, rock, R&B can be beneficial to mitigating social problems. More precisely, they can make it easier for individuals to express their feelings and opinions on numerous social issues, thus having a positive impact on solving these issues. For instance, old-school hiphop, which originated from African community, can encourage government to come up with policy of equal treatment and anti-racism in African countries through powerful messages in the lyrics.
In conclusion, although some individuals assert that music is simply important of entertaining people, I am more convinced that it also plays a vital role in social development, as people working in music industry can make a massive income and various social issues could also be addressed through music.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "pivotal" -> "integral"
    Explanation: While "pivotal" is not incorrect, "integral" is a more sophisticated term commonly used in academic contexts. It maintains the idea that music is essential without the slight informal connotation of "pivotal."

  2. "solely a means of entertainment" -> "exclusively for entertainment purposes"
    Explanation: "Solely a means of entertainment" is slightly informal. "Exclusively for entertainment purposes" maintains formality and clarity, aligning better with academic writing.

  3. "Initially, people might often listen to musical melodies" -> "Initially, individuals frequently engage in listening to music"
    Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and slightly awkward. Replacing it with a more concise and formal structure improves the sentence’s readability while retaining the intended meaning.

  4. "effective method to uplift their mood after hustle and bustle life" -> "effective means to improve their mood after a hectic life"
    Explanation: The phrase "hustle and bustle life" is idiomatic and informal. Replacing it with "hectic life" maintains clarity. Also, using "means" instead of "method" enhances formality.

  5. "various kinds of music" -> "diverse genres of music"
    Explanation: "Various kinds of music" can be expressed more precisely as "diverse genres of music," which is a more formal and academic expression.

  6. "Take pop music, which is one of the most prominent genres on a global scale, as an illustration" -> "For example, pop music, a globally renowned genre, exemplifies this."
    Explanation: The revised sentence is more concise and academically appropriate, avoiding unnecessary phrases and maintaining clarity.

  7. "bring positive vibes" -> "generate positive emotions/atmosphere"
    Explanation: "Positive vibes" is a colloquial expression. Substituting it with a more formal alternative like "generate positive emotions/atmosphere" maintains the academic tone.

  8. "feel joyful and entertained" -> "experience joy and entertainment"
    Explanation: While the original phrase is acceptable, the revised wording is slightly more formal and aligned with an academic tone.

  9. "make a handsome profit" -> "generate substantial revenue"
    Explanation: "Make a handsome profit" is a bit informal. The suggested alternative, "generate substantial revenue," maintains formality.

  10. "multi-talented artist" -> "versatile artist"
    Explanation: "Multi-talented" is slightly informal; "versatile artist" is a more sophisticated and commonly used term in academic contexts.

  11. "can earn over billions of dollars each year" -> "can generate annual revenues exceeding billions of dollars"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured. The suggested alternative provides a more formal and clearer presentation of the idea.

  12. "First and foremost, it could allow" -> "Primarily, it enables"
    Explanation: The revision maintains formality and improves the sentence’s flow by using a more concise and sophisticated phrase.

  13. "To illustrate" -> "For instance"
    Explanation: "For instance" is a more commonly used and appropriate transition in academic writing.

  14. "can be beneficial to mitigating social problems" -> "can contribute to alleviating social issues"
    Explanation: "Beneficial to mitigating" is a bit awkward. The alternative phrase is more precise and formal.

  15. "they can make it easier for individuals to express their feelings and opinions on numerous social issues" -> "they facilitate individuals’ expression of feelings and opinions on various social issues"
    Explanation: The revised wording is more concise and maintains a formal tone while improving clarity.

  16. "come up with policy of equal treatment" -> "formulate policies promoting equal treatment"
    Explanation: The revised phrase is more precise and formal, maintaining the academic tone.

  17. "although some individuals assert that music is simply important of entertaining people" -> "while some argue that music primarily serves as entertainment"
    Explanation: The revised phrase is more concise and maintains formality while conveying the same meaning.

  18. "I am more convinced" -> "I am inclined to believe"
    Explanation: "I am more convinced" is slightly informal. The suggested alternative maintains a formal tone.

  19. "music is simply important of entertaining people" -> "music is primarily important for entertaining people"
    Explanation: The revised phrase is more precise and academically appropriate.

  20. "as people working in music industry can make a massive income" -> "given that individuals in the music industry can generate substantial income"
    Explanation: The revised phrase maintains a formal tone and presents the idea more clearly and succinctly.

These alterations aim to enhance the essay’s academic tone by replacing informal or imprecise language with more appropriate and formal expressions commonly used in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "There are differing views on whether music is pivotal to society or not, with some considering music plays an indispensable role in social aspects while others argue it is solely a means of entertainment. This essay will discuss both viewpoints before concluding that the former is more favorable."

    • Giải thích và Gợi ý cải thiện: Your introduction effectively presents the essay topic and your stance, which is commendable. However, it would be beneficial to provide a roadmap for your essay by briefly outlining the main points you will discuss. This will enhance the overall structure and make it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
    • Improved example: "There are varying opinions on the significance of music in society, with some asserting its vital role in social aspects, while others perceive it merely as a form of entertainment. This essay will explore both perspectives before presenting arguments in favor of the former. We will delve into the multifaceted nature of music, discussing its role in entertainment and its impact on social development."
  2. Quoted text: "On the one hand, it is undeniable that music is crucial for entertainment. Initially, people might often listen to musical melodies when they have leisure time. This means listening to their favorite songs might be an effective method to uplift their mood after hustle and bustle life. Furthermore, there are various kinds of music that bring joys to listeners. Take pop music, which is one of the most prominent genres on a global scale, as an illustration. This type of music can bring positive vibes to the listeners, thus making people feel joyful and entertained."

