nowadays, as role models, famous people have an increasing influence on the young. Is it positive or negative development ?
nowadays, as role models, famous people have an increasing influence on the young. Is it positive or negative development ?
In this modernised period, celebrities are agressively regarded as a desirable person for the young generation to follow. Personally, I contend that this tendency has more positive influence rather than negative one for teenagers.
On the one hand, it is strongly believed by others that the young should not revere well-known inhabitants as role models in their whole life. Numerous influencers follow unhealthy lifestyles, which bolster the use of banned items including tobaccos, and alcohols. These items contain many poisonous ingredients that affect both users and people who are in the vicinity of their locations. In addition, their followers tend to mimic their behaviors regardless of whether or not it could be illegal or acceptable in their countries. As a result, more and more patients encounter the risk of getting cancer because of the poisonous ingredients in tobaccos or electronic cigarettes, and that trend also gives rise to the increase of mortality rates dramatically.
On the other hand, one school of thought firmly holds the view that renowned individuals are more likely to have great impact on those who lack life experience at a young age. Idols inspire their fans to give assistance to the underprivileged who comes from the poor socio-economic background. A good example of this is Do Mixi, the noted streamer in Vietnam. When this philanthropist puts more resources into running campaigns to erect more educational institutions at mountainous areas, their advocates supported his project by donating money through online platforms as a way to contribute to the success of these programs as well as improve the qualities of life in remote areas in this developing nation. As a result, a large number of Vietnamese students have the opportunity to get exposure to education, and make the illiteracy become less common in the society.
In conclusion, albeit some famous peoples promulgate the erroneous belief and badly affect the society, it is advantageous to some extent that there are some motivations and useful lessons that the celebrities want to impart to their targeted audience. It is advisable for the young to idolize in a way that is selective and carefully before taking actions to support anyone.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In this modernised period" -> "In this modern era"
Explanation: "Modernised" is not the correct term; "modern" is the appropriate adjective to describe the era. The phrase "modern era" is more commonly used in academic writing to refer to contemporary times. -
"agressively regarded" -> "strongly regarded"
Explanation: "Agressively" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "aggressively." However, "strongly regarded" is more precise and appropriate in this context, as it conveys a sense of intensity without the negative connotation of "aggressively." -
"desirable person" -> "desirable figure"
Explanation: "Desirable person" is somewhat vague and informal. "Desirable figure" is more specific and formal, fitting the context better. -
"more positive influence rather than negative one" -> "more positive influence than negative"
Explanation: The phrase "rather than negative one" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "More positive influence than negative" corrects this and maintains the formal tone. -
"it is strongly believed by others" -> "it is widely believed"
Explanation: "It is strongly believed by others" is redundant and verbose. "It is widely believed" simplifies the phrase while maintaining the intended meaning. -
"well-known inhabitants" -> "well-known individuals"
Explanation: "Inhabitants" typically refers to people who live in a place, whereas "individuals" is more appropriate when referring to famous people in a general sense. -
"banned items including tobaccos, and alcohols" -> "banned substances such as tobacco and alcohol"
Explanation: "Items" is too broad and informal for this context. "Substances" is more precise and academically appropriate. Also, "tobaccos" should be "tobacco" and "alcohols" should be "alcohol" for grammatical correctness and clarity. -
"contain many poisonous ingredients" -> "contain numerous toxic substances"
Explanation: "Poisonous ingredients" is somewhat informal and imprecise. "Toxic substances" is more scientifically accurate and formal. -
"more and more patients encounter the risk" -> "an increasing number of individuals face the risk"
Explanation: "More and more patients" is informal and imprecise. "An increasing number of individuals" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. -
"dramatically" -> "significantly"
Explanation: "Dramatically" can imply an emotional connotation, which is less suitable in academic writing. "Significantly" is neutral and more appropriate. -
"renowned individuals" -> "celebrities"
Explanation: "Renowned individuals" is redundant as "renowned" implies well-known. "Celebrities" is a more direct and commonly accepted term in academic contexts. -
"Idols inspire their fans to give assistance" -> "Idols inspire their fans to provide assistance"
Explanation: "Give assistance" is slightly informal and vague. "Provide assistance" is more precise and formal. -
"comes from the poor socio-economic background" -> "come from disadvantaged socio-economic backgrounds"
Explanation: "Comes" should be plural "come" to match the plural subject "who." Also, "disadvantaged socio-economic backgrounds" is more specific and formal than "poor socio-economic background." -
"make the illiteracy become less common" -> "reduce illiteracy"
