People today are more concerned with owning material possessions than with developing friendships and family relationships. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

In today’s society, a materialistic lifestyle has become a priority for some individuals, in comparison with social friendships and family bonds. In my opinion, I believe that both holding valuable items and enhancing relationships play the same crucial role in human life and I will explain why in the following essay.
On the one hand, there are several reasons indicating why more and more people prioritize owning property. Since the world has been significantly developed nowadays, the increase of human needs is inevitable. To meet these demands, people have to spare no effort to gain status and satisfy their material needs. For instance, as sales of gadgets have increased to the highest point ever, some competitive consumers work tirelessly to own the most exclusive and high-end products. Acquiring assets also allows them to take good care of their families.
On the other hand, it is understandable that human contact can not be eliminated from our daily lives. By strengthening family relationships, we can become close-knit to other members and rely on their assistance. This does not only help foster our minds but also our emotional skills. According to some recent surveys, people who come from a supportive family tend to perform better in caring for others than the ones who do not. Moreover, everyone must have a confidant in their life, who they can confide in whenever they face breakdowns and challenges. These precious companionships are, indeed, what people need after being stuck in a restless daily routine.
In conclusion, I believe that both property and human relationships are especially essential in our lives. We should balance these two factors to improve our physical as well as mental health.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"In today’s society" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "Contemporary" is a more formal and precise term than "today’s."
"some individuals" -> "certain individuals"
Explanation: "Certain" adds a touch of formality and specificity, enhancing the academic tone.
"In my opinion, I believe that" -> "I contend that"
Explanation: "In my opinion, I believe that" is redundant. "I contend that" is more concise and formal.
"the following essay" -> "the subsequent discourse"
Explanation: "Essay" is slightly informal in this context. "Discourse" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "On the one hand" is less direct and formal compared to "Firstly."
"owning property" -> "acquiring possessions"
Explanation: "Owning property" is a bit colloquial. "Acquiring possessions" is more formal and encompasses a broader range of items.
"the increase of human needs" -> "the proliferation of human needs"
Explanation: "Increase" is common but "proliferation" is more formal and emphasizes rapid growth.
"to gain status" -> "to attain status"
Explanation: "Attain" is more precise and formal than "gain."
"the most exclusive and high-end products" -> "the most exclusive and premium products"
Explanation: "High-end" is somewhat informal. "Premium" maintains the meaning while being more formal.
"taking good care of their families" -> "providing for their families"
Explanation: "Taking good care of" is slightly informal. "Providing for" is more formal and concise.
"it is understandable that human contact can not be eliminated" -> "it is evident that human contact is indispensable"
Explanation: "Understandable" is somewhat informal. "Indispensable" is more formal and emphasizes necessity.
"come from a supportive family" -> "are from a supportive family background"
Explanation: Adding "background" clarifies the source of support, making the phrase more precise.
"tend to perform better in caring for others" -> "are more adept at caregiving"
Explanation: "Perform better in caring for others" is slightly informal. "Are more adept at caregiving" is more formal and precise.
"Moreover" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transition word.
"everyone must have a confidant in their life" -> "everyone should have a confidant"
Explanation: "Must have" is slightly informal. "Should have" is more formal and maintains the same meaning.
"These precious companionships" -> "Such valuable companionships"
Explanation: "Precious" is somewhat informal. "Valuable" maintains the meaning while being more formal.
"what people need after being stuck" -> "what individuals require after being ensnared"
Explanation: "Stuck" is informal. "Ensnared" is more formal and conveys a sense of entrapment.
"balance these two factors" -> "strike a balance between these two facets"
Explanation: "Balance these two factors" is slightly informal. "Strike a balance between these two facets" is more formal and precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses the prioritization of material possessions over friendships and family relationships, presents a clear opinion, and provides reasoning to support the viewpoint.
- How to improve: While the essay addresses all parts of the question, it could enhance clarity by explicitly stating the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement. For instance, stating "I strongly agree" or "I partially agree" would provide a clearer indication of the author’s stance.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that both material possessions and relationships are crucial in life. The author consistently supports this viewpoint with relevant arguments and examples.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the author could strengthen the thesis statement by directly stating the position taken on the issue in the introduction. This would help readers immediately understand the author’s stance without having to infer it from the content.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and elaborates on ideas, providing examples to support arguments. For instance, it discusses the increase in materialism due to societal development and the importance of family relationships in emotional well-being.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of analysis, the author could consider incorporating additional examples or evidence to further support the presented ideas. Providing real-life anecdotes or research findings could enhance the persuasiveness of the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the relationship between material possessions and relationships as prompted. However, there are moments where the connection between materialism and family relationships could be more explicitly articulated.
