One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweighed the disadvantages?

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweighed the disadvantages?

It is widely witnessed that researching in the medical field enhances the living standard and increases the mean life-age. I hold the belief that the drawbacks of this development are far more significant than the benefits involved.

The fact that medical achievements improve their health and prolong their lifespan. Improving their physical and mental lives strengthens the quality of human resources for society. Not only the younger, the elders are now eligible for continuing their earnings, leading to contributing prosperity to any nation. Statistics have proved that the higher percentage of people over 65 are still wise enough to run a strategic position in their company. Another advantage is the youngsters can learn from experience and enjoy every moment with their families without having to fear the loss caused by illness. This will reinforce traditional beauty and good qualities through generations and make their lives actually meaningful and less stressful.

Despite the aforementioned benefits, this trend can have several major downsides. If the ratio of the elders grows up, the total population will also boost. That leads to several potential environmental risks because a large demand for spaces and resources are needed to meet basic needs for everyone. As a result, a lot of natural conservation lands substituted leads to the ecological imbalance that ultimately kills humans. Another aspect is that higher life expectancy does not mean having a healthy life. For instance, some luckily overcoming some fatal diseases such as cancer or HIV/AIDS may have serious consequences related to the immune system or genetics because of the side effects of drugs or treatments.

In conclusion, the fact that medicine increases the survivability of patients. However, I believe that this development is more disadvantageous due to the negative effect on the ecology and their health following treatments.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"widely witnessed" -> "widely recognized"
Explanation: "Widely recognized" is a more formal and appropriate phrase for academic writing, conveying the idea that it is commonly acknowledged or accepted.
"mean life-age" -> "average life expectancy"
Explanation: "Average life expectancy" is a standard term used in discussions about lifespan and is more precise than "mean life-age."
"I hold the belief" -> "I contend"
Explanation: "I contend" maintains formality while expressing the author’s stance with confidence, suitable for academic writing.
"achievements improve their health" -> "advancements improve health"
Explanation: "Advancements" is a more precise and formal term than "achievements" in the context of medical progress.
"Not only the younger, the elders" -> "Both the younger generation and the elderly"
Explanation: This revision offers a smoother and more structured sentence, maintaining clarity and formality.
"eligible for continuing their earnings" -> "able to continue earning"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase while retaining its meaning improves readability without sacrificing formality.
"leading to contributing prosperity" -> "leading to prosperity"
Explanation: Removing redundancy enhances conciseness and clarity without altering the intended meaning.
"have proved" -> "have demonstrated"
Explanation: "Demonstrated" is a more formal term commonly used in academic writing to indicate proof or evidence.
"still wise enough" -> "still capable"
Explanation: "Still capable" is a more neutral and formal expression, avoiding subjective assessments like "wise."
"run a strategic position" -> "hold strategic positions"
Explanation: "Hold strategic positions" is a clearer and more formal way to convey the idea of occupying important roles within a company.
"enjoy every moment with their families" -> "cherish moments with their families"
Explanation: "Cherish" adds a nuanced emotional aspect while maintaining formality, suitable for academic tone.
"reinforce traditional beauty and good qualities" -> "preserve traditional values and virtues"
Explanation: "Preserve traditional values and virtues" is a more precise and formal expression that captures the intended meaning.
"through generations" -> "for generations"
Explanation: "For generations" is a more accurate phrase to indicate the continuity of traditions and values over time.
"Despite the aforementioned benefits" -> "Despite these advantages"
Explanation: "Despite these advantages" is a more concise and precise transition phrase, improving flow and formality.
"major downsides" -> "significant drawbacks"
Explanation: "Significant drawbacks" is a more formal and precise term for expressing negative aspects.
"boost" -> "increase"
Explanation: "Increase" is a more formal and suitable term for academic writing than "boost."
"substituted leads to" -> "resulting in substitution leads to"
Explanation: Adding "resulting in" clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship, improving the sentence’s coherence and formality.
"ultimate kills humans" -> "ultimately endangers human lives"
Explanation: "Ultimately endangers human lives" is a more formal and accurate expression of the consequences described.
"does not mean having a healthy life" -> "does not necessarily equate to a healthy life"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more precise and formal, maintaining clarity while enhancing academic tone.
"some luckily overcoming" -> "some who are fortunate enough to overcome"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality while avoiding the colloquial use of "luckily."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of increased life expectancy due to improved medical care. It discusses how longer life spans benefit society by enhancing the workforce and fostering intergenerational relationships. However, it also acknowledges drawbacks such as environmental strain and health issues associated with prolonged life.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure a more balanced exploration of advantages and disadvantages. While the essay effectively discusses the disadvantages, it could provide more nuanced examples and explanations for the benefits of increased life expectancy.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits of increased life expectancy due to improved medical care. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, reinforce the position with stronger language and provide additional supporting evidence throughout the essay. Strengthening the thesis statement could also enhance the clarity of the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the advantages and disadvantages of increased life expectancy, but some points lack elaboration or evidence. For example, while discussing the benefits, it mentions strengthening the workforce but could provide specific examples or data to support this claim.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas effectively, provide concrete examples, statistics, or anecdotes to bolster arguments. Additionally, ensure that each point is fully developed and connected to the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the consequences of increased life expectancy due to improved medical care. However, some sections could be more focused, particularly in providing specific examples and elaborating on the environmental and health-related disadvantages.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, carefully structure the essay to ensure each paragraph directly relates to the topic. Avoid tangential discussions and prioritize relevance to the prompt throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, there is room for improvement in providing more balanced analysis, supporting ideas with evidence, and maintaining focus throughout the essay. Strengthening these areas can lead to a more cohesive and persuasive argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information logically, with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction presents the writer’s stance and previews the main points to be discussed. Body paragraphs delve into the advantages and disadvantages, each with its own distinct argument. However, there are instances where the progression of ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition from discussing the benefits to the drawbacks could be more seamless, enhancing coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to link ideas more effectively between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and progresses logically from one to the next.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs adequately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, there are areas where paragraph structure could be strengthened. For instance, the second paragraph could be divided into two separate paragraphs to differentiate between the advantages for younger and older individuals. This would enhance clarity and organization.
