Nowadays celebrities are more known for their glamour and wealth than for their achievement, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays artists are more known for their money rather than their talent and this sets a bad effect to youngsters. In my opinion, I disagree with the former opinion but agree with the latter one.
First of all, many celebrities are always develop their talent instead of flexing their money. The key reason is that some artists pay more attention on their achievement. They have been working really hard to achieve their goals when they success and get paid that is worth their value and they can upgrade their outer appearance to become more glamorous and also get a huge fan from their talent. However, this is only the right case if the artists put their effort in making art, glamour and wealth are more justifiable compared to their achievement. Therefore, they can inspire youngsters to work harder and become the better version instead of showing off their money and cars without talent and passion.
On the other hand, many artists are well-known for their glamorous lifestyle, which is not come from hard work. It sets a bad example for kids when the artists focus too much on their look instead of the right attitude towards producing artworks. Take The Kardashians for example, they build reality show in negative way from showing their argument and partying which are not healthy behaviors for children to learn. Another example, rappers who only flex about money and cars and drugs with nonsense music but still on trending because of the instrumental. It lead to kids being affected by such disrespect attitude. In a long run, their mindset start acting like those rappers and they tend to look down on some life’s aspect.
In conclusion, the stars should hard-working and attempt to developing their talent instead of flexing their money. Their effect give the kids good impression and give them a good perspective in their future life.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays artists are more known for their money rather than their talent" -> "Currently, artists are more recognized for their financial success than their artistic talent"
Explanation: Replacing "Nowadays" with "Currently" and "more known" with "more recognized" refines the tone to be more formal and precise. "Financial success" is a more specific term than "money," which is vague and informal in this context.
"this sets a bad effect to youngsters" -> "this has a detrimental effect on young people"
Explanation: "Sets a bad effect" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Has a detrimental effect on" is grammatically correct and more formal, and "young people" is a more appropriate term than "youngsters."
"In my opinion, I disagree with the former opinion but agree with the latter one" -> "I disagree with the notion that artists are more recognized for their financial success than their artistic talent, but I concur with the view that they should focus on their artistic abilities"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the disagreement and agreement, and uses more formal language.
"many celebrities are always develop their talent" -> "many celebrities consistently develop their talents"
Explanation: "Always develop" is grammatically incorrect. "Consistently develop" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"pay more attention on their achievement" -> "focus more on their achievements"
Explanation: "Pay more attention on" is grammatically incorrect. "Focus more on" is the correct phrase, and "achievements" is plural to match the context.
"when they success and get paid that is worth their value" -> "when they achieve success and receive compensation commensurate with their value"
Explanation: "When they success" is grammatically incorrect. "When they achieve success" is correct. "Receive compensation commensurate with their value" is more formal and precise than "get paid that is worth their value."
"upgrade their outer appearance to become more glamorous" -> "enhance their physical appearance to become more glamorous"
Explanation: "Upgrade their outer appearance" is somewhat awkward and informal. "Enhance their physical appearance" is more precise and formal.
"get a huge fan from their talent" -> "gain a large following due to their talent"
Explanation: "Get a huge fan" is informal and imprecise. "Gain a large following" is more formal and accurate.
"It sets a bad example for kids" -> "It sets a poor example for children"
Explanation: "Kids" is informal; "children" is more appropriate in formal writing. "Poor" is a more formal synonym for "bad."
"build reality show in negative way" -> "produce reality shows in a negative manner"
Explanation: "Build reality show in negative way" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Produce reality shows in a negative manner" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"showing their argument and partying" -> "displaying their disagreements and partying"
Explanation: "Showing their argument" is unclear and informal. "Displaying their disagreements" is clearer and more formal.
"It lead to kids being affected by such disrespect attitude" -> "This leads to children being influenced by such disrespectful attitudes"
Explanation: "It lead" is grammatically incorrect. "This leads" is correct. "Disrespect attitude" is grammatically incorrect; "disrespectful attitudes" is plural and correct. "Influenced" is more precise than "affected."
"their mindset start acting like those rappers" -> "their mindset begins to emulate those rappers"
Explanation: "Their mindset start acting" is grammatically incorrect. "Their mindset begins to emulate" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"they tend to look down on some life’s aspect" -> "they tend to undervalue certain aspects of life"
