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Nowadays, people change their appearance by dying hair, buying fashionable clothes, wearing make-ups and even undergoing plastic surgery. WHAT ARE THE REASONS? DO YOU THINK IT IS A POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE DEVELOPMENT?

Nowadays, people change their appearance by dying hair, buying fashionable clothes, wearing make-ups and even undergoing plastic surgery.
WHAT ARE THE REASONS?
DO YOU THINK IT IS A POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE DEVELOPMENT?

Many individuals today prioritize altering their appearance through hair coloring, fashion choices, makeup application, and even resorting to plastic surgery. This inclination is largely influenced by media and advertising. From my perspective, this trend represents a negative shift.

Celebrities play a pivotal role in motivating people to modify their appearance. Adoration for famous personalities is widespread, especially with the widespread accessibility of information through the internet. These figures often sport dyed hair, heavy makeup, and expensive attire. Certain celebrities, like those in the Korean entertainment industry, even opt for plastic surgery to enhance their appeal. Consequently, fans aspire to emulate their idols, following in their footsteps. Another significant influencer is advertising, bombarding individuals with promotions for cosmetics, fashion, and makeup. Subtly, this establishes a predefined notion of beauty, compelling individuals to purchase products to mirror the advertised ideal.

Nonetheless, this trend holds detrimental implications. The perception of beauty shouldn’t be dictated by external influences. Every woman possesses inherent beauty in their natural state, without the need for elaborate makeup or alterations. In Indonesian culture, simplicity, represented by traditional attire and minimal makeup with natural hair, epitomizes genuine beauty. Moreover, excessive makeup application can trigger various skin issues, such as pimples and breakouts. Additionally, opting for plastic surgery demands considerable financial commitment. For those unable to afford it, borrowing money may lead to accumulating debts.

In conclusion, the alteration of appearances is predominantly driven by media portrayals of celebrities and pervasive advertising. However, the ramifications of excessive makeup and plastic surgery pose numerous challenges, rendering this trend unfavorable in the larger context of societal development.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Many individuals today prioritize altering their appearance through hair coloring, fashion choices, makeup application, and even resorting to plastic surgery." -> "Many individuals today prioritize modifying their appearance through hair dyeing, fashion selections, makeup application, and even considering plastic surgery."
    Explanation: The term "altering" is replaced with "modifying" for a more formal and precise expression. Additionally, "resorting to" is replaced with "considering" for a more nuanced and less informal tone.

  2. "From my perspective, this trend represents a negative shift." -> "From my standpoint, this trend signifies an adverse change."
    Explanation: "Perspective" is replaced with "standpoint" for a more formal synonym, and "represents a negative shift" is replaced with "signifies an adverse change" to enhance the formality and specificity of the expression.

  3. "Celebrities play a pivotal role in motivating people to modify their appearance." -> "Celebrities play a crucial role in inspiring individuals to alter their appearance."
    Explanation: "Pivotal" is replaced with "crucial" for a more formal synonym. Additionally, "motivating" is replaced with "inspiring" for a more sophisticated term.

  4. "Adoration for famous personalities is widespread, especially with the widespread accessibility of information through the internet." -> "Admiration for renowned figures is prevalent, particularly given the ubiquitous access to information through the internet."
    Explanation: "Adoration" is replaced with "admiration" for a more formal term. Also, "widespread" is replaced with "prevalent," and "widespread accessibility" is replaced with "ubiquitous access" to enhance formality and precision.

  5. "These figures often sport dyed hair, heavy makeup, and expensive attire." -> "These figures frequently exhibit dyed hair, elaborate makeup, and luxurious attire."
    Explanation: "Sport" is replaced with "exhibit" for a more formal expression. Also, "heavy makeup" is replaced with "elaborate makeup" for a more detailed description, and "expensive" is replaced with "luxurious" for a more formal term.

  6. "Consequently, fans aspire to emulate their idols, following in their footsteps." -> "As a result, fans aspire to emulate their idols, mirroring their actions."
    Explanation: "Consequently" is replaced with "As a result" for a more formal transition. Additionally, "following in their footsteps" is replaced with "mirroring their actions" for a more refined expression.

  7. "Another significant influencer is advertising, bombarding individuals with promotions for cosmetics, fashion, and makeup." -> "Another influential factor is advertising, inundating individuals with promotions for cosmetics, fashion, and beauty products."
    Explanation: "Influencer" is replaced with "influential factor" for a more formal term. Also, "bombarding" is replaced with "inundating" for a more sophisticated expression, and "makeup" is expanded to "beauty products" for clarity and completeness.

