Nowadays many people have access to computers and a large number of children enjoy playing video games. What are the advantages and disadvantages of playing video games for children? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays many people have access to computers and a large number of children enjoy playing video games. What are the advantages and disadvantages of playing video games for children?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The world is modernized in days, it caused many good and bad things following, such as the technology is more wide and diverse. Nowadays, playing video games is a controversial topic that often divides opinion. This essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of this problem.

First of all, the benefits of playing video games are improved patience and relaxation after a whole day of hard work. When playing games, players need to pay attention to the games for winning. Humans tend to almost want to pass the challenge so that if players lose the game, they will want to play it again until they win or climb up the higher level. The feeling when the goal is achieved may cause relaxation, because players are satisfied with their needs. Patience and relaxation helped children recover their spirit to attempt to accomplish the targets which were set before. Beside that, positive feelings which are produced from relaxation can also make children enjoy more activity and improve their social skills.

On the other hand, playing video games may bring lots of problems below. Such as mental health (eg: eyesight) and some situations, children separate them out of the world. Our eyes need to extremely focus on the screen for a long time and cause eyestrain. Eyestrain is when your eyes feel very tired and need to rest. There is an investigation that shows the number of short-sighted children in Viet Nam is near 50%. Playing video games in places where there aren't enough lights and the distance between eyes and equipment is too close is another reason for eyestrain. There are some children who play video games in their room and stay there all day. They don’t mind going outside and communicating with people, which may change them into autism. Some of them can fight their parents if they tell them to go outside or do some exercise. Not only that, playing too many video games can also affect their score at school.

Playing video games is necessary to relax after study and improve patience also, but if children play too much and in unsuitable places can bring lots of negative things too. All of things have both sides, good and bad, it is based on the way we effectuate so do not change the way we relax into the reason for our problem. In my opinion, children can play video games but need to be limited and parents should control the time they play.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The world is modernized in days" -> "The world has become increasingly modernized over recent years"
   Explanation: The phrase "in days" is overly simplistic and informal for academic writing. The suggested revision clarifies the timeframe and enhances the formality of the statement.

2. "it caused many good and bad things following" -> "it has led to numerous positive and negative consequences"
   Explanation: "it caused many good and bad things following" is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revised phrase corrects the grammar and uses more precise vocabulary suitable for academic writing.

3. "the technology is more wide and diverse" -> "technology has become more widespread and diverse"
   Explanation: "the technology is more wide and diverse" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the grammar and enhances clarity.

4. "playing video games is a controversial topic" -> "the playing of video games is a contentious issue"
   Explanation: "playing video games is a controversial topic" is a bit informal and vague. "The playing of video games is a contentious issue" is more formal and precise.

5. "improved patience and relaxation" -> "enhanced patience and relaxation"
   Explanation: "improved" is a bit generic; "enhanced" is more specific and academically appropriate in this context.

6. "Humans tend to almost want to pass the challenge" -> "Individuals often strive to overcome challenges"
   Explanation: "Humans tend to almost want to pass the challenge" is awkward and informal. "Individuals often strive to overcome challenges" is clearer and more formal.

7. "Beside that" -> "Furthermore"
   Explanation: "Beside that" is informal and vague. "Furthermore" is a more appropriate transitional phrase for academic writing.

8. "positive feelings which are produced from relaxation" -> "positive emotions generated by relaxation"
   Explanation: "positive feelings which are produced from relaxation" is verbose and awkward. "Positive emotions generated by relaxation" is more concise and academically precise.

9. "may bring lots of problems below" -> "may pose numerous challenges"
   Explanation: "bring lots of problems below" is informal and unclear. "Pose numerous challenges" is more formal and precise.

10. "eyestrain is when your eyes feel very tired and need to rest" -> "eyestrain occurs when the eyes become excessively fatigued and require rest"
    Explanation: The original phrase is too conversational and lacks precision. The revision provides a more formal and detailed description.

11. "There is an investigation that shows" -> "Research indicates"
    Explanation: "There is an investigation that shows" is informal and vague. "Research indicates" is more specific and academically appropriate.