Explanation: "Make the illiteracy become less common" is awkward and verbose. "Reduce illiteracy" is concise and more direct. -
"famous peoples" -> "celebrities"
Explanation: "Famous peoples" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Celebrities" is the correct term and is more formal. -
"badly affect the society" -> "negatively impact society"
Explanation: "Badly affect" is informal and vague. "Negatively impact" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"there are some motivations and useful lessons" -> "there are certain motivations and valuable lessons"
Explanation: "Some" is vague and informal; "certain" provides a clearer and more formal alternative. "Valuable" is also more precise than "useful" in this context.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding the influence of famous people on the young. It acknowledges that celebrities can have negative effects due to unhealthy behaviors but argues that overall their influence is positive.
- How to improve: The essay could improve by providing a more balanced discussion of the negative impacts of celebrity influence, such as more detailed examples or broader consideration of negative consequences beyond health issues.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that the influence of celebrities on young people is mostly positive, although it briefly acknowledges negative impacts.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly address counterarguments or potential drawbacks of celebrity influence, ensuring the stance is nuanced yet consistent throughout.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with examples, such as Do Mixi’s philanthropic efforts, which illustrate positive impacts of celebrity influence. However, the development of ideas lacks depth and thorough exploration.
- How to improve: To enhance development, the essay could delve deeper into each example, providing more specific details and possibly contrasting examples to better substantiate arguments.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the influence of celebrities on young people, particularly in terms of positive impacts. However, there are instances where the focus drifts slightly, such as the brief mention of cancer risks without further development.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all points contribute directly to the discussion of whether this influence is positive or negative, avoiding tangential discussions that do not directly support the main argument.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of stance, and maintaining focus throughout. Strengthening these aspects would elevate the essay to a higher band score by providing a more nuanced and comprehensive discussion of the topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally clear organization of ideas. It begins with an introduction that outlines the writer’s position, followed by two body paragraphs presenting contrasting viewpoints. The first body paragraph discusses the negative influence of celebrities, while the second discusses their positive impact. Each paragraph maintains a clear focus on its respective argument, with examples provided to support each viewpoint.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Consider using more sophisticated transitions between paragraphs to better connect ideas and maintain coherence throughout the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to structure its arguments. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. This helps in maintaining clarity and coherence within each section of the essay.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph remains focused on one central idea or argument. Avoid introducing new ideas towards the end of paragraphs to maintain consistency and clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices such as "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "albeit," and "in conclusion" are used to organize the essay and indicate shifts between arguments. These devices contribute to the overall coherence by guiding the reader through the writer’s contrasting viewpoints effectively.
- How to improve: While the current cohesive devices are adequate, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., furthermore, moreover, nevertheless) to enhance coherence and demonstrate a more sophisticated control of language.
Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting both positive and negative aspects of celebrities as role models. To achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion (above 6), focus on refining the logical progression of ideas between paragraphs, maintaining consistent paragraph structure, and diversifying the range of cohesive devices used to connect and unify the essay’s arguments.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes terms like "modernised period," "aggressively regarded," "philanthropist," "illiteracy," and "socio-economic background." These terms are generally appropriate and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary further, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "young" or "famous people," explore alternatives like "adolescents" or "public figures." This could add depth and sophistication to your arguments without repeating the same phrases.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, such as in describing influencers’ "unhealthy lifestyles" and the philanthropic efforts of Do Mixi. However, there are instances where language could be more precise, such as the phrase "illiteracy become less common." Precision could be improved by specifying how exactly celebrities affect societal behaviors and norms, offering more nuanced insights rather than general statements.
