Nowadays, many university students do part-time jobs while they are still going to school. Why? What should students do to balance their studies and their jobs?

In recent years, after school, a lot of university students earn money by taking part in part-time jobs. This essay will discuss about the reasons why students do part-time jobs, and some advice for them to have a balance between studying and job.
On the one hand, numerous students work part-time jobs while studying. First and foremost, they want to earn money. This is because their parents are very poor, and don't have enough money to provide their children every month. Besides, students contend that they are mature and they don't want to be dependent on their parents. As a result, they try to find jobs suitable for them to work in the evening or when they have free time. Moreover, working helps students to equip necessary skills, which are necessary in today's world. For example, After only two or three months working in sales, many students' communication skills have improved and they are no longer afraid of talking to strangers. University students who work part-time jobs will have an advantage over those who don't when looking for jobs after graduation.
However, university students doing part-time jobs should maintain a balance between their studies and their jobs. To achieve this balance, there are a few ways. First and foremost, at school, they need to highly pay attention to lessons teachers give to them, which is essential for effective knowledge acquisition. Therefore, they don't spend much time reviewing their lessons at home. Secondly, they should not devote too much time to working their jobs. If they spend much time working, they do not have enough time to study. Consequently, they can't acquire knowledge effectively, resulting in poor learning outcomes.
In conclusion, university students do part-time jobs while studying. Although it is incredibly advantageous, a balance between studying and working jobs is crucial for their overall success.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"a lot of university students" -> "many university students"
Explanation: "A lot of" is informal and lacks precision. "Many" is a more formal and precise term suitable for academic writing.
"This essay will discuss about" -> "This essay will discuss"
Explanation: "Discuss about" is redundant. "Discuss" alone is sufficient and more concise.
"students contend that they are mature" -> "students assert their maturity"
Explanation: "Contend" is not the most appropriate term here. "Assert" is more suitable in academic writing to express a confident statement.
"suitable for them to work in the evening or when they have free time" -> "suitable for their schedules, such as evenings or free time"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formalizes the language.
"necessary skills, which are necessary in today’s world" -> "essential skills relevant in contemporary society"
Explanation: Avoiding repetition of "necessary" enhances the clarity and formality of the expression.
"For example, After only two or three months working in sales" -> "For example, after only two or three months of working in sales"
Explanation: Correcting the placement of "working" improves the sentence’s syntax and clarity.
"students’ communication skills have improved and they are no longer afraid of talking to strangers" -> "students have improved their communication skills and overcome their fear of interacting with strangers"
Explanation: This revision streamlines the sentence and makes it more formal by avoiding colloquial phrasing.
"maintain a balance between their studies and their jobs" -> "maintain a balance between academic pursuits and employment"
Explanation: Using "academic pursuits" instead of "studies" and "employment" instead of "jobs" enhances formality and clarity.
"there are a few ways" -> "there are several strategies"
Explanation: "Ways" is a bit informal in this context. "Strategies" is more appropriate in academic writing.
"highly pay attention to lessons teachers give to them" -> "pay close attention to lessons provided by instructors"
Explanation: "Highly pay attention" is redundant and informal. "Lessons teachers give to them" can be simplified to "lessons provided by instructors" for clarity.
"they don’t spend much time reviewing their lessons at home" -> "they allocate less time to reviewing lessons at home"
Explanation: Replacing "don’t spend much time" with "allocate less time" maintains formality and precision.
"they should not devote too much time to working their jobs" -> "they should not dedicate excessive time to their employment"
Explanation: "Working their jobs" is redundant and informal. "Dedicate excessive time to their employment" is more formal and precise.
"Consequently, they can’t acquire knowledge effectively" -> "As a consequence, their ability to acquire knowledge is compromised"
Explanation: "Can’t" is too informal for academic writing. Using "their ability to acquire knowledge is compromised" maintains formality and clarity.
"resulting in poor learning outcomes" -> "leading to suboptimal academic performance"
Explanation: "Poor learning outcomes" is a bit vague and informal. "Suboptimal academic performance" is more specific and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the question. It discusses the reasons why university students engage in part-time jobs and offers advice on how to balance these jobs with their studies.
- How to improve: While the essay covers all parts of the prompt, it could benefit from a more thorough exploration of the reasons behind students taking part-time jobs and a more detailed elaboration of strategies for balancing work and studies.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position on the topic by acknowledging the prevalence of university students working part-time jobs and advocating for the importance of balancing these jobs with studies.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the body paragraphs with stronger language indicating the author’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient elaboration and support. For instance, while it mentions reasons for students taking part-time jobs, it could provide more examples or statistics to bolster these points.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should extend its ideas by providing more specific examples, anecdotes, or research findings to support its arguments, making them more convincing and robust.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of university students’ engagement in part-time jobs and strategies for balancing work and studies. However, it could avoid slight deviations by consistently linking each point back to the central theme.
- How to improve: To ensure better coherence and relevance, the essay should consistently tie each paragraph and supporting detail directly to the topic, avoiding tangents or unrelated information.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains coherence, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of position, elaboration of ideas, and maintaining focus. By incorporating more specific examples, reinforcing the author’s stance, providing additional support for arguments, and ensuring strict adherence to the topic, the essay could elevate its quality and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information logically. It begins with an introduction that outlines the essay’s structure and purpose, followed by two body paragraphs discussing reasons for students doing part-time jobs and advice for balancing studies and work. Finally, it concludes by summarizing the main points. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transition words or phrases between paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas. For instance, phrases like "On the one hand…On the other hand" or "However…Nevertheless" can help signal shifts in focus and maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs, each addressing a different aspect of the topic. However, the second paragraph, which discusses advice for balancing studies and work, could be further subdivided to enhance clarity and organization. Breaking down this paragraph into smaller, more focused paragraphs could improve the structure and effectiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the second paragraph into smaller paragraphs, each focusing on a specific piece of advice or aspect of balancing studies and work. For example, one paragraph could discuss the importance of paying attention in class, another could focus on time management strategies, and a third could address the importance of setting priorities.