- How to improve: Aim for clearer delineation between ideas by breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones. Each paragraph should ideally present a single main idea supported by relevant examples or evidence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "despite" and "another aspect", to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there is limited variety and consistency in their use. Greater diversity in cohesive devices would enhance coherence and cohesion.
- How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, including conjunctions, pronouns, and transitional phrases. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately to guide the reader through the flow of ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an attempt at logical organization and adequate paragraphing, there is room for improvement in enhancing coherence and cohesion through smoother transitions and greater variety in cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing its effectiveness in conveying the writer’s arguments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, covering terms related to medical advancements, life expectancy, societal impacts, and ecological concerns. For example, terms like "medical achievements," "life-age," "prosperity," "ecological imbalance," and "survivability" are used. However, some of the vocabulary lacks precision and could be more varied. There are repetitive phrases and a need for more nuanced vocabulary to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve lexical resource, introduce a wider variety of vocabulary that accurately conveys specific meanings. Replace general terms like "benefits," "drawbacks," and "advantages" with more descriptive and varied synonyms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "advantages," consider words like "beneficial aspects," "positive outcomes," or "merits." Employing more specific vocabulary can enhance the richness and depth of your writing.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay employs vocabulary relevant to the topic, there are instances where vocabulary usage could be more precise. For instance, phrases like "improve their health and prolong their lifespan" could benefit from more exact wording. Additionally, certain terms like "life-age" are unconventional and could be replaced with clearer expressions such as "life expectancy."
- How to improve: Aim for precise vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meanings. Instead of using general terms like "improve health," consider more specific terms like "enhance health outcomes" or "prolong life expectancy." Ensure that each word choice aligns closely with the intended message to avoid ambiguity and enhance clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays an acceptable level of spelling accuracy, but there are a few errors throughout. For example, "survivability" and "life-age" are non-standard terms, and "witnessed" might be better replaced with "observed" for clarity. Additionally, there are some minor grammatical errors that impact readability.
- How to improve: Enhance spelling accuracy through consistent proofreading and utilizing tools like spell checkers. Review the usage of unconventional terms and ensure they are contextually appropriate. Focus on improving grammatical accuracy to enhance overall clarity and coherence in your writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a competent level of vocabulary use but would benefit from enhancing both range and precision. Focus on incorporating a wider variety of specific vocabulary while refining spelling and grammar to further elevate the overall quality and effectiveness of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, it employs simple declarative sentences ("The fact that medical achievements improve their health and prolong their lifespan."), compound sentences ("Improving their physical and mental lives strengthens the quality of human resources for society."), and complex sentences with subordinate clauses ("If the ratio of the elders grows up, the total population will also boost."). However, there is room for improvement in enhancing the diversity of sentence structures further to add variety and sophistication to the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s effectiveness, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences, parallel structures, and varied sentence lengths. This could involve using relative clauses, participial phrases, or inversion to create more nuanced and engaging sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammar and punctuation. However, there are several instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies throughout the text. For example, in the sentence "Statistics have proved that the higher percentage of people over 65 are still wise enough to run a strategic position in their company," the subject-verb agreement is incorrect ("are" should be "is"), and there is a missing article before "strategic position." Additionally, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas and incorrect usage of conjunctions.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it is essential to review and practice fundamental grammar rules, including subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation conventions. Proofreading the essay carefully to identify and correct errors in grammar and punctuation would also be beneficial. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors can help identify recurring mistakes and areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely recognized that advancements in the medical field contribute to an increase in life expectancy. I contend that while there are advantages to this development, the drawbacks outweigh them.

Advancements in medical care improve health and extend lifespan, benefiting both the younger generation and the elderly. This allows individuals to continue earning and contribute to societal prosperity. Statistics have demonstrated that many individuals over 65 are still capable of holding strategic positions in companies. Additionally, longer lifespans enable people to cherish moments with their families without the fear of illness, preserving traditional values and virtues for generations.

Despite these advantages, there are significant drawbacks. An increase in the elderly population can lead to environmental risks due to the greater demand for resources, resulting in the substitution of natural conservation lands and ultimately endangering human lives through ecological imbalance. Furthermore, higher life expectancy does not necessarily equate to a healthy life, as some individuals who overcome fatal diseases may experience serious health consequences due to the side effects of treatments.

In conclusion, while medical advancements improve survivability, the negative effects on ecology and health following treatments make this development more disadvantageous overall.