12. "Playing video games in places where there aren’t enough lights and the distance between eyes and equipment is too close" -> "Playing video games in inadequately lit environments with insufficient eye-distance from the equipment"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The revision clarifies and formalizes the description.

13. "can also affect their score at school" -> "can also impact their academic performance"
    Explanation: "affect their score at school" is informal and vague. "Impact their academic performance" is more precise and formal.

14. "Playing video games is necessary to relax after study and improve patience also" -> "Playing video games can serve as a means of relaxation after study and enhance patience"
    Explanation: The original sentence is awkwardly phrased and informal. The revision clarifies and formalizes the statement.

15. "if children play too much and in unsuitable places can bring lots of negative things too" -> "excessive and unsuitable video game use can lead to numerous negative consequences"
    Explanation: The original sentence is informal and lacks precision. The revision is more formal and clearly communicates the potential negative outcomes.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both advantages and disadvantages of children playing video games. It discusses improved patience, relaxation, and positive social effects as benefits. However, it primarily focuses on the disadvantages such as eyestrain, social isolation, and academic impact.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should ensure a more balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages. It could provide clearer examples for each point and expand on how video games impact children socially and academically.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position against excessive video game playing due to its negative impacts on health, social interaction, and academic performance. However, the stance is not consistently maintained throughout, as there are moments where benefits are highlighted.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should establish a firm stance early on and maintain it consistently throughout the essay. Clear transitions can help navigate between discussing advantages and disadvantages while reinforcing the overall position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented, but they lack depth and development. For instance, while it mentions benefits like improved patience and relaxation, it doesn’t provide detailed examples or studies to support these claims. Similarly, the negative impacts are mentioned broadly without specific elaboration.
  • How to improve: The essay should provide specific examples, statistics, or studies to support each point. It could benefit from deeper analysis of how video games affect children’s behavior, academic performance, and social skills. This would strengthen the argument and make it more persuasive.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of children playing video games. However, it occasionally veers into broader discussions about technology and relaxation without directly tying them back to the specific prompt about video games.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that every point made relates directly to the prompt about video games. Avoiding tangential discussions about technology in general will help maintain relevance and coherence.

