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Nowadays people depend on technology for leisure activities. Is this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays people depend on technology for leisure activities. Is this a positive or negative development?

It is true that the advance of technology plays a pivotal role in human life, enabling us to perform various tasks with ease. However, as our dependence on technology grows, many negative consequences start to interfere with our well-being. Specifically, I strongly argue that human’s reliance on technology as a means of entertainment is a negative trend overall for its effects on people’s health, both mentally and physically, which will be further elaborated in the following paragraphs.

In terms of the physical well-being of users of technological devices, the dependence on such devices as a source of leisure brings about several detrimental effects. Primarily, nonstop playing and scrolling have formed an addiction that prevents people from having adequate rest, reduces sleeping quality and time spent on outdoor activities. For example, an average Iphone user spends more than five hours per day on his phone, which is a significant amount of time that should have been better utilized by performing other beneficial activities such as exercising or resting. Following this, users that rely on smart devices for leisure are prone to obesity, cardiovascular diseases or vision related illnesses.

In regards to the effects of overusing technological smart devices on human mental health, frequent users of smartphones or computers are subtly suffering from various mental illnesses, namely stress, depression, or anxiety disorders. To illustrate, many “online citizens” preferred to build their ideal images online rather than actually performing it in real life. This means they are more easily triggered or stressed out when receiving negative comments on social media platforms. Furthermore, addicted gamers of action or violent games also tend to develop antisocial traits, such as aggressiveness, impatience, apathy, impulsiveness or violence. Such characteristics caused by the lack of real life interactions would in turn affect their social relationships and they would eventually end up in isolation and alienation.

To conclude, being overconsumed by online entertainment would only decrease a human's quality of life, both physically and mentally, which suggests that online users must be wiser in their choices of using technology for leisure activities.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is true that the advance of technology plays a pivotal role in human life, enabling us to perform various tasks with ease." -> "The advancement of technology undeniably plays a pivotal role in human life, facilitating the seamless execution of various tasks."
    Explanation: Replacing "It is true that" with "Undeniably" adds emphasis and eliminates unnecessary qualifiers, contributing to a more assertive and formal tone. The term "advance" is replaced with "advancement" for a more refined expression.

  2. "I strongly argue that human’s reliance on technology as a means of entertainment is a negative trend overall for its effects on people’s health, both mentally and physically, which will be further elaborated in the following paragraphs." -> "I assert that the dependence on technology for entertainment has an overall adverse impact on human health, encompassing both mental and physical aspects, as expounded in the subsequent paragraphs."
    Explanation: The phrase "I strongly argue that" is replaced with "I assert that" for a more assertive and formal tone. "Human’s reliance" is revised to "dependence on technology" for precision. The phrase "which will be further elaborated in the following paragraphs" is substituted with "as expounded in the subsequent paragraphs" for conciseness and formality.

  3. "In terms of the physical well-being of users of technological devices, the dependence on such devices as a source of leisure brings about several detrimental effects." -> "Regarding the physical well-being of users of technological devices, relying on such devices for leisure induces various adverse effects."
    Explanation: "In terms of" is replaced with "Regarding" for a more formal transition. "Dependence on such devices as a source of leisure brings about" is streamlined to "relying on such devices for leisure induces" to enhance clarity and conciseness.

  4. "Primarily, nonstop playing and scrolling have formed an addiction that prevents people from having adequate rest, reduces sleeping quality and time spent on outdoor activities." -> "Primarily, continuous engagement in gaming and scrolling fosters addiction, hindering individuals from obtaining sufficient rest, diminishing sleep quality, and limiting time allocated to outdoor activities."
    Explanation: "Nonstop playing and scrolling" is replaced with "continuous engagement in gaming and scrolling" for a more formal and precise expression. The term "formed an addiction" is replaced with "fosters addiction" for conciseness and formality.

  5. "For example, an average Iphone user spends more than five hours per day on his phone, which is a significant amount of time that should have been better utilized by performing other beneficial activities such as exercising or resting." -> "For instance, the average iPhone user spends more than five hours daily on their phone, a substantial period that could be more effectively allocated to beneficial activities like exercise or rest."
    Explanation: "An average Iphone user" is revised to "the average iPhone user" for grammatical correctness. "On his phone" is changed to "on their phone" for gender-neutral language. The phrase "which is a significant amount of time that should have been better utilized by performing other beneficial activities such as exercising or resting" is rephrased for clarity and conciseness.

