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Obesity in children is becoming a big problem in many countries. What are the main causes and effects. Offer some solutions

Obesity in children is becoming a big problem in many countries. What are the main causes and effects. Offer some solutions

Nowadays, many countries are undergoing a contentious issue that many children are suffering from obesity. Various factors contribute to this trend which could translate into significant ramifications. From my perspective, proposing feasible solutions for this circumstance is a crucial part to improve our society.
Firstly, this case is attributed to the advancement of living standards. Because of the tremendous capital capacity, residents have opportunities to advance the food industry, especially fast food which exert negative impacts on human’s health. Moreover, the higher living standards can lead to the situation that children are satisfied with all their needs such as: sweet cakes, candies, pizza,… by parents which makes them face obesity issues like: heart disease, food poisoning, overabundance,… Secondly, unhealthy lifestyles are becoming more and more popular which could bring about a high obesity rate in children. Parents nowadays are occupied with their work and often go on business trips instead of taking care of their children. Additionally, because of the breakthrough in technology which aroused a lot of interest in gluing eyes on the screen. Children not only don’t engage in physical activities but also reach negative information on the Internet. On social media, incorrect information, violence,… can lead to mental health issues which makes children become more lazy or some people choose eating as a way to mitigate stress.
Finger out potential solutions to this problem is indispensable to prevent children from obesity. With families, parents should limit children’s screen time which disrupts the body’s natural circadian rhythm. Additionally, they should dedicate their time to look after their children’s diets. With organizations, building more projects which help children lose weight, extensive promotion about the disadvantages of inappropriate diét through social networks,.. are essential. Chief among these is self-awareness. Children need harmonious equilibrium between eating enough for physical well-being and engaging in outside activities.
Given the aforementioned points, it may be concluded that obesity rate in children is the ever-persisting problem caused by unhealthy lifestyles in modern life. Nevertheless, I believe that people can implement viable solutions to reduce the numbers of children who obese.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Nowadays, many countries are undergoing a contentious issue that many children are suffering from obesity."
    -> "In contemporary times, numerous countries grapple with the contentious issue of childhood obesity."
    Explanation: Replacing "Nowadays" with "In contemporary times" and restructuring the sentence enhances formality and clarity. Also, specifying "childhood obesity" provides a more precise focus.

  2. "Various factors contribute to this trend which could translate into significant ramifications."
    -> "Numerous factors contribute to this trend, and these factors could have significant ramifications."
    Explanation: The revised sentence separates the ideas more clearly and employs a more formal structure by avoiding the use of "which" at the beginning of the dependent clause.

  3. "From my perspective, proposing feasible solutions for this circumstance is a crucial part to improve our society."
    -> "In my view, proposing viable solutions to address this issue is a crucial aspect of improving our society."
    Explanation: Replacing "From my perspective" with "In my view" maintains formality, and using "viable" instead of "feasible" adds precision to the language.

  4. "Because of the tremendous capital capacity, residents have opportunities to advance the food industry, especially fast food which exert negative impacts on human’s health."
    -> "Due to substantial financial resources, residents have the opportunity to promote the food industry, particularly fast food, which has detrimental effects on human health."
    Explanation: The revision eliminates redundancy and uses more formal language, such as "due to" and "substantial financial resources," while specifying the negative impact of fast food on health.

  5. "sweet cakes, candies, pizza,… by parents which makes them face obesity issues like: heart disease, food poisoning, overabundance,…"
    -> "sweets, cakes, candies, pizza, and other indulgences provided by parents, leading to obesity-related issues such as heart disease, food poisoning, and excess weight."
    Explanation: Removing ellipses and restructuring the sentence for clarity while using formal terms like "indulgences" and specifying health issues.

  6. "Secondly, unhealthy lifestyles are becoming more and more popular which could bring about a high obesity rate in children."
    -> "Secondly, the prevalence of unhealthy lifestyles is increasing, contributing to a high rate of obesity in children."
    Explanation: The revision streamlines the sentence, making it more concise and formal.