Explanation: "Look down on some life’s aspect" is awkward and unclear. "Undervalue certain aspects of life" is clearer and more formal.
"hard-working and attempt to developing their talent" -> "diligent and strive to develop their talents"
Explanation: "Hard-working and attempt to developing" is grammatically incorrect. "Diligent and strive to develop" is grammatically correct and more formal. "Talents" should be plural to match the context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding celebrities’ influence on youth. The writer expresses disagreement with the notion that celebrities are primarily known for their wealth and glamour, while agreeing that this sets a bad example. However, the response could be clearer in delineating these two positions. For instance, the phrase "I disagree with the former opinion but agree with the latter one" could be more explicitly tied to the specific arguments presented in the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly outline their stance on both aspects of the question in the introduction. This could involve rephrasing the thesis statement to explicitly state the extent of agreement or disagreement with each part of the prompt, ensuring that the reader understands the writer’s position from the outset.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, but it lacks consistency. The writer states their disagreement with the idea that celebrities are only known for their wealth, yet the examples provided often highlight the negative influence of wealth-focused celebrities. For instance, the mention of The Kardashians and rappers primarily emphasizes the negative aspects of celebrity culture, which could confuse the reader about the writer’s overall stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently refer back to their thesis throughout the essay. They could use transitional phrases to reinforce their stance, such as "While I acknowledge that some celebrities focus on their wealth, it is crucial to recognize those who inspire through their talent." This would help clarify the argument and ensure that the reader understands the writer’s viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the hard work of some celebrities and the negative influence of others. However, the development of these ideas is often superficial. For example, the discussion on celebrities who work hard lacks specific examples or details that could strengthen the argument. Additionally, the mention of The Kardashians and rappers, while relevant, could benefit from deeper analysis regarding their impact on youth.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should provide more specific examples and elaborate on them. This could involve discussing particular achievements of celebrities who inspire youth or analyzing the broader societal implications of celebrity culture. Including statistics or studies on youth behavior influenced by celebrities could also lend credibility to the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the influence of celebrities on young people. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly in the second paragraph, where the discussion of "flexing money" could be more tightly connected to the overall argument about how this sets a bad example. The phrase "it lead to kids being affected by such disrespect attitude" could be more clearly linked to the earlier points about celebrity influence.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly ties back to the central argument. Using topic sentences that clearly relate to the thesis can help keep the discussion on track. Additionally, summarizing how each point contributes to the overall argument at the end of each paragraph can reinforce the relevance of the ideas presented.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity, coherence, and overall effectiveness of their essay, potentially achieving a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the influence of celebrities on young people, structured around two main points: the positive contributions of some artists and the negative examples set by others. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing positive role models to negative influences is somewhat abrupt. The first paragraph introduces the idea of artists developing their talent but does not clearly connect this to the subsequent discussion about the negative impact of celebrity culture.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, transitional phrases such as "On the contrary" or "Conversely" can help signal shifts in argument, making it easier for the reader to follow the progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. For example, the first paragraph mixes two distinct ideas: the positive development of talent and the negative consequences of glamour. This could confuse readers about the main point of the paragraph.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. Consider splitting the first paragraph into two: one focusing on the positive aspects of talent development and the other addressing the negative impact of celebrity culture. This will create a clearer structure and make the argument more compelling.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all" and "on the other hand," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For example, "instead of" appears multiple times, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "for instance." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a greater command of language. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas rather than merely to connect sentences.

