Percentage of music total sales by methods

Presented for consideration is the line graph exhibiting the disparity between three methods for acquiring music in terms of their sales figures over an eight-year period beginning in 2011.
Initial scrutiny of the charts reveals that whereas the percentage of streams was on the upward trend, the opposite was true for that of CDs purchased during the researched time scale. Downloads didn’t witness many differences in its statistical data despite many changes over timespan. Another distinguishing feature is that streaming music was the most popular technique at the end of the analyzed period although few individuals initially utilized it.
As can be observed from the graph, 55% of the total music was sold at the beginning of the period by the CDs, which was overwhelmingly greater than the percentage of downloads with nearly 35%. On the contrary, no one purchased streaming music, its figure ranked at the bottom of the list, at only 5%. After that, even though the proportion of CDs purchased experienced a steep plunge, there was a great leap in their sales rate for streams, which makes two of those methods intersect at 30% in 2016. Furthermore, the fraction of downloads saw a gradual increase, peaking at 40% in 2014 before declining.
Regarding the remaining data, the figures for streams showed a significant increase, ultimately ranking at the top with 40%. Contrariwise, CD purchased were no longer preferred because they only accounted for 25% of total sales, compared to 30% of downloads at the end of the course.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Presented for consideration is" -> "This essay examines"
Explanation: "Presented for consideration is" is somewhat awkward and informal. "This essay examines" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing, clearly indicating the purpose of the essay.
"the line graph exhibiting" -> "the line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Exhibiting" is less precise in this context. "Illustrates" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe the function of a graph in presenting data.
"the disparity between three methods" -> "the differences among three methods"
Explanation: "Disparity" implies a difference in quality or nature, which is not suitable here. "Differences" is more neutral and accurate for describing variations in data.
"on the upward trend" -> "increasing"
Explanation: "On the upward trend" is verbose and less formal. "Increasing" is concise and fits better in academic writing.
"the opposite was true for that of CDs purchased" -> "the opposite was true for CD sales"
Explanation: "That of CDs purchased" is awkward and unclear. "CD sales" is a more direct and formal way to refer to the data.
"didn’t witness many differences" -> "experienced minimal changes"
Explanation: "Didn’t witness many differences" is informal and vague. "Experienced minimal changes" is more precise and formal.
"over timespan" -> "over the time span"
Explanation: "Timespan" is not typically used as a noun in this context; "time span" is the correct term.
"Another distinguishing feature is that" -> "Another notable feature is that"
Explanation: "Distinguishing" can imply a positive or negative distinction, which is unclear in this context. "Notable" is neutral and suitable for academic descriptions.
"few individuals initially utilized it" -> "few users initially employed it"
Explanation: "Individuals" is too general and informal; "users" is more specific and appropriate for discussing technology-related data. "Employed" is also more formal than "utilized."
"the total music was sold" -> "the total music sales"
Explanation: "The total music was sold" is grammatically incorrect. "The total music sales" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"no one purchased" -> "no sales were made"
Explanation: "No one purchased" is informal and vague. "No sales were made" is more precise and formal.
"its figure ranked at the bottom of the list" -> "its sales ranked lowest"
Explanation: "Its figure ranked at the bottom of the list" is awkward and unclear. "Its sales ranked lowest" is concise and clearer.
"there was a great leap in their sales rate" -> "there was a significant increase in their sales"
Explanation: "Great leap" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Significant increase" is precise and formal.
"peaking at 40%" -> "peaked at 40%"
Explanation: "Peaking" is the gerund form, which is incorrect in this context. "Peaked" is the correct past tense form.
"Contrariwise, CD purchased were" -> "Contrastingly, CD sales"
Explanation: "Contrariwise" is archaic and less formal; "Contrastingly" is more contemporary and appropriate. "CD purchased" is grammatically incorrect; "CD sales" is correct.
"no longer preferred" -> "no longer popular"
Explanation: "Preferred" is not the correct term in this context, which refers to consumer choice. "Popular" is the correct term for describing trends in consumer behavior.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the line graph, but the details are not always accurate or relevant. For example, the essay states that "no one purchased streaming music" at the beginning of the period, which is not accurate. The essay also states that "the fraction of downloads saw a gradual increase, peaking at 40% in 2014 before declining," which is not entirely accurate. The essay does not fully extend the key features of the graph, such as the intersection of the streams and CDs purchased lines in 2016.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details about the trends in the graph. The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed analysis of the key features of the graph, such as the intersection of the streams and CDs purchased lines in 2016. The essay should also avoid making subjective statements, such as "the opposite was true for that of CDs purchased during the researched time scale." The essay should focus on reporting factual information from the graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the analysis of the data. However, while the ideas are arranged logically, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and the referencing could be clearer. For example, phrases like "the opposite was true" and "another distinguishing feature" could be more explicitly connected to the data being discussed. Additionally, while paragraphs are used, the organization within them could be improved for better clarity and flow.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical. Improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., specifying what "they" refers to) will also help in making connections clearer. Furthermore, ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic and that ideas within paragraphs are logically sequenced will strengthen the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "disparity," "scrutiny," and "plunge," but there are instances of inaccuracy and awkward phrasing, such as "the opposite was true for that of CDs purchased" and "the fraction of downloads saw a gradual increase." Additionally, there are some errors in word formation, such as "CD purchased" instead of "CDs purchased," which could impede communication. Overall, while the vocabulary used is sufficient for the task, the inaccuracies and occasional awkwardness prevent it from reaching a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes ensuring correct word forms and collocations. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help improve fluency and flexibility in vocabulary use. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would further enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some effective structures used, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that can hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the opposite was true for that of CDs purchased" and "the fraction of downloads saw a gradual increase" could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, there are issues with punctuation and sentence construction that occasionally disrupt the flow of ideas. Overall, while the communication is generally effective, the errors present suggest that the essay does not fully meet the criteria for a higher band.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical and punctuation errors. This will help in producing more error-free sentences.
Enhance Clarity: Aim for clearer expression of ideas, avoiding awkward phrasing. Using more straightforward language can improve readability.
Practice: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback to identify recurring issues and improve overall grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Presented for consideration is the line graph exhibiting the disparity between three methods for acquiring music in terms of their sales figures over an eight-year period beginning in 2011.

Initial scrutiny of the graph reveals that whereas the percentage of streams was on an upward trend, the opposite was true for that of CDs purchased during the researched time scale. Downloads did not witness many differences in their statistical data despite several changes over the timespan. Another distinguishing feature is that streaming music became the most popular technique by the end of the analyzed period, although few individuals initially utilized it.

As can be observed from the graph, 55% of the total music was sold at the beginning of the period through CDs, which was overwhelmingly greater than the percentage of downloads at nearly 35%. In contrast, no one purchased streaming music, with its figure ranking at the bottom of the list at only 5%. After that, even though the proportion of CDs purchased experienced a steep decline, there was a significant increase in the sales rate for streams, causing the two methods to intersect at 30% in 2016. Furthermore, the proportion of downloads saw a gradual increase, peaking at 40% in 2014 before declining.

Regarding the remaining data, the figures for streams showed a significant increase, ultimately ranking at the top with 40%. Conversely, CDs were no longer preferred, as they accounted for only 25% of total sales, compared to 30% for downloads at the end of the period.