  8. "Subtly, this establishes a predefined notion of beauty, compelling individuals to purchase products to mirror the advertised ideal." -> "Implicitly, this establishes a predetermined concept of beauty, compelling individuals to acquire products to emulate the advertised ideal."
    Explanation: "Subtly" is replaced with "Implicitly" for a more formal adverb. Also, "predefined" is replaced with "predetermined" for precision, and "purchase" is replaced with "acquire" for a more formal term.

  9. "Nonetheless, this trend holds detrimental implications." -> "Nevertheless, this trend carries adverse implications."
    Explanation: "Nonetheless" is replaced with "Nevertheless" for a more formal transition. Also, "holds detrimental implications" is replaced with "carries adverse implications" for a more sophisticated expression.

  10. "Every woman possesses inherent beauty in their natural state, without the need for elaborate makeup or alterations." -> "Every woman possesses inherent beauty in her natural state, without the necessity of elaborate makeup or alterations."
    Explanation: "Their" is replaced with "her" for grammatical correctness. Also, "need" is replaced with "necessity" for a more formal term.

  11. "In Indonesian culture, simplicity, represented by traditional attire and minimal makeup with natural hair, epitomizes genuine beauty." -> "In Indonesian culture, simplicity, symbolized by traditional attire and minimal makeup complemented by natural hair, epitomizes authentic beauty."
    Explanation: "Represented" is replaced with "symbolized" for a more formal term. Also, "with" is replaced with "complemented by" for clarity and precision.

  12. "Moreover, excessive makeup application can trigger various skin issues, such as pimples and breakouts." -> "Furthermore, excessive makeup application can induce various dermatological issues, such as acne and breakouts."
    Explanation: "Moreover" is replaced with "Furthermore" for a more formal transition. Additionally, "skin issues" is replaced with "dermatological issues," and "pimples" is replaced with "acne" for more precise and formal terminology.

  13. "Additionally, opting for plastic surgery demands considerable financial commitment." -> "Furthermore, choosing plastic surgery requires a substantial financial commitment."
    Explanation: "Additionally" is replaced with "Furthermore" for a more formal transition. Also, "opting for" is replaced with "choosing," and "demands" is replaced with "requires" for a more formal and precise expression.

  14. "For those unable to afford it, borrowing money may lead to accumulating debts." -> "For those unable to afford it, seeking financial assistance may result in accumulating debts."
    Explanation: "Borrowing money" is replaced with "seeking financial assistance" for a more formal and precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Many individuals today prioritize altering their appearance through hair coloring, fashion choices, makeup application, and even resorting to plastic surgery. This inclination is largely influenced by media and advertising. From my perspective, this trend represents a negative shift."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction is clear and directly addresses the prompt. However, it lacks a brief roadmap outlining the main points you will discuss in the essay. Consider adding a sentence that provides a preview of the reasons supporting your perspective. This will enhance the overall structure and help readers anticipate the content.
    • Improved example: "Many individuals today prioritize altering their appearance through various means such as hair coloring, fashion choices, makeup application, and even resorting to plastic surgery. This inclination, largely influenced by media and advertising, raises concerns. In this essay, I will delve into the reasons behind this trend and argue why I believe it represents a negative shift."
  2. Quoted text: "Celebrities play a pivotal role in motivating people to modify their appearance. Adoration for famous personalities is widespread, especially with the widespread accessibility of information through the internet. These figures often sport dyed hair, heavy makeup, and expensive attire. Certain celebrities, like those in the Korean entertainment industry, even opt for plastic surgery to enhance their appeal. Consequently, fans aspire to emulate their idols, following in their footsteps. Another significant influencer is advertising, bombarding individuals with promotions for cosmetics, fashion, and makeup. Subtly, this establishes a predefined notion of beauty, compelling individuals to purchase products to mirror the advertised ideal."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your analysis of the influence of celebrities and advertising is thorough. However, the development of the second point regarding advertising could be more focused. It tends to be broad, and there is room to provide specific examples or scenarios to illustrate the impact of advertising on people’s perceptions of beauty.
    • Improved example: "Celebrities play a pivotal role in motivating people to modify their appearance, and this influence is particularly pronounced in figures from the Korean entertainment industry, who often opt for plastic surgery. Additionally, advertising intensifies these trends by bombarding individuals with promotions for cosmetics, fashion, and makeup. For instance, the prevalence of airbrushed models in advertisements creates an unrealistic standard of beauty, compelling individuals to purchase products to mirror the advertised ideal."
  3. Quoted text: "Nonetheless, this trend holds detrimental implications. The perception of beauty shouldn’t be dictated by external influences. Every woman possesses inherent beauty in their natural state, without the need for elaborate makeup or alterations. In Indonesian culture, simplicity, represented by traditional attire and minimal makeup with natural hair, epitomizes genuine beauty. Moreover, excessive makeup application can trigger various skin issues, such as pimples and breakouts. Additionally, opting for plastic surgery demands considerable financial commitment. For those unable to afford it, borrowing money may lead to accumulating debts."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your discussion of the detrimental implications is well articulated. However, the link between the Indonesian cultural example and the broader point could be strengthened. Connect this example explicitly to the idea that embracing natural beauty, as exemplified in Indonesian culture, counters the prevailing trend influenced by external forces.
    • Improved example: "Nonetheless, this trend holds detrimental implications. The perception of beauty shouldn’t be dictated by external influences. Every woman possesses inherent beauty in their natural state, without the need for elaborate makeup or alterations. In Indonesian culture, simplicity, represented by traditional attire and minimal makeup with natural hair, epitomizes genuine beauty. Embracing such natural beauty can serve as a powerful counter-narrative to the prevailing trend influenced by external forces, encouraging individuals to appreciate their unique features."