- How to improve: Focus on defining terms clearly and using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. For instance, instead of stating that celebrities "promulgate the erroneous belief," specify what beliefs or ideologies are being promoted and how they influence societal attitudes.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally good throughout the essay, with only minor errors like "agressively" instead of "aggressively" and "promulgate" instead of "promote." These errors do not significantly detract from the overall clarity of the writing.
- How to improve: To further improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools or proofreading techniques to catch minor mistakes before finalizing your essay. Additionally, reviewing common spelling rules and patterns can help reinforce accurate spelling in your writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of vocabulary and spelling, there is room for improvement in expanding the range of vocabulary used and ensuring precision in expression. By refining these aspects, you can enhance the clarity and impact of your arguments in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It includes simple sentences, some complex sentences (e.g., "Idols inspire their fans to give assistance to the underprivileged who comes from the poor socio-economic background"), and a few compound-complex structures. However, there is room for improvement in utilizing more sophisticated syntactical constructions such as conditional sentences, passive voice, and complex noun phrases to enhance coherence and variety.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more conditional sentences to speculate or present alternatives (e.g., "If celebrities were to advocate healthier lifestyles, their influence could be more positive."). Additionally, integrating passive voice strategically (e.g., "Efforts were made to support educational initiatives in remote areas.") can vary the sentence structure. Lastly, employing complex noun phrases (e.g., "The promotion of educational initiatives in underserved regions") can add depth and clarity to your arguments.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally maintains coherence through clear topic sentences and logical progression, there are noticeable issues with grammatical accuracy and punctuation. For instance, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("celebrities want to impart"), articles ("the noted streamer in Vietnam"), and punctuation marks such as commas, affecting sentence clarity and flow.
- How to improve: Focus on revising for subject-verb agreement consistently throughout the essay (e.g., "celebrities want to impart" should be corrected to "celebrities want to impart"). Review the use of articles (definite and indefinite) to ensure they align with the nouns they modify. Moreover, pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly with commas, to clarify sentence boundaries and aid comprehension. Practicing proofreading with attention to these specific areas will enhance grammatical accuracy and overall coherence.
In summary, while the essay exhibits a commendable range of sentence structures and generally coherent arguments, improvements in sentence variety and grammatical accuracy will elevate the clarity and sophistication of your writing. Focus on incorporating more diverse sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy through targeted practice and careful proofreading.
Bài sửa mẫu
In this modern era, celebrities are widely regarded as desirable figures for young people to emulate. Personally, I believe that this trend generally has a more positive influence than negative on teenagers.
On the one hand, some argue against idolizing well-known individuals throughout one’s life. Many influencers lead unhealthy lifestyles, promoting the use of banned substances such as tobacco and alcohol. These products contain numerous toxic substances that not only harm users but also endanger those around them. Moreover, followers often mimic their behaviors, regardless of their legality or appropriateness in their respective societies. Consequently, an increasing number of individuals face significant health risks, including heightened cancer rates due to the harmful ingredients in tobacco and electronic cigarettes, thereby contributing to rising mortality rates.
On the other hand, it is widely believed that celebrities can profoundly impact young people who lack life experience. Idols inspire their fans to provide assistance to those from disadvantaged socio-economic backgrounds. A notable example is Do Mixi, a prominent streamer in Vietnam, who channels resources into establishing educational institutions in remote mountainous areas. Supporters contribute to these efforts by donating money through online platforms, thereby enhancing educational opportunities and combating illiteracy in these regions.
In conclusion, despite certain celebrities promoting detrimental beliefs that negatively impact society, there are valuable motivations and lessons that some celebrities seek to impart to their audiences. Therefore, it is advisable for young people to selectively choose whom they idolize and consider carefully before taking actions to support anyone.