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Nowadays, young people admire media and sports stars though they often do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development ?

Nowadays, young people admire media and sports stars though they often do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development ?

In recent decades, media and sports stars have received increasing admiration from the young. In my opinion, despite this trend having several benefits, it is still a negative development.

On one hand, there are many benefits to notorious celebrities becoming role models for young people, they can inspire the young to improve their physical, mental and motivation at work. In fact, most sports stars, and actors are extremely healthy and fit. This could influence the young, they may put in more effort in their keeping healthy such as maintaining a healthy diet, exercise, and so on. In addition, the young also have seen the dedication, the hard work in the daily lives of these famous people. In fact, this may just be image building, but these attitudes can positively change the adolescent. Therefore, these benefits have an enormous impact on the young in formulating positive hobbies.

On the other hand, certain disadvantages need to be considered. Firstly, bad behaviors of celebrities appear constantly on social media, which can lead to the negative imitation of the youth. For example, music star Snoop Dogg often abuses drugs and potentially harmful slang, which are more likely to young fans to misinterpret as cool or rebellious, leading to similar behaviors without paying attention to potential consequences. In addition, celebrities often appear in public in wealth and luxury. Thus, the fans may have a sense of inadequacy and unconfident in their life when compared with their idols. All of which have a negative impact on the behaviors, and mentality of the youth.

In conclusion, although admiring media and sports stars can have some positive benefits like inspiring healthy habits and dedication, it stimulates bad behaviors and self-esteem. I conclude that admiration of the young with actors, and sports stars is a negative development.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "notorious celebrities" -> "prominent celebrities"
    Explanation: The term "notorious" carries a negative connotation, suggesting infamy or disrepute. Replacing it with "prominent" maintains a neutral tone and better reflects the idea of well-known or celebrated figures.

  2. "they can inspire the young" -> "they can inspire young individuals"
    Explanation: While "the young" is not grammatically incorrect, using "young individuals" is more formal and precise in academic writing. It avoids the informal tone associated with the use of "the young."

  3. "improvement of physical, mental and motivation at work" -> "improvement of physical, mental, and workplace motivation"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks parallel structure, and the suggested alternative ensures clarity and proper parallelism. Additionally, "workplace motivation" is a more precise term than "motivation at work."

  4. "they may put in more effort in their keeping healthy" -> "they may invest more effort in maintaining their health"
    Explanation: The phrase "put in more effort in their keeping healthy" is awkward and lacks fluency. The revised version improves clarity and maintains a formal tone.

  5. "seen the dedication, the hard work" -> "witnessed the dedication and hard work"
    Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and lacks conciseness. The suggested alternative streamlines the expression while preserving its meaning.

  6. "may just be image building" -> "might be a form of image construction"
    Explanation: The term "image building" is somewhat informal, and replacing it with "image construction" adds a level of formality without sacrificing clarity.

  7. "these benefits have an enormous impact on the young" -> "these benefits exert a significant influence on young individuals"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more precise and formal expression, enhancing the overall academic tone of the sentence.

  8. "certain disadvantages need to be considered" -> "certain drawbacks merit consideration"
    Explanation: The original phrase is acceptable but the suggested alternative enhances formality and maintains a scholarly tone.

  9. "bad behaviors of celebrities" -> "negative behaviors of celebrities"
    Explanation: Using "negative behaviors" instead of "bad behaviors" aligns with a more formal and objective tone commonly expected in academic writing.

  10. "music star Snoop Dogg often abuses drugs and potentially harmful slang" -> "musician Snoop Dogg frequently engages in substance abuse and uses potentially harmful language"
    Explanation: The revised version employs more formal language while providing a clearer description of the negative behaviors.

  11. "which are more likely to young fans to misinterpret as cool or rebellious" -> "which young fans are more likely to interpret as cool or rebellious"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The suggested alternative corrects the syntax while maintaining the intended meaning.

  12. "fans may have a sense of inadequacy and unconfident in their life" -> "fans may experience a sense of inadequacy and lack of confidence in their lives"
    Explanation: The revised version improves grammatical accuracy and formality by using "lack of confidence" instead of "unconfident."

  13. "compared with their idols" -> "compared to their idols"
    Explanation: "Compared with" is generally used when making a detailed comparison, whereas "compared to" is more appropriate in this context, providing a smoother flow in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the positive and negative aspects of young people admiring media and sports stars. It acknowledges the potential benefits in terms of inspiring healthier habits and dedication while also highlighting the negatives, such as the emulation of negative behaviors and impacts on self-esteem.
    • How to improve: To enhance the completeness of the response, consider providing a more balanced exploration of the positive aspects, delving deeper into potential positive role modeling beyond just health and dedication. Also, expanding on the negative impacts with more examples could strengthen the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay takes a clear stance that admiring media and sports stars is a negative development. This position is maintained consistently throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To bolster the clarity, consider offering a more nuanced perspective by acknowledging potential exceptions or instances where admiration might have positive outcomes.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the positive and negative impacts of admiring media and sports stars. However, some points lack depth and could benefit from further elaboration and specific examples. For instance, while discussing positive impacts, more concrete examples beyond health and dedication would enrich the argument.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the essay by including real-life instances or studies that support the points made. Providing vivid examples can amplify the impact of the essay’s arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays focused on the topic, discussing the effects of young people admiring media and sports stars.
    • How to improve: Ensure a more direct link between the examples provided and the central theme. This will prevent potential tangents and strengthen the coherence of the essay.