  6. "In regards to the effects of overusing technological smart devices on human mental health, frequent users of smartphones or computers are subtly suffering from various mental illnesses, namely stress, depression, or anxiety disorders." -> "Regarding the effects of excessive use of technological smart devices on human mental health, frequent users of smartphones or computers subtly experience various mental illnesses, including stress, depression, and anxiety disorders."
    Explanation: "In regards to" is replaced with "Regarding" for a more formal transition. "Subtly suffering from various mental illnesses, namely" is revised to "subtly experience various mental illnesses, including" for clarity and precision.

  7. "To illustrate, many “online citizens” preferred to build their ideal images online rather than actually performing it in real life." -> "To illustrate, many ‘online citizens’ prefer to construct their ideal images online rather than manifesting them in real life."
    Explanation: "Preferred" is changed to "prefer" for a more concise expression. The phrase "rather than actually performing it in real life" is rephrased for clarity and formality.

  8. "This means they are more easily triggered or stressed out when receiving negative comments on social media platforms." -> "This implies that they are more susceptible to being triggered or experiencing stress when encountering negative comments on social media platforms."
    Explanation: "This means" is replaced with "This implies" for a more formal transition. "Easily triggered or stressed out" is substituted with "susceptible to being triggered or experiencing stress" for precision and formality.

  9. "Furthermore, addicted gamers of action or violent games also tend to develop antisocial traits, such as aggressiveness, impatience, apathy, impulsiveness or violence." -> "Furthermore, individuals addicted to action or violent games also tend to manifest antisocial traits, including aggressiveness, impatience, apathy, impulsiveness, or violence."
    Explanation: "Addicted gamers" is changed to "individuals addicted to action or violent games" for a more formal and precise expression. The list of antisocial traits is rephrased for clarity and consistency.

  10. "Such characteristics caused by the lack of real life interactions would in turn affect their social relationships and they would eventually end up in isolation and alienation." -> "These characteristics, resulting from the absence of real-life interactions, would subsequently impact their social relationships, leading them towards eventual isolation and alienation."
    Explanation: "Such characteristics caused by" is replaced with "These characteristics, resulting from" for a more formal and precise expression. The phrase "in turn affect their social relationships and they would eventually end up in isolation and alienation" is rephrased for clarity and conciseness.