  7. "Parents nowadays are occupied with their work and often go on business trips instead of taking care of their children."
    -> "Contemporary parents are occupied with work and frequently embark on business trips, often neglecting the care of their children."
    Explanation: Enhancing formality by using "contemporary" and rephrasing for clarity and conciseness.

  8. "Additionally, because of the breakthrough in technology which aroused a lot of interest in gluing eyes on the screen."
    -> "Furthermore, the technological breakthroughs that have captivated widespread interest contribute to increased screen time."
    Explanation: The revision clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship and employs formal language.

  9. "Finger out potential solutions to this problem is indispensable to prevent children from obesity."
    -> "Identifying potential solutions to this problem is indispensable in preventing childhood obesity."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the informal "Finger out" with "Identifying" and uses more formal language for clarity.

  10. "Chief among these is self-awareness."
    -> "Foremost among these solutions is fostering self-awareness."
    Explanation: The revision maintains formality and specificity in describing the importance of self-awareness.

  11. "Given the aforementioned points, it may be concluded that obesity rate in children is the ever-persisting problem caused by unhealthy lifestyles in modern life."
    -> "In conclusion, the persistent issue of childhood obesity, caused by unhealthy modern lifestyles, is evident given the aforementioned points."
    Explanation: The revision enhances the formality and structure of the concluding statement.

