Nowadays the crime rate is increasing, especially among teenagers. What are the reasons behind it? How can we reverse this trend? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer, your writing should be of about 250 words in length
Nowadays the crime rate is increasing, especially among teenagers. What are the reasons behind it? How can we reverse this trend?
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer, your writing should be of about 250 words in length
There is a dramatic increase in crime rate, particularly among teenagers currently. I think the causes behind this issue are mostly from the breakdown of family structures, some socio-problems, the effects of peer pressure. In this essay, I'll give some simple actions that help this concerning problem be reserved .
◦ To know how to reserve, we should know the reasons why and how it happens. Firstly, I think the breakdown of family structures is one of the most serious causes of this trend. People who have broken families can be very lonely, lose the sense of belonging and identity that makes them easily be involved in social evils, be enticed to do bad things to be recognized and be proud of by bad people. In addition, some socio-problems about economics such as unemployment, lack of money to live that can involve them in crime rate. When they are desperate, they may do everything, even bad things to earn money, so they can easily be tempted to do things against conscience. Especially, peer pressure is also a reason of crime rate among teenagers. They are susceptitible to and influenced by their friendships, they may easily do bad things to fit and be accepted.
◦ Here are some actions must be taken to reserve this concerning problem. First and foremost, both teenagers and adults must raise their awareness of the bad effects of crime rate in order not to be involved in. Secondly, they must keep their stance strong so as not to be enticed to do bad things against conscience. Besides, educative programmes about teenagers must be encouraged to cultivate and foster adolescence's conciousness and awareness of some peer problems.
◦ In conclusion, crime rate is a concerning issue must be completely removed. In this essay, I've showed some easy but efficient actions for everyone to be distanced from crime rate
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"dramatic increase in crime rate" -> "significant increase in crime rates"
Explanation: Using "significant" instead of "dramatic" provides a more neutral and academically appropriate tone. Additionally, "crime rates" is the correct plural form, as it refers to multiple rates of crime. -
"I think" -> "it is believed"
Explanation: "It is believed" is a more formal and objective expression, suitable for academic writing, whereas "I think" is too personal and informal. -
"mostly from the breakdown of family structures, some socio-problems, the effects of peer pressure" -> "primarily due to the breakdown of family structures, socio-economic issues, and peer pressure"
Explanation: "Primarily due to" is more precise and formal than "mostly from." "Socio-economic issues" is a more specific term than "some socio-problems," and it avoids the awkward phrasing of "the effects of peer pressure." -
"I’ll give some simple actions that help this concerning problem be reserved" -> "I will outline several measures to address this concerning issue"
Explanation: "I will outline" is more formal and precise than "I’ll give some simple actions." "Measures to address" is a clearer and more academic way to describe actions taken to solve a problem. -
"To know how to reserve" -> "To understand how to mitigate"
Explanation: "Mitigate" is the correct verb to use in this context, meaning to reduce or alleviate the severity of a problem, whereas "reserve" is incorrect and unclear. -
"People who have broken families" -> "Individuals from broken families"
Explanation: "Individuals from broken families" is more formal and avoids the colloquialism of "people who have broken families." -
"lose the sense of belonging and identity" -> "experience a loss of sense of belonging and identity"
Explanation: "Experience a loss of" is a more formal and precise way to describe the impact of broken families on individuals. -
"be enticed to do bad things to be recognized and be proud of by bad people" -> "be tempted to engage in illicit activities to gain recognition and approval from others"
Explanation: "Be tempted to engage in illicit activities" is more specific and formal than "be enticed to do bad things," and "gain recognition and approval from others" is clearer and more appropriate than "be recognized and be proud of by bad people." -
"lack of money to live" -> "financial difficulties"
Explanation: "Financial difficulties" is a more precise and formal term than "lack of money to live." -
"Here are some actions must be taken" -> "Several measures must be taken"
Explanation: "Several measures" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "some actions." -
"educative programmes" -> "educational programs"
Explanation: "Educational programs" is the correct term, and "educative" is not a standard word in English. -
"cultivate and foster adolescence’s conciousness" -> "cultivate and foster adolescent consciousness"
Explanation: "Adolescent consciousness" is the correct term, and "adolescence" is the noun form, not "adolescence’s." -
"a concerning issue must be completely removed" -> "a significant issue that must be fully addressed"
Explanation: "Fully addressed" is more appropriate than "completely removed," as it acknowledges the complexity of addressing social issues like crime rates.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying reasons for the increase in crime rates among teenagers, such as family breakdown, socio-economic issues, and peer pressure. However, while the reasons are mentioned, the essay could benefit from more specific examples or data to strengthen the argument. The second part of the prompt, which asks for solutions, is also addressed, but the suggestions are somewhat vague and lack depth.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should provide concrete examples for each reason discussed. For instance, citing statistics or studies about family structures or peer pressure could add credibility. Additionally, the solutions should be elaborated upon; instead of just stating that awareness must be raised, the writer could suggest specific programs or community initiatives that have proven effective.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position regarding the causes of crime among teenagers and suggests that awareness and education are key to reversing the trend. However, the phrasing is occasionally unclear, such as "this concerning problem be reserved," which may confuse readers about the intended meaning.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that the position is articulated clearly and consistently throughout the essay. Using straightforward language and avoiding ambiguous phrases will help maintain clarity. A strong thesis statement in the introduction that clearly outlines the main points can also guide the reader.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented in a logical order, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the problem or solution. However, the support for these ideas is often underdeveloped. For example, the mention of peer pressure lacks a detailed explanation of how it manifests or affects behavior.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing examples of how peer pressure leads to criminal behavior or discussing specific socio-economic conditions that contribute to crime. Additionally, integrating research or expert opinions can enhance the argument’s persuasiveness.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for and solutions to the increase in crime rates among teenagers. However, there are moments where the language becomes convoluted, which may distract from the central argument, such as the phrase "this concerning problem must be completely removed."
