People living in the 21st century have a better quality of life than in previous centuries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People living in the 21st century have a better quality of life than in previous centuries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the 21st century, individuals experience an improved quality of life compared to those in preceding centuries. In my opinion, I agree with this point of view because many developments intended to enhance human living conditions, particularly in preferences of education and healthcare have been made over the course of the last decades.
First and foremost, it is apparent that people in this day and age are granted state-of-the-art technicalities augmenting human development and expanding longevity by assisting them with breakthrough treatment. With the advent of digital medical software, there is no need for people from remote areas to commute a long distance to get intensive treatment from doctors, instead, online-based medical platforms will enable them to have contact with doctors from prestigious hospitals around the nation, thereby extending the lifespan and longevity of the mass. Furthermore, many ailments once regarded as chronic and incurable, can be remiss by breakthrough and thorough rehabilitation of high-tech devices and strict supervision of built-in computer chips. For example, to expand their proximal business activities and disseminate medical knowledge by approaching people, even those who are currently living in difficulties, the Mayo Clinic has developed an application on mobiles that can serve as a “digital doctor” to diagnose individuals’ illnesses and provide constant assistance.
Secondly, when it comes to education, many remarkable developments have been made during the last two decades by shifting their attention from primarily knowledge acquisition to individuals’ demands and talents. If during the 1960s, the formal authority that empowered the role of teachers in class and one-sided lectures remained the most prominent teaching style in the West, nowadays, education has made a novel approach to student-oriented teaching methods by providing them the universal learning design such as encouraging cooperation and debate among students and placing more emphasis on authentic assessment. Students when enrolling in one course are offered a large subset of skills that not only to excel in academic performances but also strive in real-life situations. This case demonstrates that educational institutions are aiming to tailor individuals’ needs and unlock hidden potentials, ultimately, enhancing their employability in the workforce.
In summary, due to the significant shift in education and healthcare providing, integrated with advanced technology, people living in this decade have more privileges to access well-qualified and well-constructed medical care and teaching strategies than senior generations.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "many developments intended to enhance human living conditions" -> "numerous advancements aimed at improving human living conditions"
    Explanation: Replacing "many developments intended to enhance" with "numerous advancements aimed at" provides a more precise and formal expression, aligning with academic style.

  2. "preferences of education and healthcare" -> "aspects of education and healthcare"
    Explanation: Changing "preferences of education and healthcare" to "aspects of education and healthcare" clarifies the intended meaning, emphasizing the elements or components of these fields rather than personal preferences.

  3. "First and foremost, it is apparent" -> "Primarily, it is evident"
    Explanation: Substituting "First and foremost, it is apparent" with "Primarily, it is evident" maintains a formal tone while enhancing the clarity of the statement.

  4. "state-of-the-art technicalities" -> "cutting-edge technologies"
    Explanation: Replacing "state-of-the-art technicalities" with "cutting-edge technologies" conveys the same idea in a more standard and concise manner, fitting academic writing conventions.

  5. "augmenting human development and expanding longevity" -> "advancing human development and extending longevity"
    Explanation: Changing "augmenting" to "advancing" and "expanding" to "extending" contributes to a more formal and precise language, emphasizing progress in human development and lifespan.

  6. "intensive treatment from doctors" -> "comprehensive medical care from physicians"
    Explanation: Substituting "intensive treatment from doctors" with "comprehensive medical care from physicians" offers a more accurate and formal expression, avoiding potential ambiguity.

  7. "online-based medical platforms" -> "internet-based medical platforms"
    Explanation: Using "internet-based" instead of "online-based" is more commonly accepted in formal language, maintaining the technological context while adhering to academic conventions.

  8. "can be remiss by breakthrough and thorough rehabilitation" -> "can be alleviated through breakthroughs and comprehensive rehabilitation"
    Explanation: Changing "can be remiss by" to "can be alleviated through" and restructuring the sentence enhances clarity and formal expression.

  9. "strict supervision of built-in computer chips" -> "rigorous oversight of embedded computer chips"
    Explanation: Substituting "strict supervision of" with "rigorous oversight of" maintains formality and precision in describing the monitoring of built-in computer chips.

  10. "For example, to expand their proximal business activities" -> "For instance, to broaden their local business operations"
    Explanation: Replacing "expand their proximal business activities" with "broaden their local business operations" provides a more formal and precise expression.