  11. "To conclude, being overconsumed by online entertainment would only decrease a human’s quality of life, both physically and mentally, which suggests that online users must be wiser in their choices of using technology for leisure activities." -> "In conclusion, succumbing to excessive online entertainment detrimentally impacts the overall quality of human life, encompassing both physical and mental well-being. This underscores the necessity for online users to exercise discernment in their selection of technology for leisure activities."
    Explanation: "To conclude, being overconsumed by" is replaced with "In conclusion, succumbing to excessive" for formality and conciseness. "A human’s quality of life" is revised to "the overall quality of human life" for precision. The phrase "which suggests that online users must be wiser in their choices of using technology for leisure activities" is rephrased for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses both the positive and negative aspects of people’s dependence on technology for leisure activities. The writer argues that this reliance has negative consequences on physical and mental well-being.
    • How to improve: The essay is strong in addressing all parts of the question. To enhance this, the writer could provide more nuanced examples or explore potential counterarguments to further demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing that dependence on technology for entertainment is a negative trend. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion consistently support this stance.
    • How to improve: The essay does well in presenting a clear position. To strengthen this, the writer could consider incorporating a thesis statement in the introduction that explicitly states their position on whether technology’s impact on leisure activities is positive or negative.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides specific examples, such as the negative impact on sleep quality and mental health, to bolster the argument. The ideas are well-developed and logically organized.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the essay, the writer could incorporate additional real-world examples or statistical data to reinforce the presented ideas and make the argument more compelling.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic and consistently addresses the impact of technology on leisure activities. It discusses the physical and mental health implications without deviating from the central theme.
    • How to improve: While the essay maintains focus on the main topic, the writer could strengthen coherence by using transitional phrases between paragraphs to ensure a smooth flow of ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents a well-structured argument. To further improve, the writer can consider incorporating more nuanced examples, a clear thesis statement, additional supporting evidence, and enhancing coherence through transitional phrases.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by acknowledging the positive aspects of technology but swiftly transitioning to the negative consequences. Each body paragraph addresses a specific aspect (physical well-being and mental health), and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, there is room for improvement in the flow within paragraphs, particularly in the second paragraph where the shift from the negative consequences of physical well-being to mental health could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences that guide the reader through shifts in focus. For instance, in the second paragraph, a transitional sentence could be added to smoothly transition from the discussion of physical well-being to the mental health aspect.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer subdivision to separate the discussion of the physical and mental consequences of technology use.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking down the second paragraph into two separate paragraphs. The first could exclusively discuss the physical effects, while the second concentrates on the mental health repercussions. This would enhance clarity and make it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices such as transitions (e.g., "however," "specifically," "furthermore") and referencing (e.g., "following this"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence by guiding the reader through the different points. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of cohesive devices.
    • How to improve: Introduce a broader range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, or advanced transition words to demonstrate more nuanced relationships between ideas. For example, instead of using "following this," experiment with alternatives like "consequently" or "as a result" to vary the language and signal connections between ideas more effectively.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "pivotal role," "detrimental effects," "online citizens," and "antisocial traits." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, there is a reliance on the term "leisure activities" throughout the essay, and alternative expressions could be explored to enhance variety.
    • How to improve: To expand the vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or exploring different expressions for repetitive terms. For example, instead of consistently using "leisure activities," you might employ alternatives like "recreational pursuits" or "pastimes."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, providing clear and specific terms to convey ideas. For instance, terms like "addiction," "cardiovascular diseases," and "impulsiveness" are used precisely. However, there are instances where more specific terms could be employed for greater clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on selecting terms that precisely capture the intended meaning. For instance, instead of using the broad term "mental illnesses," consider specifying the particular conditions, such as "anxiety disorders" or "depressive tendencies."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable level of spelling accuracy, with minimal errors observed. However, there are a few instances where typos or misspellings, such as "Iphone" (iPhone), could be rectified for improved precision.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to the correct spelling of technical terms, proper nouns, and commonly misspelled words. Additionally, consider proofreading the essay thoroughly to catch and correct any overlooked errors.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, there is potential for improvement in both diversifying the range and enhancing precision. Attention to detail in spelling accuracy will contribute to an overall more polished lexical performance.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, ranging from simple to complex. For instance, the writer employs complex sentences to convey nuanced ideas, such as in the second paragraph when discussing the physical well-being effects of technology usage. This enhances the overall readability and sophistication of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further elevate the grammatical range, consider integrating more compound and complex sentences strategically. For instance, try combining related ideas to form compound sentences or use subordinate clauses to add depth to your arguments.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few instances where articles are missing, such as in "…a negative trend overall for its effects on people’s health…" (it should be "…a negative trend overall for the effects on people’s health…"). Additionally, there are a few punctuation errors, like the missing comma in "Furthermore, addicted gamers…". These minor issues do not significantly hinder comprehension but can be refined for a more polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to articles and punctuation. Review each sentence for proper usage of articles (a, an, the) and ensure correct placement of commas, especially in complex sentences. Consider reading your essay aloud to catch any overlooked errors.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and accuracy, contributing to its Band Score of 7. To enhance it further, focus on refining minor grammatical details and continue to diversify sentence structures for a more comprehensive and nuanced expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The progression of technology undoubtedly plays a crucial role in human life, facilitating the smooth execution of various tasks. I assert that relying on technology for entertainment has an overall adverse impact on human health, encompassing both mental and physical aspects.

Concerning the physical well-being of users of technological devices, depending on such devices for leisure induces various adverse effects. Primarily, continuous engagement in gaming and scrolling fosters addiction, hindering individuals from obtaining sufficient rest, diminishing sleep quality, and limiting time allocated to outdoor activities. For instance, the average iPhone user spends more than five hours daily on their phone, a substantial period that could be more effectively allocated to beneficial activities like exercise or rest.

Turning to the effects of excessive use of technological smart devices on human mental health, frequent users of smartphones or computers subtly experience various mental illnesses, including stress, depression, and anxiety disorders. To illustrate, many ‘online citizens’ prefer to construct their ideal images online rather than manifesting them in real life. This implies that they are more susceptible to being triggered or experiencing stress when encountering negative comments on social media platforms.

Furthermore, individuals addicted to action or violent games also tend to manifest antisocial traits, including aggressiveness, impatience, apathy, impulsiveness, or violence. These characteristics, resulting from the absence of real-life interactions, would subsequently impact their social relationships, leading them towards eventual isolation and alienation.

In conclusion, succumbing to excessive online entertainment detrimentally impacts the overall quality of human life, encompassing both physical and mental well-being. This underscores the necessity for online users to exercise discernment in their selection of technology for leisure activities.

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