New technologies present children with new possibilities and potential dangers. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of technology on children in today's society

These days, children are becoming easily approachable to modern electronic devices as well as being familiar with the latest features of them. I totally agree that this trend has brought with it both benefits and troubles to the young, which would be explained thoroughly through out my below essay.
On the one hand, the overuse of technology may have a detrimental impact on children's social skills as well as their academic success. Children playing video games excessively may get disconnected from real life. Youngsters who do not communicate, connect, or share with their surroundings will attempt to satisfy all of these demands in a virtual world. Technology may also be a major source of distraction which is detrimental to children’s academic performance. For example, video games and social network would later spill over from their leisure time to study time impairing their academic abilities.
On the other hand, technology can facilitate the development of core competencies such as fine motor abilities and language proficiency. One example is online games, many of which rely on hand-eye coordination and movement quickness. Many computer games also teach attention to detail and the ability to piece together information to solve a task. These critical thinking abilities might be useful later in life while conducting research, producing literary evaluations, and performing other educational and workplace tasks. Early childhood video games can also help children develop their linguistic abilities. According to data from UNICEF, by following game instructions, 90% of examined children learn not only to read but also how to pronounce words and grasp the complexities of language.
In conclusion, despite the negative effects of technology on children's social skills and academic achievement, new devices are still significantly beneficial for youngsters. If being used appropriately, it may substantially increase children’s core abilities.

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Errors and Improvements:

"children are becoming easily approachable to modern electronic devices" -> "children are increasingly becoming acquainted with modern electronic devices"
Explanation: The phrase "easily approachable to" is informal and does not accurately convey the idea of familiarity. "Acquainted with" is a more formal and suitable alternative.
"familiar with the latest features of them" -> "familiar with their latest features"
Explanation: The phrase "familiar with the latest features of them" is redundant and can be simplified to "familiar with their latest features" for better clarity and formality.
"I totally agree" -> "I fully agree"
Explanation: "Totally" is more informal, and using "fully" enhances the formality of the expression in an academic context.
"would be explained thoroughly through out my below essay" -> "will be elaborated upon in the following essay"
Explanation: The phrase "explained thoroughly through out my below essay" is informal. The suggested alternative is more formal and succinctly conveys the same idea.
"On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "On the one hand" is somewhat informal; replacing it with "Firstly" maintains the formal structure of academic writing.
"may get disconnected from real life" -> "might become disconnected from real-life interactions"
Explanation: "May get disconnected" is colloquial; using "might become disconnected from real-life interactions" is more precise and formal.
"try to satisfy all of these demands" -> "attempt to fulfill these demands"
Explanation: "Try to satisfy" can be replaced with "attempt to fulfill" for a more formal tone.
"which is detrimental to children’s academic performance" -> "which detrimentally affects children’s academic performance"
Explanation: "Detrimental to" can be refined to "detrimentally affects" for a more formal and polished expression.
"video games and social network" -> "video games and social networking platforms"
Explanation: "Social network" should be changed to "social networking platforms" to maintain consistency in terminology and formality.
"spill over from their leisure time to study time" -> "intrude into their study time from leisure hours"
Explanation: "Spill over" is colloquial; using "intrude into" provides a more formal and precise description.
"language proficiency" -> "linguistic proficiency"
Explanation: "Linguistic proficiency" is a more formal and accurate term.
"hand-eye coordination and movement quickness" -> "hand-eye coordination and quick motor skills"
Explanation: "Movement quickness" can be replaced with "quick motor skills" for a more precise and formal expression.
"critical thinking abilities might be useful later in life" -> "critical thinking abilities may prove valuable in later life"
Explanation: "Might be useful" can be replaced with "may prove valuable" for a more assertive and formal statement.
"despite the negative effects of technology on children’s social skills and academic achievement" -> "notwithstanding the adverse impact of technology on children’s social skills and academic achievement"
Explanation: The suggested alternative is more formal and maintains clarity in expressing the contrast.
"new devices are still significantly beneficial for youngsters" -> "new devices still provide substantial benefits for youngsters"
Explanation: "Significantly beneficial" can be refined to "provide substantial benefits" for a more formal and nuanced expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of technology on children, providing examples for each perspective. It acknowledges the impact on social skills and academic success, demonstrating a clear understanding of the prompt.
- How to improve: While the essay covers both aspects, a more balanced treatment of the advantages and disadvantages would enhance the response. Encourage a more equal distribution of examples and arguments for both sides.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing agreement with the idea that technology has both benefits and drawbacks for children. The stance is evident in the thesis statement and consistently supported in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: Continue reinforcing the central position by consistently referring back to it in each paragraph. This will enhance the essay’s cohesion and overall clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately and supports them with relevant examples. It effectively illustrates the negative impact on social skills and academic success, as well as the positive influence on fine motor abilities and language proficiency.
- How to improve: To further enhance the essay, provide more depth in the examples. Elaborate on the specific ways technology affects social skills and academic performance, and provide additional instances of how it supports the development of core competencies.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of technology on children. However, some parts could be more focused, especially in the second paragraph where the discussion on academic distraction could be more directly related to technology.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph remains closely tied to the main topic. In the paragraph discussing academic distraction, explicitly connect it back to technology and its impact, providing specific examples related to the essay prompt.