    • Giải thích và Gợi ý cải thiện: While your point about music’s role in entertainment is valid, the development of your idea lacks depth. You briefly touch on the positive effects on mood but could enhance your argument by providing specific examples or personal experiences. For instance, you might share a personal anecdote about how a particular song lifted your spirits during a challenging time, adding a more personal and persuasive touch.
    • Improved example: "On the one hand, music undeniably serves as a source of entertainment. For instance, during moments of leisure, individuals often turn to their favorite tunes as a means of rejuvenation. Personally, I recall a time when a particular song not only uplifted my mood after a hectic day but also provided a comforting escape, highlighting the profound impact music can have on individual well-being."
  3. Quoted text: "On the other hand, I believe that music also plays a significant role in other social aspects. First and foremost, it could allow people to make a handsome profit by creating and performing their musical works. To illustrate, Taylor Swift, who is a multi-talented artist in the music industry, can earn over billions of dollars each year by composing, producing, and singing her songs on her own. Moreover, various genres such as old-school hiphop, rock, R&B can be beneficial to mitigating social problems. More precisely, they can make it easier for individuals to express their feelings and opinions on numerous social issues, thus having a positive impact on solving these issues. For instance, old-school hiphop, which originated from African community, can encourage government to come up with policy of equal treatment and anti-racism in African countries through powerful messages in the lyrics."

    • Giải thích và Gợi ý cải thiện: Your argument regarding the economic benefits of music and its role in addressing social issues is well-founded. However, it would be more effective if you provided specific examples beyond Taylor Swift. Broaden your scope to include diverse artists or share additional instances where music has influenced societal change. This will strengthen your position and showcase a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
    • Improved example: "On the other hand, music extends its impact beyond personal enjoyment to contribute significantly to social aspects. Beyond financial gains for artists like Taylor Swift, various music genres such as old-school hip-hop, rock, and R&B have historically played a crucial role in addressing social issues. For instance, the origins of old-school hip-hop in African communities not only allowed individuals to express their feelings but also became a powerful catalyst for advocating government policies promoting equal treatment and anti-racism across African countries."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a balanced exploration of both perspectives, but enhancing the depth of your examples and providing a clearer roadmap in the introduction would elevate the overall coherence and persuasiveness of your arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating a clear progression throughout. The introduction presents the topic and the main viewpoints effectively. Each paragraph is focused on a distinct aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. The use of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, is generally appropriate, although there are a few instances of underuse. The essay maintains a clear central topic within each paragraph. Paragraphing is generally sufficient and appropriate.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices to strengthen the connection between ideas. Additionally, ensure that the use of cohesive devices is consistent throughout the essay. While paragraphing is generally logical, be vigilant to maintain a consistent flow within and between paragraphs. A more diverse range of vocabulary and sentence structures could also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, showcasing attempts to use less common vocabulary. The writer incorporates various phrases and expressions related to the discussion of music’s role in society and entertainment, albeit with some inaccuracies. The essay maintains coherence and presents arguments effectively, though occasional word choice and collocation errors hinder the fluency and precision expected at higher bands.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource and move towards a higher band, focus on refining word choice and collocation. Use less common vocabulary more accurately and consistently. Pay attention to precision in the selection of words and their fitting contextually within sentences. Additionally, consider a more diverse range of vocabulary to convey nuanced meanings and strengthen the overall impact of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures and accuracy. There is effective use of a variety of complex sentence structures, contributing to the overall fluency of the essay. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing a commendable level of language proficiency. However, there are some minor errors in grammar and punctuation, such as in the phrase "initially, people might often listen," where the use of "might" and "often" together is slightly awkward. Additionally, in the sentence "This means listening to their favorite songs might be an effective method to uplift their mood after hustle and bustle life," there is a lack of clarity in expression.

How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should aim for clearer and more concise expression. Revising sentences for clarity and avoiding redundant phrases, such as "might often," would contribute to a more polished piece. Careful proofreading is recommended to eliminate minor errors and ensure precision in grammar and punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are differing opinions on the significance of music in society, with some asserting its pivotal role in social aspects and others contending that it serves primarily as a source of entertainment. This essay will explore both perspectives before concluding that the former holds more weight.

On one hand, there’s no denying that music is crucial for entertainment. Initially, people often turn to musical melodies during leisure time. Listening to favorite songs can effectively uplift one’s mood after a hectic day. Moreover, diverse genres like pop music, globally prominent, bring joy to listeners, creating a positive and entertaining experience.

On the other hand, I believe that music also plays a significant role in various social aspects. Firstly, it offers opportunities for individuals to earn a substantial income by creating and performing their musical works. For example, Taylor Swift, a versatile artist in the music industry, earns billions annually through composing, producing, and singing her songs independently. Furthermore, genres like old-school hip-hop, rock, and R&B can contribute to addressing social problems. Specifically, these genres make it easier for individuals to express their feelings and opinions on various social issues, thereby positively impacting their resolution. For instance, old-school hip-hop, originating from the African community, can advocate for government policies promoting equal treatment and anti-racism in African countries through powerful messages in the lyrics.

In conclusion, while some argue that music is solely for entertaining people, I am more inclined to believe that it also plays a vital role in social development. Those working in the music industry can earn substantial incomes, and various social issues can be effectively addressed through the influential medium of music.

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