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Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days, youngsters tend to spend too much of their spare time in shopping malls and this is thought to have bad impacts on the young and the civilization they live in. I partly agree with this view and this essay will discuss both benefits and drawbacks of spending time in shopping malls.

On the one hand, the advantages of spending time in shopping malls for the young are undeniable. First, it helps young people to relax and feel comfortable. For some people, shopping is an effective way to reduce stress after tiring hours of work and studying. Close friends will know more about the others’ purchase behavior and hobbies. Therefore, it is easier to choose the best gifts for friends on special events or anniversaries.

On the other hand, spending too much free time in shopping malls brings about numerous disadvantages. That is a waste of money. By walking around the shopping malls and browsing through the items, young people will unknowingly buy things they do not need. They will bring home a bunch of luxuries to satisfy their shopping demands and then leave these things unused because those things do not have any utility for them. Spending a lot of time shopping is also very time-consuming. Many people spend time in shopping malls just to look at things rather than buy them because they can not afford these items. The young can arrange their time to do other more useful things instead of spending most of their free time in shopping.

To conclude, young people spend a lot of their spare time in shopping malls. In my opinion, this has both positive and negative effects on youngsters and the association they belong to.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "youngsters" -> "young individuals"
    Explanation: Replacing "youngsters" with "young individuals" is a more formal and precise term, aligning with academic style and avoiding overly informal language.

  2. "spare time" -> "leisure time"
    Explanation: Substituting "spare time" with "leisure time" maintains a formal tone and introduces a more sophisticated term commonly used in academic writing.

  3. "bad impacts" -> "negative impacts"
    Explanation: Changing "bad impacts" to "negative impacts" enhances the precision and formality of the expression, adhering to academic language norms.

  4. "I partly agree with this view" -> "I partially concur with this perspective"
    Explanation: Replacing "I partly agree with this view" with "I partially concur with this perspective" introduces a more formal and nuanced expression.

  5. "both benefits and drawbacks" -> "both advantages and disadvantages"
    Explanation: Substituting "both benefits and drawbacks" with "both advantages and disadvantages" is a more precise and academically appropriate choice.

  6. "First" -> "To begin with"
    Explanation: Replacing "First" with "To begin with" adds formality and structure to the essay, aligning with academic writing conventions.

  7. "young" -> "youth"
    Explanation: Changing "young people" to "youth" is a more formal and encompassing term, suitable for academic discourse.

  8. "For some people" -> "For certain individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "For some people" with "For certain individuals" introduces a more specific and formal phrase.

  9. "purchase behavior" -> "buying patterns"
    Explanation: Replacing "purchase behavior" with "buying patterns" is a more academically appropriate term, maintaining clarity while elevating the language.

  10. "on special events or anniversaries" -> "during special occasions or anniversaries"
    Explanation: Adjusting "on special events or anniversaries" to "during special occasions or anniversaries" improves the formality and precision of the expression.

  11. "spending too much free time" -> "devoting excessive leisure time"
    Explanation: Changing "spending too much free time" to "devoting excessive leisure time" introduces a more formal and precise phrase.

  12. "brings about numerous disadvantages" -> "entails various drawbacks"
    Explanation: Replacing "brings about numerous disadvantages" with "entails various drawbacks" maintains formality and introduces a more varied expression.

  13. "a waste of money" -> "an extravagant expenditure"
    Explanation: Substituting "a waste of money" with "an extravagant expenditure" adds a more formal and sophisticated touch to the language.

  14. "unknowingly" -> "unintentionally"
    Explanation: Changing "unknowingly" to "unintentionally" introduces a more precise and formal term.

  15. "bunch of luxuries" -> "assortment of luxury items"
    Explanation: Adjusting "bunch of luxuries" to "assortment of luxury items" elevates the language and provides a more precise description.

  16. "because those things do not have any utility for them" -> "as these items do not serve any practical purpose for them"
    Explanation: Substituting "because those things do not have any utility for them" with "as these items do not serve any practical purpose for them" enhances formality and clarity.