Overall Comments:
The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative effects of technology on children. It maintains a clear position throughout, supported by relevant examples. To improve, strive for a more balanced treatment of advantages and disadvantages, reinforce the central position consistently, provide more depth in examples, and ensure each paragraph is closely tied to the main topic. This will contribute to a more nuanced and well-developed response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the opening sentence could be more concise, and the flow between paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the transition from discussing the disadvantages of technology to its advantages could be more seamless. Additionally, there is room for improvement in presenting a stronger thesis statement at the end of the introduction to guide the reader more effectively through the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider condensing the introduction for greater clarity and conciseness. Additionally, work on strengthening the thesis statement to provide a clear roadmap for the reader. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs, guiding the reader effortlessly through the shift from discussing disadvantages to advantages.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs adequately, but the structure could be refined for better effectiveness. Paragraphs generally focus on specific ideas, such as the negative and positive impacts of technology on children. However, the third paragraph, discussing the benefits of technology, could be more focused. It covers both fine motor abilities and language proficiency, making it less cohesive.
- How to improve: Refine paragraph structure by maintaining a singular focus in each paragraph. In the third paragraph, consider splitting the discussion of fine motor abilities and language proficiency into two separate paragraphs. This will enhance clarity and cohesion, allowing each point to be explored more thoroughly.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in diversifying these devices and using them more consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, the logical connection between sentences within paragraphs could be strengthened for a smoother flow.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance coherence. Use transitional words and phrases more consistently to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This will create a more fluid and cohesive essay. Additionally, pay attention to the logical flow of ideas within paragraphs, ensuring each sentence naturally leads to the next.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, refining the thesis statement, paragraph structure, and cohesive device usage will contribute to a more polished and seamlessly organized response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it includes relevant terms related to the topic, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, words like "troubles" could be replaced with more nuanced alternatives to convey a more precise meaning. Additionally, synonyms and varied expressions could enhance the overall richness of vocabulary.
- How to improve: To elevate the vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms, using more specific terms, and exploring alternative expressions. For example, instead of frequently using "technology," experiment with terms like "digital devices," "electronic gadgets," or "innovative tools" where appropriate.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally clear, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "may have a detrimental impact" could be refined for a more precise expression. Furthermore, terms like "core competencies" and "fine motor abilities" are apt, showcasing a precise understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, consider avoiding vague terms like "may have a detrimental impact" and opt for more specific language. For example, specify the negative effects on social skills or academic performance. Additionally, maintain the use of precise terms such as "core competencies" to convey ideas accurately.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors occur, such as "through out" instead of "throughout" and "competencies" instead of "capabilities." While these errors do not significantly hinder comprehension, polishing spelling accuracy would contribute to a more polished piece.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully, paying attention to common spelling pitfalls. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools can be beneficial in catching and rectifying minor errors. Developing a habit of thorough proofreading will contribute to overall spelling precision.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of vocabulary, but improvements in range and precision, along with heightened attention to spelling accuracy, can elevate the lexical resource score. Experimenting with diverse expressions, choosing more precise terms, and refining spelling will contribute to a more sophisticated and effective use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. Simple and complex sentences are used, but there is room for improvement in diversifying structures further. For instance, the essay relies on a pattern of introducing ideas with "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which could be expanded for a more varied effect. Additionally, there is an opportunity to incorporate more complex sentence structures for enhanced sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance sentence structure variety, consider incorporating compound and complex sentences. Vary the ways ideas are introduced and linked within paragraphs. For instance, instead of consistently using "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," experiment with phrases like "Moreover" or "Conversely." Utilize a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences for a more engaging and polished writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, in the sentence "which would be explained thoroughly through out my below essay," the phrase "through out" should be corrected to "throughout." Additionally, there are a few instances of awkward phrasing, such as "Children playing video games excessively may get disconnected from real life," which could be refined for better clarity.
- How to improve: Focus on meticulous proofreading to catch and rectify grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Pay attention to verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and word choice. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to identify areas for improvement. For the mentioned example, consider rephrasing it as "Excessive video game playing may lead children to disconnect from real-life interactions."

In summary, while the essay demonstrates competence in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By incorporating a broader range of sentence structures and meticulously proofreading for grammatical accuracy, the essay could achieve a more sophisticated and polished presentation.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, children are increasingly becoming acquainted with modern electronic devices, and they are familiar with the latest features of these gadgets. I fully agree that this trend has both advantages and disadvantages for the young, which will be elaborated upon in the following essay.

Firstly, the overuse of technology might become a cause for concern regarding children’s social skills and academic success. When children engage excessively in video games, there is a risk of them becoming disconnected from real-life interactions. Youngsters who do not actively communicate, connect, or share with their immediate surroundings may attempt to fulfill these needs in a virtual world. Additionally, technology can be a significant source of distraction, which detrimentally affects children’s academic performance. For instance, video games and social networking platforms may intrude into their study time, impairing their academic abilities.

On the other hand, technology can play a facilitative role in the development of core competencies such as fine motor abilities and language proficiency. Online games, for instance, often rely on hand-eye coordination and quick motor skills. Many computer games also impart valuable skills such as attention to detail and the ability to piece together information to solve a task. These critical thinking abilities may prove valuable in later life when conducting research, producing literary evaluations, and performing other educational and workplace tasks. Moreover, early childhood exposure to video games can contribute to the development of linguistic proficiency. According to data from UNICEF, 90% of examined children, by following game instructions, not only learn to read but also acquire the ability to pronounce words and grasp the complexities of language.

In conclusion, notwithstanding the adverse impact of technology on children’s social skills and academic achievement, new devices still provide substantial benefits for youngsters. If used appropriately, technology may significantly enhance children’s core abilities.

New technologies present children with new possibilities and potential dangers. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of technology on children in today’s society