Professional workers like doctors and teachers make a greater contribution to society and should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Professional workers like doctors and teachers make a greater contribution to society and should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In this contemporary epoch, it is often argued that professionals such as doctors, nurses, and teachers contribute more significantly to society and therefore should be compensated more than sports and entertainment figures. From my perspective, I completely agree with this view.
There exist three primary reasons why I would contend that those in medicine and education deserve higher remuneration than those in sports and entertainment. Firstly, medical and educational professionals offer indispensable services that are crucial to every society, regardless of the time period. Specifically, teachers are of great importance in shaping the future generations by disseminating knowledge and skills essential for personal and societal development. Moreover, that doctors and nurses provide life-saving care and manage health crises ensures the overall well-being of the population. Secondly, the amount of time, effort and intellect involved in these roles is substantial, which makes non-manual professions physically and mentally taxing occupations. To be more exact, attaining qualifications, expertise and experience in those fields require years of rigorous education, persistent training, and often involves dealing with high-stress environments. Finally, paying high salaries to doctors, nurses and teachers not only serves as an incentive for them to continue creating more value within their fields but also acknowledges the responsibilities they bear. Without the presence of these specializations, society may face several far-reaching repercussions, such as degraded health outcomes and underdeveloped education.
However, some opponents insist that celebrities and athletes also contribute significantly to society. I hold a firm belief that this view is partly true, as they offer stress relief, motivation, and cultural enrichment. Additionally, they also promote the national economy, since sport and entertainment areas generate high revenue and provide jobs. Nevertheless, while their contributions are notable, they are more centered on leisure and entertainment only, which is not as vital as the roles of doctors and teachers to societal progress. The impact of celebrities and athletes is temporary and does not have the life-altering influence that professional workers exert on public health and education.
In conclusion, I reaffirm that while the higher compensation for professionals in medicine and education may initially seem unequal compared to those in sports and entertainment, it is justified by their life-altering roles, also the immense responsibilities and expertise required in these fields. Additionally, offering competitive salaries is necessary to incentivize doctors, nurses, and teachers, ensuring the well-being of the communities they serve
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In this contemporary epoch" -> "In this modern era"
Explanation: "Contemporary epoch" is redundant as "contemporary" already implies "of the present time." Using "modern era" simplifies and clarifies the phrase, enhancing readability and formality. -
"professionals such as doctors, nurses, and teachers" -> "professionals, including doctors, nurses, and teachers"
Explanation: Starting with "professionals" instead of "professionals such as" avoids the redundancy of "such as," making the sentence more direct and concise. -
"completely agree" -> "strongly agree"
Explanation: "Completely agree" can sound overly emphatic and informal for academic writing. "Strongly agree" maintains a formal tone while conveying a similar level of conviction. -
"There exist" -> "There are"
Explanation: "There exist" is unnecessarily formal and slightly archaic. "There are" is more straightforward and commonly used in academic writing. -
"indispensable services" -> "essential services"
Explanation: "Indispensable" is correct but can be replaced with "essential" to maintain a slightly more formal tone and avoid redundancy with "crucial" later in the sentence. -
"disseminating knowledge and skills" -> "disseminating knowledge and imparting skills"
Explanation: "Imparting" is a more precise verb in this context, as it specifically refers to the act of conveying knowledge or skills, which is more accurate than the more general "disseminating." -
"that doctors and nurses provide" -> "doctors and nurses provide"
Explanation: The word "that" is unnecessary here, as the sentence structure does not require it. Removing it improves the sentence’s clarity and flow. -
"non-manual professions" -> "non-manual occupations"
Explanation: "Occupations" is more specific and formal than "professions," which can sometimes imply a higher level of expertise or prestige. -
"physically and mentally taxing occupations" -> "physically and mentally demanding occupations"
Explanation: "Taxing" can imply a negative connotation, whereas "demanding" is neutral and more appropriate for an academic context, focusing on the level of effort required rather than the difficulty. -
"acknowledges the responsibilities they bear" -> "acknowledges the responsibilities they undertake"
Explanation: "Undertake" is more precise in this context, as it specifically refers to the act of assuming or taking on responsibilities, which is more suitable than "bear," which can imply a heavier burden. -
"degraded health outcomes" -> "adverse health outcomes"
Explanation: "Adverse" is a more precise term in this context, indicating a negative impact on health, whereas "degraded" could imply a more general decline in quality. -
"I hold a firm belief" -> "I firmly believe"