  17. "very time-consuming" -> "highly time-consuming"
    Explanation: Changing "very time-consuming" to "highly time-consuming" introduces a more intensified and formal expression.

  18. "just to look at things" -> "solely to browse without making purchases"
    Explanation: Adjusting "just to look at things" to "solely to browse without making purchases" provides a more specific and formal description.

  19. "because they can not afford these items" -> "due to financial constraints"
    Explanation: Replacing "because they can not afford these items" with "due to financial constraints" maintains formality and offers a more concise expression.

  20. "spend a lot of their spare time" -> "allocate a significant portion of their leisure time"
    Explanation: Changing "spend a lot of their spare time" to "allocate a significant portion of their leisure time" introduces a more formal and specific phrasing.

  21. "In my opinion" -> "In my perspective"
    Explanation: Substituting "In my opinion" with "In my perspective" maintains formality and provides an alternative expression commonly used in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address both sides of the argument, discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of spending time in shopping malls. However, the explanation of the drawbacks is somewhat limited. The essay mentions the waste of money and time-consuming nature but lacks in-depth exploration.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more nuanced insights into the negative aspects of spending time in shopping malls. For example, elaborating on the societal impacts and potential consequences on personal development could enhance the analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay takes a balanced approach by stating that the author partly agrees with the view. However, the stance is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. There is a tendency towards presenting both sides equally, and the conclusion doesn’t firmly restate the author’s position.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the author should strengthen their position throughout the essay. Clearly express whether they lean more towards agreement or disagreement, and ensure the conclusion strongly reflects this position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, offering both advantages and disadvantages. However, there’s room for improvement in extending and supporting these ideas with more specific examples. For instance, the essay mentions stress reduction and gift selection as advantages but lacks detailed illustrations.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay, include specific examples or anecdotes to illustrate the presented ideas. This can provide a clearer understanding for the reader and strengthen the overall argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the impact of spending time in shopping malls on young people and society. However, there are moments where the focus slightly deviates, especially in the last paragraph where the conclusion broadens the scope to "positive and negative effects."
    • How to improve: To stay more focused, the author should ensure that each point made in the essay directly relates to the impact on young people and society due to spending time in shopping malls. Avoid broad generalizations and maintain a tight connection to the prompt.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, improvements in depth of analysis, consistency in stance, specificity of examples, and maintaining a more focused approach will contribute to a more compelling and higher-scoring essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction that outlines the author’s stance, followed by two well-structured body paragraphs presenting advantages and disadvantages. The use of transitional phrases helps guide the reader through the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing a more explicit roadmap in the introduction. Clearly state the main points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that each body paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates to the thesis statement.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, maintaining a clear focus. However, there is room for improvement in the conclusion, which could be more robust and summarize the main points.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by restating the thesis and summarizing the key points from the body paragraphs. This will provide a more cohesive and satisfying ending to the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "Therefore") and pronouns ("it," "they"). However, some transitions could be more varied, and the use of cohesive devices could be more strategic to enhance overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to maintain reader engagement. Instead of relying heavily on repetitive transitions, explore alternative ways to link ideas. Additionally, ensure that pronouns are used consistently to avoid ambiguity.