  12. "Nevertheless, I believe that people can implement viable solutions to reduce the numbers of children who obese."
    -> "Nevertheless, I believe that people can implement viable solutions to reduce the number of obese children."
    Explanation: The revision corrects the grammatical error and simplifies the sentence for clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It identifies the causes (living standards and unhealthy lifestyles), effects (health issues and mental health problems), and offers solutions (limiting screen time, focusing on diet, and promoting physical activities).
    • How to improve: To enhance, provide a more nuanced discussion of the causes and effects, exploring additional layers or factors that contribute to childhood obesity. Encourage the use of specific examples to strengthen the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that childhood obesity is a persistent problem caused by unhealthy lifestyles but can be addressed through viable solutions.
    • How to improve: Encourage the writer to explicitly state their position in the introduction and conclusion for greater emphasis and to reinforce the clarity of their stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas are presented and extended reasonably well. The essay provides specific examples such as the impact of living standards on food choices and the influence of technology on children’s lifestyles.
    • How to improve: Suggest expanding on certain points to provide a more in-depth analysis. For instance, further elaborate on the consequences of unhealthy diets and explore the potential psychological effects of excessive screen time.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the causes, effects, and solutions related to childhood obesity.
    • How to improve: Caution against potential deviations, ensuring that each paragraph directly contributes to the overall discussion of childhood obesity. Emphasize the importance of maintaining a tight focus on the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt, effectively presenting and supporting ideas. To improve, the writer should strive for more depth in analysis, reinforce their position in the introduction and conclusion, and remain vigilant against potential deviations from the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization, starting with an introduction, developing causes and effects in the body, and concluding with solutions. However, there are instances where the flow is disrupted, such as the abrupt transition between discussing the causes and proposing solutions. Additionally, the lack of clear topic sentences in each paragraph hinders the reader’s ability to grasp the main point of each section.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the essay should establish clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph, guiding the reader through the essay’s structure. Consider revising transitions between sections to create a smoother and more cohesive progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does use paragraphs, but the structure within each paragraph needs improvement. Sentences are often loosely connected, and the lack of clear transitions between ideas within paragraphs diminishes the overall effectiveness. For instance, the paragraph discussing unhealthy lifestyles could benefit from a clearer separation of distinct ideas to aid comprehension.
    • How to improve: Focus on developing a more organized structure within paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence. Use transitions between sentences to create a seamless flow of ideas within paragraphs.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to use cohesive devices, there is a limited variety, and their effectiveness varies. Some instances of repetition and vague pronoun references impede clarity. For example, the phrase "this circumstance" in the introduction could be more explicitly linked to the issue of childhood obesity.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns. Ensure that pronoun references are clear, avoiding ambiguity. Consistent use of cohesive devices will strengthen the connections between ideas, contributing to a more cohesive and coherent essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary for a more effective presentation of ideas. Focus on enhancing the clarity of transitions between sections, refining paragraph structures, and employing a wider range of cohesive devices to elevate the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, including some advanced words and phrases such as "contentious," "advancement of living standards," and "harmonious equilibrium." However, there is room for improvement as certain terms are repetitively used (e.g., "children" and "obesity"). The essay could benefit from a more varied and nuanced selection of vocabulary to enhance clarity and depth.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider using synonyms and exploring alternative expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "children," you can incorporate terms like "youth," "juveniles," or "youngsters" where appropriate. Additionally, aim to integrate more sophisticated vocabulary related to the causes and effects of obesity, offering a more comprehensive and nuanced understanding.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, such as in discussing the "advancement of living standards" and "unhealthy lifestyles." However, there are instances of imprecise language, for example, the vague use of "negative impacts on human’s health" and "overabundance." Precision in language can be improved by providing specific examples and details to clarify these broad terms.
    • How to improve: Focus on offering specific details and examples to support general statements. For instance, instead of stating "negative impacts on human’s health," specify the health issues associated with the consumption of fast food. Similarly, when discussing "overabundance," provide concrete examples of excessive food consumption and its consequences on children’s health. This precision will enhance the overall clarity and depth of your arguments.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are some noticeable errors, such as "diét" instead of "diet" and "Finger out" instead of "Figuring out." These errors, while not pervasive, do impact the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling, especially when using words from different languages like "diét." Proofread the essay thoroughly to catch and correct such errors. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar tools to enhance accuracy. Developing a habit of reviewing written work meticulously will contribute to minimizing spelling errors and ensuring a more polished final product.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. There is an effective mix of simple and complex sentences, enhancing the overall readability. The author employs relative clauses, conditional sentences, and parallel structures. For example, "Because of the tremendous capital capacity, residents have opportunities…" shows effective use of a complex sentence structure.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the essay’s sophistication, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as inversion, passive voice, or varying sentence lengths. This will contribute to a more nuanced and refined expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement issues occur, such as in "unhealthy lifestyles are becoming more and more popular," where the plural "lifestyles" should match with the plural verb "are."
    • How to improve: Carefully review subject-verb agreement throughout the essay, ensuring consistency. Additionally, pay attention to article usage ("the food industry" instead of "food industry") and sentence structure. Proofreading for these specific grammatical nuances will contribute to a more polished and precise essay.

Overall, the essay effectively utilizes a diverse range of sentence structures, contributing to a well-developed and engaging discourse. However, attention to subject-verb agreement and careful proofreading for minor grammatical errors will further elevate the grammatical range and accuracy of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, numerous countries grapple with the contentious issue of childhood obesity. Various factors contribute to this trend, and these factors could have significant ramifications. In my view, proposing viable solutions to address this issue is a crucial aspect of improving our society.

Firstly, due to substantial financial resources, residents have the opportunity to promote the food industry, particularly fast food, which has detrimental effects on human health. Sweets, cakes, candies, pizza, and other indulgences provided by parents lead to obesity-related issues such as heart disease, food poisoning, and excess weight.

Secondly, the prevalence of unhealthy lifestyles is increasing, contributing to a high rate of obesity in children. Contemporary parents are occupied with work and frequently embark on business trips, often neglecting the care of their children. Furthermore, technological breakthroughs that have captivated widespread interest contribute to increased screen time.

Identifying potential solutions to this problem is indispensable in preventing childhood obesity. Foremost among these solutions is fostering self-awareness.

In conclusion, the persistent issue of childhood obesity, caused by unhealthy modern lifestyles, is evident given the aforementioned points. Nevertheless, I believe that people can implement viable solutions to reduce the number of obese children.

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