Overall Comments:

  • The essay effectively presents a clear position regarding the negative impact of admiring media and sports stars while acknowledging some positive aspects. To improve, consider enhancing the depth of analysis by providing more diverse examples and perspectives. Additionally, aim for a more balanced exploration of both the positive and negative effects to offer a comprehensive discussion. Strengthening the link between examples and the central theme will further refine the essay’s coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with a discernible introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the opinion, followed by two distinct paragraphs that explore the advantages and disadvantages of admiring media and sports stars. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, discussing benefits and drawbacks coherently.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. Explicitly linking the advantages and disadvantages back to the central argument in the introduction can further strengthen the coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph dedicated to discussing a separate aspect—benefits and drawbacks. They begin with topic sentences introducing the main idea and proceed to provide supporting details.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph maintains unity and coherence by focusing strictly on one main idea. Consider revisiting the use of transitions at the beginning and end of each paragraph for smoother connectivity.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices such as pronouns ("they," "these," "this"), conjunctions ("in addition," "on the other hand," "thus"), and transitional phrases ("on one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion") are used to connect ideas within and between sentences, aiding the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: While the essay effectively uses cohesive devices, diversifying the range and type of connectors can further enhance coherence. Experiment with a variety of linking words and phrases to create more nuanced relationships between ideas.

Overall, the essay exhibits a commendable structure with a clear progression of ideas. To further elevate coherence and cohesion, refining the transitions between paragraphs and experimenting with a wider array of cohesive devices could significantly bolster the overall flow and connectivity of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it includes words appropriate for the topic, there is room for improvement. For instance, the repetition of phrases such as "In fact" and "On the other hand" could be substituted with synonyms for better variety. The essay lacks more sophisticated vocabulary that could elevate the overall lexical resource score.

    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more diverse synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "In fact," experiment with phrases like "Indeed" or "In reality." Additionally, strive to include more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, as this will contribute to a richer lexical resource.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage in the essay is generally sound. However, there are instances where words could be chosen more judiciously. For example, the phrase "notorious celebrities" might be too strong, as it carries a negative connotation. Similarly, the term "adolescent" could be replaced with "youth" for better clarity.

    • How to improve: To enhance precision, carefully consider the connotations of words chosen. Instead of "notorious," consider "well-known" or "renowned." Substituting "adolescent" with "youth" ensures consistency and clarity. Review each word choice for its accuracy in conveying the intended meaning.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors, such as "misinterpret" without a space and "unconfident," which should be "lacking confidence." These errors, though infrequent, affect the overall impression of language accuracy.

    • How to improve: Pay close attention to detail during the proofreading phase to catch minor spelling errors. Utilize spelling and grammar tools, and consider seeking feedback from peers or teachers. Developing a habit of reviewing written work meticulously will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It effectively uses both simple and complex sentences, incorporating varied sentence lengths. However, there is room for improvement in the introduction, where the structure is somewhat repetitive, and sentence variety could enhance engagement. Additionally, a more diverse use of transitional phrases could contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Consider incorporating more complex sentence structures in the introduction to make it more captivating. Introduce a wider array of transitional phrases throughout the essay for smoother flow and coherence.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with few instances of error. However, there are minor issues with subject-verb agreement, such as in the phrase "the young have seen the dedication." Also, the phrase "which are more likely to young fans" lacks clarity and should be revised for better precision.
    • How to improve: Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency. For clarity, rephrase sentences that may lead to ambiguity or misinterpretation, like "which are more likely to young fans."
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity and prevent ambiguity. For example, in the sentence "they may put in more effort in their keeping healthy such as maintaining a healthy diet," a comma after "effort" would improve readability. Additionally, the essay could benefit from better use of commas for list separation.
    • How to improve: Practice using commas appropriately for list separation and clarity. In particular, focus on instances where a comma could enhance readability and prevent potential confusion, such as after "effort" in the mentioned sentence.

Overall, the essay exhibits a commendable command of grammar and a reasonable range of sentence structures. Fine-tuning these aspects, along with addressing specific points highlighted, will contribute to an even more polished and effective essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there has been a growing admiration among the youth for media and sports stars. In my view, while there are several advantages to this trend, it ultimately has more drawbacks, making it a negative development.

On the positive side, prominent celebrities can serve as sources of inspiration for young individuals. They can encourage the youth to enhance their physical, mental, and workplace motivation. Many sports stars and actors, known for their notoriety, exemplify a commitment to health and fitness. This influence might prompt young people to invest more effort in maintaining their own well-being, including adopting healthier lifestyles through balanced diets and regular exercise. Moreover, witnessing the dedication and hard work exhibited by these famous personalities, even if it might be a form of image construction, can positively shape the mindset of adolescents, leading them to cultivate constructive hobbies.

However, it is essential to consider certain drawbacks associated with the admiration of celebrities. One notable concern is the prevalence of negative behaviors displayed by these figures on social media. For instance, musician Snoop Dogg is frequently seen engaging in substance abuse and using potentially harmful language. Regrettably, young fans may interpret such behavior as cool or rebellious, potentially leading them to imitate these actions without considering the consequences. Additionally, the public image of celebrities often revolves around wealth and luxury, contributing to a sense of inadequacy and lack of confidence among fans when comparing their own lives to the glamorous lifestyles of their idols. These factors collectively have a detrimental impact on the behaviors and mentality of the youth.

In conclusion, while the admiration of media and sports stars can inspire positive habits and dedication, it also exposes young individuals to negative behaviors and negatively influences their self-esteem. Therefore, I maintain that the idolization of celebrities by the youth is, overall, a negative development.

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