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Nowadays, in many countries, there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. From my perspective, I suppose that the main cause of those who are employed is a work environment and a lack of practical experience. Firstly, people who have experience can be better than people who begin in the same field. This is because The manager prioritizes staff who have experience and they do not want to meet the risk from people who after graduation in university. Moreover, young people who want to work in some business can be competitive with old employees. Because in the company, they muse to compete with others to have a higher location in the business and improve their life by having more salary in their business. Secondly, another factor comes from an extreme job market or crowded people making a shortage of work. Due to the economy of a country not being enough to demand work for their residents and difficulty in creating more work for people who are unemployed. Therefore, more and more people who have highly qualified graduates become unemployed and this is negative for the development of a country. So the good way to solve this problem is for the government should invest in the construction of work to create more work for their residents and suitable with young people after graduation from university. Moreover, this policy can promote the development of the economy and create a diversity of work, which reduces people who are unemployed and brings many benefits to the country and its citizens. In conclusion, there are many factors that make people with high qualifications become unemployed. So, a good solution to improve this problem is creating more work and gaining more practical experience

Nowadays, in many countries, there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. From my perspective, I suppose that the main cause of those who are employed is a work environment and a lack of practical experience.
Firstly, people who have experience can be better than people who begin in the same field. This is because The manager prioritizes staff who have experience and they do not want to meet the risk from people who after graduation in university. Moreover, young people who want to work in some business can be competitive with old employees. Because in the company, they muse to compete with others to have a higher location in the business and improve their life by having more salary in their business. Secondly, another factor comes from an extreme job market or crowded people making a shortage of work. Due to the economy of a country not being enough to demand work for their residents and difficulty in creating more work for people who are unemployed. Therefore, more and more people who have highly qualified graduates become unemployed and this is negative for the development of a country.
So the good way to solve this problem is for the government should invest in the construction of work to create more work for their residents and suitable with young people after graduation from university. Moreover, this policy can promote the development of the economy and create a diversity of work, which reduces people who are unemployed and brings many benefits to the country and its citizens.
In conclusion, there are many factors that make people with high qualifications become unemployed. So, a good solution to improve this problem is creating more work and gaining more practical experience

Nowadays, in many countries, there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. From my perspective, I suppose that the main cause of those who are employed is a work environment and a lack of practical experience.
Firstly, people who have experience can be better than people who begin in the same field. This is because The manager prioritizes staff who have experience and they do not want to meet the risk from people who after graduation in university. Moreover, young people who want to work in some business can be competitive with old employees. Because in the company, they muse to compete with others to have a higher location in the business and improve their life by having more salary in their business. Secondly, another factor comes from an extreme job market or crowded people making a shortage of work. Due to the economy of a country not being enough to demand work for their residents and difficulty in creating more work for people who are unemployed. Therefore, more and more people who have highly qualified graduates become unemployed and this is negative for the development of a country.
So the good way to solve this problem is for the government should invest in the construction of work to create more work for their residents and suitable with young people after graduation from university. Moreover, this policy can promote the development of the economy and create a diversity of work, which reduces people who are unemployed and brings many benefits to the country and its citizens.
In conclusion, there are many factors that make people with high qualifications become unemployed. So, a good solution to improve this problem is creating more works and gaining more practical experiences


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Nowadays, in many countries, there are many highly qualified graduates without employment." -> "Currently, in numerous countries, a substantial number of highly qualified graduates face unemployment."
    Explanation: The suggested change introduces a more formal adverb ("currently") and rephrases the sentence to provide a more sophisticated structure, avoiding redundancy in the use of "many."

  2. "From my perspective, I suppose that the main cause of those who are employed is a work environment and a lack of practical experience." -> "From my perspective, I posit that the primary reason for unemployment among highly qualified graduates is the work environment and a deficiency in practical experience."
    Explanation: The revision employs more precise and formal language by replacing "suppose" with "posit" and enhances clarity by specifying that the concern is unemployment rather than employment.

  3. "This is because The manager prioritizes staff who have experience and they do not want to meet the risk from people who after graduation in university." -> "This is because managers prioritize individuals with experience and are averse to the potential risks associated with hiring recent university graduates."
    Explanation: The suggested changes eliminate redundancy, utilize the plural form of "manager," and enhance clarity by specifying the risk associated with hiring recent university graduates.

