Nowadays, the increasing number of schools in Vietnam are facing with the alarming issue, school violence. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

School's problems are still being concerned day by day. The most frightened issue which many schools are going to make an urgent solution is violence. The reasons and remedies for this issue will be explained and given immediately.

To begin with, there are a great number of causes for the pendulousness of children. First, students today usually contact technological equipment’s without being taken atter by adults. On some channels, the person who created that tend to make videos which have violent contents, so students have some brutality after watching that. For example, action film is not appropriate with teenagers. Second, pugnacity can only come from the family. When parents have violent action regularly, the sons or daughters will do everything in imitation of them. Additionally, adults always give their children a smartphone without controlling the tenors which they should not make them be affected from the violent tendency unsheltered. Therefore, school are now facing with tremendous difficult problem.

School should collab with student’s family to avoid and solve this issue. First, school must teach student a lesson about violence. The demerits of that problem should be respected, along with that are the positive sides. Thereby, many fighting are cancelled. Second, parents pay more attentions to children. Rather than giving them a smartphone or a television remote, adult spend a little time playing with them to understand and prevent their child from violence. Consequently, the association between school and family is important to dealing with that urgent issue.

In conclusion, in spite of the difficult reason make violence cannot be solved immediately, it will be easy if parents and school facing that together.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"School’s problems are still being concerned day by day." -> "The issues plaguing schools continue to be a cause for concern."
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and precision. "Concerned day by day" is overly informal and unclear. Replacing it with "continue to be a cause for concern" maintains the sense of ongoing worry while using more formal language.
"The most frightened issue which many schools are going to make an urgent solution is violence." -> "One of the most pressing issues demanding immediate attention in many schools is violence."
Explanation: "Frightened issue" is an unnatural phrase. "Going to make an urgent solution" is too informal. "Frightened" should be replaced with "pressing" for clarity. Using "demanding immediate attention" instead of "going to make an urgent solution" is more formal and precise.
"To begin with, there are a great number of causes for the pendulousness of children." -> "Firstly, there are numerous factors contributing to the susceptibility of children."
Explanation: "Pendulousness" is an unusual word choice and doesn’t clearly convey the intended meaning. "Great number of causes" can be replaced with "numerous factors" for conciseness and clarity. "To begin with" can be replaced with "Firstly" for a more academic tone.
"First, students today usually contact technological equipment’s without being taken atter by adults." -> "Firstly, modern students frequently interact with technological devices without adequate supervision from adults."
Explanation: "Contact technological equipment’s" is not idiomatic English. "Taken atter" is unclear. "Contact" should be replaced with "interact with" for clarity. "Technological equipment’s" should be "technological devices." "Atter" should be replaced with "supervision." This revision maintains the meaning while using more appropriate vocabulary.
"On some channels, the person who created that tend to make videos which have violent contents, so students have some brutality after watching that." -> "Certain online platforms are often host to creators who produce videos containing violent content, leading to an increase in aggressive behavior among students."
Explanation: "Person who created that" is vague and awkward. "Tend to make" should be "tend to produce." "Have some brutality" should be "exhibit aggression." "Watching that" is unclear and repetitive. Using "leading to an increase in aggressive behavior among students" clarifies the consequence of watching such videos.
"For example, action film is not appropriate with teenagers." -> "For instance, action films are not suitable for teenagers."
Explanation: "Action film" should be "action films" for grammatical correctness. Replacing "is not appropriate with" with "are not suitable for" improves clarity and formality.
"Second, pugnacity can only come from the family." -> "Secondly, aggressiveness often stems from familial influences."
Explanation: "Pugnacity" is an uncommon and overly formal term. "Can only come from" is too absolute and not accurate. "Familial influences" is a more precise and suitable alternative.
"When parents have violent action regularly, the sons or daughters will do everything in imitation of them." -> "When parents frequently engage in violent behavior, their children are likely to mimic them."
Explanation: "Violent action" should be "violent behavior" for clarity. "Will do everything in imitation of them" is overly broad and not precise. "Mimic" is a more suitable and formal alternative.
"Additionally, adults always give their children a smartphone without controlling the tenors which they should not make them be affected from the violent tendency unsheltered." -> "Moreover, parents often provide their children with smartphones without adequately monitoring the content, exposing them to potentially harmful violent influences."
Explanation: "Give their children a smartphone" is overly simplistic. "Controlling the tenors" is unclear and awkward. "Should not make them be affected from" is convoluted. "Unsheltered" is not appropriate in this context. Replacing with "provide their children with smartphones without adequately monitoring the content" clarifies the action. "Tenors" should be replaced with "content." "Violent tendency unsheltered" should be "potentially harmful violent influences."
