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Qualities which a person needs to become successful in today’s world cannot be learnt at university or similar academic institutions. Do you agree or disagree with this idea?

Qualities which a person needs to become successful in today’s world cannot be learnt at university or similar academic institutions. Do you agree or disagree with this idea?

Some people believe that the qualities of a successful person nowadays cannot be learnt at school, university or similar academic institutions. In my point of view, I agree. This essay will elaborate on my reasons.
The first reason why these qualities cannot be learnt at any academic institutions is many examples of famous people who did not have good conditions of education but they still became successful. For instance? Bill Gates, who is the founder of Microsoft Corporation, dropped out of Harvard University in the past. He had a lot of practical experience in real life and it is the platform of his inventions. Most successful people are very creative so they often tend to discover new things to develop themself. Creativity is something that few teachers can teach you clearly and you have to find it by yourself in real life.
In addition, academic institutions such as schools or universities in some countries may not have the ability to teach these qualities. They do not have enough facilities and time so their main purpose is teaching basic knowledge to students such as theories of mathematics or physics and let students learn on their own.
However, there are still numerous advantages of academic institutions that we need to recognise. A lot of knowledge at school is still necessary in your career and many people become successful because of studying in a smart way. The important thing is the good combination of qualities in real life and qualities at academic institutions.
In summary, there are many qualities of a successful person in today’s world which cannot be learnt but there are also a lot of benefits of academic institutions.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In my point of view, I agree." -> "From my perspective, I concur."
    Explanation: Replacing "In my point of view, I agree" with "From my perspective, I concur" enhances the formality and precision of the statement.

  2. "The first reason why these qualities cannot be learnt at any academic institutions is many examples of famous people who did not have good conditions of education…" -> "One primary reason these qualities cannot be acquired in academic institutions is the numerous examples of successful individuals who lacked favorable educational conditions…"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, while avoiding informal language such as "good conditions of education."

  3. "For instance?" -> "For example,"
    Explanation: Replacing "For instance?" with "For example," adheres to a more conventional and formal expression.

  4. "Most successful people are very creative so they often tend to discover new things to develop themself." -> "Many successful individuals exhibit high levels of creativity, leading them to frequently explore novel ideas for self-development."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more precise language, avoiding the informal "discover new things" and using a more formal construction for self-development.

  5. "Creativity is something that few teachers can teach you clearly…" -> "The clear instruction of creativity is a skill that only a few teachers possess…"
    Explanation: The revision maintains clarity while employing a more formal structure and vocabulary.

  6. "However, there are still numerous advantages of academic institutions that we need to recognise." -> "Nevertheless, we must acknowledge the numerous advantages that academic institutions offer."
    Explanation: Substituting "recognise" with "acknowledge" enhances formality, and the revised sentence is more academically precise.

  7. "A lot of knowledge at school is still necessary in your career and many people become successful because of studying in a smart way." -> "Considerable knowledge acquired in school remains essential for one’s career, and many individuals achieve success through intelligent study practices."
    Explanation: The revision employs more formal language and clarifies the connection between knowledge acquisition and success in a career.

  8. "The important thing is the good combination of qualities in real life and qualities at academic institutions." -> "Crucial is the adept integration of qualities cultivated in real-life experiences with those acquired in academic institutions."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone and enhances precision by using "adept integration" instead of "good combination."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Some people believe that the qualities of a successful person nowadays cannot be learnt at school, university or similar academic institutions. In my point of view, I agree. This essay will elaborate on my reasons."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction successfully states your agreement with the idea, but it lacks a clear roadmap for what reasons you will discuss. Consider providing a brief overview of the key points you will elaborate on in the essay to guide the reader and enhance the overall structure.
    • Improved example: "Some argue that success hinges on qualities unattainable in traditional academic settings. In this essay, I will support this view by discussing the experiences of successful individuals who lacked formal education, the limitations of academic institutions in teaching certain qualities, and the importance of a balanced approach to success."
  2. Quoted text: "The first reason why these qualities cannot be learnt at any academic institutions is many examples of famous people who did not have good conditions of education but they still became successful. For instance? Bill Gates, who is the founder of Microsoft Corporation, dropped out of Harvard University in the past. He had a lot of practical experience in real life and it is the platform of his inventions. Most successful people are very creative so they often tend to discover new things to develop themself. Creativity is something that few teachers can teach you clearly and you have to find it by yourself in real life."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your first reason is valid, but the explanation lacks clarity and depth. Instead of briefly mentioning Bill Gates, delve into more details about his practical experiences that contributed to his success. Additionally, provide a more explicit link between creativity and real-life experiences, illustrating how these qualities are challenging to teach in academic settings.
    • Improved example: "One compelling reason supporting the notion that success is not solely derived from academic institutions is the example of Bill Gates. Despite dropping out of Harvard, Gates accumulated invaluable practical experiences that served as the foundation for his groundbreaking inventions, emphasizing the role of real-life exposure. Moreover, creativity, a vital trait for success, often flourishes when individuals engage in hands-on experiences outside the classroom."
  3. Quoted text: "In addition, academic institutions such as schools or universities in some countries may not have the ability to teach these qualities. They do not have enough facilities and time so their main purpose is teaching basic knowledge to students such as theories of mathematics or physics and let students learn on their own."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While your point is valid, it lacks specificity. Provide concrete examples or elaborate on the types of qualities that institutions may struggle to teach due to limitations in facilities and time. This will strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
    • Improved example: "Furthermore, the constraints faced by academic institutions, particularly in some countries, hinder their capacity to impart certain qualities essential for success. Limited facilities and time constraints may impede the development of practical skills, critical thinking, and adaptability. For instance, hands-on problem-solving and collaborative projects, crucial for success, might be sidelined in favor of traditional subjects like mathematics or physics."