  11. "mobiles that can serve as a ‘digital doctor’" -> "mobile devices capable of serving as a ‘digital doctor’"
    Explanation: Using "mobile devices" instead of "mobiles" is more formal, and "capable of serving as" adds clarity to the description of technology.

  12. "during the last two decades" -> "over the past two decades"
    Explanation: Replacing "during the last two decades" with "over the past two decades" is a more formal way of expressing the time frame.

  13. "novel approach to student-oriented teaching methods" -> "innovative approach to student-centered teaching methods"
    Explanation: Substituting "novel" with "innovative" and "student-oriented" with "student-centered" maintains formality and precision.

  14. "universal learning design" -> "inclusive learning design"
    Explanation: Changing "universal" to "inclusive" maintains the meaning while using a more standard and formal term.

  15. "strive in real-life situations" -> "thrive in real-life situations"
    Explanation: Replacing "strive" with "thrive" enhances the positivity of the statement while maintaining a formal tone.

  16. "This case demonstrates" -> "This example illustrates"
    Explanation: Substituting "This case demonstrates" with "This example illustrates" is a more formal and precise way to introduce evidence.

  17. "tailor individuals’ needs" -> "address individuals’ needs"
    Explanation: Replacing "tailor" with "address" maintains formality while expressing the idea of meeting individuals’ needs.

  18. "due to the significant shift" -> "owing to the substantial shift"
    Explanation: Substituting "due to" with "owing to" and "significant" with "substantial" contributes to a more formal expression.

  19. "integrated with advanced technology" -> "integrated with state-of-the-art technology"
    Explanation: Adding "state-of-the-art" before "technology" enhances precision and formality.

  20. "people living in this decade" -> "individuals residing in this era"
    Explanation: Changing "people living in this decade" to "individuals residing in this era" offers a more formal and precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt by discussing improvements in quality of life in the 21st century, focusing on education and healthcare advancements.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider briefly acknowledging the potential counterargument or addressing nuances in the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, explicitly stating agreement with the idea that people in the 21st century have a better quality of life.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity, ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to supporting and reinforcing the main stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas with specific examples in both healthcare and education, providing detailed instances of technological advancements and shifts in teaching methods.
    • How to improve: Continue providing concrete examples and perhaps delve deeper into the potential challenges or criticisms of these advancements for a more thorough discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay consistently stays on topic, discussing advancements in healthcare and education as the key factors contributing to a better quality of life.
    • How to improve: Maintain a balance between the two discussed areas (healthcare and education) to ensure equal emphasis and prevent potential imbalance in coverage.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt, effectively presenting a well-structured response with specific examples. To further improve, consider acknowledging potential counterarguments, reinforcing the clarity of the main position in each paragraph, providing more in-depth examples, and ensuring a balanced discussion of both healthcare and education. This will contribute to a more comprehensive and nuanced exploration of the topic, potentially elevating the essay to an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a clear attempt at organization, employing a structured approach by discussing healthcare advancements first and then transitioning to developments in education. However, the logical progression could be enhanced. The introduction sets up the argument but lacks a clear roadmap of the subsequent paragraphs, leading to a somewhat abrupt shift between the discussions on healthcare and education.
    • How to improve: Consider a more explicit roadmap in the introduction, outlining the essay’s structure by previewing the key points in healthcare and education. Additionally, ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs to maintain coherence. For instance, provide a more definitive concluding sentence for each paragraph that acts as a bridge to the subsequent point.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to structure content into distinct paragraphs, which is positive. However, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation. For instance, the second paragraph discusses advancements in healthcare but intertwines the ideas of medical technology and the Mayo Clinic’s mobile application without a distinct separation.
    • How to improve: Focus on unity within paragraphs by dedicating each to a single aspect of the argument. Consider breaking down the second paragraph into two separate sections, one focusing solely on technological advancements and another on the Mayo Clinic’s mobile application. Each paragraph should introduce, develop, and conclude around a single coherent idea.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices to link ideas within sentences (e.g., "Furthermore," "Secondly," "In summary"). However, the usage lacks diversity and sophistication, leading to a repetitive structure.
    • How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices used. Introduce more nuanced connectors ("Moreover," "Consequently," "In addition to this") and consider varying sentence structures for smoother transitions. For instance, use introductory phrases or clauses to connect ideas within and between paragraphs for a more cohesive flow.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a coherent attempt to address the prompt with clear points on healthcare and education, enhancing the structural organization, paragraph coherence, and varied use of cohesive devices can significantly improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. These adjustments will elevate the logical flow and make the essay more cohesive and structured for a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, employing terms such as "state-of-the-art technicalities," "breakthrough treatment," "proximal business activities," and "universal learning design." The vocabulary contributes to a nuanced and rich expression of ideas.
    • How to improve: While the vocabulary is diverse, ensure that the usage aligns seamlessly with the context. For instance, consider the phrase "breakthrough and thorough rehabilitation" where "thorough rehabilitation" might be redundant. Aim for precision and clarity in word choice.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, employing terms that accurately convey the intended meanings. For example, phrases like "strict supervision of built-in computer chips" and "digital doctor" are precise in their descriptions.
    • How to improve: Be cautious of potential redundancy or overemphasis. For instance, the phrase "state-of-the-art technicalities augmenting human development" could be streamlined to enhance clarity without sacrificing complexity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy with minimal errors. Noteworthy is the correct spelling of complex medical terms such as "Mayo Clinic" and the accurate use of words throughout.
    • How to improve: Maintain this level of accuracy by reviewing and proofreading. Pay particular attention to nuanced medical terms and complex vocabulary to ensure precision. Consider using spell-check tools to catch any inadvertent errors.