"Therefore, school are now facing with tremendous difficult problem." -> "Therefore, schools are currently grappling with a significant challenge."
Explanation: "School are now facing with" is grammatically incorrect. "Tremendous difficult problem" is overly simplistic. "Grapple with a significant challenge" conveys the difficulty in a more formal manner.
"School should collab with student’s family to avoid and solve this issue." -> "Schools should collaborate with students’ families to prevent and address this issue."
Explanation: "Collab" is too informal. "Student’s family" should be "students’ families" for correctness. "Avoid and solve" is not specific. "Prevent and address" provides a clearer action plan.
"First, school must teach student a lesson about violence." -> "Firstly, schools must educate students about violence."
Explanation: "Teach student a lesson" is informal. "Educate students about violence" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"The demerits of that problem should be respected, along with that are the positive sides." -> "The negative consequences of this issue should be acknowledged, as well as its potential benefits."
Explanation: "Demerits" is not commonly used in this context. "Respected" is incorrect; "acknowledged" is more appropriate. "Along with that are the positive sides" is awkward and unclear. Replacing it with "as well as its potential benefits" maintains clarity and formality.
"Thereby, many fighting are cancelled." -> "As a result, many conflicts are mitigated."
Explanation: "Many fighting are cancelled" is grammatically incorrect. "Conflicts" is a more formal alternative to "fighting." "Mitigated" conveys the idea of reducing or resolving conflicts more accurately.
"Second, parents pay more attentions to children." -> "Secondly, parents should pay closer attention to their children."
Explanation: "Pay more attentions to" is grammatically incorrect. "Pay closer attention to" is the correct phrase.
"Rather than giving them a smartphone or a television remote, adult spend a little time playing with them to understand and prevent their child from violence." -> "Instead of providing them with smartphones or television remotes, adults should spend quality time engaging with their children to better understand and prevent violent tendencies."
Explanation: "Rather than giving them a smartphone or a television remote" lacks clarity. "Adult" should be pluralized to match "them." "Spend a little time playing with them" is too casual. "Quality time engaging with their children" is a more formal and precise alternative.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the causes of school violence and suggesting solutions. It identifies factors such as exposure to violent media and the influence of parental behavior as causes, and proposes collaboration between schools and families as a solution.
- How to improve: While the essay addresses both parts of the prompt, it could benefit from a more detailed exploration of each cause and solution. Providing specific examples or statistics could enhance the depth of analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance on the issue of school violence, acknowledging it as a significant problem and advocating for collaboration between schools and families as the solution.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on the causes of school violence and potential solutions, albeit with some lack of clarity and depth. It briefly discusses the role of technology and parental influence as causes and suggests collaboration between schools and families as a solution.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas, the essay could provide more detailed explanations and examples for each cause and solution. Additionally, citing research or expert opinions could add credibility to the proposed solutions.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the issue of school violence and offering solutions related to collaboration between schools and families. However, there are some instances of tangential discussion, such as briefly mentioning the role of technology.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should avoid tangential discussions and instead provide more in-depth analysis of the main topic. Each point should directly contribute to addressing the issue of school violence and its solutions.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing causes and suggesting solutions for school violence, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed analysis, strengthening clarity, extending ideas with examples or evidence, and maintaining focus on the topic throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It introduces the topic of school violence in the introduction, discusses causes in the first body paragraph, and proposes solutions in the second body paragraph. However, the flow of ideas could be smoother, as there is some repetition and lack of clear transitions between points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, the writer could focus on improving the structure of the essay by ensuring each paragraph flows logically into the next. Using transitional phrases or sentences between paragraphs would help connect ideas more effectively. Additionally, avoiding repetition of ideas and ensuring each paragraph has a clear main point would improve coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to organize ideas, with distinct sections for causes and solutions. However, paragraph structure could be improved for clarity and effectiveness. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, the writer should ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea or point. Breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones can improve readability and help maintain the reader’s attention. Additionally, starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea would provide better structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "To begin with" and "In conclusion." However, there is limited variety, and the essay could benefit from a wider range of cohesive devices to improve coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a variety of transition words and phrases throughout the essay. These could include not only chronological markers like "first," "second," and "in conclusion," but also causal markers like "therefore," "consequently," and "as a result." Using pronouns and referencing previous ideas within paragraphs can also enhance cohesion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in organizing ideas, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Focusing on these areas would help elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, covering the topic adequately. However, there’s room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of vocabulary used. For instance, while the essay mentions "violent contents" and "brutality," there’s a need for more diverse and precise vocabulary to express ideas with depth and clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate more nuanced and specific terms related to the topic of school violence. Synonyms for common words could be employed to avoid repetition and elevate the language. For example, instead of repeatedly using "violence," the writer could use terms like aggression, hostility, or conflict to convey different aspects of the issue.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some precision in vocabulary usage but also exhibits instances of imprecise language. For example, the phrase "pendulousness of children" is unclear and could be replaced with a more precise term or expression. Additionally, there are areas where more precise vocabulary could enhance the clarity and impact of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, the writer should aim for clarity and specificity in expression. Instead of using vague terms like "pendulousness," they should opt for words or phrases that precisely convey the intended meaning. It’s important to choose vocabulary that accurately reflects the ideas being communicated to avoid ambiguity and confusion.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing. Examples include "atter" instead of "attention," "tenors" instead of "contents," and "fighting" instead of "fights." These errors may hinder reader comprehension and create a negative impression of the writer’s language proficiency.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should prioritize proofreading and editing their work carefully. Utilizing spell checkers and seeking feedback from others can help identify and correct spelling errors. Additionally, dedicating time to review spelling rules and commonly misspelled words can enhance overall spelling proficiency and contribute to more polished writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are utilized, although there is a tendency towards simpler structures. For instance, there’s a prevalent use of simple sentences like "First, students today usually contact technological equipment’s without being taken atter by adults." Although complex sentences are attempted, they could be more sophisticated and varied to enhance coherence and demonstrate a higher level of grammatical range.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of sentence structures, strive to incorporate more complex sentence structures such as compound-complex sentences. Varying sentence length and structure can add nuance and sophistication to the writing. Consider using techniques like appositive phrases, participial phrases, and relative clauses to add depth and complexity to your sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors. For example, "The reasons and remedies for this issue will be explained and given immediately." Here, the phrase "will be explained and given immediately" lacks clarity and could be rephrased for better coherence. Additionally, there are instances of subject-verb agreement errors ("pugnacity can only come from the family") and incorrect word choices ("tenors" instead of "content").
- How to improve: Focus on reviewing and practicing grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Additionally, pay close attention to word choice and ensure that terms are used accurately and appropriately within the context. Regarding punctuation, practice using commas, periods, and other punctuation marks correctly to improve the clarity and flow of your writing. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar resources to identify and correct recurring errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

Schools continue to grapple with pressing issues, and one of the most alarming is violence. There are several factors contributing to this trend that demand immediate attention.

Firstly, modern students often interact with technology without adequate supervision from adults. Some online platforms host creators who produce videos containing violent content, leading to an increase in aggressive behavior among students. For instance, action films are not suitable for teenagers.

Secondly, aggression often stems from familial influences. When parents frequently engage in violent behavior, their children are likely to mimic them. Moreover, parents often provide their children with smartphones without adequately monitoring the content, exposing them to potentially harmful influences.

Therefore, schools are currently facing a significant challenge. Collaboration between schools and students’ families is crucial to prevent and address this issue.

Firstly, schools must educate students about violence. The negative consequences of this issue should be acknowledged, as well as its potential benefits. As a result, many conflicts can be mitigated.

Secondly, parents should pay closer attention to their children. Instead of providing them with smartphones or television remotes, adults should spend quality time engaging with their children to better understand and prevent violent tendencies.

In conclusion, while addressing the root causes of violence in schools may not be immediate, it can be achievable if parents and schools work together to confront this pressing issue.