Obesity is a common problem in many societies. What are the main causes of obesity and what are the effects?

It cannot be denied that people's average weight is shooting up prevalently among different nations worldwide due to their life-related habits. In this essay, I will examine some serious factors and give viable solutions to resolve this issue.
To begin with, this problem may be caused by some essential elements. First of all, one of the foremost reasons is associated with the consumption of unhealthy food. People are more likely to follow western food and eventually end up eating high-processed foods like fried chicken, hamburgers, and pizza. These foods do not contain any nutritional values and have rich levels of oils, sugars, and salts, which leads to a deficiency in the basic nutrient elements such as proteins, vitamins, and minerals. Using excessive amounts of junk food will increase obsessiveness per person in a short period of time. Moreover, some people in different nations tend to have a sedentary lifestyle. They do not devote their time to any kind of physical activities, just sitting or sleeping for a long time. As a result, if they continue to live passively, people will fall ill more frequently and lose their health permanently.
Numerous strong measures should be implemented to tackle this issue. The first one is that the government should raise awareness through health programs broadcast on social networks. This may be the most effective way because people deeply consider what they should consume and increase their horizons about how to get a healthy, proper, and balanced diet. For example, the doctors may encourage people to limit their sugar, salt, meat, and calorie intake for each meal. Importantly, some people often say that "prevention is better than cure" and that exercising is never bad for their health. Individuals may exercise regularly, notably vigorous exercise on a daily basis, to maintain their resistance power as well as enhance their health permanently.
In conclusion, anyone can be a patient of obesity because it is easy for everyone to suffer, so let's have the most effective solutions for ourselves to prevent this problem.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It cannot be denied" -> "It is undeniable"
Explanation: "It is undeniable" is a more concise and formal expression that enhances the academic tone of the sentence.
"people’s average weight is shooting up" -> "the average weight of the population is increasing"
Explanation: "The average weight of the population is increasing" is a more precise and formal way to describe the trend, avoiding the colloquialism "shooting up."
"life-related habits" -> "lifestyle habits"
Explanation: "Lifestyle habits" is a more specific and commonly used term in academic contexts to refer to patterns of behavior related to daily life.
"serious factors" -> "significant factors"
Explanation: "Significant factors" is a more precise term that conveys importance and relevance in an academic context, whereas "serious" can imply a negative connotation that may not be intended here.
"viable solutions" -> "feasible solutions"
Explanation: "Feasible solutions" is a more formal and precise term that suggests practicality and suitability, aligning better with academic language.
"unhealthy food" -> "unhealthy foods"
Explanation: "Unhealthy foods" is grammatically correct and more specific, as it refers to a variety of unhealthy food items rather than a single type.
"follow western food" -> "adopt Western dietary habits"
Explanation: "Adopt Western dietary habits" is a more precise and formal way to describe the adoption of Western eating patterns, avoiding the colloquial "follow western food."
"high-processed foods" -> "highly processed foods"
Explanation: "Highly processed foods" is grammatically correct and more formal, emphasizing the degree of processing in the foods.
"have rich levels of oils, sugars, and salts" -> "are rich in oils, sugars, and salts"
Explanation: "Are rich in" is the correct prepositional phrase for describing the composition of foods, enhancing the formal tone and accuracy of the description.
"Using excessive amounts of junk food" -> "Consuming excessive amounts of junk food"
Explanation: "Consuming" is a more formal verb than "using" in this context, and it is more appropriate for discussing food intake in an academic essay.
"obsessiveness per person" -> "increased consumption per person"
Explanation: "Increased consumption per person" is a clearer and more precise term that avoids the colloquial and vague "obsessiveness," which is not appropriate in formal writing.
"do not devote their time to any kind of physical activities" -> "do not engage in any physical activities"
Explanation: "Do not engage in any physical activities" is a more concise and formal way to express the lack of physical activity, improving the academic tone.
"just sitting or sleeping for a long time" -> "primarily engaging in sedentary activities such as sitting or sleeping"
Explanation: "Primarily engaging in sedentary activities such as sitting or sleeping" provides a more detailed and formal description of the sedentary lifestyle.
"people often say that" -> "it is often said that"
Explanation: "It is often said that" is a more formal and impersonal way to introduce a common belief or saying, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"vigorous exercise on a daily basis" -> "regular vigorous exercise"
Explanation: "Regular vigorous exercise" is a more concise and formal way to describe the frequency and intensity of exercise, aligning better with academic style.
"let’s have the most effective solutions for ourselves" -> "we should implement the most effective solutions"
Explanation: "We should implement the most effective solutions" is a more formal and assertive way to conclude the essay, avoiding the informal "let’s" and the vague "for ourselves."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the main causes of obesity, such as unhealthy food consumption and sedentary lifestyles, as well as suggesting solutions like government awareness programs and promoting exercise. However, while the causes are well-explained, the effects of obesity are not explicitly discussed, which is a significant oversight. The essay mentions health issues but does not elaborate on the specific effects of obesity on individuals or society.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly outline the effects of obesity in a dedicated section. This could include discussing physical health consequences (like diabetes or heart disease), psychological impacts (such as low self-esteem), and societal issues (like increased healthcare costs). Structuring the essay to clearly separate causes and effects would provide a more comprehensive answer.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that obesity is a significant problem and suggests that both individual and governmental actions are necessary to combat it. However, the introduction states that the essay will provide "viable solutions" rather than focusing on the effects, which could confuse the reader about the main argument. The conclusion reiterates the need for solutions but does not summarize the causes or effects clearly.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that the thesis statement in the introduction accurately reflects the essay’s content. A clearer structure with distinct sections for causes, effects, and solutions would help maintain a consistent position. Additionally, reiterating the main points in the conclusion would reinforce the essay’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the causes of obesity, such as unhealthy eating habits and lack of physical activity. These ideas are somewhat supported with examples, like mentioning specific unhealthy foods. However, the discussion lacks depth in extending these ideas, particularly regarding the effects of obesity, which are only briefly mentioned.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should expand on each point with more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing unhealthy foods, they could include statistics on obesity rates linked to fast food consumption. Similarly, when addressing solutions, providing examples of successful health programs in various countries could strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on obesity and its causes and solutions. However, the lack of a discussion on the effects of obesity means that the essay does not fully address the prompt. Additionally, some sentences are slightly off-topic, such as the mention of "prevention is better than cure," which, while relevant, could be better integrated into the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every paragraph directly relates to the prompt. They could outline the essay before writing to ensure all parts of the question are covered. Each section should clearly link back to the main topic of obesity, ensuring that all content is relevant and contributes to answering the prompt comprehensively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, it would benefit from a more structured approach that fully addresses all aspects of the prompt, particularly the effects of obesity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs logically follow the introduction. However, the transition between the causes and solutions could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing causes to solutions feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking statement that connects the two sections.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences that bridge the discussion of causes to solutions. For example, after outlining the causes of obesity, a sentence like "Given these significant causes, it is crucial to explore effective solutions that can mitigate this issue" would create a smoother transition.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The first body paragraph addresses the causes of obesity, while the second discusses potential solutions. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence like "Several key factors contribute to the rising rates of obesity."
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring each one begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point. Additionally, consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, to enhance readability and focus.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "moreover," and "importantly," which help to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "Using excessive amounts of junk food will increase obsessiveness per person in a short period of time" could be better linked to the previous sentence to clarify the cause-and-effect relationship.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "consequently," and "for instance." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance clarity. For example, when discussing the effects of a sedentary lifestyle, a phrase like "As a consequence of this inactivity, individuals may experience…" would strengthen the connection between ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, focusing on smoother transitions, clearer topic sentences, and a broader range of cohesive devices will enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "obesity," "sedentary lifestyle," and "nutritional values" being appropriately used. However, the range is somewhat limited, as many phrases are repetitive or lack variation. For instance, the phrase "high-processed foods" could be replaced with "ultra-processed foods" or "highly processed foods" for greater variety. Additionally, the use of "serious factors" and "essential elements" is somewhat vague and could be more specific.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "people," alternatives like "individuals," "citizens," or "the population" could be utilized. Expanding the vocabulary related to health and nutrition will also help, such as using terms like "dietary habits," "caloric intake," or "metabolic health."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the term "obsessiveness" in "increase obsessiveness per person" is not appropriate in this context; it seems the writer intended to convey "obesity" or "overeating." Additionally, the phrase "rich levels of oils, sugars, and salts" could be misleading; a more precise expression would be "high levels of fats, sugars, and sodium."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing definitions and contexts of words before using them. Additionally, practicing paraphrasing can help in finding more suitable terms that fit the context better.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "obsessiveness" (which should be "obesity") and "high-processed" (which should be "highly processed"). These errors can detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading of their work. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and a reasonable use of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. Focusing on these aspects will help elevate the overall quality of the writing and potentially improve the band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, it employs complex sentences such as "People are more likely to follow western food and eventually end up eating high-processed foods like fried chicken, hamburgers, and pizza," which showcases the ability to connect ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a reliance on simple structures, particularly in the introductory and concluding paragraphs. The use of phrases like "To begin with" and "In conclusion" is somewhat formulaic and could be varied to enhance engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound and complex sentences, as well as varying the sentence openings. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "People," the writer could use phrases like "Many individuals" or "A significant number of people." Additionally, integrating more relative clauses and participial phrases could enhance the complexity and fluidity of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "Using excessive amounts of junk food will increase obsessiveness per person in a short period of time" is slightly awkward; "obsessiveness" could be better expressed as "obesity." Moreover, the punctuation is generally correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "which leads to a deficiency" to separate the clauses more effectively.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for awkward phrasing and ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context. Additionally, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences can help clarify meaning. For instance, restructuring sentences to avoid run-ons or fragments will enhance overall readability. Engaging in exercises that focus on common grammatical pitfalls, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles, may also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is undeniable that the average weight of the population is increasing prevalently among different nations worldwide due to their lifestyle habits. In this essay, I will examine some significant factors and give feasible solutions to resolve this issue.