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "first and foremost," "besides," and "moreover," to connect ideas within sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of cohesive devices used. Additionally, the essay could benefit from more explicit signposting of the structure to guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used to include a variety of conjunctions, transitional phrases, and referencing words (e.g., "this," "these," "that"). Additionally, consider providing clearer signposts throughout the essay to indicate the organization and progression of ideas. For example, using phrases like "To begin with," "In addition," "Furthermore," and "In conclusion" can help guide the reader through the essay’s structure and enhance coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied expressions used to convey ideas. For instance, phrases like "earn money," "mature," "dependent on their parents," and "advantage over those who don’t" showcase the writer’s ability to employ diverse vocabulary. However, there is room for enhancement in the use of more sophisticated vocabulary to further enrich the essay’s lexical variety.
- How to improve: To elevate the lexical richness, the writer can incorporate advanced vocabulary relevant to the essay’s context. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "students," they could interchange it with "scholars" or "academic individuals" occasionally. Additionally, introducing domain-specific terminology related to employment, education, or finance can enhance lexical diversity without compromising clarity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary effectively; however, there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "very poor" could be replaced with a more precise term like "financially constrained" to provide a clearer depiction of the situation. Similarly, the term "advantage" might be more precisely substituted with "competitive edge" for enhanced clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should aim for the most accurate and fitting vocabulary choices. This involves scrutinizing each word choice to ensure it precisely conveys the intended meaning. Utilizing a thesaurus or dictionary can aid in finding more precise alternatives. Furthermore, considering the context and nuances of each word before inclusion is crucial to avoid ambiguity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with only minor errors noted. Instances such as "after school" instead of "after-school" and "highly pay attention" where "paying" is more appropriate represent typical spelling inaccuracies. Despite these minor lapses, overall spelling accuracy is commendable.
- How to improve: To further improve spelling accuracy, the writer should prioritize proofreading their work meticulously. Utilizing spell-checking tools available in word processors can help catch inadvertent errors. Additionally, dedicating time specifically for reviewing spelling in the writing process can reduce the likelihood of mistakes slipping through. Developing a habit of double-checking common problem areas, such as homophones and irregular spellings, can also contribute to improved spelling proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There are instances of sentence fragments and some awkward phrasing that detract from the overall flow and coherence.
- The essay uses simple structures such as "This essay will discuss about the reasons why students do part-time jobs" and "First and foremost, they want to earn money." There are also more complex sentences like "After only two or three months working in sales, many students’ communication skills have improved and they are no longer afraid of talking to strangers."
- However, there are instances of sentence fragments and awkward phrasing that disrupt the flow, such as "Besides, students contend that they are mature and they don’t want to be dependent on their parents."
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, strive for a balance between simple, compound, and complex sentences. Ensure that sentence fragments are corrected and awkward phrasing is revised for clarity and coherence. For example, rephrase "Besides, students contend that they are mature and they don’t want to be dependent on their parents" to "Moreover, students argue that they are mature and wish to be financially independent from their parents."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation but has several errors that affect clarity and precision.
- Grammatical errors include issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "numerous students work part-time jobs"), incorrect tense usage (e.g., "this is because their parents are very poor"), and awkward sentence constructions (e.g., "Although it is incredibly advantageous, a balance between studying and working jobs is crucial for their overall success.").
- Punctuation errors include missing commas in compound sentences (e.g., "However, university students doing part-time jobs should maintain a balance between their studies and their jobs.") and inconsistent use of capitalization.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, focus on correcting subject-verb agreement errors and ensuring correct tense usage. Review the proper use of commas in compound sentences to improve clarity. Additionally, carefully proofread for consistency in capitalization and sentence construction to enhance overall readability.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a variety of sentence structures, but there are opportunities for improvement in terms of clarity, coherence, and punctuation. By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve an even higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, many university students have been taking up part-time jobs after classes to earn money. This essay will explore the reasons behind this trend and offer advice on how students can manage their studies alongside their jobs.

On the one hand, many university students choose to work part-time jobs for financial reasons. Some come from families with limited financial resources, making it necessary for them to support themselves. Additionally, students often see part-time work as a way to become more independent from their parents. Consequently, they seek jobs that fit into their schedules, such as evening shifts or flexible hours. Moreover, these jobs provide valuable skills that are essential in today’s competitive job market. For instance, many students notice significant improvements in their communication skills after just a few months in customer-facing roles, which boosts their confidence and prospects for future employment.

However, it is crucial for university students who engage in part-time work to strike a balance between their studies and their jobs. To achieve this balance, several strategies can be adopted. Firstly, students should prioritize active participation in classroom learning to ensure effective knowledge acquisition during school hours. This reduces the need for extensive revision at home, thereby freeing up time for work commitments. Secondly, it is important not to overcommit to work hours. Spending excessive time on the job can detract from study time and hinder academic progress. Therefore, managing work hours judiciously is key to maintaining academic performance.

In conclusion, while working part-time during university years offers numerous advantages, including financial independence and skill development, maintaining a balance between work and study is essential for overall success. By following these strategies, students can optimize their academic performance while gaining valuable work experience.