  4. "Moreover, young people who want to work in some business can be competitive with old employees." -> "Furthermore, young professionals aspiring to enter the workforce can compete with their more seasoned counterparts."
    Explanation: The revision uses "furthermore" for a smoother transition and replaces "some business" with "the workforce" for a more precise and formal expression.

  5. "Because in the company, they muse to compete with others to have a higher location in the business and improve their life by having more salary in their business." -> "Within the company, they strive to compete for advancement, aiming for higher positions and enhanced financial well-being through increased salaries."
    Explanation: The suggested changes eliminate the informal use of "muse" and provide a more refined expression for the competitive nature within a company.

  6. "Secondly, another factor comes from an extreme job market or crowded people making a shortage of work." -> "Secondly, another contributing factor arises from an oversaturated job market, leading to a scarcity of employment opportunities."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses "contributing factor" for a more formal expression and replaces "extreme job market" with "oversaturated job market" for clarity and precision.

  7. "Due to the economy of a country not being enough to demand work for their residents and difficulty in creating more work for people who are unemployed." -> "Due to the inadequacy of a country’s economy in generating sufficient employment opportunities for its residents and the challenge in creating additional jobs for the unemployed."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by rephrasing the sentence for a clearer and more concise expression.

  8. "So the good way to solve this problem is for the government should invest in the construction of work to create more work for their residents and suitable with young people after graduation from university." -> "A viable solution to address this issue is for the government to invest in infrastructure development, thereby generating more employment opportunities for residents, particularly catering to young graduates entering the workforce."
    Explanation: The revision provides a more formal structure, replaces "construction of work" with "infrastructure development," and improves clarity by specifying the target audience as young graduates entering the workforce.

  9. "Moreover, this policy can promote the development of the economy and create a diversity of work, which reduces people who are unemployed and brings many benefits to the country and its citizens." -> "Furthermore, this policy can stimulate economic development, diversify employment opportunities, mitigate unemployment, and confer numerous benefits upon the country and its citizens."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and precision, offering a more sophisticated expression of the positive outcomes resulting from the proposed policy.

  10. "In conclusion, there are many factors that make people with high qualifications become unemployed." -> "In conclusion, numerous factors contribute to the unemployment of individuals with high qualifications."
    Explanation: The revision introduces a more formal and concise expression by specifying "numerous factors" and using "contribute to" for clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt by discussing the main causes of unemployment among highly qualified graduates and proposing a solution. The analysis is clear and covers the key elements of the question.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more specific examples or illustrations that directly relate to the points made. This can further strengthen your argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, asserting that the main causes of unemployment are the work environment and lack of practical experience. The stance is clear, and each paragraph contributes to reinforcing this position.
    • How to improve: While the position is clear, consider introducing a more nuanced perspective by addressing potential counterarguments. This can add depth to your analysis and showcase a more comprehensive understanding of the issue.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas logically, with examples to support each point. The discussion on the importance of experience and the impact of a crowded job market is well-developed.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the essay, elaborate on specific examples or provide evidence that directly supports your points. This will add richness to your arguments and make your analysis more convincing.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the causes of unemployment and proposing a solution. However, there are instances where the ideas could be more focused and directly related to the main argument.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph and sentence directly contributes to the overall argument. Avoid tangential discussions that may distract from the main points. Revising for clarity and coherence can help maintain a sharper focus.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a clear position and supporting ideas with relevant examples. To improve, consider providing more specific examples, addressing potential counterarguments, and ensuring a more focused discussion. Overall, a well-structured and coherent response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that presents the issue of unemployment among highly qualified graduates. The body paragraphs provide two main reasons for unemployment and a proposed solution, concluding with a brief summary. However, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from discussing experience to job market conditions feels abrupt. Additionally, the conclusion could be more comprehensive, summarizing the main points more explicitly.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second body paragraph, signaling the shift in focus. In the conclusion, restate the key reasons and the proposed solution for a more cohesive summary.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but the structure could be more refined. The first paragraph introduces the issue, while the following two paragraphs discuss reasons for unemployment. The final paragraph proposes a solution and concludes the essay. While the division of ideas is generally clear, the second body paragraph is lengthy and could benefit from further subdivision to improve readability and organization.
    • How to improve: Break down the second body paragraph into smaller paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. This will make the content more digestible for the reader and improve the overall structure of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as linking words like "Firstly" and "Secondly" to indicate the sequence of ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and precision of cohesive devices. For instance, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother with the use of more sophisticated cohesive devices, such as "Furthermore" or "In addition."
    • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used, including transitions within paragraphs to create a more seamless connection between ideas. This will enhance the overall coherence of the essay and contribute to a more sophisticated writing style.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there are instances of varied word choices, there is room for improvement. For example, the repetition of phrases like "people who" and "after graduation in university" could be diversified for a richer expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring different ways to convey ideas. Replace repetitive phrases with more specific and diverse terms. For instance, instead of consistently using "people who," experiment with alternatives like "individuals who" or "professionals that."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The use of vocabulary is generally clear, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, in the phrase "they do not want to meet the risk," it could be more precise to say "they want to avoid the risk." Additionally, the phrase "muse to compete" may be unclear and could benefit from more precise language.
    • How to improve: Strive for clarity and precision by choosing words that convey your meaning accurately. In the mentioned instances, consider using clearer alternatives, such as "they want to avoid the risk associated with hiring inexperienced individuals" and "strive to compete" instead of "muse to compete."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a noticeable level of spelling accuracy, but there are some errors, such as "those who are employed" instead of "those who are unemployed" and "more works" instead of "more work." These errors slightly impact the overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to details during proofreading to catch spelling errors. Use tools like spell-check and consider reading the essay aloud to identify and correct any overlooked mistakes. Additionally, be mindful of word choice to ensure accurate expression, avoiding unintentional errors like "more works," which should be corrected to "more work."