To begin with, this problem may be caused by some essential elements. First of all, one of the foremost reasons is associated with the consumption of unhealthy foods. People are more likely to adopt Western dietary habits and eventually end up eating highly processed foods like fried chicken, hamburgers, and pizza. These foods do not contain any nutritional value and are rich in oils, sugars, and salts, which leads to a deficiency in basic nutrients such as proteins, vitamins, and minerals. Consuming excessive amounts of junk food will increase the average weight of the population in a short period of time. Moreover, some people in different nations tend to have a sedentary lifestyle. They do not engage in any physical activities, primarily sitting or sleeping for long periods. As a result, if they continue to live passively, people will fall ill more frequently and lose their health permanently.

Numerous strong measures should be implemented to tackle this issue. The first one is that the government should raise awareness through health programs broadcast on social networks. This may be the most effective way because people will consider what they should consume and expand their understanding of how to maintain a healthy, proper, and balanced diet. For example, doctors may encourage people to limit their sugar, salt, meat, and calorie intake for each meal. Importantly, it is often said that “prevention is better than cure” and that exercising is never bad for health. Individuals should engage in regular vigorous exercise on a daily basis to maintain their strength and enhance their health permanently.

In conclusion, anyone can be a patient of obesity because it is easy for everyone to suffer, so we should implement the most effective solutions for ourselves to prevent this problem.