- How to improve: To ensure complete relevance to the topic, the author should consistently tie discussions back to the central theme of the impact of materialism on friendships and family relationships. This can be achieved by explicitly linking each point made to the overarching theme throughout the essay.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents arguments to support the author’s viewpoint. By refining the clarity of the thesis statement, providing additional evidence, and maintaining a clear connection to the topic throughout, the essay could further improve its coherence and persuasiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of information. Each paragraph focuses on either the prioritization of material possessions or the importance of relationships, providing clear arguments and examples to support the author’s viewpoint. The introduction sets up the discussion effectively by presenting the two sides of the argument, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that elaborate on each perspective before offering a balanced conclusion.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider strengthening transitions between paragraphs to ensure a seamless flow of ideas. Additionally, providing a brief roadmap of the essay’s structure in the introduction could help readers anticipate the upcoming arguments and improve overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to organize and develop ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. Topic sentences clearly introduce the main idea of each paragraph, followed by supporting details and examples to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: While the essay maintains a good structure overall, ensuring that each paragraph maintains unity and coherence is essential. Consider revisiting paragraph transitions to ensure a smooth progression of ideas from one point to the next. Additionally, varying sentence structures within paragraphs can enhance readability and engagement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. These include transitional phrases such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which signal shifts between different perspectives. Additionally, pronouns like "this" and "these" are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, maintaining clarity and cohesion.
- How to improve: While the essay demonstrates proficiency in using cohesive devices, incorporating a wider range of transitional expressions could further enrich the essay’s coherence. Experiment with synonyms for commonly used transitional phrases to avoid repetition and add nuance to the argument. Additionally, pay attention to pronoun clarity to ensure that referents are consistently clear and unambiguous throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly broad vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "materialistic lifestyle," "priority," "crucial role," "valuable items," "enhancing relationships," "human needs," "competitive consumers," "high-end products," "acquiring assets," "close-knit," "rely on their assistance," "emotional skills," "supportive family," "perform better," "confidant," "challenges," "companionships," and "restless daily routine." However, there is a tendency to rely on somewhat generic phrases and expressions at times, such as "take good care of their families," "strengthening family relationships," "foster our minds," and "improve our physical as well as mental health."
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more varied and precise vocabulary to express ideas more vividly and with greater nuance. For instance, instead of using general phrases like "take good care of their families," you could employ more specific language to describe the ways in which material possessions contribute to familial well-being. Additionally, aim to avoid clichés and explore alternative expressions to convey your points more effectively.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary, with terms employed in a manner that effectively conveys meaning. For example, phrases like "materialistic lifestyle," "strengthen family relationships," and "confidant" are used accurately to convey specific concepts. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise, such as the use of "competitive consumers" to describe individuals driven by consumerism, which could be further refined to capture the nuances of their behavior.
- How to improve: To further enhance precision in vocabulary usage, strive to select words and phrases that precisely capture the intended meaning and nuances of the ideas being expressed. Consider using a thesaurus or engaging in active vocabulary development exercises to expand your repertoire of precise terminology, enabling you to express ideas with greater clarity and specificity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally high level of spelling accuracy, with few instances of spelling errors detracting from the overall clarity of expression. Notable examples of correct spelling include terms such as "property," "acquiring," "companionships," and "challenges." However, there are a few minor spelling errors present, such as "can not" (should be "cannot") and "confidant" (should be "confidante").
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools to identify and correct errors before finalizing your writing. Additionally, reviewing common spelling patterns and practicing proofreading techniques can help to minimize errors and ensure greater precision in written communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the essay utilizes complex structures such as "Since the world has been significantly developed nowadays, the increase of human needs is inevitable," showcasing the ability to construct sophisticated sentences. Additionally, transitions like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" contribute to coherence and demonstrate an understanding of paragraph organization.
- How to improve: To further enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more advanced sentence types, such as conditional sentences or passive constructions. Additionally, pay attention to the balance between sentence lengths to ensure smooth flow and readability.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy with few errors. For instance, the use of verb tenses is generally correct, as seen in phrases like "the increase of human needs is inevitable." However, there are some instances of minor errors, such as in "it is understandable that human contact can not be eliminated," where "can not" should be written as "cannot" or "can’t" for proper grammatical accuracy. Punctuation is used effectively to separate clauses and indicate pauses, contributing to the coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and the proper use of articles (e.g., "a" vs. "an"). Additionally, proofreading carefully for typographical errors, such as the one mentioned above, can help eliminate minor mistakes and ensure precision in language use.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, there is a growing tendency for individuals to prioritize material possessions over nurturing friendships and family connections. However, I contend that both owning valuable items and cultivating relationships hold equal importance in human life, and I will elaborate on this viewpoint in the following essay.

On the one hand, there are compelling reasons why some people emphasize material wealth. With the significant advancements in today’s world, there is a surge in human desires and needs. Consequently, individuals exert considerable efforts to attain status and fulfill their materialistic desires. For instance, the demand for high-end gadgets has reached unprecedented levels, leading competitive consumers to strive relentlessly to possess exclusive products. Acquiring assets also enables individuals to provide for their families adequately.

On the other hand, the significance of human connections cannot be understated. Strengthening familial bonds fosters closeness among family members and facilitates mutual support. This not only enhances our cognitive abilities but also nurtures our emotional intelligence. Recent surveys suggest that individuals from supportive families exhibit better caregiving skills compared to those lacking familial support. Additionally, everyone requires a confidant in their life, someone with whom they can share their struggles and triumphs. These invaluable companionships serve as anchors amidst the turbulence of daily life.

In conclusion, both material possessions and human relationships are indispensable facets of our existence. Striking a balance between these two aspects is vital for our overall well-being, encompassing both physical and mental health.