Explanation: "I firmly believe" is a more natural and concise way to express strong conviction in academic writing, avoiding the slightly awkward construction of "I hold a firm belief." -
"not as vital as" -> "less vital than"
Explanation: "Less vital than" is a more direct and formal way to compare the importance of roles, avoiding the less formal "not as vital as." -
"life-altering influence" -> "significant influence"
Explanation: "Life-altering" is an emotional and somewhat informal term. "Significant" is more neutral and appropriate for academic writing, conveying importance without emotional connotation. -
"ensuring the well-being of the communities they serve" -> "ensuring the well-being of the communities they serve"
Explanation: This is a repetition of the same idea, which is unnecessary and can be removed for clarity and conciseness.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating the writer’s agreement with the notion that professionals like doctors and teachers should be paid more than sports and entertainment figures. The introduction outlines the writer’s stance, and the body paragraphs provide three well-articulated reasons supporting this view. However, while the essay acknowledges the opposing viewpoint regarding the contributions of celebrities and athletes, it could benefit from a more balanced exploration of this perspective to fully address the "to what extent" aspect of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could incorporate a more detailed discussion of the opposing viewpoint. This could involve acknowledging specific contributions of sports and entertainment figures in greater depth, and then clearly contrasting these with the essential roles of medical and educational professionals. This would provide a more nuanced answer to the prompt.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently supporting the argument that doctors and teachers deserve higher pay. The use of phrases like "I completely agree" and "I hold a firm belief" reinforces the writer’s stance. However, the transition to discussing the opposing view could be smoother, as it might momentarily confuse readers about the overall position.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly indicate a shift to the opposing viewpoint, such as "While I acknowledge the contributions of…" This would help reinforce the main argument while still addressing counterarguments.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas effectively, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific reason for the argument. The points made about the importance of medical and educational professionals are well-developed, with specific examples illustrating their societal contributions. However, the support for the opposing view is less robust, which diminishes the overall strength of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer could include specific examples or statistics related to the contributions of sports and entertainment figures. This would not only strengthen the counterargument but also highlight the contrast more effectively.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the roles of doctors and teachers in relation to sports and entertainment personalities. The writer does not deviate from the main argument, which is commendable. However, the brief mention of the opposing view could be seen as a slight deviation if not adequately tied back to the main thesis.
- How to improve: To ensure that the essay stays on topic, the writer should ensure that every point made, including those about celebrities and athletes, directly relates back to the central argument of compensation. Reinforcing how these points connect to the overall thesis will help maintain focus.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a compelling argument. With some adjustments to address the opposing viewpoint more thoroughly and enhance clarity, it could achieve an even higher score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical progression of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the argument, and the body paragraphs are structured around three main points that support the thesis. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the indispensable services provided by medical and educational professionals, while the second elaborates on the rigorous qualifications and responsibilities associated with these professions. The transition from discussing the contributions of professionals to addressing counterarguments is smooth, maintaining a coherent flow throughout.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This will help guide the reader through your argument more effectively. Additionally, integrating a brief summary of each point at the end of the respective paragraphs could reinforce the connections between ideas and strengthen the overall argument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The separation between the discussion of professional contributions and the counterargument is well-executed, allowing for clarity in presenting opposing views. Each paragraph is adequately developed, providing sufficient detail to support the claims made.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, consider ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. This will not only improve clarity but also help the reader anticipate the content of the paragraph. Additionally, ensure that the concluding paragraph succinctly summarizes the key points made in the essay, reinforcing the overall argument.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "However," which help to guide the reader through the argument. These devices effectively signal the progression of ideas and the relationship between them. The use of phrases like "from my perspective" and "I hold a firm belief" adds a personal touch, enhancing the essay’s engagement.