In summary, while the essay effectively discusses both sides of the issue of children playing video games, it could benefit from more balanced and detailed exploration of the topic. Strengthening the argument with specific examples, maintaining a clear and consistent position, and staying focused on the specific prompt will help improve the overall coherence and persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to follow a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the coherence suffers from issues such as abrupt shifts between ideas and unclear progression within paragraphs. For instance, the introduction lacks a clear thesis statement, and transitions between discussing advantages and disadvantages are not smooth.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a clear thesis statement that previews the main points of the essay. Ensure each body paragraph focuses on a single main idea related to either advantages or disadvantages, providing supporting examples and then transitioning smoothly to the next point.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to structure ideas, but the paragraphs vary in length and coherence. Some paragraphs are overly long and cover multiple ideas, while others are too short and lack development. For example, the paragraph discussing disadvantages of video games could be split into smaller, more focused paragraphs discussing specific issues like eyestrain and social isolation.
  • How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that relates directly to the thesis statement. Develop each idea fully within the paragraph with supporting details and examples. Ensure each paragraph transitions logically to the next, maintaining a cohesive flow of ideas throughout the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses basic cohesive devices such as "first of all", "on the other hand", and "not only that", but their effectiveness is limited due to their repetitive and sometimes incorrect usage. For instance, transitions between paragraphs are often abrupt, and there is a reliance on repetitive transitional phrases.
  • How to improve: Diversify cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range such as conjunctions (e.g., "however", "therefore", "in addition"), pronouns (e.g., "this", "these"), and synonyms (e.g., "furthermore", "moreover"). Use them judiciously to create smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and provides some relevant examples, improving coherence and cohesion will significantly enhance clarity and readability. Focus on developing a clearer organizational structure, refining paragraphing techniques, and diversifying cohesive devices to achieve a higher band score in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempts at varied expressions. For instance, it uses phrases like "improved patience," "positive feelings," and "mental health," but lacks consistency in employing more sophisticated vocabulary throughout. The repetition of phrases such as "playing video games" could benefit from synonym variation to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To enrich vocabulary range, consider using synonyms and more precise terminology. For example, instead of repeatedly using "playing video games," vary expressions with terms like "engaging in gaming activities," "interactive digital entertainment," or "virtual gaming experiences." This approach not only showcases a wider vocabulary but also enhances clarity and sophistication in expression.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances where vocabulary usage is imprecise, affecting clarity. For example, the phrase "eyestrain is when your eyes feel very tired and need to rest" could be more technically accurate by specifying it as a visual discomfort caused by prolonged screen exposure.
  • How to improve: Aim for precision by using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. Instead of general terms like "mental health," specify issues such as "visual fatigue" or "ocular strain" when discussing the effects on eyesight. This precision not only demonstrates a deeper understanding of the topic but also enhances the essay’s credibility.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays basic spelling competence, though there are occasional errors such as "effectuate" (should be "execute" or "implement") and inconsistent use of capitalization ("Viet Nam"). Overall, spelling errors do not significantly impede comprehension but can detract from overall fluency.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading carefully for common errors and inconsistencies. Utilize spell-check tools and review each paragraph systematically for mistakes. Additionally, practice distinguishing between proper nouns and common nouns for correct capitalization, ensuring uniformity throughout the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in both range and precision. Addressing these aspects by diversifying vocabulary usage and ensuring precise terminology will elevate the lexical resource score. Furthermore, enhancing spelling accuracy through meticulous proofreading and utilizing available tools will contribute to a more polished and fluent presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, albeit with some repetitive patterns ("Playing video games…," "Such as…," "Not only that…"). Complex sentences are occasionally used to provide additional detail or contrast, but there is room for improvement in varying sentence structures further.
  • How to improve: To enhance variety, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If children play too much…"), relative clauses (e.g., "Children who play video games…"), and passive voice constructions where appropriate. This can enrich the essay by offering more nuanced expressions of ideas and improving overall coherence.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally maintains grammatical coherence, there are notable errors throughout. Examples include subject-verb agreement issues ("technology is more wide," "children enjoy more activity"), awkward phrasing ("modernized in days"), and punctuation errors (e.g., missing commas, incorrect use of capitalization).
  • How to improve: Focus on fundamental grammar rules, such as ensuring subject-verb agreement, correct use of articles ("the technology is more wide" should be "technology is more widespread"), and consistent use of punctuation for clarity. Review specific instances in the essay where errors occur and practice constructing grammatically correct sentences. Proofreading for punctuation errors before submission can also help in improving accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammar and sentence structure appropriate for a Band 6 score. To achieve a higher band score, continued practice in diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy is recommended. This will contribute to a more polished and cohesive expression of ideas in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

The world has become increasingly modernized in recent years, resulting in both positive and negative consequences. One significant aspect of this modernization is the widespread and diverse availability of technology. Among the contentious issues that arise in this context is the topic of playing video games, which has varying opinions. This essay aims to examine the advantages and disadvantages of video gaming for children.

To begin with, playing video games offers several benefits. It can enhance patience and provide relaxation after a strenuous day. Gamers often strive to overcome challenges within games, which fosters persistence and determination. This sense of achievement upon reaching a goal can induce relaxation, as players find satisfaction in their accomplishments. Moreover, the positive emotions generated from relaxation can contribute to improved social interactions and overall well-being.

Conversely, excessive video gaming can lead to numerous challenges. One notable issue is the impact on mental health, particularly eyesight. Prolonged screen exposure can cause eyestrain, where the eyes become excessively fatigued and require rest. Research indicates that inadequate lighting and improper distances from screens exacerbate this problem. Moreover, excessive gaming can isolate children from real-world activities and hinder social development. Some may become reluctant to engage in physical activities or resist interactions with others, potentially affecting their emotional and psychological growth. Additionally, neglecting academic responsibilities due to excessive gaming can adversely affect their academic performance.

In conclusion, while playing video games can serve as a means of relaxation and enhance patience, it is crucial to acknowledge the potential negative consequences associated with excessive and inappropriate use. Balancing gaming with other activities and ensuring proper parental supervision are essential measures to mitigate these risks. Ultimately, the impact of video gaming on children depends on how responsibly it is integrated into their daily lives.