Overall Comments on Lexical Resource (Band Score 7):
The essay exhibits a commendable command of vocabulary with a diverse range of terms contributing to a sophisticated expression of ideas. The precision in word choice is generally strong, enhancing the clarity of communication. Spelling accuracy is satisfactory, with only minor improvements suggested. Continue to focus on refining word usage for optimal clarity and precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a varied range of sentence structures, including complex sentences, conditional sentences, and descriptive phrases. There’s an attempt to incorporate diverse sentence beginnings and structures, contributing to a moderate variety.
    • How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s linguistic variety, consider utilizing more advanced structures like reduced adjective clauses, inverted sentences, or more sophisticated connectors. Also, ensure a balanced distribution of sentence types for smoother readability.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the grammar usage is proficient, with complex sentence structures mostly used accurately. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement and word choice could be refined for precision. For example, "many remarkable developments have been made" could be enhanced to "numerous remarkable advancements have occurred."
    • How to improve: Review the use of articles ("the" vs. "a/an") and ensure consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay. Also, pay attention to the precision of expressions to avoid potential ambiguities.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage is generally effective, with correct application of commas and periods. However, there are some instances where comma splices occur, like in "many ailments once regarded as chronic and incurable, can be remiss by breakthrough."
    • How to improve: Focus on refining the use of semicolons and colons for clearer separation of ideas, especially when dealing with complex sentences. Address instances of comma splices by either separating clauses into distinct sentences or using appropriate conjunctions.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonably diverse range of sentence structures. To enhance the score further, pay closer attention to precision in grammar usage, refine punctuation skills, and aim for an even wider array of sentence structures to add depth and sophistication to your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the 21st century, individuals indeed enjoy an enhanced quality of life compared to previous centuries. I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective because numerous advancements aimed at improving human living conditions, especially in the realms of education and healthcare, have unfolded over the past decades.

Primarily, it is evident that cutting-edge technologies play a pivotal role in advancing human development and extending longevity. Breakthrough treatments, facilitated by state-of-the-art digital medical software, eliminate the need for individuals in remote areas to endure long commutes for intensive treatment. Internet-based medical platforms connect them with physicians from prestigious hospitals nationwide, significantly extending the mass’s lifespan. Moreover, ailments once deemed chronic and incurable can be alleviated through breakthroughs and comprehensive rehabilitation, facilitated by high-tech devices under rigorous oversight of embedded computer chips. For instance, to broaden their local business operations, the Mayo Clinic has developed a mobile application that transforms mobile devices into ‘digital doctors,’ capable of diagnosing illnesses and providing constant assistance, even for those facing living difficulties.

Turning to education, significant strides have been made in the past two decades, shifting from a focus on knowledge acquisition to addressing individuals’ demands and talents. This innovative approach to student-centered teaching methods includes an inclusive learning design that fosters cooperation and debate among students, placing a greater emphasis on authentic assessment. This shift ensures that students acquire a broad set of skills, not only excelling in academic performances but also thriving in real-life situations. This example illustrates the substantial shift in education towards addressing individuals’ needs and unlocking hidden potentials, ultimately enhancing employability in the workforce.

In conclusion, owing to the substantial shift in education and healthcare integrated with state-of-the-art technology, individuals residing in this era are privileged with greater access to well-qualified and well-constructed medical care and teaching strategies than previous generations.

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