- How to improve: To further diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "Firstly" and "Secondly," you could use alternatives like "In addition," "Furthermore," or "On the other hand" to introduce new points or counterarguments. Additionally, ensure that the transitions between paragraphs are smooth; using phrases like "Building on this idea" or "In contrast" can help create a more cohesive narrative throughout the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing ideas and using cohesive devices to enhance clarity. With minor adjustments in paragraph structure and the diversity of cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, particularly in the use of terms related to the fields of medicine and education (e.g., "indispensable services," "life-saving care," "rigorous education"). The writer effectively employs synonyms and varied expressions, such as "remuneration," "occupations," and "cultural enrichment," which enhances the overall quality of the writing. However, there are instances of repetition, particularly with phrases like "doctors and nurses" and "sports and entertainment," which could be varied further to showcase a broader lexical range.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer could incorporate more synonyms or related terms to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeating "doctors and nurses," they might use "healthcare professionals" or "medical practitioners." Additionally, exploring more specific terms related to the impacts of these professions could further enrich the vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are moments where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "non-manual professions" might confuse readers, as it is not commonly used to describe medical and educational fields. The term "physically and mentally taxing occupations" could also be more accurately expressed as "demanding professions," which would clarify the intended meaning without ambiguity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should consider the context and common usage of terms. Using phrases that are widely recognized and understood will enhance clarity. Additionally, reviewing vocabulary choices for their appropriateness in context can help ensure that the intended message is conveyed accurately.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "contribution," "significantly," and "responsibilities" are spelled correctly, reflecting a strong command of spelling conventions. This accuracy contributes positively to the overall readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain and further enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing tools such as spell checkers or engaging in regular vocabulary exercises can help reinforce spelling skills. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can be beneficial.
Overall, while the essay achieves a solid band score for Lexical Resource, focusing on expanding vocabulary variety, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy will further elevate the quality of the writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "that doctors and nurses provide life-saving care and manage health crises ensures the overall well-being of the population." This demonstrates an ability to combine ideas effectively. Additionally, the essay includes conditional structures, such as "Without the presence of these specializations, society may face several far-reaching repercussions." However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and similar structures, which slightly detracts from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence openings and using different grammatical forms. For example, you could start some sentences with adverbial clauses (e.g., "While many argue that…") or use passive voice where appropriate (e.g., "Life-saving care is provided by doctors and nurses"). This will not only diversify the structures but also add depth to the arguments presented.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The grammatical accuracy in the essay is generally strong, with few errors noted. For instance, the phrase "the amount of time, effort and intellect involved in these roles is substantial" is grammatically correct and effectively communicates the point. However, there are minor punctuation issues, such as the lack of a comma before "and" in lists (e.g., "time, effort, and intellect"). Additionally, the phrase "also the immense responsibilities" in the conclusion is awkwardly constructed and lacks a conjunction, which could confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, ensure that lists are punctuated correctly by including commas before the conjunction. For example, "time, effort, and intellect" should consistently follow this format. Furthermore, revise awkward constructions by ensuring that conjunctions are used appropriately to connect clauses. A revised version of the problematic phrase could be, "it is justified by their life-altering roles and the immense responsibilities they bear." This will enhance clarity and coherence in your writing.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a high level of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a band score of 8. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation and grammatical constructions, you can further elevate the quality of your writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In this modern era, it is often argued that professionals, including doctors, nurses, and teachers, contribute more significantly to society and therefore should be compensated more than sports and entertainment personalities. From my perspective, I strongly agree with this view.
There are three primary reasons why I contend that those in medicine and education deserve higher remuneration than those in sports and entertainment. Firstly, medical and educational professionals offer essential services that are crucial to every society, regardless of the time period. Specifically, teachers play a vital role in shaping future generations by disseminating knowledge and imparting skills essential for personal and societal development. Moreover, the life-saving care that doctors and nurses provide and their management of health crises ensure the overall well-being of the population. Secondly, the amount of time, effort, and intellect involved in these roles is substantial, making non-manual occupations physically and mentally demanding. To be more exact, attaining qualifications, expertise, and experience in these fields requires years of rigorous education, persistent training, and often involves dealing with high-stress environments. Finally, paying high salaries to doctors, nurses, and teachers not only serves as an incentive for them to continue creating more value within their fields but also acknowledges the responsibilities they undertake. Without the presence of these specializations, society may face several far-reaching repercussions, such as adverse health outcomes and underdeveloped education.
However, some opponents insist that celebrities and athletes also contribute significantly to society. I firmly believe that this view is partly true, as they offer stress relief, motivation, and cultural enrichment. Additionally, they promote the national economy, since the sports and entertainment sectors generate high revenue and provide jobs. Nevertheless, while their contributions are notable, they are more centered on leisure and entertainment, which is less vital than the roles of doctors and teachers in societal progress. The impact of celebrities and athletes is temporary and does not have the life-altering influence that professional workers exert on public health and education.
In conclusion, I reaffirm that while the higher compensation for professionals in medicine and education may initially seem unequal compared to those in sports and entertainment, it is justified by their life-altering roles, as well as the immense responsibilities and expertise required in these fields. Additionally, offering competitive salaries is necessary to incentivize doctors, nurses, and teachers, ensuring the well-being of the communities they serve.