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks diversity in sentence structures, relying heavily on simple and compound sentences. For instance, there’s a consistent use of basic sentence structures like "Subject-Verb-Object." The limited variety diminishes the overall sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating complex and compound-complex sentences. Introduce relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied sentence lengths to demonstrate a more nuanced command of English. For example, instead of relying on simple sentences, experiment with complex structures like "While X, Y" or "Although A, B."
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several grammatical errors throughout the essay that affect clarity. For instance, there is a recurring misuse of articles ("those who are employed" should be "those who are unemployed"), subject-verb agreement issues ("muse" should be "must"), and inconsistent verb tenses ("become" should be "becomes" in the last sentence).
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread your essays to catch and correct grammar mistakes. Focus on mastering articles, ensuring subject-verb agreement, and maintaining consistent verb tenses. Additionally, pay attention to sentence structures, as errors in these areas can impede the reader’s understanding. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-check tools to identify and rectify these issues.

It’s important to note that while the essay effectively conveys the main ideas, improving grammatical range and accuracy will contribute significantly to achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, in numerous countries, a significant number of highly qualified graduates face unemployment. From my perspective, I posit that the primary reason for unemployment among highly qualified graduates is the work environment and a deficiency in practical experience.

Firstly, individuals with prior experience often outperform those who are just starting in the same field. Managers prioritize individuals with experience and are averse to the potential risks associated with hiring recent university graduates. Moreover, young professionals aspiring to enter the workforce find themselves in competition with their more seasoned counterparts. Within the company, they strive to compete for advancement, aiming for higher positions and enhanced financial well-being through increased salaries.

Secondly, another contributing factor arises from an oversaturated job market, leading to a scarcity of employment opportunities. Due to the inadequacy of a country’s economy in generating sufficient employment opportunities for its residents and the challenge in creating additional jobs for the unemployed.

A viable solution to address this issue is for the government to invest in infrastructure development, thereby generating more employment opportunities for residents, particularly catering to young graduates entering the workforce. Furthermore, this policy can stimulate economic development, diversify employment opportunities, mitigate unemployment, and confer numerous benefits upon the country and its citizens.

In conclusion, numerous factors contribute to the unemployment of individuals with high qualifications. Addressing these challenges requires a multifaceted approach, including prioritizing practical experience and investing in infrastructure development to create more job opportunities for young graduates.

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