Online shopping is increasing dramatically. How could this trend affect our environment and the kinds of jobs required?

It has become increasingly prevalent for people to shop online. There are several effects on not only our environment but also many other jobs that are caused by online malls.

On the one hand, online purchasing would negatively impact our environment. A primary reason behind this is that online shopping gives rise to the number of transportation for delivery, such as trucks, cars, and motorbikes, thereby the number of fumes released from these vehicles. A good illustration of this is that the capital of Viet Nam-Ha Noi which is famous for various online devices has become one of the most alarming countries about the enormous amount of exhaust. Moreover, online malls would cause a lot of environmental problems, like air pollution, climate change, and global warming. The implication of this is that online purchasing would lead to several kinds of serious pollution and gradually damage our environment

On the other hand, the trend of shopping on the Internet would affect different jobs regarding. This seems to stem from the fact that people, especially the young, now prioritize doing online jobs over working in companies. They would be drawn to the benefits of online sites, leading to the increase of diversity jobs, such as KOL, reviewer, and streamer. This is perfectly exemplified in the case of a popular online job- food reviewer, a numerous number of food reviewers appear on Tiktok and other websites. Additionally, the decrease of traditional jobs would be attributed to online shopping. This could give rise to a situation where the rate of unemployment increases, thereby difficulties incurred for governments.

In conclusion, online purchasing can cause numerous risks to both our environment and the kinds of jobs required.

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Errors and Improvements:

"It has become increasingly prevalent for people to shop online." -> "There is a growing prevalence of online shopping among consumers."
Explanation: Replacing the casual "It has become increasingly prevalent" with "There is a growing prevalence" maintains formality and clarity in expressing the rise of online shopping.
"many other jobs that are caused by online malls." -> "various occupations that are influenced by online retail."
Explanation: Substituting "many other jobs that are caused by" with "various occupations that are influenced by" provides a more precise and formal description of the impact of online malls on employment.
"A good illustration of this is that the capital of Viet Nam-Ha Noi which is famous for various online devices has become one of the most alarming countries about the enormous amount of exhaust." -> "An illustrative example is Hanoi, the capital of Vietnam, known for its widespread use of online devices, which has emerged as one of the countries most concerning in terms of significant exhaust emissions."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, while also avoiding unnecessary details like "various online devices," enhances the overall expression of the idea.
"online malls would cause a lot of environmental problems, like air pollution, climate change, and global warming." -> "online shopping platforms could contribute to a plethora of environmental issues, including air pollution, climate change, and global warming."
Explanation: Replacing the casual "a lot of" with "a plethora of" and restructuring the sentence improves formality and precision in describing the potential environmental problems caused by online shopping.
"The implication of this is that online purchasing would lead to several kinds of serious pollution and gradually damage our environment." -> "Consequently, online purchasing could result in various forms of severe pollution, gradually harming our environment."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and replacing "kinds of" with "forms of" enhances precision and formality in conveying the consequences of online purchasing.
"This seems to stem from the fact that people, especially the young, now prioritize doing online jobs over working in companies." -> "This phenomenon appears to be rooted in the preference of individuals, particularly the younger generation, for online employment over traditional corporate roles."
Explanation: Substituting "seems to stem from" with "appears to be rooted in" and rephrasing for clarity elevates the formality and precision of the sentence.
"They would be drawn to the benefits of online sites, leading to the increase of diversity jobs, such as KOL, reviewer, and streamer." -> "Individuals are drawn to the advantages offered by online platforms, resulting in the diversification of job opportunities, such as Key Opinion Leader (KOL), reviewer, and streamer roles."
Explanation: Enhancing formality by replacing "They would be drawn to" with "Individuals are drawn to" and specifying job titles in parentheses adds precision to the statement.
"This is perfectly exemplified in the case of a popular online job- food reviewer, a numerous number of food reviewers appear on Tiktok and other websites." -> "This is exemplified by the popularity of online professions, such as the role of a food reviewer, with a multitude of individuals showcasing their reviews on platforms like TikTok and other websites."
Explanation: Improving formality by replacing "perfectly exemplified" with "exemplified" and eliminating redundancy in "a numerous number of" enhances the clarity and precision of the sentence.
"the decrease of traditional jobs would be attributed to online shopping." -> "The decline in traditional employment can be attributed to the rise of online shopping."
Explanation: Substituting "the decrease of" with "the decline in" and rephrasing for clarity and conciseness improves the formality and precision of the statement.
"This could give rise to a situation where the rate of unemployment increases, thereby difficulties incurred for governments." -> "This could lead to a scenario in which the unemployment rate rises, posing challenges for governments."
Explanation: Enhancing formality by replacing "give rise to a situation" with "lead to a scenario" and rephrasing for clarity and conciseness improves the overall academic tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Quoted text: "It has become increasingly prevalent for people to shop online. There are several effects on not only our environment but also many other jobs that are caused by online malls."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction does mention the trend of online shopping and its effects on the environment and jobs, but it lacks a clear and concise thesis statement that outlines the writer’s position on the topic. It would be beneficial to explicitly state whether the writer supports or opposes the growth of online shopping and briefly preview the main points that will be discussed in the essay.
- Improved example: "The surge in online shopping is undeniable, impacting both our environment and job markets. In this essay, I will explore the adverse environmental consequences and the transformative effects on employment patterns caused by the rise of online malls."
Quoted text: "On the one hand, online purchasing would negatively impact our environment. A primary reason behind this is that online shopping gives rise to the number of transportation for delivery, such as trucks, cars, and motorbikes, thereby the number of fumes released from these vehicles."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The first body paragraph effectively addresses the environmental impact of online shopping. However, to strengthen the argument, specific examples or instances related to the writer’s own experiences or observations could be included. This would provide more depth to the analysis and make the argument more persuasive.
- Improved example: "Online shopping significantly contributes to environmental degradation through increased transportation emissions. For instance, in my hometown, the surge in online deliveries has led to a noticeable deterioration in air quality, with delivery vehicles becoming a major source of pollution."
Quoted text: "On the other hand, the trend of shopping on the Internet would affect different jobs regarding. This seems to stem from the fact that people, especially the young, now prioritize doing online jobs over working in companies."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The second body paragraph introduces the impact of online shopping on employment, mentioning the shift towards online jobs. However, it lacks specific examples or scenarios to illustrate this trend. To enhance the response, the writer should provide concrete examples or personal experiences related to the transformation of job preferences.
- Improved example: "The shift towards online shopping has not only altered consumer habits but has also influenced career choices, particularly among the younger generation. For instance, many of my peers now prefer pursuing careers as Key Opinion Leaders (KOLs) or content reviewers on online platforms rather than opting for traditional office-based jobs."

