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People in many countries are spending less time with their family. What are the reasons, and effects of this?

People in many countries are spending less time with their family. What are the reasons, and effects of this?

"In recent years, a concerning trend has emerged in many countries, wherein people are spending less time with their families. This essay will explore the reasons behind this phenomenon and its effects on individuals and society. One significant factor contributing to the decline in family time is the increasing demands of work. In today's fast-paced and competitive world, individuals often spend hours and hours on their work in order to have a well-paid salary. Consequently, they will have limited time to spend with their families. Another reason is the prevalence of technology and the rise of social media. The advent of smartphones and social networking platforms has led to a constant connectivity with the outside world. People are often engrossed in their virtual lives, spending excessive time surfing the internet, playing online games, or engaging in other digital activities. This has led to a decline in face-to-face interactions and conversations within families. The decline in family time has several detrimental effects on individuals and society. Regarding the former, reduced family interactions can lead to a breakdown in communication and emotional bonds. Regular family discussions and conversations play a vital role in fostering trust, understanding, and support among family members. Without sufficient time spent together, individuals may feel isolated, leading to feelings of loneliness and detachment. From a social perspective, family ties often serve as a foundation for societal cohesion, as shared values and traditions are passed down through generations; therefore when individuals spend less time with their families, they are less likely to engage in community activities and social interactions. . Hence, the decline in family time can contribute to a breakdown in social networks and a decline in community engagement. In conclusion, the decline in family time due to work demands and the influence of technology has significant effects on individuals and society. This will lead to a breakdown in individuals’ communication, emotional bonds, and social connections. " WHAT BAND SCORE OF IELTS WRITING TASK 1 CAN THIS ESSAY GET ON 4 CRITERIA, GIVE ME A APPROXIMATE NUMBER


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In recent years" -> "Recently"
    Explanation: Replacing the phrase "In recent years" with "Recently" provides a more concise and formal introduction to the topic.

  2. "wherein people are spending" -> "where people spend"
    Explanation: Simplifying "wherein people are spending" to "where people spend" removes unnecessary complexity and aligns with a more direct academic style.

  3. "hours and hours" -> "extended periods"
    Explanation: Substituting "hours and hours" with "extended periods" maintains the emphasis on the duration of time spent on work, but in a more sophisticated manner.

  4. "well-paid salary" -> "lucrative income"
    Explanation: Replacing "well-paid salary" with "lucrative income" enhances the formality of the sentence by using a more advanced term.

  5. "Consequently, they will have limited time" -> "As a consequence, their time becomes limited"
    Explanation: The replacement adds formality and clarity by rephrasing the causal connection more explicitly.

  6. "engrossed in their virtual lives" -> "immersed in their online activities"
    Explanation: Substituting "engrossed in their virtual lives" with "immersed in their online activities" maintains the meaning while using more formal language.

  7. "excessive time" -> "prolonged periods"
    Explanation: Replacing "excessive time" with "prolonged periods" conveys a similar idea but in a more academically appropriate manner.

  8. "surfing the internet" -> "browsing the internet"
    Explanation: The term "browsing the internet" is a more refined alternative to "surfing the internet" in an academic context.

  9. "engaging in other digital activities" -> "participating in various digital pursuits"
    Explanation: Substituting "engaging in other digital activities" with "participating in various digital pursuits" adds specificity and formality to the sentence.

  10. "detrimental effects" -> "adverse consequences"
    Explanation: Replacing "detrimental effects" with "adverse consequences" introduces a more formal and precise term.

  11. "Regarding the former" -> "Concerning the former"
    Explanation: Replacing "Regarding the former" with "Concerning the former" maintains formality and coherence in transitioning to the next point.

  12. "Regular family discussions" -> "Routine family discussions"
    Explanation: The term "routine family discussions" is more formal and aligns with academic language, enhancing the overall tone of the sentence.