Overall, your essay adequately addresses the task with relevant reasons and examples, but refining the introduction, providing more specific examples in certain sections, and strengthening the connection between examples and broader points could enhance clarity and persuasiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, maintaining a clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by identifying the trend of altering appearances and its influence. Each paragraph follows a clear central topic, from the role of celebrities to the negative implications of this trend. The use of cohesive devices, such as transitions and references, is generally appropriate, contributing to the overall coherence. The essay effectively explores the reasons behind changing appearances and takes a stance on whether it is a positive or negative development.

However, there are instances of slight overuse of cohesive devices, and some sentences may lack clarity in indicating the logical relationship between ideas. For example, the connection between the influence of celebrities and the subsequent discussion on advertising could be more explicitly stated. While the essay maintains coherence within paragraphs, there is room for improvement in the coherence between certain sentences.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on making explicit connections between ideas, ensuring a smoother flow between sentences. Review the use of cohesive devices to avoid slight overuse and ensure that each reference contributes to the overall clarity of the essay. Additionally, consider refining the transition between paragraphs for a more seamless progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision. There is an awareness of style and collocation, with the use of less common lexical items. Occasional errors in word choice and spelling occur, but they do not significantly impede communication.
How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated and varied vocabulary. Pay careful attention to word choice and ensure accuracy in spelling to minimize occasional errors. Additionally, strive for greater precision in conveying meanings.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a commendable use of a variety of complex sentence structures. The writer employs a diverse range of sentence types, contributing to the overall fluency and coherence of the essay. Additionally, there is evident control of grammar and punctuation throughout, with only a few minor errors that do not impede understanding. The writer successfully navigates complex sentences, showcasing a good command of language.

How to improve:
To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer could incorporate a greater variety of sentence structures, including more intricate and compound-complex sentences. While the current essay exhibits proficiency, occasional errors persist. A meticulous review for minor inaccuracies, such as verb agreement or punctuation, could elevate the score. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and expressions would contribute to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, many people prioritize changing their appearance through activities like coloring their hair, choosing fashionable attire, applying makeup, and, in some cases, undergoing plastic surgery. This inclination is significantly influenced by media and advertising. From my perspective, this trend signifies a negative shift.

Celebrities play a pivotal role in motivating individuals to modify their appearance. The widespread accessibility of information through the internet fosters adoration for famous personalities. These figures often showcase dyed hair, heavy makeup, and expensive clothing. Some celebrities, especially in the Korean entertainment industry, even opt for plastic surgery to enhance their appeal. Consequently, fans aspire to emulate their idols, following in their footsteps. Another significant influencer is advertising, bombarding individuals with promotions for cosmetics, fashion, and makeup. Subtly, this establishes a predefined notion of beauty, compelling individuals to purchase products to mirror the advertised ideal.

However, this trend holds detrimental implications. The perception of beauty should not be dictated by external influences. Every woman possesses inherent beauty in their natural state, without the need for elaborate makeup or alterations. In Indonesian culture, simplicity, represented by traditional attire and minimal makeup with natural hair, epitomizes genuine beauty. Moreover, excessive makeup application can trigger various skin issues, such as pimples and breakouts. Additionally, opting for plastic surgery demands a considerable financial commitment. For those unable to afford it, borrowing money may lead to accumulating debts.

In conclusion, the alteration of appearances is predominantly driven by media portrayals of celebrities and pervasive advertising. However, the ramifications of excessive makeup and plastic surgery pose numerous challenges, rendering this trend unfavorable in the larger context of societal development.

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