Overall, while the essay addresses the task, providing more specific examples and refining the thesis statements would enhance its overall coherence and persuasiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay exhibits a coherent structure and a clear progression of ideas. There’s an attempt at organizing information, with a discernible introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The writer addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the environmental impacts and changes in job types due to online shopping. However, the essay lacks depth and development in each paragraph, affecting the overall coherence. Sentences within paragraphs could be better connected to enhance the flow.

How to Improve:

Develop each point further with specific examples or elaboration to avoid a superficial treatment of the topic.
Work on linking sentences more effectively to create a smoother flow between ideas.
Ensure a more balanced and detailed discussion of both positive and negative impacts on the environment and job markets due to online shopping.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It employs some less common vocabulary items and tries to discuss the impact of online shopping on the environment and various jobs. There is an attempt to present specific vocabulary related to environmental issues (e.g., air pollution, climate change) and different types of jobs arising from online platforms (e.g., KOL, reviewer, streamer). However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and occasional errors in word formation and spelling, which slightly affect precision and clarity. For instance, there are issues with sentence structures and vocabulary coherence, causing some ideas to be less effectively communicated.

How to improve:

Lexical Precision: Enhance precision by using more accurate and varied vocabulary related to the environment and job markets. Utilize synonyms or more specific terms where appropriate.
Sentence Structure and Clarity: Refine sentence structures for clearer communication of ideas. Focus on ensuring that the vocabulary chosen fits well within the sentence context.
Proofreading: Pay close attention to spelling and word formation to reduce errors that may impede reader understanding. Proofreading helps in rectifying these issues.

Improving precision and refining the use of vocabulary while paying attention to spelling and sentence structure would elevate the essay’s Lexical Resource band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. It attempts to use a variety of structures, but there are noticeable grammatical errors and some punctuation issues that slightly reduce communication. The writer provides a reasonable range of vocabulary and attempts to convey ideas coherently, but the execution is not flawless.

How to improve:

Grammar and Punctuation: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and use of articles. For example, in the sentence "There are several effects on not only our environment but also many other jobs that are caused by online malls," there is an agreement error ("effects" should be "effects on"). Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas and improper use of capitalization.
Sentence Structure: While the essay attempts a variety of structures, some sentences could be clearer with a more straightforward construction. For instance, the sentence "This seems to stem from the fact that people, especially the young, now prioritize doing online jobs over working in companies" could benefit from better clarity and precision.
Word Choice and Redundancy: The writer should be cautious about repetitive phrases, like "online malls" and "online purchasing." Diversify vocabulary for a more sophisticated expression.
Develop Ideas Further: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and elaboration. Providing specific examples and expanding on the consequences of online shopping for the environment and jobs would strengthen the argument.

By addressing these points, the essay can enhance its grammatical accuracy, coherence, and overall effectiveness.

Bài sửa mẫu

The surge in online shopping has become a prevalent trend, impacting not only our environment but also various job sectors. On one hand, the environmental repercussions of online shopping are noteworthy. A key factor contributing to this is the increased transportation for deliveries, involving trucks, cars, and motorbikes, leading to a rise in emissions. For instance, Ha Noi, the capital of Viet Nam, renowned for its online retail activity, has witnessed a concerning increase in exhaust emissions. Furthermore, online malls contribute to environmental issues such as air pollution, climate change, and global warming, posing a serious threat to our surroundings.

On the flip side, the prevalence of online shopping has implications for diverse job opportunities. This is primarily because individuals, particularly the younger generation, are prioritizing online employment over traditional roles in companies. The appeal of online platforms has led to the emergence of various jobs, including Key Opinion Leaders (KOLs), reviewers, and streamers. A clear example of this is the rise of food reviewers as a popular online occupation, with numerous individuals showcasing their reviews on platforms like TikTok and other websites. However, this shift towards online jobs could potentially lead to a decline in traditional employment, resulting in increased unemployment rates and presenting challenges for governments.

In conclusion, the growth of online shopping poses significant risks to both the environment and the job landscape, emphasizing the need for a balanced approach to mitigate its adverse effects.