- How to improve: The writer should strive for clarity and conciseness in their language. Avoiding overly complex sentences and ensuring that each sentence directly contributes to the main argument will help maintain focus. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any off-topic statements or unclear phrases can enhance coherence.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can elevate their essay to a higher band score, demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding of the task and a more effective communication of ideas.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to solutions feels abrupt. The phrase "To know how to reserve, we should know the reasons why and how it happens" lacks clarity and could better connect the two sections.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that clearly indicate a shift from one idea to another. For example, after discussing the causes, a sentence like "Having identified the causes, it is crucial to explore potential solutions" would provide a smoother transition.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. However, the paragraphs could be more clearly delineated. The first body paragraph mixes multiple causes without clear separation, which can confuse readers.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines its main idea. For instance, the first body paragraph could start with "One significant cause of increased crime rates among teenagers is the breakdown of family structures," followed by a separate paragraph for socio-economic issues and another for peer pressure. This would enhance clarity and focus.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "In addition," and "Secondly," which help to structure the argument. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used, and some phrases are awkwardly constructed, such as "actions must be taken to reserve this concerning problem," which could confuse readers.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "Firstly" and "Secondly," consider using "To begin with," "Moreover," or "Furthermore." Additionally, ensure that phrases are grammatically correct and clear, such as changing "to reserve this concerning problem" to "to address this pressing issue."
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to an improved band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "dramatic increase," "breakdown of family structures," and "peer pressure." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "crime rate" and "bad things." This limits the overall lexical variety and sophistication expected at a higher band score.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "crime rate," you could use "criminal activity" or "delinquency." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to sociology or psychology could elevate the essay’s lexical quality.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: Some phrases in the essay are imprecise or awkwardly constructed. For example, "be involved in social evils" could be more clearly expressed as "engage in criminal activities." The phrase "concerning problem be reserved" is also unclear and does not convey the intended meaning effectively.
- How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in word choice. Instead of "be involved in social evils," consider "become involved in criminal behavior." Additionally, revise awkward phrases for clarity, such as changing "actions must be taken to reserve this concerning problem" to "actions must be taken to address this serious issue."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "susceptitible" (should be "susceptible") and "conciousness" (should be "consciousness"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, practice regularly with spelling exercises and utilize tools like spell checkers. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times can help catch errors before submission. Consider creating a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them frequently.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, refining word choice, and enhancing spelling practices, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences like "I think the causes behind this issue are mostly from the breakdown of family structures" are prevalent. While there are some compound sentences, such as "People who have broken families can be very lonely, lose the sense of belonging and identity that makes them easily be involved in social evils," the overall variety is insufficient. The use of complex structures is minimal, which restricts the depth of expression.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "they may easily do bad things to fit and be accepted," you could say, "they may easily engage in negative behaviors in order to fit in with their peers, which can lead to serious consequences." Additionally, varying the sentence openings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases or dependent clauses) can enhance the flow and sophistication of the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "the effects of peer pressure" lacks a parallel structure with the previous items in the list, which affects clarity. The phrase "help this concerning problem be reserved" is awkward and grammatically incorrect; it should be "help to resolve this concerning problem." Furthermore, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas before conjunctions in compound sentences (e.g., "they may do everything, even bad things to earn money" could benefit from a clearer structure).
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review the rules for subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. For example, "the crime rate" should consistently use "the" when referring to a specific crime rate. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will greatly improve clarity. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical inconsistencies.
In summary, while the essay meets some basic requirements, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly enhance the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is a significant increase in crime rates, particularly among teenagers, at present. It is believed that the causes behind this issue stem primarily from the breakdown of family structures, socio-economic challenges, and the effects of peer pressure. In this essay, I will outline several measures to address this concerning issue.
To understand how to mitigate this trend, we should first examine the reasons behind it. Firstly, the breakdown of family structures is one of the most serious causes of this issue. Individuals from broken families often experience a loss of sense of belonging and identity, which makes them more susceptible to engaging in social evils. They may be tempted to participate in illicit activities to gain recognition and approval from others. Additionally, socio-economic problems, such as unemployment and financial difficulties, can lead these individuals to resort to crime. When faced with desperation, they may feel compelled to engage in unlawful actions to earn money, even if it goes against their conscience. Furthermore, peer pressure plays a significant role in the rising crime rates among teenagers. They are particularly vulnerable to the influence of their friends and may easily engage in negative behaviors to fit in and be accepted.
Several measures must be taken to reverse this concerning trend. First and foremost, both teenagers and adults must raise their awareness of the detrimental effects of crime to avoid involvement. Secondly, they must maintain a strong stance against engaging in illicit activities. Additionally, educational programs should be encouraged to cultivate and foster adolescent consciousness regarding peer pressure and its consequences.
In conclusion, the rising crime rate is a significant issue that must be fully addressed. In this essay, I have outlined some straightforward yet effective actions that can help distance individuals from criminal activities.