By focusing on these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "glamour," "wealth," "achievement," and "talent" being used appropriately. However, the repetition of phrases such as "flexing their money" and "glamorous lifestyle" indicates a limited lexical variety. Additionally, phrases like "the right case" and "a huge fan from their talent" are somewhat awkward and could benefit from more varied expression.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "glamorous," alternatives such as "opulent," "extravagant," or "lavish" could be employed. Additionally, varying sentence structures and incorporating idiomatic expressions could enrich the essay’s lexical diversity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "bad effect" which could be more accurately expressed as "negative influence." The phrase "the right attitude towards producing artworks" is vague and could be clarified. Furthermore, "it lead to kids being affected by such disrespect attitude" contains grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detracts from clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using specific terms that convey their intended meaning more clearly. For example, instead of "bad effect," using "negative impact" or "detrimental influence" would be more precise. Additionally, reviewing grammar and sentence structure can help ensure that the vocabulary used fits the context accurately.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "artists are more known" (should be "are better known"), "develop" (should be "developing"), and "lead" (should be "leads"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing short paragraphs and using spell-check tools. Additionally, reviewing commonly misspelled words and creating flashcards can help reinforce correct spelling. Reading more extensively can also improve spelling through exposure to correctly spelled words in context.

By addressing these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of "First of all" and "On the other hand" indicates an attempt to organize ideas clearly. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar structure, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. Phrases like "many celebrities are always develop their talent" contain grammatical errors that detract from the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that combine ideas. For example, instead of saying "many celebrities are always develop their talent," you could say, "While many celebrities strive to develop their talents, others focus primarily on their wealth." Additionally, using a variety of introductory phrases and clauses can enhance the complexity of your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, "artists are more known for their money rather than their talent" should be "artists are better known for their money than for their talent." The phrase "which is not come from hard work" is incorrect and should be "which does not come from hard work." Furthermore, there are missing commas that could help clarify meaning, such as before "which" in "which are not healthy behaviors."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, review the rules for verb forms and subject-verb agreement. For instance, ensure that verbs match their subjects in number and tense. Additionally, practice using punctuation correctly, particularly with clauses and lists. Reading your essay aloud can help identify areas where punctuation may be needed for clarity. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers to catch errors before finalizing your work.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of grammatical structures, there is significant room for improvement in both the range of sentence types and grammatical accuracy. Focusing on these areas will help elevate your writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Nowadays, artists are more recognized for their wealth rather than their talent, and this has a detrimental effect on young people. In my opinion, I disagree with the notion that artists are primarily known for their financial success, but I concur with the view that this focus sets a poor example for the younger generation.

First of all, many celebrities consistently develop their talents instead of merely flaunting their wealth. The key reason is that some artists focus more on their achievements. They work diligently to reach their goals, and when they achieve success and receive compensation commensurate with their value, they can enhance their physical appearance to become more glamorous and gain a large following due to their talent. However, this is only the case if the artists put their effort into making art; otherwise, glamour and wealth become unjustifiable compared to their achievements. Therefore, they can inspire youngsters to work harder and strive to become better versions of themselves, rather than simply showing off their money and cars without any real talent or passion.

On the other hand, many artists are well-known for their glamorous lifestyles, which do not stem from hard work. This sets a bad example for children when artists focus too much on their looks instead of cultivating the right attitude towards producing meaningful artworks. Take the Kardashians, for example; they produce reality shows in a negative manner by displaying their disagreements and partying, which are unhealthy behaviors for children to emulate. Another example is rappers who only boast about money, cars, and drugs through nonsensical lyrics, yet remain popular due to catchy instrumentals. This leads to children being influenced by such disrespectful attitudes. In the long run, their mindset begins to emulate those rappers, and they tend to undervalue certain aspects of life.

In conclusion, stars should work hard and strive to develop their talents instead of merely flaunting their wealth. Their influence can leave a positive impression on children and provide them with a healthier perspective for their future lives.