  13. "fostering trust, understanding, and support" -> "cultivating trust, comprehension, and assistance"
    Explanation: Substituting "fostering trust, understanding, and support" with "cultivating trust, comprehension, and assistance" utilizes more advanced vocabulary.

  14. "individuals may feel isolated" -> "individuals may experience isolation"
    Explanation: The replacement provides a more formal expression while maintaining the intended meaning.

  15. "family ties often serve as a foundation" -> "family ties commonly function as a cornerstone"
    Explanation: Substituting "family ties often serve as a foundation" with "family ties commonly function as a cornerstone" elevates the language to a more formal level.

  16. "pass down through generations" -> "transmit through generations"
    Explanation: The phrase "transmit through generations" is a more formal alternative to "pass down through generations."

  17. "when individuals spend less time" -> "as individuals allocate less time"
    Explanation: The replacement enhances formality and precision by using "allocate" instead of "spend."

  18. "breakdown in social networks" -> "deterioration of social networks"
    Explanation: Replacing "breakdown in social networks" with "deterioration of social networks" introduces a more formal term.

  19. "a decline in community engagement" -> "reduced participation in community activities"
    Explanation: Substituting "a decline in community engagement" with "reduced participation in community activities" maintains clarity while using more formal language.

  20. "In conclusion" -> "To conclude"
    Explanation: The transition "To conclude" is a more formal alternative to "In conclusion" commonly used in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the question. It identifies and analyzes the reasons behind the decline in family time and explores the effects on individuals and society. Relevant examples are provided to support the points made.
    • How to improve: The essay could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the reasons and effects. While it mentions work demands and technology, further depth and specificity in discussing these factors would enhance the analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the decline in family time is primarily due to work demands and the influence of technology. This stance is consistently upheld in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the essay could explicitly state the main argument in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It introduces the main factors contributing to the decline in family time (work demands and technology) and elaborates on their effects on individuals and society. Examples are provided to illustrate and support key points.
    • How to improve: While the essay provides good examples, it could further enhance the depth of analysis by exploring counterarguments or alternative perspectives, adding richness to the discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the reasons and effects of the decline in family time. However, there is a minor deviation towards the end of the second paragraph, where the essay briefly touches on the positive aspects of family interactions.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should avoid introducing new ideas or perspectives that are not directly related to the main argument. If discussing positive aspects, it should be done in the context of addressing potential counterarguments.