In summary, the essay exhibits a solid organizational structure, effective paragraphing, and adequate use of cohesive devices. To improve, consider refining the introduction for better clarity, strengthening the conclusion, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more engaging and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and phrases, but some repetition is noticeable. For instance, the phrase "spending time in shopping malls" is frequently repeated. While there is evidence of attempts to introduce a range of vocabulary, the execution lacks consistency and could benefit from more sophisticated expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider using synonyms and alternative expressions. For example, instead of repetitively using "spending time in shopping malls," vary your language by employing terms like "frequenting malls" or "exploring shopping centers." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the essay’s themes, such as "consumerism" or "recreational pursuits," would contribute to a more diverse lexical resource.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where imprecise language affects clarity. For instance, the phrase "and the civilization they live in" is somewhat vague. It would be beneficial to provide more specificity and clarity in such instances to ensure the reader fully comprehends the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision in language by avoiding overly broad terms. In this case, specifying the societal aspects or using a more precise term than "civilization" would enhance clarity. Additionally, pay attention to potential ambiguities in expressions, ensuring that each word contributes precisely to conveying the intended message.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors. However, there are some minor issues, such as "anniversaries," where the spelling is correct but could be refined for a more polished appearance.
    • How to improve: Maintain vigilance in proofreading to catch minor spelling issues. For "anniversaries," the correct spelling is used, but attention to consistency in pluralization, such as "special events or anniversaries," will elevate the overall spelling accuracy. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools to further minimize such instances.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, but improvements can be made in consistently applying a wide range of vocabulary and ensuring precise language usage. Attention to detail in spelling will contribute to a more refined and polished presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is a variety of sentence beginnings, and the use of transition words contributes to coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of sentence structures. The essay predominantly uses simple sentences, and more complex structures could enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and overall effectiveness of the essay, consider incorporating a greater variety of sentence structures. Experiment with complex sentences, compound-complex sentences, and varied sentence lengths. This will not only showcase a more advanced command of English but also contribute to a more engaging and dynamic writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally sound command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, in the sentence "Close friends will know more about the others’ purchase behavior and hobbies," the possessive form should be "others’." Additionally, the phrase "That is a waste of money" could benefit from a conjunction after "That is" to improve the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Careful proofreading is crucial to catch grammatical errors and punctuation issues. Reviewing the essay before submission can help identify and rectify such issues. Additionally, consider using a variety of punctuation marks, such as dashes or semicolons, to add complexity to sentence structures. Utilizing conjunctions effectively can also contribute to smoother transitions between ideas. Paying attention to these details will enhance the overall grammatical accuracy of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in grammar and structure, incorporating more varied sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical and punctuation issues can elevate the writing to a higher band score. Regular practice and focused attention to these aspects will contribute to continued improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, a considerable number of young individuals allocate a significant portion of their leisure time to shopping malls, sparking concerns about potential negative impacts on both the youth and society at large. I partially concur with this perspective, acknowledging that there are both advantages and disadvantages associated with spending time in shopping malls.

To begin with, there are notable benefits for young individuals engaging in leisurely mall visits. Firstly, such excursions provide an opportunity for relaxation and comfort. For certain individuals, shopping serves as an effective stress-relief mechanism, especially after prolonged periods of work and study. Additionally, these outings foster stronger interpersonal connections as friends become more acquainted with each other’s buying patterns and hobbies. Consequently, choosing thoughtful gifts for special occasions or anniversaries becomes a more enjoyable and informed process.

On the flip side, devoting excessive leisure time to shopping entails various drawbacks, with a primary concern being extravagant expenditures. The act of walking through shopping malls and casually browsing can lead young people to unintentionally acquire an assortment of luxury items. Unfortunately, these purchases often remain unused, as these items do not serve any practical purpose for them. This lavish spending not only depletes financial resources but also contributes to the accumulation of possessions that lack utility.

Moreover, spending an extended period in shopping malls can be highly time-consuming, especially when individuals visit solely to browse without making purchases due to financial constraints. This time could be more wisely invested in other productive activities. In my perspective, young individuals should be mindful of how they allocate their leisure time and consider alternative pursuits that offer both enjoyment and utility.

In conclusion, while it is true that young people frequently spend a significant portion of their free time in shopping malls, the impact is nuanced. In my opinion, this phenomenon has both positive and negative effects on the youth and the society to which they belong. Therefore, individuals should strike a balance in their leisure activities, ensuring that the advantages of shopping are not overshadowed by its potential drawbacks.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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