Overall, the essay has potential for improvement by enhancing the clarity of your introduction, providing more detailed and explicit examples, and strengthening the connections between your reasons and the overarching argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an overall coherence and cohesion, arranging ideas in a reasonably clear progression. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and there is an attempt to provide reasons in a logical order. The use of cohesive devices is evident, though some instances may be faulty or mechanical. Paragraphing is generally effective, but there are moments where it could be improved for better flow. The essay attempts to present a central topic within each paragraph, but some paragraphs lack a clear focus.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesive Devices: While the essay uses cohesive devices, ensure they are applied more consistently and naturally. Avoid mechanical use and strive for a smoother flow between sentences.

  2. Paragraphing: Work on improving the logical flow of paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and transitions smoothly to the next. Consider combining or dividing paragraphs for better organization.

  3. Clarity of Ideas: Refine the clarity of ideas within each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph has a focused central topic, and avoid straying into unrelated points.

  4. Examples and Development: Provide more specific examples and elaborate on them to strengthen the argument. This will contribute to a clearer and more coherent progression of ideas.

Remember, achieving a higher band score involves refining not only the organization of ideas but also the depth of analysis and the precision of language use.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "qualities," "institutions," and "elaborate," but with some inaccuracy, as seen in the phrase "in real life and it is the platform of his inventions." The essay makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, like "develop themself" instead of "develop themselves." However, these errors do not significantly impede communication. The vocabulary used is appropriate for conveying the main ideas, but there is room for improvement in precision and fluency.

How to improve:

  1. Precision in Vocabulary: Try to use more precise and varied vocabulary to convey ideas. For example, instead of repeating "qualities," explore different terms such as "attributes," "traits," or "characteristics" to add nuance.

  2. Grammar and Word Choice: Review sentences for accuracy in word choice and grammar. For instance, revise the phrase "in real life and it is the platform of his inventions" to enhance clarity, perhaps by stating, "through real-life experiences, serving as the foundation for his inventions."

  3. Proofreading: Pay careful attention to spelling and word formation. The essay mentions "develop themself," which should be corrected to "develop themselves."

By refining these aspects, the essay can achieve a more precise and polished expression of ideas, contributing to an improved lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, contributing to a moderate range of structures. There are instances of clear communication, and the essay attempts to support its stance with examples such as Bill Gates. However, there are notable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that affect clarity. For example, "develop themself" should be "develop themselves," and the use of a question mark after "For instance" is inappropriate. While the essay conveys its main points, the language lacks precision and sometimes results in unclear expression.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures for clarity and coherence. Proofreading for grammar and punctuation errors is crucial. Additionally, strive for more precise word choices and expressions to elevate the overall quality of the essay. Incorporating a variety of sentence structures with increased accuracy will contribute to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that the qualities essential for success today cannot be attained through schooling or similar academic channels. I tend to agree with this notion, and I’ll explain why.

One primary reason why these qualities might not be taught in academic settings is the numerous instances of accomplished individuals who lacked formal education yet achieved great success. Take, for instance, Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft Corporation, who left Harvard University. His wealth of practical experience in the real world formed the basis of his innovations. Most successful individuals are exceptionally creative, often pioneering new concepts for their development. Creativity, a key trait, is rarely something explicitly taught but rather discovered through personal experience.

Moreover, certain academic institutions like schools or universities in various countries might lack the resources and time to impart these crucial qualities. Their primary focus tends to be on imparting fundamental knowledge, such as mathematical or physical theories, leaving students to learn and cultivate these qualities independently.

However, it’s crucial to acknowledge the myriad advantages of academic institutions. The knowledge gained in these institutions remains vital in many career paths, and numerous successful individuals attribute their achievements to a smart approach to learning within these settings. Therefore, the crux lies in the amalgamation of qualities cultivated in real-life experiences and those acquired through academic institutions.

In conclusion, while there are qualities vital for success that may not be explicitly taught, it’s imperative to recognize the substantial benefits that academic institutions offer. The convergence of qualities from real-world experiences and academic learning often forms the cornerstone of a successful individual’s journey.

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