Overall Feedback:
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses each criterion for Task Response. To improve, the writer should aim for more depth in the analysis, explicitly state the main argument in the introduction, explore alternative perspectives, and avoid minor deviations from the main topic. Overall, a well-structured and articulate response that aligns with the expectations for an IELTS Band 8 essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that outlines the purpose of the essay, followed by clear and distinct body paragraphs addressing the reasons and effects of spending less time with family. The ideas are presented in a sequential manner, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there is room for improvement in the transition between the body paragraphs to create a smoother flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit transitional phrases between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "Moreover" or "Furthermore" could be employed to better connect the ideas and create a seamless progression of thoughts.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to structure its content. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the prompt, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. However, there is a minor issue in the last paragraph, where the concluding remarks seem abrupt and could be expanded to provide a more comprehensive closure to the essay.
    • How to improve: Extend the conclusion to summarize the key points discussed in the essay. This will provide a more satisfying closure to the reader, reinforcing the main arguments and leaving a lasting impression.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs. For instance, words like "consequently," "Another reason is," and "In conclusion" are used effectively to guide the reader through the essay. However, there is a slight overuse of the phrase "decline in family time," and diversifying the language could enhance overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Introduce synonyms or alternative expressions for "decline in family time" to prevent repetition. This will not only improve cohesion but also add lexical variety to the essay, contributing to a more engaging and nuanced writing style.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of explicit transitions between paragraphs, extending the conclusion, and diversifying the language used for cohesive devices. These adjustments will contribute to a more refined and polished essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. It effectively employs diverse words such as "phenomenon," "engrossed," "cohesion," and "detachment." These choices contribute to a nuanced discussion of the topic. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more sophisticated and contextually precise vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance your lexical resource, consider integrating more advanced vocabulary that aligns closely with the context. For instance, instead of using "concerning trend," you might opt for "troubling societal shift." This subtle upgrade can elevate the sophistication of your expression.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where words could be more accurately chosen. For example, the phrase "individuals often spend hours and hours on their work" could be refined to "individuals frequently dedicate extended hours to their work." This shift would convey a more precise meaning.
    • How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to the specific meanings of words and phrases. In cases where there’s room for greater precision, consult a thesaurus or consider alternative words that encapsulate the intended meaning more accurately. This practice will enhance the precision of your vocabulary.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally correct level of spelling throughout. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as missing articles (e.g., "a breakdown in individuals’ communication"). While these do not severely impact understanding, refining spelling accuracy will add a polished touch to your writing.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread your work carefully. Utilize spell-check tools, but also consider reading your essay aloud, as this can help identify spelling errors that might be overlooked by automated tools. Additionally, pay special attention to articles, as these are commonly overlooked.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a commendable vocabulary range and overall correct spelling, there is room for refinement in the precision of vocabulary choices. Focus on incorporating more sophisticated terms where appropriate and ensure meticulous attention to detail in spelling to elevate the lexical resource score further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied range of sentence structures. There is a mix of complex and compound sentences, contributing to a satisfactory overall sentence variety. For instance, the essay employs complex sentences when discussing the impact of technology on family interactions. However, more complex structures, such as the use of relative clauses or conditional sentences, could enhance the essay’s sophistication.
    • How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex constructions. For instance, include relative clauses to provide additional information or use conditional sentences to explore hypothetical scenarios. This will elevate the overall complexity of the essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement issues are present. For example, in the sentence "This will lead to a breakdown in individuals’ communication," the subject "This" should agree with the singular verb "will lead," yet it refers to the plural concept of "effects." Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement. In this case, using a plural subject or modifying the sentence structure to maintain agreement would resolve the issue. Additionally, review and ensure consistent use of commas, especially before introductory phrases, to improve overall punctuation accuracy.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a commendable grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and addressing specific grammar and punctuation issues. Taking these suggestions into account can contribute to an even more refined and sophisticated essay in future writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, there is a concerning trend observed in many countries where individuals are dedicating less time to their families. This essay aims to examine the reasons behind this phenomenon and its impacts on individuals and society. One notable factor contributing to this decline in family time is the escalating demands of work. In today’s fast-paced and competitive world, people often devote extended periods to their jobs in pursuit of a lucrative income. Consequently, their time becomes limited for family engagement.

Another factor is the widespread use of technology and the prevalence of social media. The advent of smartphones and social networking platforms has resulted in continuous connectivity with the outside world. Individuals find themselves immersed in their online activities, spending prolonged periods browsing the internet, participating in various digital pursuits such as playing online games, or engaging in other virtual interactions. This shift has led to a reduction in face-to-face interactions and conversations within families.

The decline in family time manifests adverse consequences on both individuals and society. Concerning the former, reduced family interactions can result in a breakdown of communication and emotional bonds. Routine family discussions play a pivotal role in cultivating trust, comprehension, and assistance among family members. When individuals allocate less time to these interactions, they may experience isolation, leading to feelings of loneliness and detachment.

From a societal perspective, family ties commonly function as a cornerstone for societal cohesion. Shared values and traditions are transmitted through generations, contributing to community stability. However, as individuals spend less time with their families, there is a noticeable deterioration in social networks and reduced participation in community activities. The consequence is a decline in community engagement and social interactions.

To conclude, the decline in family time, driven by work demands and the influence of technology, has significant effects on individuals and society. This shift contributes to a breakdown in communication, emotional bonds, and social connections, impacting both personal and community well-being.

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